You are Beautiful

I wish with every fiber of my being that I could believe this.  That I am beautiful, worthy, and enough.

I'm working on this, but I'm not there yet (and definitely not there today).

It's a daily fight.  A daily struggle.
A momentary fight. A momentary struggle.

Contentment

"Content" has been placed on my heart heavily the last couple of weeks.  Mostly because I have found myself cycling into a very negative mind space, where I am very unhappy, unable to be satisfied, I'm selfish, petty, snappy, and impatient.

At the root of this emotional upheaval? Being in-content with my life.

I've gotten too caught up with "That's not fair," and "They owe me," and "I shouldn't have to."  I've gotten too caught up in the complaining, the gossiping, stirring the pot, and wallowing in my own unhappiness.... To which God says:

6 But godliness with contentment is great gain. 7 For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. 8 But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that. 9 Those who want to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into many foolish and harmful desires that plunge people into ruin and destruction. 10 For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs. -1 Timothy 6:6-10

I've cycled into unhealthy habits with food and soda.

“Why do you [a]spend money for what is not bread,And your wages for what does not satisfy?Listen carefully to Me, and eat what is good,And delight yourself in abundance.-Isaiah 55:2

I should be eating what is good! Not what is poison, addiction, emotion, uncontrolled, and empty.


I've cycled into worse body image issues, self confidence issues, and increased insecurities, leading me into that vicious mental cycle I've blogged about before... To which God says:

1 

Praise the Lord, my soul;    all my inmost being, praise his holy name.2 Praise the Lord, my soul,    and forget not all his benefits—3 who forgives all your sins    and heals all your diseases,4 who redeems your life from the pit    and crowns you with love and compassion,5 who satisfies your desires with good things    so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.- Psalms 103:1-5

All because I can't find joy and happiness in what I have and in who I am, I am being blocked from this love and peace that God is offering me.  I am letting this world stand in my way.  I am letting myself stand in my way.

I must remember this from Hebrews 13:5-6:

5 Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said,“Never will I leave you;    never will I forsake you.”[a]6 So we say with confidence,“The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid.    What can mere mortals do to me?"

Serving while Working

One of the struggles that I face and deal with on a nearly daily basis is the fine line of what I can and can't say at work in regards to my faith.  At work, there is the required tolerance policy, that states that we are not to alter our care for patients based on nationality, religion, diagnosis, or criminal behavior.  Which means I have to be very careful with what I say, how I say it, and to whom I say it to.

"Serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord, not people, because you know that the Lord will reward each one for whatever good they do, whether they are slave or free."
- Ephesians 6:7-8

This verse encourages me on the rough days at work... That despite the frustrations and challenges, as long as I serve wholeheartedly and serve with the knowledge that God is my supreme supervisor, I am working on the right sides of the tracks.

It's easy at work to get wrapped up in the politics and the favoritism and "the grind," but this reminds me to think bigger than my office/hospital.  That the actions I commit are observed by a bigger being, and that they do count -- even if unseen by this world.

I am only a PTA.  But I may be the only person that a patient sees that day that treats them with kindness, respect, love, attention, and care.  Their other care givers may not give them quality time/attention/respect, and may be in a foul/rushed mood.  Though I may not directly speak to my patients about the grace of God and the overwhelming acceptance he has for each of them, I have to firmly believe that my spirit shines his light.

And when I get into that rushed/foul mood (I am human and it happens more frequently than I like), a heartfelt prayer (even if a brief one) is all that's needed to rectify my own issues so that I can put others first.

My job is challenging.  It's physical labor that leaves me sweating, with messy hair, and often without makeup by the end of the day.  But I find such fulfillment and joy with the work that I do.  Even when patients don't make huge physical improvements, they almost always make mood improvements -- something I almost put at a higher priority in a hospital setting.

Of course, now that I've written this blog post, I can only imagine that tomorrow God will challenge my opinions/faith...