Big Changes vs Small Changes in Goals

"The other thing psychology research tells us is that the chance of long-term success when you try to change more than one thing at a time is less than 10%.  You may be able to sustain these changes for a short time, 1-4 weeks, but in the end the brain will resist and default back to its old ways. Change one small thing at a time and your chance of success is greater that 85%." - Jade Teta, Metabolic Effect

This is why most New Years Resolutions fail.

So I have to be careful in how I set my goals for 2013... Glad I have another couple of days to consider what my goals are... Because I'm not quite sure yet!!

An Overwhelmingly Blessed CHRISTmas

Wow.  I am not sure how much more blessed I could possibly be after this Christmas season!!

I have been blessed to be able to see my family and enjoy some long overdue quality time with them, while also enjoying a field trip to the Biltmore.  I have been blessed to be able to celebrate my birthday with my family and with my boyfriend.  I've been blessed to have time off from work to spend with family for Christmas and my birthday.  I've been blessed with financial means to travel, celebrate, gift, and even pay off my student loan in the process.  I've been blessed with the love of God through his only Son -- whose birthday we get to celebrate this week.  And I've been blessed enough to have Christmas Day off of work to spend with Daniel's family -- celebrating together.

Not to mention, that after this Christmas season, I pretty much have a new wardrobe, new watch/accessories that I had been lacking, new towels, new sheets, three new pairs of shoes, a new-to-me Bernina sewing machine (along with all the accessories, more fabric, and a sundry collection of quilting books and notions), and a variety of other small things that my everyday routine was missing out from (you know, those little things that just makes your life that much more comfortable -- like shaving cream, foundation, bath gel, shampoo, socks, etc).

Of course, Christmas is not just about presents or the things that you get.  Which is why I feel even more blessed to finally have a better understanding of this!  I've always known what Christmas celebrated, but I don't think I ever fully grasped the gravity of the event.  Granted, I still don't (and probably never will) understand it totally, but it's really sinking into my heart this year just how special a celebration this is!

I look ahead to the coming year of 2013, and it is full of hopes, dreams, goals, and plans.  I am looking forward to creating a vision board (a picture of which I will share here) that culminates all of these things that shows not just where I want to go and what I want to accomplish next year, but it also demonstrates just how much I have grown this year!

Life is good, Thanks Be to God.

Need to Re-Focus

It's a beautiful, 74 degree sunny December day (in NC mind you!  Didn't win the lottery and visit FL haha), and I find myself home alone, off work early, and with a moment of quiet and a mind that is itching to write.  The hammock has been put away for winter storage, so instead of setting myself in it's roped comfort to sway suspended in the air, I settle for my spot on my bed. I'd open the window for a breeze, but the Christmas lights are up and blocking that from happening.  So I pretend...

The next couple of weeks are going to be very busy.  I work basically 9 days straight to compensate for some vacation time that I'm taking in order to visit Dad and Meghan for Christmas :)  I think we are all excited about the visit -- Dad contacts me every day to give me the updated countdown lol.  But I have a lot to accomplish in these 9 working days.  I've got 6 different baked goods to prepare for goodie baskets as Christmas gifts.  I've got a hair appointment for a new look.  I've got to pack (blech!).  I've also got to spend some quality time focusing on my goals and staying on track.

I've begun following the Metabolic Effect Diet Lifestyle -- a book that you can find here (no, I don't get any money for endorsing this book) -- that is based on hormonal effects of food and exercise.  I love it because it streamlines exercise into 20minute workouts three times a week, and the food portion is pretty much the simplest thing ever.  I began this about five weeks ago.  The first three weeks I was on track (and saw major results).  But last week was not so good -- so I'm really having to refocus and get myself back on track.  (Of course, this would be much easier if I made the time to prepare my meals like I take the time to catch up on my DVR!)

Anywho, let me get back to my point between Christmas vacation/stress/new lifestyle.  I am really feeling the effects of "this time of the year."  The stress is really affecting my cravings, and the busy schedule is really affecting my ability to have time to prepare meals ahead of time.  THEN I'm looking at a four day trip from my relatively healthy world into the world of my Dad's excellent (aka unhealthy) cooking.  It's going to be really tough for me to watch my portion sizes and to stay committed to completing my workouts while on vacation.  I'm going to need some accountability on this trip... Thankfully Daniel will be there and he can help me out.

So I need to create some goals for the next two weeks...

• I promise myself to spend some time with God and His Word once a day.  Even if it's just a short devotional.
• I promise to stay committed to my weight training 3x/week -- even on vacation.  I will take weights, my GymBoss Trainer, and workout clothes on my trip.  I will recruit the help of Daniel and my friends to hold me accountable to this goal.
• I promise to relegate myself to sensible portion sizes when at Dad's and to not eat my weight in food.
• I promise that before I go on this trip, to make smart decisions when fueling my body.  To allow myself the one cheat meal on Thursday before my trip.
• I promise to enjoy my time with my family, and to not stress over the little things.  I promise to make memories, not enemies.

Okay.  I've written them down.  Now to share, post them on my walls, and live by them...

O Christmas Tree

The holidays have officially arrived.  I spent Thanksgiving with Daniel's family, which was lovely.  It went by too quickly, and I had to turn around and drive home to be at work the next day.  But I was grateful that Daniel was able to come visit me this weekend, where we enjoyed some quality shopping time together.  And then the four of us worked like a NASCAR pit crew to throw up the Christmas tree in record time.

There's something about sitting in front of a glowing Christmas tree, with the old time crooner's playing their Christmas tunes on the stereo that just puts you in a mood.  When Daniel was sitting next to me an hour ago, it was a decidedly cuddly mood.  When the roommates were gathered around the tree as well, it was a mood of thankfulness and heightened awareness of how blessed I am. When everyone has gone out on their errands, it has become a total reflective state of mind.

This has been quite a year.  A year of struggle.  A year of positive change.  A year of new beginnings.  A year of stepping out on my own and becoming more of an adult.  So grateful for the struggle and the joy.

- Moving into Chrissy's house
- Growing closer to God
- Graduating from PTA school
- Getting licensed as a PTA
- Starting my first big girl job
- Taking Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University
- Beginning to teach myself how to quilt
- Slowly working on a better relationship with my Mom
- Becoming involved in BFP
- Finding the better way to slim down
- Getting closer with Daniel's mom
- Being able to give more to my church and my family
- Making progress on paying down debt
- Being able to finance my car repairs without having to phone Dad for help
- Having health insurance
- Continuing a positive relationship with Daniel
- Living through the financial strife of being a student to being a more financial independent adult

So grateful.

I forever feel like I am picking up the pieces of my life and trying to put the puzzle together.  I look at so many other young women's lives and see a life that is so much more put together than mine is.   When I compare to my life, which just seems so... Behind.  Women my age have their shit together.  They have cars that at least work.  They have a place of their own.  Their spiritual lives seem so much richer and deeper than mine.  They're better cooks.  They're more organized and less messy.

But me?  I feel like I am perpetually falling apart.  I go through a short period of reprieve and then my house of cards tumbles right back down on me.

I don't even know where to start.

