Brainstorming Resolutions

Well its that time of the year-  where the final days are here and its time to look forward to the coming year.  Where you begin considering what changes you want to make in the New Year.  Also known as: resolutions.

Im one of the many who are brainstorming resolutions.  I think its important to keep them realistic, and to only make a few.  Here are some of the brainstorming results, which will be edited and narrowed down and streamlined by Jan 1:

~ Create and stick to a budget (following Dave Ramseys financial steps this year to financial freedom)
~ Save enough money for and travel to Disney World
~ Pass my national board exam in July on the first try
~ Feel good about my body and my image
~ Shower the people I love with love (yes, its a James Taylor lyric too!)



What do you think?

And what are your Resolutions?

Well the good news is that I've pretty much finished off the Christmas candy I was given.  The bad news? I finished it in two days! Bad Blair... Bad Blair...

And yes, I feel incredibly guilty about every piece of candy I ate.  But oh well?

New day, new start tomorrow...

Wow.  What a Christmas!  I seriously feel like I won the lottery... I got to see my family, and I got some seriously awesome, seriously needed items!

It's funny, what you get excited about for Christmas changes as you get older.  I am so excited about my gifts -- sheets, pillows, an electric blanket (!!!), dishes, a dish drying rack, lotions, gloves, grocery gift cards, clothes (!!!), bedroom slippers, socks, and a Ped Egg to name a few.  5, 4, 3, heck even 2 years ago I would not have thought these were exciting gifts.  But I am seriously excited!  These are things that I needed, that make my life more comfortable, cuter, and easier.  I mean, I never thought I'd live to see the day when I was excited to get socks.  I always thought my parents were pretending when they opened a box to find 15 pairs of socks.  But no, they were seriously excited about the socks.  And I get it  now! :) :) :)  Because I'm excited too! :) :) :) haha

Of course, there were a few superfluous items.  Meghan got me a turtle pillow pet (yes, juvenile, but it's a TURTLE and its actually a pretty awesome product) and these awesome ear-muffs that have a wire to plug into your iPod so that you can hear your music THROUGH the ear muffs!  Soooo cool!  And they actually work!

And although I did get some awesome gifts, the best part was being able to see the family. :)  I get to see them so rarely...  It was such a blessing to be able to go.

Of course, my roadtrip was not uneventful.  My oil light came on in the middle of no where at 830pm on
Christmas eve (read: everything was closed).  The good thing was that I was only 20 minutes from the grandparents.  But since it was so dark, I couldn't see how much oil there was.  So they were convinced I'd been driving on a dry engine and that I'd ruined my car and that I'd have to have the engine replaced, yadda yadda yadda.  They fussed me out something awful.

Well did they have to eat some crow or what... It was low on oil, but it wasn't out.  After pouring 1 quart of oil into the car, the oil level was back to normal.  There was no damage done to my car, and I'd simply acted in a responsible, better-safe-than-sorry way to protect my car.  So the fussing out was completely un-necessary and it's only function was to start Christmas off on a bad foot and with me in tears.  But I'm glad everyone had to eat some crow and realize that I'm not a dumb ditz, that I simply acted on the cautious side.  At what point they will start to give me some due?  Probably never.  But that's the role of the kid I guess.

Today my heart is over-flowing.  With appreciation, love, thankfulness.  Blessings are everywhere.

Eating Disorder

So I've come to the realization that I may have a touch of an eating disorder.  Except instead of starving myself, I am over-filling myself.  Evening compulsive binging is the quickest way I can think to describe it.

When I come home from work (usually around 10pm and after having eaten all my daily meals), I find myself gorging on junk food and snacks.

And then I drew some parallels.  THIS behavior is what my Mother did... She began eating less and less during the day only to dive into late night food when fewer people saw what she ate.  And soon?  The pounds began packing on.  And when I was younger, I swore to myself that I would not adopt habits that would place me in a similar situation of obesity, depression, and no confidence.  And yet here I am, unconsciously adopting the same habits I swore not to.

They always said that you grow into being your parents, and although this isn't always a bad thing, this particular habit/disorder is a bad thing.  I have done such a good job of reversing my lifestyle against my parents -- staying physically active and somewhat physically fit, being health conscious, eating better foods with fewer cheeses/butters/mayos/etc.  And I'm reversing all that progress.  The scale says so.

So here I am, honestly admitting this flaw.  And here I am, wanting to change and hold myself accountable.  And tonight was night one.

Instead of eating a cheeseball (almost a whole one last night!), I ate a low-flavor bag of popcorn.  Not great, but a step.  And every fiber in my being right now wants me to go into the kitchen and get something else, but here I am saying No.

Damn... There are candy cane hershey kisses on the coffee table.  Damn it.  Damn it to hell.  Resist... Resist... Not... Worth... It...

Going to take a shower and BRUSH MY TEETH so I won't want to get that icky taste in my mouth that you get from eating afterwards.

Hope I can keep this up and get back to those better habits.

Seriously going through some major emotional up and downs... Confidence followed by anxiety followed by doubt.

I Need Roots.

I want my own place.  Or maybe what I really want is to feel a sense of permanency, of roots.  I look around my "home" (rather, my place of residency as I wait for my next residency to be ready -- four months to go!)  and although it is very comfortable and roomy, it just doesn't feel like home.  Nothing is unpacked or decorated or organized like I would want it.  And I have very little motivation to change it since in the back of my mind I know I'm only here for four more months...  And yet, I know that where I'm moving to in 4 months is a bedroom in someones home.  I know she will try to make me feel as comfortable as possible and as welcomed as possible, but the fact remains: it's not my place.

I know I'm on the edge of a true adult life -- where my job pays the bills and there's even some left over.  And that until I get to that point I will not have what I crave (roots).  But oh man... I just want to feel some sense of being settled...  So ready to be and stay organized...

Pinterest

If you haven't heard of Pinterest, you need to google it.  It will be the death of me.  I am so addicted!  There are so many good ideas and recipes and outfits I want to try!!

To Do (via Pinterest):
- Find/Buy some soft/plain t-shirts to make scarves with
- Cover a cookie sheet with some cute fabric for a magnetic board for my craft nook
- Purchase some wooden crosses and paint them and layer them
- Take a hot pot holder and sew into a flat iron pouch
- Take a hand towel and sew into a travel tote for toothbrush/paste/etc
- Get some foam tubing from Lowes and turn it into an awesome wreath
- Start a quilt!

Giving Thanks

On Thanksgiving, I have an opportunity, as do all Americans, to reflect on my life and the countless blessings that have been bestowed upon me.  And I'm going to do a little reflecting here...

First of all, I'm thankful for the faith in God that I have found and nourished this year.  I know that there is so much more that I should be doing to further this relationship, but I am happy and proud of what I have accomplished so far.  Being able to turn my stress and problems over to a higher power provides such deep calm in my life...

I am thankful for my Grandparents.  They have been such a wonderful blessing to my life.  Without them, I would be unable to be doing what I'm doing right now (and doing it without having to take a loan out).  They are so generous and kind and selfless -- I hope to one day be even 10% as wonderful as they are.

I am thankful for my Dad and my Sister.  They are two people that are always there for me, supporting me, picking me up when I fall down/apart, making me laugh, and showing an infinite interest in what's going on in my life.  Without them, I would feel incomplete.

I am thankful for the Church I have found.  I have made some nice friends, enriched my soul, and been accepted despite the fact that I'm unable to be very involved.

I am thankful for all of the physical things that make my life that much more comfortable, convenient, and easy.

I am thankful for the PTA program.  It's providing me challenges and will offer me a way to provide for myself.  I just pray that I will pass the boards and not let my teachers down...

I am thankful for Daniel.  He's been such a positive addition to my life.  He brings smiles, support, laughter, logic, understanding, and patience.

I am thankful for the job that I have.  There are so many people who don't even have the luxury of a part time minimum wage job like I do... And I'm very aware of this blessing.  I do not take it for granted.

I am thankful for Music.  It brings me through so much... The artists that I listen to (and they are so varied!) are so important to me...

I am thankful that I have all my physical abilities.  That I do not have to suffer through a disability -- both emotional and physical.

I am thankful for CarolinaEast Hospital.  For sponsoring me through school and giving me the opportunity after school of a job...  I hope I fulfill their needs and wants!

I am thankful for all the little blessings that I haven't mentioned and often forget in my day to day life that I take for granted until I consider what the kids of Africa may have to be living through.

I am thankful for my health.

