Getting Off the Crazy Train

Big deep breath. BIG deep breath. I've been intentionally absent from my blog over the past season. Too much was happening. I was too emotional. I was feeling too many strong, passionate, furious things all at the same time and despite everything I was feeling, I felt a strong need to protect everyones privacy. Even though I felt as though my own individuality, rights, and heart had been violated by so many, I needed that time to process. I needed to insulate myself. And I did.

For the past three months, my life has been turned upside down. I feel like I've been living in a whirly gig. Everything has changed, yet has still stayed the same.  I couldn't possibly be more cryptic, could I? Yet it's impossible for me to fully explain. And for the sake of those involved, I can't fully explain. Which doesn't help you at all.  Sorry.

Just suffice it to say that nearly everyone who I hold closest has hurt me or caused me great concern/worry in different but very deep ways in the last few months. I've been put through the emotional wringer this summer.

And as per usual, I have put everyone else before me during this season.  I think it was the appropriate choice at the time. But now that I'm finally coming up for air, I'm realizing just how much I've lost myself in the process. I'm realizing how my relationship with God has suffered (although he was often my only friend, ally, and support system). I'm realizing just how little I have been doing for myself and how little I have been prioritizing my own health and well being.

But waking up from such a coma this past week has been really nice.  My only outlet was to work on a Harry Potter afghan, which I finished this weekend! And finishing that project has inspired me to do more with my life.

I stepped out in faith and joined an online bible study through Proverbs 31 Ministries.  We're going to read Lysa Terkhurst's new book Uninvited: Living Loved When You Feel Less Than, Left Out, and Lonely. Can we say APPROPRIATE?! FATE?! PERFECT?! We just started today, so I'm looking forward to how this will help me heal from this season.  I've also been pleasantly surprised with the ladies in the group and how wonderful they've been just in the introduction phase. :)

With the encouragement from a fellow Harry Potter enthusiast from the OBS group, I have also decided to finally start participating in the Harry Potter Running Club.  So I joined their facebook pages today and am looking forward to completing my first "race" this month!

And of course, I've re-dedicated myself to the gym after a two week "break" while I healed from an infected cyst in my arm pit (not a comfortable place that allows for continued workouts, by the way).

Last but not least, I have finally signed up for a beginners quilting course that will begin next week. A six week long course that will hopefully improve my confidence, widen my social horizons, and provide me with some useful quilting skills for future projects (whatever they may be).

So with these few things, I'm feeling better. I'm feeling hopeful. I'm feeling positive.  And that is a really really nice change from the last few months.

Suck it Up and Take the Job

I like to live. To See. To Do. To Explore. To Experience. To travel. I like to have nice things (note: not outlandish or super expensive), a peaceful home, a haven. I like to give to others, to make those I love know that I treasure them - whether that be by surprising them with a gift or picking up their tab from time to time or going out of my way to see them/spend time with them.

I work dang hard for these things. I skimp and save and work extra shifts and work extra jobs. I work extremely hard so that later I can relax, take some time off, or enjoy something that I was able to attain because of my hard work. I do not work glamorous jobs. I am not on track to be a millionaire or a CEO (no thank you!). But I make my life work, I make my ends meet, and I enjoy more financial freedom at my age than most (thank you Dave Ramsey!).

Discipline. Work Ethic. Determination. Goal setting. Budgets. Faith. They all work together.

I live a simple life. But I make the most of it.

And I get so ill when people my age (or older than me) decide to whine about their station. That instead of hustling and taking whatever jobs they can find, they decide those jobs are "beneath" them and there's "something better" and "they'll pass" and "wait for something better." Well folks, I'm just going to say it. If you ain't got a job, ANY job is better than what you got. You can build on that "lowly" job. You can advance and grow from that "lowly" job. That "lowly" job may assist you in networking with other professionals and open doors that you can't find on a job posting website. That "lowly" job will provide you with more income and dignity and self-respect than no job ever can.