I thought I was on the right track.

I thought things were looking up.  But now?  I don't have a car that works.  I don't have a neat/organized life.  I don't manage my time well.  I don't have the deep, spiritual relationship that I crave (I crave God. I have God, but I crave more of Him, more of his peace, more understanding of his word).  I really am not that good of a cook.  I have not created a home that is put together -- it is a mix-matched jig-saw puzzle that does not match or go, just more chaos.

I just had to face the reality that my own bank won't approve me for a loan without a co-signer because I don't have enough credit history.  So if I want to purchase, I have to roll the dice and hope a dealer can finance me without a co-signer.  And if they don't?  I just dinged my credit from the credit applications for no reason.

I am just so overwhelmed.  Overwhelmed with everything I "should" be doing.

Bucket List

I think there are some things that I actually want to put on my bucket list (no laughing at lame-ness)

- Learn, respect, and change my attitude about food.  Learn to view it as fuel for my body and NOT happiness for my mind.

-  Be respected as a PTA by my co-workers and patients.

-  Be debt free

-  Buy a car

1 Month Down

It's another hazy morning here -- I don't think the weather got the memo that we are now in September, and that therefore it's supposed to start transforming into more tolerable conditions -- and I once again find myself awake on a Saturday morning entirely too early.  Long gone are the days of sleeping in; or so it seems.  Although I tried to will myself back to sweet slumber, it could not be achieved.  So instead, I'll opt for a little personal reflection (aka blogging) and then follow up with some Bible Study.  :)

I have officially survived the first month of my career.  It's hard for me to believe that the time has gone so quickly.  My mother was right (gasp) -- time speeds up as you get older.  There was so much self-doubt and nervousness that took up that first month.  And I wish that I could say that it's gone away; but it's still there.  I'm still nervous every time I begin to work with a foreign and new patient, whose acronyms in their chart I'm not sure I know what they mean.  Whose nurses always seem to be a little to snippy and seem bothered that I check in with them prior to treatment (although I will always continue -- four times now checking with the nurses has stopped inappropriate care).  My coworkers are very knowledgeable -- they seem quite intimidating to me, and I hate peppering them with so many questions -- I should have absorbed more from school.  But honestly, as challenging as it is, I love my job.  I love being able to work with a person and touch them and make even the smallest difference in their day.  And I pray that I am planting seeds of hope and goodness (also God) in my patients.

I find myself more and more in prayer these days -- turning to God to take my worries and to guide me through the day has made the biggest change in me.  When I don't do this, I can feel the difference; it's not fun.  He has helped bring me through this month and to guide and encourage me the whole time.  My strength comes from the Lord.  And oh how great it is!

Yesterday was a long and chaotic and doubtful day at work.  I came home feeling a good bit deflated and down-trodden.  I retreated to my room and stayed there for quite some time.  When I traveled downstairs, I found Chrissy and Leah (my roommates) sitting at the dinner table with Dawn -- one of the most amazing, wise, and knowledgeable Christian women I have ever met (and who Chrissy has asked to be her Mentor and Accountability Partner in Christ).  I knew Chrissy had asked Dawn to come over to pray and study a problem her heart was having with being surrounded by so many divorces, but I wasn't expecting to be drawn to the table.  I didn't want to interrupt or intrude, but I felt like I needed to be there for this conversation.

And I am so glad that I sat down at that table.

We spent the next two and a half hours listening and absorbing Dawn's wisdom.  Wisdom about how marriages have been cheapened, about Christian gender roles vs Womens Rights gender roles, about the sanctity of your body, about the impact of your decisions.  And how there are no mistakes; there are bad choices, but God can use those bad choices to do good.  About desert years and silent years -- and how you get through them.  About how important the Word is.

It filled my heart.
It filled my soul.
It rejuvenated me.

I want to have a happy marriage that does not end in divorce.  I want Christian gender roles in my marriage. I want God's blessing.  So it's time for me to study these things.  To find out what my role and purpose is.  To seek Him and His opinion.

Finding myself surrounded by women who are believers and who want to seek God has made the biggest difference in my faith journey.  It's so much more powerful (and fun) when others are with me.

The Noticer

This morning, with just a hint of Fall in the air and the skys finally showing patches of blue, I finished the most amazing book: The Noticer.

This book was one that the Ladies Group at church picked for one of their summer Book Club reads (the other was The Shack, which I did not read), and we'll be meeting to discuss this book on Wednesday.  But this book was amazing.  My copy was bought new, has only been read once, but is covered in highlights, notes, underlines, circles -- and the spine is well worn.

The bottom line?  Life is all about perspective.  And gaining some good perspective will make the biggest difference in the direction of your life.

I wanted to share a few of the highlights/underline/notes that I made:

"Think with me here... Everybody wants to be on the mountaintop, but if you'll remember, mountaintops are rocky and cold.  There is no growth on the top of a mountain.  Sure, the view is great, but what's a view for?  A view just gives us a glimpse of our next destination -- our next target.  But to hit that target, we must come off the mountain, go through the valley, and begin to climb the next slope.  It is in the valley that we slog through the lush grass and rich soil, learning and becoming what enables us to summit life's next peak."

How often I have directed my life to reach "the mountain top"!  To get to this high and lofty earthly place.  But why?  Why is that where I want to be?  After reading this, I realize I don't want to reach the top of the mountain as my goal.  And maybe we need to reverse our thinking about the good times and the bad times.  Maybe the bad times should be associated with the top of the mountain -- where we are largely isolated and removed, left cold in a desolate place that can't even sustain growth.  And yet we're closest to God when we're in the bad times -- another reason why they should be associated with mountain tops -- because they're physically closer to the earthly description of heaven.

So now I don't want to climb the mountain and reach the highest peak -- I want to live in the valley, protected from storms by the mountains, surrounded by dense and fruitful growth.  All the while maintaining my relationship with God.

"Whatever you focus upon, increases."

My worries increase when I focus on them.  My patient's pain increases when they focus on it.  Needs, wants, hunger, boredom, discontent, anger, frustration -- so very true.

"When you focus on the things you need," he went on to explain, "you'll find those needs increasing.  If you concentrate your thoughts on what you don't have, you will soon be concentrating on other things that you had forgotten you don't have -- and feel worse! If you set your mind on loss, you are more likely to lose... But a grateful perspective brings happiness and abundance into a person's life."

"All people -- all lives -- are either in a crisis, coming out of a crisis, or headed for a crisis."

We are forever backpacking the Appalachian Trail -- up and down mountains, in and out of crisis, good times to bad.  Life is an ebb and flow -- regardless of how "well off" or "bad off" someone seems.  We need to recognize this fact and use this knowledge to change how we treat and approach people.  Treating everyone with a little more humanity will make the biggest difference in this world.

"It's time to stop letting your history control your destiny."

How many times we need to hear this fact!  It's like the song goes:

"A person consumed by worry can focus.  Isn't it obvious?  Worry is focus!  But it's focus on the wrong things."