I am thankful for so very much... Just thinking about it gets me all teary eyed...  So blessed.  So very blessed.

Feeling really distanced and disenchanted right now...

I stepped on the scale yesterday and almost fainted.  Six pounds!  I've gained six pounds since October 3rd...  That's what happens when you eat with reckless abandon and stop exercising and then add stress of an ungodly proportion.

I've been "trying" without really trying to do better.  And frankly, I'm just sick of feeling like this.  I need to stop quitting.

Gotta change this.

Family is Everything

I had the blessing of hosting my Sister and Dad this past weekend... It was a visit long overdue and it was exactly what I needed.  I love these two people so much, and we had such a good time.  We took a road trip to Beaufort for lunch one day, campfires, cookouts, and lots of really good food and really good beer. :)  Daniel came and got to meet them.  I think they responded well to him, and he to they.  I was glad that my family got to meet him, but it was also kind of startling: it kind of made me realize how serious Daniel and I are going...  Exciting in that I've been wanting/looking for this.  Scary because it could actually be happening.

And I think he's feeling the same way... I feel like we're kind of distant as a result of the nerves.  He's been burned, I've been burned.  Neither of us want to be burned again...

Wedding Pictures

So many of my friends have updated their facebook lately -- with wedding related photos.  It's that age, right?  Where all your friends are getting engaged and married and starting their lives together.

It makes me happy to see these pictures -- I love to flip through the photo albums and see how they put their personality into their wedding, to see the love that exists between two people, the light in their faces...  It's simply beautiful.  It's inspiring.  It's hopeful.

And even I have been getting little butterflies in my tummy from my Man. :)  He makes these little comments alluding to the future and he just gives me such warm fuzzies.  I pray that I get that happy ending, but for now, I am just so happy for the present that I'm trying not to focus on the future or hopes.  I have the happy present.

And someday, I hope to have the happy ending.

Found the Focus

Tonight, I finally had my focus back.  For the past few weeks, I've been the most unfocused I've ever been.  My drive, determination, and desire to succeed on the path I have set myself down had been seriously lacking.  It is quite embarrassing how slack I had been...  Honestly.  I was even getting to the point of questioning myself -- whether I was cut out for this, if I could succeed, if I was meant to be a PTA.  And in this time period, I had several tests.  :-/  Not good timing for my work ethic to go on strike, let me tell you!

But tonight, it all came rushing back.  Thank. God.  Seriously.  If it hadn't, I am not sure I would be able to succeed through the program as tomorrow's test is nearly 1/3 of my grade in this class.  It's quite a bit of material.  But tonight I was able to sit down and study and outline and review and take notes.  I am not sure how much I absorbed (hopefully something!  At least one thing -- the flexor retinaculum ligament is the ligament that connects the carpals on the volar side of the wrist, creating the "roof" of the carpal tunnel), but it felt soooo good to sit down and study.  And not just that, but to actually enjoy studying.  To not be enticed by my laptop (and the internet) or my phone (and texting my night owl friends) or the TV (and it's endless opportunities for mind-numbing and distracting programming).  I put the radio on the Oldies station and just sat down at my "desk" and got to work.  

I didn't have the "this is too much, there's no point in me even trying because I'll never be able to learn all of this" attitude that has been plaguing me the last couple weeks.  Instead, I had the "okay, take it one bite at a time and make the connections.  You can do this.  You have to do this.  This is important to you.  You want this.  Sleep can wait.  You will be okay." attitude. 

There may be hope for me yet :) 

And there better be, as I have only one month of classes left in this semester before clinicals.  And then after that, only 6 weeks of classes next semester before clinicals.  I am on the last 10 laps of the Indy 500!  These tires better not blow and I better not run out of gas yet!  Sooooooo close to that checkered flag and a real paycheck!!!!

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about what my priorities are.  Where I'm spending my time.  If it's beneficial to me.  And I've come to many conclusions and taken a few steps in a different direction.

I had already mentioned that I will be leaving the Y.  Thursday is my last day as a class instructor, then I'll have another week of Personal Training.  And then all my responsibilities will be fulfilled and I can breathe from that.

I decided to request a more local clinical assignment so that I won't be logging so many miles, burning so much gas, and stretching myself so thin.  This is sad because I won't be able to stay with the boy during my clinical, but financially--it's the right decision.

I also decided to step down as Class President.  When my classmates are snapping at me, basically making demands on me, when I've been sick as a dog for a week -- well, that was kind of the last straw today.  They're all eager to jump down my throat but they are not in the least bit interested in putting in any work or time.  So I am stepping down.  One less responsibility.

So soon, I will only have school and Cato.  I am looking forward to actually being able to go home after class.  I'm not saying that I'll be more productive (I'll still probably procrastinate my homework until I have to burn the candles), but I'll be able to breathe, clean, shower, and get my life in order at my own pace.

I have also realized that I have been slack in taking care of myself.  I am not feeding it properly.  I am not exercising at all.  A few of the girls in class are doing Zumba after class 3x a week, so I'm going to try and go to that regularly.  And I'm also considering joining Gold's Gym.  I have no ties to that gym -- I don't know anyone who works there or who goes there.  Which will be nice.  I feel like I'm constantly being watched at the Y.  AND they have Body Pump and Body Step classes, which I love. (and which the Y does not have).  They also have Zumba, core classes, and yoga. I don't know... I'll have to look into fees, but it's just something that I've been thinking about this week.  Because I really need to get back to taking the time to take care of myself.

I just want some peace.  It's been missing for too long.

It's Just Life

I'm in the middle of a really rough spot.  The speed with which life progresses is moving ever faster -- gaining speed, momentum, and enormity all the time.  Inertia -- once an object is put in motion, it will continue being in motion until a force of equal magnitude but opposite direction puts it to rest (or something like that).  I need a break -- a very big break.  School is killing me.  I've never felt this despondent or pointless.  The pace of these classes... I feel like I can't keep up.  Then two jobs.  Both of which always demanding more more more.  As of Oct 13th I'll be leaving the Y, which would hypothetically make it easier.  Except Cato will be appointing me temporary assistant manager while the current goes out on maternity leave.  More hours.  More responsibility.  More stress.  Less freedom.  And now school is offering me this awesome clinical site in Tarboro -- 1.75 hours away (but only 40 minutes from the boyfriend's place).  Which means that for 2.5 weeks, I wouldn't be able to work weeknights at Cato and I'd only be able to work weekends.  Which would essentially put me working 7 days a week (2 days at cato, 5 days as a faux-PTA) plus all the driving.  I'm just so tired.  My brain is fried.  I'm frustrated.  I feel like I can't keep up.  Any free time I have -- all I want to do is sit and do nothing and think about nothing because I'm so exhausted from the rest of the time.  That's the way life is...

The Ties That Bind

Today I want to make a commentary on marriage and relationships in general.  Committing to a relationship is something so deeply personal, true, and beautiful.  Whether it's the commitment to date, the commitment to Love, or the commitment to Marry, each one is defined by a special moment, where acknowledgement and reciprocation occurs.  Where two people honestly open themselves to the other -- putting them self in the most vulnerable place a person can be.  Where you let someone in with nothing but trust.  You love this person.  You care about this person.  You see the good and the potential and possibility of this person.  You believe in what this person is offering you back.  You trust them.

You never expect anything to go awry.  You never expect (serious) lies.  You never expect (serious) deceit.  You never expect that the one person you open up to would do anything to hurt, embarrass, or shame you.

Seeing a close friend go through what a man should not put his wife through -- is heart breaking.  Here is this beautiful, genuine, sweet, kind, caring, giving, honest, faithful, loyal, Christain woman who gave every thing she had to this man.  And the whole time, he was lying to her.  Putting on an act.  Playing a double life, a double personality, lying to everyone including himself about who he was, what he wanted in life, and who he loved.  None of her friends or family had even a clue that something was wrong.  They were so loving and attentive to each other.  She doted on him.  He looked after her.  They went to church.  They're expecting a baby.  They just built a new house.  They were creating a life and a family together.

And it's all gone.

With just a few short hours of accidental discovery. It's all gone.

How do we humans do such cruel and mean and dishonest things to each other?  How can one bear to see someone who so obviously cares and adores and loves you be lied to?  For years.  It breaks my heart.

No couple is ever perfect.  There are the behind-the-closed-door fights, the disagreements, the differences in cleanliness, the differences in family readiness, different interests, different aspirations, different everything.  But, by committing to a relationship, that in and of itself is a sacred pledge to be with that person, respect that person (even if it's only enough to be honorable and let them go before you bring their whole world crashing down around them in front of all their friends and family and community), and work through the differences to create commonalities.  That commitment is not just a hat that you put on and take off.  It's an invisible tattoo.  Made with love and care and time.  To remove it -- major surgery.