I want to shake my peers who don't get this. Bills don't stop. Demands don't stop. You need that job. Whether you like it or not.

And while you're working that "lowly" job, here's an idea: BETTER YOURSELF WHILE YOU'RE WORKING. Take training classes that will help train you and help open doors for jobs you dream of. Scrimp and save and live simply. Be content with being broke -- because being broke forces you to learn how to live responsibly, in your means, to prioritize, to make choices, to work harder, to appreciate things more.

But above all -- quit whining. No one cares or feels sorry for you. Life happens. Sometimes you do it to yourself. Sometimes it's unfair. But guess what? We all have situations like that. We all have to deal with it. We all have to put on our big girl panties, deal with it, and move on.

So put in the application. Take a deep breath. We don't look down on you for doing what you have to do. In fact, I admire that.

Too Much Knowledge

Despite the fact that I have a four year degree in exercise (Health Fitness Specialist), and am currently a Certified Personal Trainer (although admittedly I'm considering letting that certification lapse as I really don't have much interest in the field on a professional level -- which is crazy considering my educational background, but at this stage of my life, it's the truth), approaching designing a workout program for someone extremely overweight (i.e. myself) has me completely befuddled.

I have four years and a Bachelor degree (with honors!) for this specific situation.
I have a nationally recognized certification for this specific situation.
I worked for four years training people in this same situation.
I have continued (in that time) to grow my exposure and knowledge for this same situation.

Yet I am completely at a loss of where to begin.

Perhaps too much information can be a problem.  I was educated along one school of thought (calories, steady state, cardio cardio cardio, isolated movements) for fitness/weight loss.  Yet my professional experience was in a completely different school of thought (hormones, HIIT, multi-muscle/compound movements).  I sit with a pad and pencil to "design" a workout plan for myself this week and I don't even know how to organize it.  I don't know what exercises to put down.

I should know how to do this.  But I don't know which school of thought is right, or right for me.
And I simply refuse to hire a personal trainer to tell me what I should already know.

So I'm confused and stubborn.

The Root of it All is Stress

2016 began with a multitude of changes and a myriad of goals.  I'm proud to say that all the changes have been positive changes, and that I'm making slow but steady progress towards my goals. I haven't lost sight of my goals for this year like I have in previous years...

But part of my new employment is having to complete a certification course for the field.  We started the course on Thursday and it runs through Friday.  We learn a lot about liability, responsibility, and equipment.  But they also touched on the emotional stress that my job can cause, and how to deal with said stress in healthy ways.  In discussing stress, they educated us about the different stages of a stress response... First you have the Action stage where a fight/flight response occurs and multiple hormones (adrenaline and cortisol most importantly) are released to provide your body with enough energy to handle whatever stress/crises you find yourself faced with.  Then comes the Restoration phase, where the hormones subside and your body returns to it's homeostasis.  However, if you never get to the Restoration phase and your body is never allowed to recover, you enter the exhaustion stage.  Where stress hormones remain in high amounts that result in multiple physical and mental side effects.

These side effects include:
-Depression
-Anxiety
-Moodiness/Angry Outbursts
-Overeating
-Weight gain
-Fatigue/Lack of Interest in daily life
-Inability to get motivated
-Difficulty in losing weight


Holy freaking crap.  So that's what's wrong with me!!  In my previous job, I lived on such stress that I was never able to recover... My stress hormones literally created the weight.  And my inability to recognize/deal with this made sure that weight stayed.

It's crazy to me that for someone so educated who has been told time and time again that cortisol is akin to the devil never connected the dots in her own life.

I can finally understand why I am the way that I am right now.  My previous job got me so stressed out that I literally developed ALL of those!  And now that I'm in a much better employment situation, I'm suffering from the leftover effects... I developed depression and anxiety at my previous job, and now that's affecting my ability to feel confident in my new job, which is in turn creating more anxiety and depression.  With anxiety and depression comes continued hormone imbalance and continued difficulty in managing my weight.