Oh boy.  This one really hits home for me.  I, and pretty much my entire paternal side of the family, are worry warts.  I have to blame genetics, but it doesn't remove the fact that we focus on all the wrong things.  I really need to work on this -- so that when I begin worrying about something, I will consciously shift my focus.

"The seeds of depression cannot take root in a grateful heart."

They cannot.  Every time I've felt myself slipping into depressive tendencies (another bit of my paternal genetic inheritance), I've turned my focus to finding my blessings and focusing on them.  No matter how small or basic (including clean socks), it always works.

"Wisdom can be gathered in your downtime.  Wisdom that can change the very course of your life will come from the people you are around, the books you read, and the things you listen to or watch on radio or television." ---The power of influence

The power of influence.  Funny, because I read this chapter right after this message about the power of influence: Back to the Start: Influence

"A leaf is an indicator.  One can walk through the forest and never look up.  But you can pick up a single leaf and know all sorts of information about the tree you are under."

"Many of life's treasures remain hidden from us simply because we never search for them."

"Your big picture will never be a masterpiece if you ignore the tiny brushstrokes." 

So often we hear "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff."  But this book makes a convincing argument that the small stuff matters.  The small stuff makes up the big stuff, so to ignore it is guarantee failure/problems.  So start small to build big.  That's how they build a house!  They start piece by piece to create a mansion.

"Have you ever considered how often we judge ourselves by our intentions while we judge others by their actions?"

Stunning, isn't that question?  I was speechless.  How hypocritical we are by nature!

"Remember, forgiveness is an altogether different thing from trust or respect.  Forgiveness is about the past.  Trust and respect are about the future.  Forgiveness will be in the hands of others and can be given to you, but trust and respect are in your own hands... and they must be earned."

That's a tough difference to make...  We are not control of our earthly forgiveness.  But we are in control in our behavior and our actions that leads to trust and respect that will diminish the need for earthly forgiveness.

"No matter your past, you can choose your future."

Learn from the past.  Grow from it.  Move on from it.  Create the future you want.  Don't punish yourself for the rest of your life.

"One day, you will look back on this 'worst time' in your life as a fortuitous event.  Even your worst times have value and can become, in retrospect, your best times."

So. True.  The last two years were "awful" as I was living them.  But looking back, I can see what power those two years had for me.  And they weren't awful!

What a Week!!

Oh my goodness...  The past week has been a legitimate rollercoaster for me.  I took my boards last Tuesday, and then was in a state of limbo until yesterday when I found out whether I passed or not.  It was the longest week of my life, fraught with stress, emotion, and frustration.

But in the midst of all of this, some good things occurred -- secured myself a new fitness job, which is very exciting!  I'll be teaching some Monday/Wednesday/Friday morning Boot Camp classes (see http://beyondfitphysiques.com/ for info about what that's all about) and I'm super stoked about it!  I'm excited to be involved with a group of wonderful women who will help motivate and encourage me to be more steadfast with my own habits (I've already noticed changes!).  Teaching is honestly one of my favorite things to do.


Daniel has also applied for a position with the local police department in my town and has an interview on the 2nd.  It's very exciting for him (and for me! I'd love for us to be closer!!) and so prayers would be greatly appreciated as he begins the process.  He's also signed up to take his motorcycle class the weekend of the 5th, which successful completion means he can carry passengers (aka ME!).


And Tuesday was the big day --- the day I found out whether or not I passed my board exam, which determined whether or not I could begin working at the hospital, which determined my financial health.  So no pressure!  I was at work and checked the website for my name on my lunch break -- nothing popped up.  I wasn't sure when they would begin posting, so to double check (and to see if I'd simply failed), I checked one of my classmates.  There her name was.  I checked mine again.  Nothing.  I'd failed.  I called Daniel and just burst into tears... My world was reeling.  I thought it could happen, but I'd been praying so fervently that it wouldn't happen.  I would have to work at Cato for three more months.  What about my financial support?  Would that continue or would that get cut off?  Would I have to move to SC?  Then a small flicker of hope sprung up in my mind --- maybe they were posting alphabetically and hadn't gotten to the L's yet.


I got back on the website and checked several classmates who alphabetically came after me.  Not a single one was posted.  The flicker of hope burned a little brighter.  I called Daniel back and explained my theory.  He supported it (but then again, why wouldn't he?  He was hoping for this pass as much as I was).  But I was so rattled that I couldn't stay on the phone with him after telling him what the website was and how it worked.  There was no way I was going to be able continue checking the website.  So I decided to meekly sit and attempt to eat my lunch (although my stomach was in such knots of fear and anxiety that it was quite difficult) in quiet -- to calm myself down, and to try and stop the flow of stress-induced tears.


Five minutes into this attempt at peace, my phone rang.  It was Daniel.  "Alright PTA License Number 4-8-5-9... YOU PASSED!"  I literally jumped up and down, in circles, did a strange star looking jump, and yelled (yes, in the middle of my workplace) "I PASSED!"  My life wasn't over.  My worst fears weren't realized.  I'd been spared extended torture and having to re-take the hardest test I've ever taken in my life.

I couldn't stop smiling the rest of the day.  Spreading the news to my friends and family was like handing them happiness.  I'd made them proud and not disappointed them.  It felt so fantastic that I was finally at that point where I could say: "I'll be starting my career in two weeks."








I am pleased to say that 11 of my classmates also experienced the same joy I felt.  But I am broken hearted to say that 1 felt the worst pain and anguish imaginable.  Please keep this one student in your prayers as she prepares to re-study and re-take the exam in October.  She is an amazing person and deserves to be a PTA -- if you knew her, she'd be just as much as an inspiration to you as she is to me and my classmates.






So now I'm just waiting to be making "big girl money," to have a normal and regular schedule/routine, and to have health insurance (Woooooohooooo!).  I know there will be lots of bumps and learning curves, but I'm just so excited that I'm choosing not to focus on that right now.


God brought me through one hell of a week, and I couldn't be more grateful for the work he's done in my life.  Because it was truly God who opened this PTA door for me.  Without God in all this, I would have never heard of or gotten into the program, moved New Bern, established a deeper relationship with Him, or gotten into a relationship with Daniel (THE mister), or found the housing I've found.  His fingerprints are all over my life...

I am beyond irritated.  You think I was in a mood, well buddy, let me show you a mood.  Let me show you the cold worlds of my moods.  You want to make a snarky comment just as I'm getting to the time where I'm biochemically predisposed to moods, on top of not knowing whether or not I passed/failed a career deciding exam and am going crazy over it?  Well "honey," let me show you a mood...

Positive Influences

This last move has been such a positive path for me... My landlady/housemate/friend and I have really used this opportunity of co-habitation to push each other.  To encourage each other.  To create an environment of positive lifestyle choices.  Challenging each other to take the steps we need to take individually and to help hold each other accountable.

One of the lifestyle choices we're targeting is our weight/fitness.  This encompasses exercise as well as eating a better diet and balancing those indulgences.

Another aspect we're trying to challenge each other with is our dedication to studying the Bible and seeking out mentors and wisdom/guidance from them.  This challenge has been great!  We've both found mentors and are seeking the path for deeper faith.  I am very excited about this!!