I just... To see these two people struggle with the up and down, the left and right, it's shocking.  It's unexpected.  But mostly?  It's terrifying.

This is a guy I've met.  I've hung out with.  I began to get to know. Never did I expect him to be the person he is.  It makes me question my own life.  It makes me fear that the happy relationship I have with Daniel could be soiled like that.

But I can't think like that.  I have to go on with the trust that this man I have met and fallen for is not like that.  That Her story will not be my story.  That Her pain will not be my pain.

I've done so much praying for my friend, her estranged husband, and my own relationship.  That we all will find the path for us.  That the pain will end.  That I will not have to go through that.

Relationships have been cheapened.  This is just prime example number one.

If you're in a relationship -- be honest.  If you aren't happy, don't lead the other person on -- get out and let them find someone.  Be faithful -- don't cheat or flirt with cheating.  Be loving -- reach out to that person and foster their love carefully.  Don't take the other for granted.  Don't sweat the small stuff.  Remind yourself.  Believe in the Trust.  Because that's all we ever have.

Twisted Meatloaf!

Decided to do some experimenting in the kitchen today, and here's what I came up with:

1.25 lb ground beef
~3/4 C bread crumbs (2/3 cup plain, then about 1/4 Italian because I ran out of plain!)
1 egg
1/2 onion diced
1/4 large tomato diced
1/4 green pepper diced
1/2 jalapeno (seeds removed) and diced FINELY
salt and pepper
Cavendars seasoning
Ketchup
Pinch of brown sugar

Mix all ingredients except ketchup and brown sugar, pack into baking dish.  Top with ketchup (as desired) and then sprinkle a little brown sugar on top.

Here's how mine came out:

A little spicy, a little sweet, but a whole bunch of goodness!!! :D
GO ME!!

Empty

Aside from a few small boxes, my apartment is empty.  Empty of furniture.  Empty of decor.  Empty of clothes.  Empty of towels.  Even empty of a shower curtain.

So empty.

I think back to a year ago when I moved into this apartment...  I was excited.  Happy.  It was my first solo apartment.  Mine ... at least it was for the first seven months.  And then I made a fateful phone call that led to the deterioration of so much -- my happiness, my solitude, my privacy, my freedom, my haven.

And now?  I've been put in a position where the only thing I can do is leave.  Pack up and run for the hills.

So here I am.  In my empty apartment, prepared to spend my last night on the floor on a blanket.  Tomorrow?  Last minute cleaning between work/class/work, then final walk through at 4pm, and the key hand over.  Where I'll metaphorically ride off into the sunset and not look back.

I'll miss this apartment.  I'll miss the convenience, the awkward layout, the amazing kitchen, the happy memories.  I won't miss the irritation and frustration my house-schleper caused me.

I'm so conflicted about this move.

So I'll sign off and head to bed, because it's an early morning for me!  Work at 6am, Class at 8-4, Walk through at 4, Work at 5.  And then it's off to bed in my new home.  :)

Goodnight, for the last time, 113.  Goodnight.

First day I was here!

And now I bid it adieu.

Let me Tell You Something Good

Ever have a moment with your significant other where you're just kind of quiet together and this feeling of "right-ness" just descends and settles over the two of you, and you kind of look into eachothers eyes and give a half smile, knowing that something major is being said with those eyes, but the mouth refuses to speak it?

Yeah.

I had one of those moments today with Daniel.  In fact, we've had several moments like that this weekend.

I suppose that's love, huh?  Haha.  I haven't been in that position in so long...  It's so nice to feel it again.  It's so nice to be with a man with whom I feel:

() Comfortable
() Looked after
()  Safe
()  Special
()  Important to them
() Petite
()  Cared for (although now that he's said the 'I love you', I think this should this say "Loved")
()  Sexy
()  Wanted
()  Needed
()  Respected

It's been a long time coming.  And I am so appreciative of the relationship that he is contributing to for what he's contributing.  I just pray that I'm holding up my end of the bargain!  LoL.  But I'm pretty sure I am -- seeing as how he's still around :)

Scholarship and Mom

Last week I officially accepted the Work Study Scholarship for the CarolinaEast Rehabilitation Hospital in New Bern, NC.  They will reimburse me for all school expenses (tuition and books) in exchange for two years of employment with them.  I'm still pretty nervous about the two year commitment, but if the past year is any indication, I think that those two years will fly by.

I also made the difficult decision to move.  My last day in the apartment is August 31st.  It's hard for me to believe that date is already this Wednesday!!  I have done most of the moving, but there are a lot of loose ends that have to be tied up in the moving process.  And I'll be going to school and working in the midst of it. I don't know where Mom is going.  As far as I know, she doesn't have a place lined up yet.  But I keep trying to expose her to various tools and resources that she can use.

A part of me has completely cut her out.  That is so awful to say.  So awful to admit.  But she has drained me of sympathy and pity.  I wish things had gone so differently.  I wish I had had more patience.  I wish that I could have been more use to her.  I wish it could have been a more pleasant experience.  I wish she could have respected the temporary arrangement.

I look forward to the move.  There are many financial benefits of moving to this place.  There is more room.  There is a yard. I'LL HAVE CABLE.  It's less convenient to my New Bern life, but it's a small price to pay for sanity.

Making that decision was definitely the hardest decision I've ever had to make.  Without the support I have from my family, my friends, and my boyfriend, I wouldn't have been strong enough to do it.  But I know it had to be done.  And I'm ready to move forward from this incessant drain on my life, my energy, my happiness, my privacy, and my independence (I might have the rest of my life to establish my own identity as my Mother snapped to me one day, but I'll never be 23 again.  I'll never have these days back.  And I refuse to waste my time on something that doesn't foster positivity in my life.)

Oh and I got a Haircut today :)

First an earthquake and now the first major hurricane in the US since 2008, and the first major hurricane to hit NC since 1996 (Hurricane Fran: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_North_Carolina_hurricanes ).  And four of the 8 storm tracks bring it pretty much straight through New Bern... ( http://www.weather.com/maps/news/atlstorm9/spec_floater10_large.html )

Yeah.

I've collected a few of my post prized possessions and will be heading inland about 45 minutes to near by Greenville.  I don't expect any of my abodes to be severely damaged, but you never know with a hurricane.  And this is definitely the biggest one we've had since I've been in the region.  So I'm a little nervous about it.

Outside of the Hurricane, I have a lot on my mind and a lot to blog about, but I feel like I need to let it stew.  So that I can filter and edit and tell it so it says everything I need it to...

What do you think?

Things with Mom have been and continue to deteriorate...  And you know what they say: desperate times call for desperate measures.

After asking her for the second time to move (ie: giving her notice and setting a date), she's thrown both attempts up in the air and is going no where.  This last attempt, her attitude was poor -- it felt like she was saying 'I'm not moving until I'm ready and you can't make me leave'.  Not to mention that she is stopping paying "rent".  And also, not to mention that she continues to drag my guy into her arguments when none of this has any thing to do with him.

She's my Mom.  I'll always have a soft spot in my heart for her.  But she's pushed me too far.  She's used me for too long.  She's not doing anything for herself.  She is stagnant.

An opportunity has presented itself as an escape from this situation for me.  Since she won't move, looks like I'll have to.  A co-worker is looking for a roommate.  I'll save a little money, have cable, have a washer/dryer, have my own space (even my own living room! as there are two), and be in a professional, respectful relationship where one is not taking advantage of the other.

I'm not leaving Mom high and dry.  I plan on talking to my Landlord and seeing if they'll consider renting to her despite her poor credit.  I plan on researching people who are looking for a roommate.  And I plan on looking into low income housing for her.  That way she'll have options.

I'm job hunting FOR her.

I'm looking into any and all assistance programs for her.

I'm doing the leg work for her so she doesn't put herself in a position to be out in the cold.

What do you think?

Relationship Anxiety SOLVED! Thank you commenter! :D

Dear God, I need your help.  I need your love, your guidance, your strength.  I opened my home to her because she had no where to go.  It was only supposed to be for a month.  And when I'm asking her to leave, she refuses.  God I am so angry.  I am a grenade of anger and frustration.  I have lost all respect and care for her.  Lord, I need you so badly right now.  Twice I have given her notice to leave, twice she has refused.  Lord I hate being stuck in my own house.  I hate that she is doing this.  I hate this situation.  I thought I was following your guidance by inviting her here.  Lord, I know you will never put anything in my way that I can't handle -- but Lord, I am not sure how much more of this I can take.  What lesson am I supposed to be learning?  God my heart has been permanently hardened towards her.  And I can't stop this.  God... Please... Just...