Now that I finally understand my lack of progress and it's source, I actually feel kinder to myself.  I actually treat myself with a little bit more understanding and grace.  I'm actually breathing just a little bit easier.  Because I understand that my perception of the world is not the reality, but rather the world as viewed through anxiety/depressed lenses.

I literally had an epiphany about stress in this very poorly constructed training.

I don't feel like my anxiety/depression is as out of control as it was six months ago.  HOWEVER, knowing that it's still affecting my life and my world, perhaps it's time to continue seeking treatment to reduce it's influence.

Lack of Progress

It's been a little over a month since we joined the local gym and since I've been pretty serious about my workout game.  I've gotten a heck of a lot stronger and more confident inside the gym.  I'm lifting heavier weights.  But the scale hasn't moved.  Nor has my body fat percentage.  Le sigh.

I know. It takes time.  Blah blah blah.

But enough!
I can't even wear my wedding rings because I'm so bloated/swollen/overweight.

So I'm going to push on with my workouts.  But since that hasn't been enough to elicit change, it's time to focus on nutrition.  No more simple carbs.  No more soda. Time for more protein.  More vegetables.  Time to do what I know how to do but haven't been dedicated enough to do since before Granddaddy died.

Being married to a member of law enforcement is difficult.  It was hard before I worked with the same agency.  I almost feel like it's harder now that we work with the same agency.  Not so much because I hear the radio and all the sordid details about what happens in a night.  Oddly that doesn't effect me -- I know that he is well trained and that my worry really won't change anything except to distract him from his job.  What affects me is how little we see each other.  We've been on opposite shifts (I've been days, he's been nights), which means extremely limited time together.  And this just tends to build and build.  I'm a hold-it-in-until-I-explode kind of person.

He's just recently taken on additional responsibilities/roles in the agency.  Which means that he has training on his off days which I found out today lasts 10 hours.  Even less time together. While I completely support him and am happy for him that he is pushing his career further and better, I struggle with this too.  I have literally sacrificed my own career and my own professional dreams for him; because this county is where he has always lived and where his entire family lives and I want my kids to be raised with so much family near by.

What time he does have at home, he spends completely shut up -- head phones in and eyes glued to his computer screen.  He's watching his nerdy youtube videos about war history and war video games.  He's writing in his forums/war gaming.  Hours upon hours upon hours on his computer in his recliner. Breaks only for the bathroom or food.

I get that's how he decompresses.  I remind myself of that over and over.  But I get so frustrated.  There is so much to do.  I spend my days off running around the house like a chicken with its head cut off just trying to keep the chores moderated.  I get resentful.  That I work the exact same schedule yet have more responsibility on my head at home.  I withdraw.  I turn cold.

I've created the misery that I'm in.  Yes, the career change has been a positive one for me.  I love the job.  But it's a dead end job.  It's not professional.  I've put my husband before me more times than I can count -- why does that feel so wrong sometimes?? Why do I struggle with this??  Why am I unable to be satisfied or happy or whatever?

Worth Crisis

I have spent 6.5 years in higher education. I have obtained a Bachelors Degree with honors, and a professional degree with honors. I have been specially trained to work in a professional field that is respected by the world for the work it does for its patients (Physical Therapy). I am driven. I am organized. I am a natural level headed/kind/hardworking leader. I have a need to work. I am well spoken. Well read. I spell words correctly. I have been built up by family and friends and professors alike for greatness.

And yet I am not working in my field. I am not a professional. I am not a leader in my workplace. I am not respected or loved in my workplace (understand that I am too new for that). I am not using my education or my potential in this job. I am not great - I am mediocre.  I was trained for a professional occupation and yet I am a glorified secretary. I feel like a disappointment.

And yet I love the job. I love the work. I love the hours. I love the schedule.