I've just really enjoyed having these positive influences in my life, which are helping me grow into a better person -- one which is more mature and who has better lifestyle choices.  This move to New Bern has been one of the most difficult and challenging times of my life, but has really been such a blessing.  And I pray that this journey continues and leads me into more and more positive places! :)

Heart for Divorce

Tonight my heart breaks for all the wonderful, beautiful women I know that are going through divorce...  It seems to me that so many couples are going their separate ways this summer, and it just hurts.  I hurt for them -- for the fear, the pain, the unknown, the betrayal, the lost love, the lost stability.

It takes two to tango, but those who I know in these situations -- they're the ones my heart and prayers go out to.  For relief, healing, hope, and direction.  For the priceless gift of laughter each day as a break from their tears and frustrations.  To know that God loves them, and that they can do all things through Him.

It makes me scared of marriage.  It makes me question all of it.  It makes me wonder if the good couples are out there, and if Daniel and I will qualify as a "forever" or not.  You hear scorned men and women say "Never get married," and you wonder if you should take that advice or not...

All purpose flour won't rise.  To make it rise add:

For each cup of all-purpose flour, add 1 1/4 teaspoons of baking powder and 1/4 teaspoon of salt.

I Done Got Away

Other than visiting Daniel or my family, when was the last time I just got away in the past two years?  Honestly, until this weekend, I hadn't just gotten away. Not until this weekend, anyway.

I was invited to ride along with my housemate/landlady to visit some mutual friends 2 hours away.  I accepted the invitation, and as a surprise to me, my family deposited some surprise "fun money" into my account.  Honestly -- every time that's happened before, I spent it on bills instead of fun.  But this weekend? I spent some of it on some fun.  WHAT a breath of fresh air.  I hadn't been to the movies in months, and I went.  I hadn't gone out to IHOP in months, and I went.  I hadn't stepped foot inside a clothing store (other than the one I work at) in months, and I did (and enjoyed window shopping).  It was just so nice.  To get away.  To enjoy good, quality company/friendships.

Jeanine, who we went to visit, made a funny statement regarding how things have been for me the last year -- "Fun? What's that?"  And it's the damn truth.  I had literally forgotten what it was like to allow myself to have some fun.

And now I realize what a priority it is.  To allow yourself some time for fun.  For friends (which I have not put as a priority and have honestly isolated myself from opening myself up to making friends -- all this stress has led me to constructing and maintaining a wall against friends).

So now I'd like to make a list of things I'd like to do around here for fun.  So that I can fully experience this area while I'm here.

Fun -- who knew it was so important??

No Matter What May Come

On my way home from work on Sunday, this song came on the radio:

"I'm not about to give up

Because I heard you say 

There's gonna be brighter days... 

I won't stop, I'll keep my head up 

There's gonna be brighter days...

When life won't play along

And right keeps going wrong

And I can't seem to find my way

I know where I am found

So I won't let it drag me down

Oh, I'll keep dancing anyway...

I've got to hold it steady

Keep my head in the game

Everything is about to change

(everything is about to change)

This hurt is getting heavy

But I'm not about to cave

Everything's about to change

There's gonna be brighter days...

No matter what may come

Gotta move to a different drum

No matter what life brings

Gotta move gotta move to a different beat...."

After the past few days of worry, stress, and frustration, these words felt so heaven sent -- words of encouragement, strength, perseverance, determination, and faith.  I needed to hear these exact words.  Because they are true.  Life isn't playing along, and right keeps going wrong -- it's as if I can't find my may.  But I can't let it drag me down, I've got to hold it steady, and keep my head in the game, because everything truly is about to change.  These next two months will be a struggle.  They will suck.  They will be hard.  They will be tight.  

But last night?  I thanked God for the struggle.  For the lessons.  For learning how tough and durable and determined I really am.  For learning more about myself.  For learning about what is important in life.  How to prioritize.  Lessons I couldn't possibly have learned otherwise.

I said thank you for all of this.  And the weight was lifted off my chest.

How many times have you thanked God for the struggles, the hurdles, He's placed in front of you?  You should try it... It will be more liberating than you could possibly imagine.

Thoughts of an Insomniac

It's 1:45am as I begin this blog -- wrought with insomnia due to a mind that will not rest.  It won't turn off -- there is too much for it to worry about and figure out and distress over to turn off.  What a silly thought, sleep!

I don't particularly want to journal my most personal details, but I need to journal something about what is going through my brain at this ridiculous hour so that maybe I can get some sleep.

I never thought I'd be where I am.  Life is a winding road (wait, isn't that a Sheryl Crow song?), and looking back, I can definitely say this is true of my life.  And I'll be honest with you -- this past year?  I feel like I have experienced what middle aged adults have been experiencing during the most recent economic crisis.  Bouncing from abode to abode to survive.  Living paycheck to paycheck.  Maxing out the credit card to just try and stay afloat.  Trying to enter a new workfield and to educate myself for it -- all on borrowed money.  Relying on my family to help with the bare basics of being able to afford pasta and rice and a roof over my head.  Receiving bill after bill and wanting nothing more than to pretend that they don't exist for the sole reason that you have no idea how you're going to pay for it -- the only idea so far is to use the entirety of the next paycheck to pay it (although this could lead to some complications with putting gas in the car...).  Having to restrict all entertainment and social functions to those that are free and/or on cable.  Realizing at 1235am that you're $18 short of a bill that needs to be paid so you rob the last quarters, nickles, dimes, and pennies out of the piggy bank for $11 -- but that means you'll only have to take $7 from the $25 bill money...  And that other $25 bill?  It will just have to wait because this one takes precedence.

I just feel overwhelmed.

I know that life is tough (case in point).  I know that there are better days ahead (after taking $7 from another bill, I'll have a board certification test date in July, and then will begin a full time job in August).  I am finding purpose in everyday.  I am finding any and all reasons to smile, laugh, be appreciative (because to be honest with you, I am so much better off than millions of people across the world -- think of the adopt-an-orphan campaigns), and praise God for how good life is and how blessed I am (I am getting really good at counting even the small blessings).  I am not trying to be too overly dramatic here.

But I am just so frustrated.  I'm frustrated that I can't get ahead.  I'm frustrated that I am hardly making ends meet.  I'm frustrated that I just can't afford anything.  I'm frustrated that I can't do anything about it because I've exhausted all options, and thus my hands are tied and I have to wait until August before this can possibly change (and I pray that when August does arrive, this will change).  I'm frustrated I can't tithe.  I'm frustrated I will most likely have to pull out of volunteering at church camp for a week because I can't afford a week out of work.  I'm just so frustrated.

I can't sleep.

This is all a part of my journey.... I know, I know.  I just need to vent.  I know in the long run this will help me -- it will help me learn the hard lessons early in life so I don't have to learn them later in life when the stakes are even higher.  I know I'm learning.  I know I'm growing.  I just want a reprieve. I want to be able to float, and not have to tread water.

And now I feel guilty for even complaining/venting.  I mean, I have so much more than so many people.  I have a family who is helping me so much -- I literally would be drowning without them.  I don't want to sound ungrateful.  I just need a night of crying (achieved) and throwing myself a pity party and let my strength crack (achieved) just for tonight so that I can keep being strong tomorrow (must achieve).