(sigh and slump of defeat)

Old Dog, New Tricks?

You know, I tend to be my own worst enemy when it comes to guys and relationships.

Much of this, however, stems from the guys I've dated/been with in the past.  When a girl has been exposed to nothing but good-for-nothing boyfriends all her life, it sets a precedence in her mind about what to expect for all future men/relationships.  And those precedences/habits are very hard to break--not many men want to hang around to try and "prove" that they aren't like the ones before; it requires too much time and work on their part.  And I think we can all agree that men are completely and totally impatient--this is no exception.

I think I've finally found a nice guy (I put it in italics because everytime I start to date a new guy, I'm convinced he's a nice guy.  And then a few months later they do a 180 and suddenly they are anything but a nice guy.).  He understands my apprehension, is willing to wait for intimacy, and is always checking to see if I'm comfortable with how things are.  Very conscientious, right?

And yet I'm still paranoid, still worried, still apprehensive, still scared.

I know the right guy will prove himself.  Yadda yadda yadda.  But if I'm managing to psych myself out, and that really isn't helping the situation.  I just wish the paranoia, worry, apprehension, and fear would be less of my primary focus...

So in High School, I was an avid reader and an even more active writer.  I loved to write -- poetry, stories, everything.  It was my emotional outlet.  I filled journal after journal of thoughts, images, plots...  I ate books like they were oxygen -- necessary for my very survival.

And I don't do either of those things anymore -- finding a good book to read is near impossible it seems, and attempting to write anything is like trying to strain mashed potatoes.

I miss them both.

I picked up Elizabeth Gilbert's novel "Committed" and started reading it today -- I love this author.  I read "Eat, Pray, Love" long before it was a movie or a mega-hit (only after it was a medium hit) and it was so inspiring.  I love how she writes about her life.  Draws me in like a magnet and makes me want to write again.

But it has been so long since I've done any writing that I don't even remember how to begin.

1 1/2 cups crushed iced
2-1 ounce shots of espresso OR use 3/4 cup of double strength (strong) coffee mixed with 1/2 cup of milk and increased crushed iced amount by 1/4 cup.
3/4 cup your choice of milk
3 tablespoons sugar (more or less depending on preference)
optional whipped cream in a can or freshly made and chocolate syrup
Instructions
Blend all the ingredients except the whipped cream in a blender for 30-45 seconds. Pour into a tall glass and top off with whipped cream and garnish with chocolate syrup. Best served with a straw. Enjoy!
Notes
Mocha Frappuccino Variation: Prepare everything the same as a regular Frappuccino (recipe above) except reduce sugar to 2 tablespoons and add 2 tablespoons of chocolate syrup. Enjoy!

**Other Variations**
*Use Splenda, flavored coffee syrups, or flavored coffee creamers for a portion of the milk. For a richer beverage, use half and half, or heavy cream for a portion of the milk.

I don't have time to maintain these regrets

Sometimes moving on is hard.  Sometimes it's not as hard as you make it out to be.  Sometimes all it takes is realizing -- truly realizing -- that what you're holding onto is a big old piece of shitty shit shit and that there's no reason to hold onto it.  And sometimes, all that's required to reach that realization is desperation -- desperation to move on and meet new people.

I went on a first date Thursday.  It was absolutely all I needed.

That one date (and subsequent conversations and future date planning :-D)... It opened my eyes to the reality of the type of guys I've dated in the past: assholes.  There's no other way to say it.

I have no idea if this new guy will develop into anything -- I'm just taking it one date at a time and making sure I get to know him before I make any sort of decision or commitment (including no kissing for a while).  But even if it doesn't, I have most definitely raised my standards for men!

The last remaining thing I was holding onto found its proper home after that date! :-D



I can't tell you how happy I am that I have finally been able to let go... The most freeing feeling ever.  No longer am I trapped by sadness, guilt, ugliness, or inferiority.

Tumblr and other Topics

So out of pure curiosity, I started a Tumblr account ( http://blairkl.tumblr.com/ ) recently.  And let me tell you -- I've found it to be incredibly interesting!!!  It's very easy to use, and has been an excellent way for me to explore some topics I'm interested and to find some really great blogs.  Particularly about health information, tips, and hot topics.  LOVE it!  And I'm also using it for some much more casual blogging (because I have no life and no friends so I blog haha).  So check it out!  It's really interesting!!! A cross betweeen blogger, facebook, and twitter.

On my tumblr, I shared an email that my friend Kelley sent to me  ( http://blairkl.tumblr.com/post/6358587926/untie-the-rope ).  This one email has validated and inspired many of my decisions lately.  It validated the tattoo (which I still love by the way!).  It inspired a hair cut (Chris had asked me to grow it out when he was gone, so this was kind of another freeing experience.  And I love it too!).  And it also inspired me to suggest a move out date to my Mom this afternoon.

I am proud of myself for standing up for myself to my Mom, who has settled into my apartment and gotten so comfortable that she never thought I'd ask her to leave.  She was obviously surprised when I said it, but I gave her two months notice so she could have time to figure things out.  I asked if it was enough time and she responded "I'll make it be enough time."  sigh.

It's hard not letting her guilt trip get to me.  I understand her position and her fear and her anxiety, but the fact is, like the email said:  She's not functioning on my level nor does she want to help herself so I can't help her anymore and I need to untie that rope and let her life be her life.  I don't want her to be homeless or live in her car or anything horrible like that -- she's my Mom and I care about what happens to her.  But she cannot depend on me.  She is at an age where she should be capable of caring for herself.  And she needs to do that.  And unfortunately, she's put me in a position where I have to make decisions like that.  I wish she hadn't, but it is what it is.

I've done what I could to give her a leg up in life and to give her some extra time to put her life together.  It was suppossed to be a one month long event, and by the end of July she will have had five months.  I just simply can't anymore.

I love her.  I wish the best for her.  I want to help her and I want her to succeed (and I wish I could have been there to help her make it happen).  But it's time.

A Haircut

Today I got a haircut.  Last week I got a tattoo.  The past 30 days I've lost five pounds.  This season I've fallen in love, had my heart broken (twice by the same man), opened my heart and home to a couch surfer (in the form of my mom), re-discovered God, and started a new career path.  This year I uprooted my life and moved to a new town where I knew no one, had no idea who I was (still don't think I do), and really had no opinions on anything.

Life is truly an adventure, and you just simply never know where you're going to be or what's going to happen.  There are only a few constants -- family (which includes friends that are so close they're like family), God, and change (which some may see as 'ruined plans' but I am learning to embrace as God's blessings).

Today's haircut may not seem like an important change.  And in the scheme of life, it isn't.  But it was a big day.  When Chris and I dated and before he left, he asked me to grow my hair out for him.  I agreed.  Cutting it today and doing something because I wanted to do it -- it was a beginning on a whole new lease on life.   Seeing the lifeless, dead, and dry strands of my hair be cut from me and fall to the floor, to feel the lightness that came afterwards -- nothing can replace a long overdue and desperately needed hair cut.  It was a final "fuck you".  An embrace of myself and my natural beauty (I look so much better with shoulder length hair; anything longer just looks poofy, lifeless, and shapeless).  A new spring to my step.  And yes, the boost of confidence turned some heads today :)

Life is an adventure, and something as small as a haircut can be a pretty big part of that adventure.

Culinary Success!!

This was the main showing of my dinner tonight: a light, fresh, crispy, and delicious summer salad.

Lately, I have been loving the idea of eating clean -- eating foods as close to their pure state as possible, with as few excessive ingredients as possible.  And this dish was a testement to how delicious, easy, and filling this concept can be.

Chopped Cucumber

Chopped Tomato

Fresh green beans, al dente cooked

Garbanzo beans (rinsed from the can, not cooked)

Peas (not cooked, frozen)

Fresh corn cut off the cob (no butter)

Toss with a little italian salad dressing (just enough to lightly coat) and crushed black pepper.

YUM

Well as you all know, I got my first tattoo Friday night.  And I think I've decided that I want another one (believe I elaborated on this earlier).  But what's news is that I think I've decided what I want. 

