I was challenged the other week by my roommate to take advantage of a special offer by a very talented and lovely photographer to have some personal portraits done. 

And making that decision was so difficult for me. Because I am not in a place where I love what I look like. I'm at my heaviest weight ever and I am nothing except uncomfortable in every sense of the word. 

So to schedule a photo shoot has been quite a challenge for me. A challenge to step forward confidently and to find my place of peace with who I am. 

I can honestly say that these next couple of weeks will continue to be a struggle. But I'm looking forward to seeing what The Lord can do with my heart in this, and in seeing myself grow more confident. 

This weekend was quite a busy weekend and gave me a small taste of what to expect for wedding weekend... Although it wasn't my wedding weekend, it was my bridal shower weekend :)

My fabulous Maid of Honor hosted the shower and both of my bridesmaids were able to attend, as well as my mother and my future MIL.  We had a great turn out, and it was so nice to see all the ladies.

But for a girl who doesn't like to be the center of attention, this weekend was incredibly stressful.  I felt responsible to help with the production, preparation, and set up for the shower.  And as soon as people started showing up, I felt responsible for them having a good time and making sure that no one felt left out.  I was so nervous I didn't eat very much.

Then it was time for presents... By the time presents came around, it was already late and I didn't want to keep anyone too late.  And I didn't really know what to do or how to handle some things.  Do I show every single part of each gift? Do I read each card aloud?  I was dripping with sweat.  So embarrassing.

But despite the anxiety and nerves and stress, it was such a lovely time.  I was blessed with so many wonderful items and feel so much more prepared for setting up my first home. Which has me excited for that whole process :)




Daniel is going to begin moving into the guest house this week, starting with some of the non-essential items and going through clothes and being ruthless with his purging.  He's going to begin sorting items to put into storage.  And just the thought of selecting items to put into storage raises my anxiety.  But it has to be done.  I just won't put any of our beautiful new items into storage :-p

We have about two and a half months until we reach the BIG day, our wedding day.  People keep telling me to enjoy it.  I'm not really sure what you're supposed to enjoy?  I'm stressed about losing weight to fit into my dress again (thank you stress binge eating).  I'm stressed about nagging Daniel constantly to make the few decisions he needs to make (groomsmen outfits, honeymoon, rings, etc).  I'm stressed that we'll go over budget and start our relationship in the red.  But mostly I'm stressed because after the wedding, we have no plans.

We don't know where we're going to be living because Daniel wants a new job in a new location but hasn't put forth the work to find one.  He doesn't want to rent something else because he doesn't want to sign a year long lease when he thinks we'll be moving.  He doesn't want to buy a house for the same reasons.  This makes sense.  But we can't stay where he is now.  So we're going to be homeless??

All I want is a place of our own, that I can create a home for the two of us. That I can nest in, decorate, organize, and begin OUR life.

They say that you learn a lot about your spouse during the wedding planning process.
And I have learned that he is a logical person but a procrastinator.
And I am about up to my neck.

My "talking tos" are having no effect on him.  Nothing is lighting a fire underneath his ass.  And I'm about to lose it.  I feel like I lose it constantly with him.  Because he's not working on my time table.  Selfish.  Wrong.  Impatient.

I am really trying to learn to be patient with him. To trust him.  But this is not an easy task.

I know that it will work out (it has to).  But Blair does not do limbo well.