This is a recipie that Dad makes and I love.  I asked him for it because I'm craving some!  Looks like this is what I'll be working on tomorrow and eating off of this week... :)

 First, bring 2 cups of water to boil and then add one cup of raw rice. Reduce heat to low and simmer for 20-25 minutes. Meanwhile, saute 1 diced onion and 1 diced green pepper in about a half stick of butter until tender. When the rice gets done, combine the rice, sauteed veggies, one large can of white chicken, and one can cream of chicken soup. If it's too thick, you can dilute the mixture with some milk until it reaches the thickness desired. Season with salt and pepper, garlic, parsley and whatever else you like. Pour mixture into a greased casserole dish and top with sharp cheddar cheese. Bake at 350 degrees for 30 to 45 minutes or until the cheese is browned. You could also add frozen green peas to the mixture if desired.

Well I am done with clinicals!  I am finally back home.  And graduation is just days away.  And in the midst of all this excitement, I've got the boards lurking behind every corner.

Oh those boards... Let me tell you about this process.

First, you have to complete an accredited program.
Then you have to fill out and mail in an application (with a passport photo and notarized section) with a certified check for $150.
Then you have to get two character references to fill out a form and mail in on their own.
Then you have to get the school to send in verification that you did indeed complete the program.
THEN you have to wait for the board to send you a registration number.
Only then can you go online and register to actually take the test at a specific site, with a small $370 fee.
Then when you show up to take the boards, you have to bring $55.60 to pay the site to take the test.
Then you have to wait a couple of weeks for the results to be published -- and you better pray you passed, cause otherwise you'll have to wait another 4 months to go through all this again.
And if you passed, you then have to pay for your employer to look up and verify that you got licensed.
Then you have to pay to get a copy of your license.

This is what I'm looking at :)  Happy Studying! Hahahaha.

The process is ridiculous.  But I suppose it's good -- it helps keep out those who aren't worthy of the position.  And I'm very blessed, my family is providing a great amount of financial help for all of this as my graduation gift, and for that I am so grateful!!

But holy moly do I have some studying to do... I did a practice test and I have a serious amount of review I need to do... Bring on the study strategies!

No one is perfect.  And I can't demand perfection from someone.  But sometimes, I wish that I could magically snap my fingers and the one character flaw that a person has disappears.  Whether it be a short temper, being out of touch with reality, being spiteful, being bitter, or being addicted to something (drugs, alcohol, pornography)...  So often I wish I could fix it for a person.  But I can't.  All I can do is encourage, be patient, trust, and pray -- for those who are close to me, for those who aren't close to me.

I finally have a quiet moment alone and away from work.  It's colder tonight than it's been in a while, so it's nice to curl up on the couch under a blanket with my trusty 'journal' (blog) on my lap.  Time for some reflection... I think to myself as I log on.

But now that I'm here, I feel at a bit of a loss for words on what I want to say.  And just exactly how I want to say it.

I feel the mark of God's handiwork in my life in more places than I ever have before.  And more often I'm struck with awe when I see just what amazing people and situations are in my life.

And yet, there's this one piece of my 'puzzle' that will not fit.  I look on the state of things with my Mother with so many emotions.

Anger that she lays blame elsewhere, anger that she doesn't show much interest in me.  Anger that she talks crap about me to my sister.  Anger that she hasn't made an effort.  Anger that she continues to put me in situations to try and control me.  Anger that she doesn't respect who I am as a person.  Anger that she doesn't try to put herself in my shoes.

Frustration that our relationship will not progress.  Frustration that she continues to have such a hold on my emotions.

Sadness.  Great, incredible sadness.  Sadness that she isn't involved in my life.  Sadness that she can't look past things I did when I was much younger and appreciate the person I've grown to be.  Sadness that I don't have a mother in my life.  Sadness that she has alienated herself from everyone and that she is truly alone.  Sadness that her life has turned out the way it has.  Sadness that she isn't happy.  Sadness that she is so bitter.  Sadness that she sees her family as enemies.  Sadness that she can't open her arms in humbleness.  Sadness that every conversation we have turns into a guilt trip against me.  Sadness that she holds onto grudges.

I wish I knew how to make it right.
I wish I knew what to say, or what to do.

But I so feel like I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't.  I want her there, but to have her there leads to guilt trips, negativity, tension, empty conversations.

I love her.  She's my Mom.  But I feel like she uses it against me so often.  I feel like I can't even trust my own Mother.

I want to shake her.  I want her to wake up.  I want her to be my Mom, a woman who is involved in my life, who is supportive, who cares, who knows where the lines are and doesn't cross them.

I want to heal from the wounds.
I want her to heal from the wounds.

I feel like I'm missing out on so much, not having a good mother-daughter relationship.

But I can't fix it alone.

I know she's hurting.  And I don't enjoy knowing that my request has hurt her.  But I need to start slowly with her, and she doesn't see that.  She sees that she isn't being included in something that others are.  I wish it would help wake her up, but I know it's only causing her to become more and more bitter towards me.  I just wish it weren't.

Making the Most of What I'm Given

I'm in my fourth week of clinicals at the hospital, and although I'm still not in love with the site, the time is passing quickly and staying with Daniel is really helping the time fly.  And although staying with Daniel has cut my commute in half, my commute still takes 45-55mins each way.

For the past week, I've tried a new morning commute routine: spending it in reflection, prayer, and worship.  And what a difference it has made! It has helped shape my attitudes more positively, keep me more focused (which helped me save at least one patient from serious harm), and enjoy my time at a site which I really don't love.  One thing I've learned from this clinical -- your attitude is everything.

I've truly come to enjoy my quiet time.  My daily devotional.

I loveeeeeeeeeeee not craving or feeling satisfied from candy!! Seriously, I love it.

Know what I love more? Craving fresh vegetables, water, and protein.

Wild.

Maybe I really can stick to and make some changes!

SMART goals

There are good goals, and there are bad goals.  How you set your goals can make all the difference between acheiving those goals and never getting near said goals.  Good goals should be S.M.A.R.T.:

1.  Specific
2. Measurable
3. Action-Oriented and Attainable
4. Realistic
5. Time-Oriented

This is a lesson I learned in college.  But lately, I haven't been putting my own knowledge to use.  So I need to set some SMART goals.

- I weigh 168 pounds today, and I'd like to weigh 156 pounds by graduation (May 12).  That's a difference of 12 pounds in five weeks.

- I have registered to run a 5K May 5th. I would like to be able to continuously run at least 2 miles before needing a break in order to prepare for this 5K.  I'd like to achieve this goal in two weeks--April 18th--by completing daily workouts/training.

I think that'll be enough for now.

What a fantastic weekend...  Daniel and I were able to get out of dodge for a few days and make a *very* long 8 hour drive to visit with my Dad and my Sister in the lovely Clemson area.  We had an absolute blast. We were able to see Clemson defeat #7 Miami in baseball (and get quite sunburned in the process!), hike to and enjoy three different waterfalls in the area (pictures below), enjoy a rousing and very competitive round of putt putt golf at a local state park (by far the simplest in appearance but the most amazing putting course!!), some Yahtzee, a tonnnnn of amazing food and spirits, and soooo much laughter and good times.  I swear, this was such an amazing visit. 