As you may have read, I want a tattoo along the side of my left breast, where my underwire would lay.  I knew I wanted a Bible verse, but I just wasn't quite sure which one I wanted (there are so many I love) until church this past weekend.  Psalms 51.

1 Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion
blot out my transgressions.
2 Wash away all my iniquity
and cleanse me from my sin.


3 For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is always before me.
4 Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight;
so you are right in your verdict
and justified when you judge.
5 Surely I was sinful at birth,
sinful from the time my mother conceived me.
6 Yet you desired faithfulness even in the womb;
you taught me wisdom in that secret place.
7 Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
8 Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones you have crushed rejoice.
9 Hide your face from my sins
and blot out all my iniquity.

10 Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
11 Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.
12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.




13 Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
so that sinners will turn back to you.
14 Deliver me from the guilt of bloodshed, O God,
you who are God my Savior,
and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.
15 Open my lips, Lord,
and my mouth will declare your praise.
16 You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.
17 My sacrifice, O God, is[b] a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart
you, God, will not despise.

18 May it please you to prosper Zion,
to build up the walls of Jerusalem.
19 Then you will delight in the sacrifices of the righteous,
in burnt offerings offered whole;
then bulls will be offered on your altar.

Obviously I don't want the whole Psalm written, but I do want "Psalm 51".  Create in me a clean heart, Oh God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.  :)

Will probably be a while before I get it done, but I've made my mind up! Woot!

"Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger..."

Moving on.

One Song to Share With Ya Tonight

Okay.  I know this song is about how Corey Smith's life was changed by becoming a father.  And I know that has nothing to do with me (read: I AM NOT PREGNANT).  But there are some lyrics in this song I love, that speak to me and to where I am in life:

The Lord works in a strange way,
There ain't no doubt,
Man he's gonna make a [woman] of me,
He's gonna straighten me out somehow
 
The lord works in a strange way,
And Heaven knows,
He's planning on a miracle,
man I wonder how it's gonna go,
The lord works in a strange way
 
Man I never saw the changes comin' they caught me unaware
 
Yeah.  Love this song.  Granted I relate it to my life in ways different than becoming a parent, but this song is so true.  He works in a strange way and He's gonna make a woman of me and straighten me out.  He's planning on a miracle for me -- and will work my life out so that I will be where I need to be.  I never expected to be where I am today, to feel how I feel or to think what I think (or to have a tattoo! haha).  But the fact is, it all culminates into who I am -- and He has worked in me, and I hope He has worked through me (or will someday).  I love my life.  I wouldn't trade it for anything.  Yes, it's rough and tough, but through it there is grace and beauty and strength that can be drawn from it (the story behind the tattoo).

A Weekend?

ohhhhmyyyygoshhhhhh.  I just realized that I have all of next weekend off from work!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Y'all. I. Can't. Even. Tell. You. The. Last. Time. This. Happened.  I will literally have no idea what to do with myself.  And on top of that -- I will be dog sitting  (aka: out of the apartment and away from Mom)!!! Wooooot!!! :) :) :) 

And what will I do with my time???  Aye!!!

I could...
-Finish the Cosmo and Shape Magazines
-Go to the beach!
-Go for a luxurious run with one of the pups
-Get up with Kat and see if she's up for starting some fishing lessons
-Catch up on homework (by then I'm sure I'll be swamped)
-Do nothing

Weekend :D & :-/ & :-z

It's nearly 10pm on a Sunday night, and I look back on my weekend to reflect, and the only way to describe it was that it was such a cacophony of experiences and emotions that ran the gamut.  As weekends normally go, it went by too quickly, but I did so much this weekend that it also felt much longer than it was.

Friday was the last day of our "Spring Semester" which had been condensed into one intense month (see posts over the past month for more info here).  It was a relief to have one semester done, and only three more to go!  The last week was ridiculous (see video post), but I and my classmates survived -- so all is well that ends well.  Another development (did I cover this in the video?  Sorry if I did) was that the class elected me President.  Not sure how I feel about it.  There's a lot of developing to do, and managing so many personalities could be a struggle.  But I'm looking forward to the challenge.  :)  I think we could accomplish some really great things as a class!!

Saturday was a very interesting day.  I worked a few hours at Cato, then went to the Y to lay out by the pool, was invited to dinner at Emily's (I'm so happy for her -- her husband came back from a 9 month deployment about a week and a half ago, and she is so incredibly happy!!) new house (BEAUTIFUL.  Wish I lived there!), then met up with Kat to go "out" in New Bern.  Now... I have not ever been out in New Bern.  We always go to Jacksonville.  But some customers at Cato kept telling me about the night life here!  So I wanted to explore.  We drove downtown and heard some music and got excited -- an outdoor concert!  So we paid to get in and lo and behold -- we had stumbled upon a Harley Davidson Bike Rally Concert!!!!! hahahaha.  I was literally drinking, dancing, and enjoying the same music as adults that are my parents age.  I'm not going to lie -- it was awesome.  These people were so... Authentic.  They were who they were and they made no excuses for it.  I've never had an experience like that -- where you don't have to have the perfect body or straightened hair or makeup to be desired by a man.  These women -- they were powerful.  Their men worshiped them.  And they were nothing special to look at.  I'm tellin you...  If that's how bikers treat their women, I need to find a biker man.  It was great though.  Excellent people watching!  And excellent music!  The band was incredible.



After the concert ended (11pm for the old farts :-p), Kat and I walked a couple blocks down the street to a basement bar I'd heard rumors of.  Ran into some of my Group Fitness participants from the Y!  Then made friends with a random girl, Laney, who was celebrating her 27th birthday (and yes, I'll admit, she had a very attractive friend there -- who knew I was into bald guys? hahaa).  And in the midst of all this, Kat and I got to catch up.  It was a crazy, epic, random, fun night.  :)  I can now say I've been to a bike rally and partied with bikers.  (Who, by the way, were so tame! No fights! lol)

Then today, I began the day with church.  I woke up feeling disconnected and discontented with the day and with life.  Ever get in those moods?  It was awful.  It persisted all day.  Where I just felt unhappy, stuck, lonely, and without friends.  Is it normal to switch moods so drastically like that?  Just last night I was living it up being social. 

So I don't know if it was my mood or if it was reality, but church just didn't connect to my soul.  It didn't pull me in like it normally does.  I left feeling like I hadn't even gone.  I went to the pool again for a few hours and got fried (I spent the same amount of time as yesterday but got 10x the sun!), then made a homemade lasagna for dinner!  It literally took 3 hours to make.

And while the lasagna cooked at the different stages, I cleaned this apartment.  And oh buddy did it need it!!!  I didn't get to everything, but it feels so much better.  AND I bought the movie Tangled!!!  Ohmygosh.  SUCH a good movie!!  Definitely one of the best ones Disney has come out with in a while.  Althoughhhhhh (prepare yourself for an ounce of whining) it made me really wish I had a significant other.  I know, I know.  As soon as I stop wanting and looking, he'll come along.  But folks, I can't just magically stop wanting and looking.  It takes me forever to just accept singledom.  I know because I've been through the process several times.  And yes, when I do accept it, someone does come along.  So I know it's the truth.  But this movie sure did make me feel lonely.  :(  Love stories -- double edge swords.

So like I said.  This weekend was such a cacophony.  I don't know how I feel about it.  And my mood is slightly disturbing me -- that they are swinging so.  I just want to be happy.  And I had some happy times, which have been overlooked by this weird mood I'm in now.

Ugh.

Well, it's off to bed!  A new week, and a new semester, begins tomorrow!  Yikes!!!

Sidenote::::: Please keep your fingers crossed and prayers goin for me.  I've got a couple pots on the metaphorical stove that I'm hoping turn into lifesavers, and this could be the week that happens!  I hope so anyway!!!

Annnnnd I'm listening to Bob Dylan as I attempt to study.  BD is BA.  Just sayin.

Incurring Debt

I have a lot on my mind. A lot.  I seem to always have a lot on my mind, don't I?  I can't help it.  It's a result of circumstance.  Many times, it's the same lot on my mind that's been there for quite some time, that fades away then re-surfaces with a vengence.  Life is cyclical in some ways and humans are creatures of habit, and I am no exception to this.  I worry about the same things, stress about the same things, run the same things through my head over and over. 

