Old Dog, New Tricks?

You know, I tend to be my own worst enemy when it comes to guys and relationships.

Much of this, however, stems from the guys I've dated/been with in the past.  When a girl has been exposed to nothing but good-for-nothing boyfriends all her life, it sets a precedence in her mind about what to expect for all future men/relationships.  And those precedences/habits are very hard to break--not many men want to hang around to try and "prove" that they aren't like the ones before; it requires too much time and work on their part.  And I think we can all agree that men are completely and totally impatient--this is no exception.

I think I've finally found a nice guy (I put it in italics because everytime I start to date a new guy, I'm convinced he's a nice guy.  And then a few months later they do a 180 and suddenly they are anything but a nice guy.).  He understands my apprehension, is willing to wait for intimacy, and is always checking to see if I'm comfortable with how things are.  Very conscientious, right?

And yet I'm still paranoid, still worried, still apprehensive, still scared.

I know the right guy will prove himself.  Yadda yadda yadda.  But if I'm managing to psych myself out, and that really isn't helping the situation.  I just wish the paranoia, worry, apprehension, and fear would be less of my primary focus...

So in High School, I was an avid reader and an even more active writer.  I loved to write -- poetry, stories, everything.  It was my emotional outlet.  I filled journal after journal of thoughts, images, plots...  I ate books like they were oxygen -- necessary for my very survival.

And I don't do either of those things anymore -- finding a good book to read is near impossible it seems, and attempting to write anything is like trying to strain mashed potatoes.

I miss them both.

I picked up Elizabeth Gilbert's novel "Committed" and started reading it today -- I love this author.  I read "Eat, Pray, Love" long before it was a movie or a mega-hit (only after it was a medium hit) and it was so inspiring.  I love how she writes about her life.  Draws me in like a magnet and makes me want to write again.

But it has been so long since I've done any writing that I don't even remember how to begin.

1 1/2 cups crushed iced
2-1 ounce shots of espresso OR use 3/4 cup of double strength (strong) coffee mixed with 1/2 cup of milk and increased crushed iced amount by 1/4 cup.
3/4 cup your choice of milk
3 tablespoons sugar (more or less depending on preference)
optional whipped cream in a can or freshly made and chocolate syrup
Instructions
Blend all the ingredients except the whipped cream in a blender for 30-45 seconds. Pour into a tall glass and top off with whipped cream and garnish with chocolate syrup. Best served with a straw. Enjoy!
Notes
Mocha Frappuccino Variation: Prepare everything the same as a regular Frappuccino (recipe above) except reduce sugar to 2 tablespoons and add 2 tablespoons of chocolate syrup. Enjoy!

**Other Variations**
*Use Splenda, flavored coffee syrups, or flavored coffee creamers for a portion of the milk. For a richer beverage, use half and half, or heavy cream for a portion of the milk.

I don't have time to maintain these regrets

Sometimes moving on is hard.  Sometimes it's not as hard as you make it out to be.  Sometimes all it takes is realizing -- truly realizing -- that what you're holding onto is a big old piece of shitty shit shit and that there's no reason to hold onto it.  And sometimes, all that's required to reach that realization is desperation -- desperation to move on and meet new people.

I went on a first date Thursday.  It was absolutely all I needed.

That one date (and subsequent conversations and future date planning :-D)... It opened my eyes to the reality of the type of guys I've dated in the past: assholes.  There's no other way to say it.

I have no idea if this new guy will develop into anything -- I'm just taking it one date at a time and making sure I get to know him before I make any sort of decision or commitment (including no kissing for a while).  But even if it doesn't, I have most definitely raised my standards for men!

The last remaining thing I was holding onto found its proper home after that date! :-D



I can't tell you how happy I am that I have finally been able to let go... The most freeing feeling ever.  No longer am I trapped by sadness, guilt, ugliness, or inferiority.