Daniel, myself, and Meghan

Awww I love this pic of us!!

Meghan, Dad, myself, and Daniel enjoying

Issaqueena Falls, SC

I was so sad to see the weekend come to an end and have to say goodbye...

It's Been a While, Hasn't it?

Tonight is pretty much the first time I've had internet for personal use in about a month.  I have to say -- it's been kind of nice not having regular internet access.  Instead of being "hooked" on it and "needing" to check some site or another, I've lived free and clear -- enjoying time and interest in real-life activities such as running or crafting or cleaning. (yes, cleaning was just listed as a positive experience and activity)

So where am I now, one month later?

To begin with, moving weekend was chaotic.  Without the help of Dad, Aunt Genny, and Daniel--it would never have been completed.  I was so thankful that they were able to help me...  My box springs was unable to fit up the stairs, so I'm now sleeping on plywood on my bed frame (which works just fine, by the way).  And to be honest, that situation was so draining that I can't possibly do it justice almost a month later... Just suffice it to say that moving day was a straight up cluster fuck.

The first of two clinicals this semester came to an end at the beginning of this week...  I was heartbroken to leave.  I so enjoyed the experience, the patients, the staff, the work.  That clinical alone made me fall in love with what will be my career.  When you pick a career, it's often because you find it an attractive career and you think you'll enjoy it.  But until you actually get your hands dirty are you able to really see if you're cut out for it.  And by golly I love it!

The second of the two clinicals for this semester began on Wednesday.  I'm still deciding what I think about the facility, the attitudes, the organization, etc.  Today was the first day that I felt engaged at all, and that was largely due to the fact that I just stepped in and started treating patients -- I believe much to the surprise of my clinical instructor who didn't tell me to do so.  I even got her to let me start learning their electronic health record system.  So we'll see.  Wednesday and Thursday I was miserable.  But today was different, so maybe it'll be okay?

My second clinical is located 1.5 hours away from my home, so I attempted to find more local housing for the clinical period.  My sources were unsuccessful, so I'm currently staying with Daniel.  He was generous enough to allow me to stay with him, and the first three days were fine, with the exception of last night/this morning... We didn't have a fight, but I pointed out something he does that hurts me, and well now we're in that awkward stage of a relationship where you're not mad, but things aren't all peachy king.  Just the first of many of these situations, I'm sure.

Tuesday I took my car into the mechanic to just get a check up on it.  Turns out -- over $2,000 worth of very serious, very unsafe issues were brought to my attention.  The value of the car pretty much.  But as I'm unable to afford a different vehicle on my crappy income and even crappier credit, fix it I will!  So after scraping and scrimping and some very understanding people who largely affect my circumstances, Fabio will be taken in for 1/3 of the repairs.  It's a start.  I have no idea how I'm going to get the rest of the repairs done, but I know that God will provide and He will make sure I'm okay.

I have applied for graduation and am looking forward to being done with school in just over a month.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is pretty much what's new with me since I last blogged.  Please keep me in your prayers for safe travel and a clear head as I try to finish my last clinical assignment.  This was a very "newsy" blog that didn't really have much direction, but I felt it necessary for everyone to understand where I am and what's going on for future context... :)

Piles.

The week of moving.  Its a time that any person dreads -- the packing, the sorting, the finding of stuff.  They are sorted into piles -- keep, give, trash.  Then those piles are sorted into piles -- storage vs active use.  Then those piles are sorted into more piles -- kitchen, bathroom, closet, bedroom, living room, outdoor, laundry room, craft room.  Endless piles.

Then you are surrounded by so many piles of your stuff that you get frustrated.  You get disgusted with the amount of stuff that you have.  And you begin purging.

"I haven't used that in years."
"I've had this for five years.  It's time for it to go."
"I can't stand that lamp."
"I just simply have too many pants" (and then proceed to purge 7 pairs just to be able to lighten my closet)
"I don't feel like dealing with this"

And even then, you still feel like you have too much stuff.  And all you want to do is throw it all away and start over.  And then you wonder if you're an undiagnosed hoarder.

And then... "How in the world am I going to move all this crap?!"

Piles. I hate piles. I hate mess.
This too shall pass...

Goodbye Classroom

When you spend a year of your life re-organizing your priorities, putting one specific activity above everything else, that activity becomes a part of the definition of who you are.  When you spend countless hours trying to digest all of the information disseminated to you in time for the test and with enough depth for it to stick and translate throughout the curriculum, it becomes a part of your "normal routine."  When you spend everyday with the same 13 people for a year, inside the same four walls at the same tables in the same chairs suffering through the same fight, they become more than just classmates.  They become an extended family (we spent more time together than we did with our families anyway) -- you love them, you hate them, you help them, you snap at them, you laugh with them, you cry with them, you heal with them, you complain with them, you encourage each other, you get by and you get through.

And then, all of a sudden, your time together is up.  Time to move on to the next task.  Time to put what we've "learned" in the classroom to the test (thank goodness for a miniature library of physical therapy books and notes to which I can run to when I need to) and venture out to clinical assignments.

It's surreal.  It's not real to me yet.  I've teared up.  But realizing that I won't wake up tomorrow, drag on some sweats, grab my backpack and head to class -- it's unfathomable right now.  Tomorrow (day 1 of the clinical) will be a shocker to me.  Ice cold water to my face.  No more routine for us!

And the comfort that we've built with each other (beginning on day one with palpating each others pubic symphyses -- I kid you not!) has been ripped from us, just as we were thrown into it. 10 months (exactly!) together...

Unreal.  Just absolutely unreal.  Did I really make it?  Is it really already time for these clinicals?  Is graduation really so close???

Congrats to my classmates... We've lived through this together, which means we can do anything. :)  Good luck to everyone on their clinicals, and I can't wait to see y'all for the Board Review and share stories of what we've seen and done :)

I don't know what it is about cold rainy days, but I love them.  I love curling up on the couch under a light blanket -- especially if I've got the Mister to cuddle up to.  I love the heaviness of my eyelids, the slowed heart rate, the trance-like sound of the rain drops falling on the roof, the porch, the windows... It makes me want to get lost in a Jane Austen book or movie, quilt or crochet, cook, or drink a cup of hot apple cider.

Rainy days get me into an introspective and reflective mood.  Considering where I am in my life, where I'm going, what I want to do, things I want to accomplish.  I am not a person content to be stagnant with life -- there is always something more to seek, find, experience, and learn.  A lifetime of learning.  A forever student (although I am quite ready for this stint of formal education to be over, to make way for normalcy, and to allow for the extra-curricular learning such as quilting groups, exercise classes, etc to commence).  Life is too short to settle for less than what you want or what you work for.


Soon I will be transitioning from one abode to another.  A change I am excited about and ready for.  Just another reminder that life is always changing.