Today, money is on my mind.  You never really understand or appreciate how spoiled you are until it all threatens to come to a halt.  Til you're left to fend for yourself.  To make something of yourself by yourself.  It's not so much that I lack the drive to do this -- quite the opposite.  It's that approaching my future this way is foreign to me.  I've always had the security of support.  And now, I don't know how much longer I will have that support.  So I have to start thinking ahead, and anticipating, just in case that support is taken away.  Making decisions like these don't come easily to me.  I worry about long term reprocussions of them, of making the wrong choice, of digging myself deeper than I can crawl out of.

I was so lucky in undergrad.  I had a scholarship that paid for school, and a father who made the ends meet for living expenses.  Now?  I'm about one inch from being completely on my own.  And already, I feel the weight of financial demands overtaking my life.

Life should be about balance, happiness, peace.  In many respects, I have all those things.  But these financial demands are beginning to negate some of this.  I deeply do not want to take out a loan to make my ends meet.  But the fact is that if this support I'm receiving ends; I literally won't be able to afford living.  I could try to find a hospital to pay for school, resulting in a contract to work with them after graduation, and thus being "stuck" in an area for a specific amount of time (2 years, 5 years?  I don't know).  Which maybe wouldn't be so bad, but out the window goes the freedom to go where I want to work.  And frankly, I don't know where I want to go after school.  Do I stay here and love the beach but never meet a guy?  Do I move closer to family to save money but give up the beach (and maybe never meet a guy)?  Do I follow the wind like I have since I was little and up and move to Colorado, Wyoming, Montana, or Wisconsin (yet leave behind my family, friends, and the beach, but maybe meet an outdoorsman)? 

I don't want any more debt.  I can barely handle the debt I have.  But I may not have much of a choice.

Okay, so I have like three blogs in one here! Differentiated by the different texts/colors.  Enjoy!

I had a fortune cookie the other day that said "Your love life will be happy and harmonious."  I laughed at the irony, as my love life has been everything but that.  Maybe it'll change.  ::Shrug::  Whatever.  It'll happen when it happens (if it happens lol).

Whew!  1.5 weeks to go of the condensed "Spring Semester" (2 classes condensed into one month -- I kid you not), then Summer School (4 classes over 2.5 months), then Fall Semester (I don't know what the class distribution will be like) followed by Spring Semester 2012 and graduation.  On one hand, the road seems so long.  On the other, I can't believe that this time next year I'll (hopefully) be a Physical Therapist Assistant!  Blows my mind.

Right now my schedule is both aiding and restricting me.  My normal day looks something like this:
-5am wake up
-6am: teach class at the Y or workout
-7am: shower, dress, drive to school, sit in parking lot and squeeze in a 20 minute Bible Study time (currently not directed, just reading various books of the Bible.  Currently on John and loving it!)
-8am-12pm: class (no breaks)
-12-1pm: lunch break (aka: shove food down throat while running any necessary errands, paying bills, paperwork for clinicals, studying, etc)
-1-5pm: class (no breaks)
-5-930pm: work at cato or the Y
-930-10pm: "brain break" -- only time I allow myself to facebook, email, catch up on tv online, etc.  It usually is just me sitting and not doing anything.
-10pm-1130pm: study hour
-1130-12am: collect school materials for next day, make all necessary "brown bag" meals (90% of the time I'm packing breakfast, lunch, and dinner), pack gym bag if necessary, charge iPod if necessary, straighten up apartment if time allows (not usually), brush teeth, shower if necessary
-12am: bed time/lights out (unless there's a test the next day and then bed time becomes more like 1am)

Rinse and Repeat.

So as you can imagine, my schedule aides me and restricts me.  I function better when I'm busy -- because I know my free time is limited I make that time count and don't procrastinate.  Because I can't procrastinate.  But it also restricts me -- I can't just go get things done at any time of the day I please.  I can't take my time and scrub the toilet and Magic Eraser my tub (what an amazing cleaning tool, by the way!).  I don't have time to devote to reading for pleasure (I barely have any time to study!); prime example, I got the June Cosmo in the mail today and let out a small moan, as I hadn't even been able to read the May Cosmo yet! And I'm more sleep deprived than ever.

But I have to say -- I have more pride in myself for what I'm doing right now than I think anything I've done yet.  I'm gaining a career, paying my own way through school (which can't be said of my ECU education; THANK YOU DAD & SCHOLARSHIPS!!!!!), working two jobs, staying active in church, and keeping a smile on my face.  Yes, it's community college.  But folks, because I am so responsible for everything connected to it (paying for it, studying for it, passing it, and getting a good job out of it), I am so much more focused on this than I ever was on Undergrad.

And yes; I cut my study hour short tonight.  I'll admit it.  But my brain needed a break and some sleep!  So I'm off to bed and am so excited at the thought of sleep!  Tomorrow will be a great day, I can't wait to see what we'll learn!!!






My friend Emily's husband comes home from deployment tomorrow!!!!  First time he's been home in 9 MONTHS!!!!!!!  I am so over joyed for her, that he is returning home unharmed.  Her husband is her world, and she was so lost without him.  I can't wait to see her continue to blossom back into herself when he returns.  :) :) :)  Praise be to God for this blessing for Emily, and for the blessing this is for me -- to observe a couple so deeply in love and so positive and supportive of each other and to participate in welcoming him home and into our church. 

My caloric intake is out of control (thank you LiveStrong.com and My Daily Plate).  I have got to do something different.  For reals.

How Do You Pray when You Don't Know What You Want to Say

How do you begin praying when you are so frustrated and confused that you literally don't know where to begin?  I left church this morning feeling so uplifted and inspired by the Grace and wisdom and beauty of God that I felt more whole, more humble, more of a true follower of Christ than I was before.  The message spoke to me, the songs moved me, the company around me was supportive and just bursting with love for the Lord.  Today was going to be a good day.

I was so looking forward to Small Group, where we would be tackling another chapter in Francis Chan's book Crazy Love, a book which has so far challenged me Spiritually and encouraged me to really think about faith and church and spirituality and religion -- where they differ, where they intersect, how American Church approaches them, and how I approach them, should they be approached differently?  I went to the beach to read this weeks chapter (Chapter 5), and I was looking forward to reading it.  I went to the beach to have some one on one time with God, to spend at least part of my time there devoted to praising Him and studying His word, and to read this weeks chapter. 

But it was not the wholesome, plesant experience that it has been.  It was scattered, un-focused, confusing, and hard to read.  On one hand Chan was speaking about the forgiveness of God, the next about how Salvation has already been determined.  I was left feeling frustrated and confused.  I didn't understand what Chan was trying to say.

And small group just left me feeling more frustrated and confused than I was before.  Typically, small group is a place that brings it all together, ties up the loose ends, and I leave feeling comforted and warm and uplifted.

I left in tears.  Because suddenly, I didn't know where I stood with God.  I felt severed from Him.  I don't feel worthy of baptism and salvation -- between my past and the fact that I feel like I need to know more about Him and Jesus before I can rightfully make that decision.  Otherwise, isn't it just a phony decision?  Isn't it an uneducated decision?  How can you profess to believe in something if you don't know the whole story?  Faith, yes, I know. 

So now here I am.  My heart is knotted.  My mind is restless.  I don't even know where to begin in reaching out to God.  I need God more than ever in this instant.  "Pray, God is at your hearts' door" my friend Emily tells me.  And while I know this to be true -- I don't even know how to begin this prayer!

God, reach me.  Break down this barrier.  Fill my heart.  Remove whatever this is that is built up.  Let me know you. 

Culinary Success!

So I've been dying to try something new in the kitchen lately, and found this recipie that piqued my interest!  So I decided to take the recipie and make it my own:

0.25 C Extra Virgin Olive Oil
1 T rosemary
1 t Thyme
1 t Oregano
1 t Cumin
1 Chicken breast cut into cubes

Combine all ingredients (except chicken) in container.  Add chicken.  Let marinate 2 hours up to overnight.

In saucepan, put 3 T Extra Virgin Olive Oil, 1 T Lemon Juice, 2 garlic cloves chopped, and a couple sprinkles of Cayanne Red Pepper.  Bring combination to heat and let garlic release.  Add marinated chicken (including the marinade), and sautee covered until cooked (keeps the chicken nice and moist).

Serve: kabobs, over salad, chicken wrap, chicken salad sandwich.

I served mine over a bed of shredded iceberg lettuce with chopped green pepper and tomato, and some Kens Light Ceasar dressing.  It was delicious!

