I finally have a quiet moment alone and away from work.  It's colder tonight than it's been in a while, so it's nice to curl up on the couch under a blanket with my trusty 'journal' (blog) on my lap.  Time for some reflection... I think to myself as I log on.

But now that I'm here, I feel at a bit of a loss for words on what I want to say.  And just exactly how I want to say it.

I feel the mark of God's handiwork in my life in more places than I ever have before.  And more often I'm struck with awe when I see just what amazing people and situations are in my life.

And yet, there's this one piece of my 'puzzle' that will not fit.  I look on the state of things with my Mother with so many emotions.

Anger that she lays blame elsewhere, anger that she doesn't show much interest in me.  Anger that she talks crap about me to my sister.  Anger that she hasn't made an effort.  Anger that she continues to put me in situations to try and control me.  Anger that she doesn't respect who I am as a person.  Anger that she doesn't try to put herself in my shoes.

Frustration that our relationship will not progress.  Frustration that she continues to have such a hold on my emotions.

Sadness.  Great, incredible sadness.  Sadness that she isn't involved in my life.  Sadness that she can't look past things I did when I was much younger and appreciate the person I've grown to be.  Sadness that I don't have a mother in my life.  Sadness that she has alienated herself from everyone and that she is truly alone.  Sadness that her life has turned out the way it has.  Sadness that she isn't happy.  Sadness that she is so bitter.  Sadness that she sees her family as enemies.  Sadness that she can't open her arms in humbleness.  Sadness that every conversation we have turns into a guilt trip against me.  Sadness that she holds onto grudges.

I wish I knew how to make it right.
I wish I knew what to say, or what to do.

But I so feel like I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't.  I want her there, but to have her there leads to guilt trips, negativity, tension, empty conversations.

I love her.  She's my Mom.  But I feel like she uses it against me so often.  I feel like I can't even trust my own Mother.

I want to shake her.  I want her to wake up.  I want her to be my Mom, a woman who is involved in my life, who is supportive, who cares, who knows where the lines are and doesn't cross them.

I want to heal from the wounds.
I want her to heal from the wounds.

I feel like I'm missing out on so much, not having a good mother-daughter relationship.

But I can't fix it alone.

I know she's hurting.  And I don't enjoy knowing that my request has hurt her.  But I need to start slowly with her, and she doesn't see that.  She sees that she isn't being included in something that others are.  I wish it would help wake her up, but I know it's only causing her to become more and more bitter towards me.  I just wish it weren't.