New Ideas

So Pinterest has struck me again -- encouraging creativity, uniqueness, self-exploration, and actively pursuing happiness, a human and American right.

Suggestion #1:  Create a list of personal commandments.

This seems to originate from the book The Happiness Project.  I haven't read this book, so I feel like I need to read it before I can understand this concept as its intended.  So Suggestion #1 turns into a goal... Read The Happiness Project.

Suggestion #2:  Make a Bucket List

Populated by the movie, this seems to be a recurring theme of my generation.  And I'll be frank: I don't have one.  And I do think that having goals and wishes and dreams helps to keep a person motivated and energized off life.  So maybe this is something I should explore...  So Suggestion #2 turns into a goal... Watch The Bucket-List.

The Sandbox Strikes Again

Last night, Daniel and I were talking and the Sandbox came up again (although admittedly, I was the one that inadvertently brought it up).  It was said in passing, but turned into a whole conversation.

"And that scares the hell out of you," he observed.

I sighed.  And I explained to him that my concerns were not so much of the physical harm (I have confidence that this wouldn't be the biggest issue as he'd be working logistics instead of the frontline or a combat role), but rather of the emotional and relationship harm.  I explained to him that he has hermit tendencies and that my fear is that it would end up with a ghosting situation.  I explained to him that I've been in that situation before and I don't ever want to be there again.

"I'm not saying I would do that, and I'm not saying I wouldn't do that," was the essence of his response.  And my heart sighed -- when presented with an opportunity to comfort and reassure me, he didn't.  Which leads me to think that ghosting would be a very real possibility if he were to go.

He reminded me that this is a last resort option, and I said "You might say that, but this has come up several times since we've started dating.  And that leads me to believe that this isn't as remote of an idea as you're trying to make it out to be.  That it's a very real option for you and that it's actually something you want to do."  His response? "Yeah..."

I'm getting more and more frustrated with the situation.  I'm beginning to wonder if this option is appealing to him not only for the money, but for "getting away" -- escaping from his over-bearing mother, the job he hates. Is he also wanting to escape from me, from our relationship?  Is the relationship becoming too serious and he doesn't know how to handle it?

I'm beginning to believe that our "Valentines Celebration" weekend will not be all rainbows and unicorns -- but instead will consist of some serious conversation.  But then again, if he's not actively pursuing it, perhaps I should just let it lie...  Yeah... I should just let it lie and pray it doesn't happen. (Yeah, right.  It's probably gonna happen).  But y'all know me -- I have to confront a situation.  It's both my best and worst attribute.  Perhaps I should seek counsel from one (or two) of my military girls....

"I'm just considering it..."

"So how would you feel about me going to The Sandbox?" is not the way to bring a conversation to a quick close when you've said multiple times "I really need to get to bed."

Just mentioning the possibility of going to the sandbox (i.e.--Afghanistan as a civilian contractor) had me in tears. Yes, I understand the money is good.  And therefore I understand why it appeals to him -- he feels he can get his life back on track financially and will be able to afford and put down a huge down payment on a house.  I get it.  And mentioning that 'certain events that start with a W are expensive' and 'this way I could easily get a certain piece of jewelry' does not sweeten the deal for me.

But while he sees dollar signs, I see 12 months of him not being here.  I see his hermit tendencies taking over and the contact becoming less and less.  I see a year of growing as individuals, but will we grow together as a couple?

Then you get worst case scenario fears.... You think about the stories your friends have told you about being over there: the rampant cheating on loved ones (one story even included a girl getting pregnant by a guy whose wife was on the same F.O.B.!), the PTSD, the 'ghosting' of the military on their girlfriends at home.

I believe there is something very honorable about serving your country, about sacrificing time out of your life for something bigger than yourself.  I'm very proud to say that I'm with a man who has already done that; serving for one tour of Iraq in the height of its activity.  I'm very proud to say that although he is not an active Marine, he was and will forever be a Marine.  And the fact that he isn't active anymore was very appealing to me -- we could have a relationship without fear of him deploying or fear of him getting sent to another base.  He was out of the military, establishing himself as a civilian in mentality and in the workforce.

And now he's reverting back to considering voluntarily going to the Middle East.  For a year.

Change in Expectations, Change in Missions.

It never fails with me--my assumptions and plans are often altered by forces out of my control.  This particular change has been in the books for about a week now.  But I needed a lot more time than usual to allow myself to settle.  Because it's not a welcome change.

As a bit of a background/history, in my school program, we are required to go on four clinicals throughout the curriculum.  In the last semester, there are two clinicals back to back: a 4 week long clinical and a 6 week long clinical.  For my previous two clinicals I had to travel no less than 45 minutes one way, so I assumed that my last two clinicals would be more local.  Not to mention I'd spoken with the professor who makes the assignments and let her know that I need a local assignment because I have to work no less than 20 hours a week because I support myself.

Well, for the six week long clinical, I was assigned to and given no option out of a clinical 2 hours away from where I reside.  Her logic?  My boyfriend lives only 45 minutes from the site, which is a reasonable commute to her.

Now there are a couple of points in this whole situation that really get under my skin.

1.  She completely disregarded my need to work to support myself, saying I can work on the weekends and on spring break (mind you, I might be able to get 10 hours max on the weekends, and 20 on spring break.  But this doesn't take into account driving back to New Bern on the weekends to work, driving back to Greenville to the boyfriends, then driving to Tarboro everyday!  She essentially wants me to be sleepless and miserable it seems)

2.  My ability to have a say in what clinicals I am assigned was taken away from me.

3.  She is essentially forcing Daniel and I to live together for about a month and a half.  This is a very big decision for a couple to make, whether it be a temporary situation or a permanent situation.  This is a decision that should not be taken lightly, or rushed into.  It should be discussed, considered, weighed, thought out.  But my professor has robbed us of that choice.  We're being rushed into it.  And I really don't like that. It is not her place nor is it her right to assume that we can just co-habitate when I've never lived with a boyfriend before.  And it's not like Daniel and I have been dating for a couple of years.  We just reached the six month mark...

Of course, Daniel is being a champ like he always is and says that I'm more than welcome to stay with him.  But he feels the same way I do:  pissed off that this woman who he doesn't even know is cornering us into a decision we would have never considered beforehand.




Now that I've had a week to simmer down (and boy did I need simmering down!), I feel that I'm able to look at things just a bit more objectively (just a bit; still pissed).  So since I can't change the situation (and believe me I've tried), I'm trying to focus on the positives:

- The site is a great site, where I will have a wide variety of exposures and experiences.
-  Dad has also been a champ and has offered to pay for the gas and food portions of the bills, which cuts my need to work in half.
-  By being two hours away and not able to work during the week, I will be able to focus completely on my internship and not be stressed to get to work on time.  I'll be able to come home after work, relax, review, cook dinner, and get a good nights sleep.
-  This will be a big test of Daniel's and my relationship.  We're kind of getting to that crossroads in our relationship where if you continue the relationship, you're basically agreeing to the long term (and golden rings).  So since we've been kind of a long distance relationship (45 minute drive), this will give us the opportunity to really get to know each other and see if this is as good as we think it is.