I am so excited to not have to be getting up at 6:30am on Saturdays anymore after this one!  I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to having weekends again, and even if I have to work -- being able to sleep in til 8:30am!  Going to school six days a week is rough and tough and most certainly not for the weak.  However, I do have to say: it could be much, much, much worse.  I could be bored by the material, I could hate the people in my class, I could have a boyfriend who zaps all my time and energy away.  But none of these things are true!  I am loving the classes!  I'm finding them so interesting and enjoyable.  For the most part, I like everyone in my class; with the exception of three who no one really likes.  And for once, being single is a blessing.  I barely have time to get the basic living tasks done (cleaning, cooking, showering, studying, Bible studying), let along tend to the wants and needs of someone else.  Perhaps this is me just telling myself this so that the fact that I am alone is a little more bearable.  But by the same token, it is kind of true.  As much as I want a significant other, I am just glad that I don't right now so that I can adjust to this new stress in my life.

So although school on Saturday does by and large suck, I'm glad that this is the last one and that they haven't been too terrible. :)

And I'm also glad that the program rocks so much! :D  I feel like things are working out in my life, and it's all because I listened to the Big Man Upstairs.

Morning: There Is A Time

Once I'm up, I'm up for the day.  Which makes mornings enjoyable for me.  I like having time to shower, fix my brown bag lunch, get dressed, read the news, do a little studying-- all before I leave the house for what is most usually a 13 hour long day.  Some days I get up even earlier to head to the gym and squeeze in (literally) a workout, because if I didn't, I would (literally) not have time that day.  Some days I don't use my morning time as wisely as I should -- I watch the latest episode of one of my shows instead of studying or catching up on the news.  But then again, I don't have time to watch these shows anytime else that day.  And although the rule of 'once I'm up, I'm up for the day' applies to me, sometimes the act of getting up can be difficult.  Particularly when I don't have enough sleep from the night before.  And as a result, sometimes my morning time is cut short drastically; leaving me feeling rushed the entire rest of the day because I didn't get my few moments first thing to center, organize my thoughts, and prepare myself for what is to come that day.

But regardless, I always leave the house feeling... Slightly disappointed in myself.  Because I never seem to get around to that morning devotional that I want so badly to start getting in the habit of.  I am always distracted by something else, rushing to finish something else, etc etc.  And it doesn't seem to matter how early I get up -- mornings just don't seem to be a good time for me to get my devotional in! 

So it's clear -- I need to find another time to devote to God.  Lately I can feel myself becoming lax in my devotion to Him.  Which is resulting in a change in my relationship for Him -- I feel... Slightly disconnected.  One of the seven deadly sins is "sloth," and this is a perfect example of why.  Because when you get lazy in your devotion to the one true God, you allow the distractions of the world (and in turn the devil) to get in the way, to gnaw on the lines that you have thrown to God, that eventually sever and fall -- and God becomes a further and further thought.  I think in some senses/situations, being too busy is just as deadly as a sin as sloth is.  Such opposing situations, but that both end in Spiritual illness/death.

Ecclesiastes 3 addresses this conundrum of time.  We need to understand that there is a time for everything, and that we need to carve out time for particular things and not let those activities spill over into another activity's allotted time.  We need to stay focused.  Ecclesiastes 3 also addresses so many other points.  About human happiness, God's sovereignty, and the trials that God gives us.  But today, I need to take the "there is a time for everything" lesson to heart...

Today is my first day of school!  The PTA program is finally under weigh, and it's going to be one hell of a ride for the next five months!  I have class Monday-Saturday 8-5(or 6)pm from today until May 20th to try and catch us up and stay on track to graduate in May 2012.  Then summer semester begins May 23rd and we'll have class Monday-Friday 8-5pm.  Then Fall Semester begins a couple weeks after that, and they have described that schedule as being much less intense, with split labs :)

I'm terrified of starting.  This month is going to be at such a break neck speed that I'm terrified of falling behind.  I don't know when I'm going to have time to study, since we're in class all day, and then most evenings I'll be working.  But I can't give up working because I have to figure out a way to pay for my school.  And I'm doing this on my own!  I'm excited about paying for this on my own -- it makes me feel very proud of myself to accomplish this on my own.

It's just going to be a very intense, tough couple of months where I'm going to have to be very careful with my time management....  Lots of late nights and early mornings.  :-/

BUT IT'S MY FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL! :) :) :) :) :)

Oh.My.Gosh... My mother is a blabber-er.  Dear Lord, I pray to you today for patience...

Some people live in the past.  And those same people love to gossip.  It's annoying when these people seem to always bring up the least bright points of my most recent past.  Perhaps it's done innocently, but even so, the fact is that they shouldn't be so concerned with the things that I have done, but instead on the things that they have done.

I don't like negative gossip.  I don't participate in it.  I don't spread it. And I certainly don't like being the subject of it when I've done nothing wrong, yet someone is using me as a pawn to make them look bigger and badder than they are.  It's just so pathetic! It is a waste of human energy that could be put to much better use. 

I will be the first person to admit that I am not proud of things that I have done in the past.   But the fact is, regardless of how immature some of the things I've done are, I have had a blast growing up the past couple of years.  I've gone out, had a ton of fun, cried a little, spoke my mind (some times too quickly), and moved on from one thing to the next (boys, hobbies, living spaces, friends, etc).  And yes, I've been with some people who weren't exactly cream of the crop, and who I look back on with embarrassment.  But that's my embarrassment, my past, my experiences to deal with.  Not someone else's who wasn't in the relationship to dredge up and sprinkle around and inspect.

UGH!

I'm a little worked up.
But even so, I love these someones because they are amazing, loyal people who have my back and my best interests at heart.  Even if they do sometimes unintentionally burn me a little.  Although the one who is using me as a pawn, I think he can go to hell (not a Christian thing to say, but then again, neither are his actions).  And other than that, he isn't worth my energy.  He's wasting his life and going no where.  Thank GOD I dodged THAT bullet!

I am... What are you?

I am...  What am I??

I am quiet -- listening, observing, making conclusions, reading people.
I am open minded to others thoughts and opinions, but I may not take them as my own.
By the same token, I can be easily influenced on some things.
I am hard working.  And I don't like it when other people work harder than I do.
I am lazy.  There are so many things that I could do in my "off" time, but I never seem to get any of it accomplished.
I am honest.  But kind about it.  I won't lie for you.  I won't lie about what I'm feeling or thinking.  It's so much better when people are honest with one another.
I am emotional.  I cry easily.
I am a giver.  I give too much of myself to people in my life -- usually to the ones who don't deserve it.
I am strong.  Strong in the faith that I will be okay.  That I will achieve my dreams.  That I will make something of myself and be happy.  Strong in my love for God and for my devotion to Him.
I am weak.  Easy to give in to certain temptations -- particularly jelly bean temptations, among others.
I have an uncanny ability to be able to put my foot in  my mouth (figuratively).
I am a hopeless (and helpless) romantic.  I want to believe in love, and want the happy ending, and look for that in each guy that comes along.  And instead, I don't choose selectively enough.  (see previous post)
I am a lover of beauty -- colors, shapes.  Flowers, photography, art, sunsets, sunrises, forests, beaches, rivers, mountains...
I am a simple person who likes to live simply, surrounding herself with experiences instead of things.
I am a crafter.  I enjoy making something out of nothing.  I have a millions projects I want to make, and have made so little progress on any of it!
I am a morning person.
I am thankful for everything I have had, have currently, and will be blessed with in the future.  I am spoiled by the goodness of my life.
I am spoiled by the graciousness of God.  :-D
I am self-conscious.
I am slightly lonely.  Time to get a dog...Soon anyway.
I am scared -- of what the future holds, where I will be and what I will be doing (and will anyone be with me?).  I don't like the unknown.
I am not a cat person.
I am a dog person.
I am a reader.
I am a lover of word searches, but not of crossword puzzles (they make me feel dumb).
I am shy.
I am trying to be a runner.
I am a people pleaser.


Those are some of the things (most of the things) I am.  What are you?

Finally... I am up way too late!!! Time for bed :) :)

"Coincidence is God's way of Remaining Anonymous" ~Albert Einstein

About a month ago, my sister asked me if I'd be interested in coming to Clemson for a Zac Brown Band concert.  As if I could have said no!  So plans were made a little over a month ago for a family weekend -- we'd go to a baseball game, visit the spring football game, do the concert, tailgate, and enjoy the scenic area of Clemson.  At the time, I was looking forward to this weekend not only for the time I'd get to spend with my family (I hadn't gone to visit my Dad in Seneca SC in almost exactly one year) and the fun activities we'd participate in, but also as a distraction from Chris being gone. 

The day before I was to leave for this trip (which was this past weekend, by the way), Chris broke up with me.  "Coincidence is God's way of remaining anonymous." ~Albert Einstein 

As I'm sure you can gather from my previous posts, it was not at all expected.  I was blindsided.  And I was devestated.  Suddenly this trip (a seven hour drive one way, as I must mention) became overwhelming, and it became chore-like.  I didn't want to muster the energy, enthusiasm, or thought to pack.  I didn't want to have to focus on driving.  I didn't want to show up at my family's door in shambles when this was suppossed to be such a positive, fun weekend.  I wasn't sure I could hold myself together.  I was dreading it.

But I went.

And I don't think Chris chose Wednesday night coincidentally.  I think that was God.  That was God chosing the best time for something so painful and hurtful to happen.  Because He knew that the next day, I would be whisked away to a different place with distractions -- fun distractions -- and people who truly love me and accept me (my family).  And it was the best weekend ever.  We were so busy and had such a great time.

The concert was amazing.  The spring football game was dull but neat.  The baseball game was great.  The food was delicious.  The beer was cold.  The weather was sunny and warm.  My family was kind and didn't bring it up to me once and they were such a pillar of strength and encouragement and love.  It was such an amazing weekend of healing.  I feel so much better.  So much more whole.  So much more able to look to the future and see something bright. 

Chris is a memory, but it feels so much more distant than it actually is.  So much less painful.  Because instead of focusing on him and what happened, I'm turning my focus to me.  Again.

I go through these periods; these ups and downs.  I begin wanting to focus on me -- to better myself, to do things I want to do, to create and learn and volunteer and do good.  Then I get lonely.   I feel like I'll never meet "the One".  Then a guy comes along.  So it feels like it's a sign -- that we're meant to be.  And I latch onto him.  And "me" goes out the window.  And everything is happy and sunny for a while.  Then it all comes crashing down.

Balancing this load is tricky.  On one hand, a modern girl wants to be independent, self-sufficient, have a career and personal interests.  But on the other hand, a modern girl also wants to be the perfect girlfriend (then fiance, then wife, then mother), putting her man first, doing things for him to prove that she is "the perfect girl for him."  And then you have girls like me, who haven't mastered the balance.  Who can only do one hand at a time.

Adam, my sisters not-boyfriend boyfriend, came to Clemson this weekend and carpooled with me.  On the ride home today, we were talking (as two passengers must do on a 3.5 hour trip), and the subject of my lack of luck with men was lightly brushed.  And in this very light conversation, Adam made a good point.  It went something along these lines: "You have to be careful with who you think is a good guy.  You can't just jump the gun and say they're a good guy until they've done something to earn that right." 

And it just kind of clicked.  As soon as a guy comes into my life, I have a tendency to just put them in the "good guy" category.  They never have to work for that title, or for anything else.  It's not that I don't have standards, because there are many guys who don't get into my life or who don't get very far.  It's that I'm too quick to brush under the rug something suspicious or negative to shine the spotlight on a more acceptable quality.  You could sugar coat this and just say that I want to believe the best in people.  And this is true.  But it's a half truth. 

I need a dependable, reliable, trust-worthy guy who is going to earn not only those characteristics with me, but also the title of "good guy" and "boyfriend".  I can't treat myself as a second hand store when I'm selling first hand products.

But anyways.  So I've returned home after a much needed, very appropriate, perfectly timed weekend with my family with a lighter heart, some self-inspection, and a whole lot of question marks about what to do next and what life will bring me next.  And although there is a lot that I can do, sometimes you just have to wait it out and see if the eggs you've laid in these nests will hatch before you start laying other eggs.... (Referring to school, of course)

You know, I know that "it'll happen when it's meant to be," but it's so irritating to constantly be let down and crushed.  I made a decision to make a concession for love -- to stick around in New Bern -- basically completely for Chris, and here I am.  Dumped.  I'm still so much in shock.  I'm still so hurt.  I feel so used.  And yet I'm numb.

Not to mention I turned down the offer of part time shift leader at Bath and Body Works.  I just didn't feel like it was going to be worth it...  I'd lose my health insurance.  I wouldn't be able to teach at the Y in the evenings.  And I'd have even less flexibility in my schedule than I have now.  And after I ran the numbers, I'd only make $10 more a week. 

I can't quite believe anything in my life right now.  This isn't what I was expecting on any front.  But that's life, right?  Time for me to do some serious praying -- for healing, for guidance, for re-assurance.

Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd Chris just broke up with me via email.

Talk about blind-sided.  Talk about devestated and destroyed. 

I know I'll be okay.  I know God has a plan.  I know that it'll be okay.

And a part of me has to be thankful that it happened -- that I didn't get wrapped up in a relationship with a guy who clearly can't commit and is flaky.  Because I need steady and reliable and dependent.  I need a real man who treats me right and respects me and loves me.

But I feel so damaged.  Typical, right?  Cliche, right?  But I do.  They've all walked out.  They've all given up.  And I'm left gaping, and I find myself, once again, too busy with the tape and glue.

Raw.

Today I am thankful for so many things....

1.  I am well on my way to becoming a Shift Leader at Bath and Body Works!  I've passed the round two interview, and they will be making me an offer on Friday.

2.  I am so incredibly proud of Mom!   this is a huge huge HUGE step for her! 
3.  The soreness my body feels from the double workout I did today.  LOVE IT!

4.  I am accepting the fact that I won't hear from Chris much.  It's a weight that's lifting off my heart.  I'm no longer expectantly checking my email or mailbox, because I have no expectation of receiving anything.  My weekly letters will continue, the monthly carepackages will continue, and my occasional emails to him will continue as well.  It's just I'm not expecting anything in return (regardless of how much I want something in return).  I know there will be several days and nights where the weight, sadness, and loneliness will return.  But it's easier than it was before without that expectation.

5.  I am thankful for the Love that I have for the Lord and the Love that the Lord gives to me.

So it's been about two weeks since I've heard anything from Chris.  This is by far the hardest thing I've done yet.  Not the remaining loyal part -- that part is easy.  But the not hearing from him part -- that sucks.  And getting a two word email as the only communication in this two weeks?  I don't know if it did more harm than good for me.  I'm constantly battling in my mind -- fighting between worry that he's shutting me out and between convincing myself that he's busy, stressed, and miserable and is just trying to survive (Afghan Officer Kills 2 Americans, Quran protests spread to eastern Afghanistan, and Afghanistan Explodes after Quran Burning are just a few examples that illustrate how Afghanistan is no longer a hole of boredom for our troops -- it's a hole of suck).  I hope it's the latter (that he isn't ignorning me.  I obviously don't want him miserable)and not the former, I'm pretty sure it's the latter and not the former, but I still have that tiny seed of doubt...

Doubt.  One nasty demon.  Let.Me.Tell.You.  I've seen doubt do horrible things to people, to relationships, to careers, to students.  It's the sneakiest form of evil I think there is.  It's also quite possibly one of the most selfish forms of evil.  Doubt can be a cry out for attention -- just like mine is.  And yes, sometimes you need attention (or in my case, an email!).  But a lot of times, it's just overkill.

So when things are rough and the doubt is nagging and the sadness is creeping in (like it does at times like right now), it's harder to fight.  It's easier to give in and email him ten times in two days, begging to hear from him.  But the easy route isn't the best route.  So I choose the harder fight.  The be quiet, be patient, and wait route.  The pray, distract myself, cry if need-be, and then suck it up route.  The remind myself to stop being selfish route.  I take a moment to read Deployment Correspondence (Or Lack Thereof).  I read a chapter in my "Left Behind" book (whichever one I'm reading at the time).  I read a chapter in The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands (and yes, although I am not married or even engaged, these lessons are lessons that can be learned before those commitments, during dating -- to start habits and relationships in the green instead of fostering bad habits.  And amazingly, I am altering how I approach some things about this deployment as a result of some of the things I've read in this book.  I highly recommend it!).  I read some of the Bible.  I go workout.  I work on some crochet.  I blog.  I clean.  Anything to take my mind off the fact that he isn't here and I'm not hearing from him.

How many more posts identical to this one will I write in the upcoming months?  Countless, I'm sure.  But the repetition won't be intentional.  I do not analyze what I've already written about.  I write about what is bothering me, what is weighing my heart down, what's on my mind.  Each future entry similar to this one will be as fresh of a wound as the wound I'm nursing tonight.  Loneliness is not something that just magically goes away.  It's like the tides of the ocean -- it's always there, but sometimes it's a high tide and sometimes it's a low tide.