I'm still madder than hell at this professor.  But I've been able to separate the irritation, compartmentalize it, and move on/function.

When I spoke to my friend Emily about this (who is oftentimes wiser than her years), she reminded me that God often puts us in these situations to teach us about being resourceful, responsible, and even forgiving.  There's always a lesson.  There's always a reason.  And I might need to be at this location for some greater reason.  This location may change my life in some way.

The point is, I need to give it to God and trust.  And that's what I'm doing.  My fire has calmed, and I'm accepting it.  Since I know my finances are going to be okay (Dad is such a blessing in my life), I can look at the situation and wonder -- what mission am I being sent on?

Quiet Time after a Day of Gratitude

It's late... Too late for me to be up, actually.  School started back today, and it's my last semester of PTA school.  It's pretty incredible and I'm pretty incredulous that the time has gone by so quickly, that so much has happened, that I'm already here.  And yet, so much more is coming, and it's coming at the same lightning speed that the past year has gone: moving (again), finals, clinicals x2, graduation, national board exam, full time job.  All in 7 months time.  Wow.

And as I sit here in my bed under my electric blanket on this chilly and drizzly night with Pandora's Chris Tomlin station playing quietly in the background, I'm able to just absorb.  Absorb what has come, what is to come.  The greatness of God who makes everything come right.  Who protects.  Who guides.  Who comforts.  Who provides.

And today was no exception in the evidence of God's supreme hand.

My last post alluded to just how tight and how tough my budget is right now.  I'm starting back at the bottom, trying to build myself up to prepare for whatever next blow will come (because as Dave Ramsey says, it's not if, it's when).  But today, I received such an unexpected blessing (then again, aren't all blessings unexpected?).  Sunday I was asked to walk a dog by one of my Dog Sitting clients while they went out of town for the day.  I never expected to get paid, and in fact, when I went to walk sweet Sport (the dog), there was no payment.  But I was so happy to see Sport and take him out, that I didn't think twice about it.  Today?  Sport's Mom contacts me and asks me to drop by.  And she hands me $30.  For walking her dog.  I nearly cried.  They are so generous and good to me, and this came at such the perfect time -- when I'm at such a cross-roads that $30 makes that much of a difference.  When I got in my car to leave quaint downtown, all I could do was whisper prayers of thanks, appreciation, and gratitude through my tears.

God Provides.

After class today, I had to work.  So there I am, working on shipment, trying to get the new merchandise prepped and ready to be put out on the floor for sale, when my phone beeps.  Normally, my phone is on silent when I'm at work, so I go to put it on silent and notice that it's a text from Daniel: "Well my car is going to be in the shop.  Just got in a wreck. Yay."  When I was able to speak to him, the story was remarkable to me.  Daniel had been driving in a manner not usual to him -- instead of driving very aggressively and zippy, he was driving slower, with an increased following distance between him and the car in front of him on his way home.  Suddenly, the car in front of him slams on their brakes.  He in turn slams on his brakes, and has no traction.  He can't steer out of it -- a car is in the turning lane.  He has no option but to brace.  And they wreck.  Minimal damage to her car.  $1,800 to his.  But no one was hurt.  The cars didn't have to be towed.  Had he been driving aggressively (as is his norm) on the wet road, this story would have ended much differently.  Again, I offered my quiet prayers and full heart to the Lord.

God Protects.

Like everyday, I was reminded of the power of the Almighty.  But today especially I was demonstrated his supreme power.  To intervene.  

And all I can say is Amen.

Rite of...Cheese??

You know, I think it's a bit of a rite of passage to reach that point in your life where you're trying to just squeak through.  You're working your ass off both in school and in a part time job to provide for your future and to provide for the bills.  And things are tough.  Really tough.  You have no social life. You can't afford one even if you had the time (which you don't).  And you get home one night and you're hungry, so you go into the kitchen to make a grilled cheese.  And the block of cheese is already 2/3 gone.  The block you bought a week and a half ago.  That has to last you another week.  And when it runs out, oh well -- no more grilled cheeses.  Because you can't afford the $2.37 to buy another block.  And that's when it hits you -- you've officially arrived and recognized that you're in that stage, that rite of passage, where you can't even afford cheese.  Where eating becomes less about taste and nutrition and more about getting you through.

But ya know, I gotta admit, I think I'm going to be proud of myself for not only having to go through that rite of passage, but for making it to the other side much better off.

Good choice!

So I had a moment today that was huge.  I am in the midst of getting back to my old, healthy habits (and doing so by counting my calories like I used to).  Well, I'm home and I'm sick and that just leads to bad choices with my food.  And I had a box of off brand cheese-sticks in my freezer.  So in a moment of weakness, I heat them up.  I bring them to the couch to enjoy, and I take a bite....  Hmm.... Not so satisfying.  Maybe the second one will be better?  ...Nope.  Begin the third, these are not worth these calories.  So I throw them away!!!  And I pick up an apple instead.  I was so freaking proud of myself.  And although I felt bad to waste food (particularly on my very strict budget of $50 for food), it kind of felt amazing at the same time to have analyzed my choices, and weighed whether or not it was really that good.  And although I did eat three, I didn't eat the rest.  I chose my health first today :)  Because I need to have calories for dinner! Yeahhhhhh buddy!

Goals Can be Made Any Day of the Year!

For the first time in a long time, my New Years Resolutions do NOT include lofty goals of weight loss or more exercise, mostly because I finally recognize that a goal like that can't be made on a whim, but rather by pure determination.  Every day is a new day and a new start!  Jan 1st is no more special than Jan 3rd, or March 12th or July 29th.  That goal can be made any day.  Any goal can be made any day.

That's why this year, I'm only choosing one thing at a time to conquer.  I'm not creating this long, overwhelming, insurmountable list of things I want to change.  Because those kinds of lists never get accomplished.  And I want to have this idea in my mind that I and anyone can change on any day they choose.  Whether its the first of the year, the first of a month, the first of the week, or freaking Wednesday at 3:27pm.

When my first goal has become a habit (budget! hehe), then I will select another goal to master.

"The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single, small step." (Ad libbed)

Challenge

Well, its the first day f the new year, and my main resolution, making and keeping to a budget, has already been challenged.  I received a letter frm the IRS saying I owed them almost the entire contents of my savings account. Due the 11th.  This knocks my savings down to about $95.  Sighhhhh.

Oh.  AND I start the new year SICK!  The fastest way to rack up some extra grocery shopping bills?  Getting sick.  I've already blown through two bottles of apple juice!  Thank the Lord I already had some NyQuill and DayQuill in stock or that would have been another $20 down the tubes.

But despite this, I am doing my damnedest to stay on budget.  There are a lot of online tools (Dave Ramsey, Mint.com, etc), but I really feel like I have more control if I do it myself the old fashioned way -- with pen and paper.  I'm also considering going to the Dave Ramsey method of cash envelopes per category.  Just going to try and get through January.  I hope that February will come easier.  But if it doesn't, I don't know what I'm going to do... Because people let me tell you: making minimum wage and going to school and sticking to a budget is TOUGH.