I struggle with my identity due to these conflicting emotions.
I struggle with wondering if I am enough. I struggle to remember that my identity is not in what I do but in whose I am (Gods).

The Hard Truth About His Calling

How many times have I heard the phrase "Those that you love the most will hurt you the most"? Too many times to count... And oh how many times we have each been hurt by those we love.  Hurt in little ways, in the attention paid to things and not us.  In the small comments made after the first bite of the dinner you worked so hard to prepare for them, by yourself.  In their eyes as you struggle.  In the words that are said out of reaction and meanness after you have tried so hard to express your differing opinion and belief with kindness and understanding.  Hurt in the big ways.  Threats of with-holding relationship because of your differing opinion and belief.  Accusations because you don't immediately give them exactly what they want.  Name calling because you do things differently.

Sounds toxic, doesn't it?
In so many ways, it is.
And yet, I am literally "stuck" with this person for life.  Because in my case, they are family.  A family member that is immediate.

I hate to admit it, but I am so grateful on so many occasions that we live so physically far apart.  That separation is what saves me, us, our relationship.  That ability to not have to see them every week is grace.  The ability to not answer the phone because you're "at the gym" or "at work" or "with friends."  Many times excuses, but simultaneously grace.  The fact that communication has shifted primarily to text messages (as that is the mode of communication for the generation) is also grace -- it allows me to think before I respond, to not be rash, and to respond in the kindest, gentlest words possible while maintaining the essence of my beliefs/opinions.

I hate that this is the state of the relationship. Hate it. I wish I could snap my fingers and all the wounds be healed, their pain and fear from their life (which is what's truly the backlash against me; they has the life they never wanted and I was able to avoid it and "get the happy ending") would be fixed and removed, and that I could open their eyes to the possibilities of this world.

Although I hate the state of the relationship, this is how it has to be.  This emotional distance.  This relational separation.  Because when I close that distance and absolve that separation, toxicity seeps into my life.  Negativity abounds.  There is no respect or understanding or grace for my emotions, yet it is demanded of theirs.  Demand -- that is truly what happens when I close the distance/separation, I am bombarded with demands. Do this. Think this. Feel this. Give me this. Accept this.  It's too much.  I can't handle it.  I won't be bullied or told what to do/think/feel/give/accept.  I just won't.  And when I close the distance and the demands pour in, it pushes me away and my walls come up, and once again we are at a distance.

I hate that so many of my generation act this way -- demanding as if everyone around them owes them something.  This world owes nothing.  We owe the world.  We are not to have an attitude of demands but of grace, gratitude, and love.

There is no question of my love for them.  My concern for them.  My prayers over them.  My desire to see them succeed and overcome.

But sometimes, it seems that love/concern is not enough to overcome the hurts and the pains they cause you.  And this is what I struggle with.  I am called by my Heavenly Father to reach out to the least of the world, and in many ways, this particular person is the epitome of who I am supposed to reach.  I don't know how to break down their walls/attitudes.  I don't know how to love and encourage them into the truth.  I don't know how to put my own personal hurt aside for them after they are the one who has hurt me so.  I don't know how to not be so guarded or suspicious or doubtful of them after they have repeatedly exaggerated the truth to suit their needs.  I don't know how to not be disappointed in their choices, decisions, life path.

And the craziest part about all of this? I imagine that this is often how a parent feels. And I'm not even a parent.

What is Self Love?

What is self love?

This seems to be a concept that is growing ever present in this world of emotional awareness.  I don't really remember as a kid talking about self love. We just called it being confident.  But there seems to be a difference between the two when people talk about them.

I can't say that I understand either one.  At least, not in the way this world uses them.  I'm confident in my God and in his promises and in his truth.  And I'm confident that he will guide my steps and open the right doors.  But that's about all I'm confident in.

And self love? What is that? I've heard it described as being kind to yourself. Gracious to yourself. Patient with yourself. Loving parts and pieces of yourself so that you love your whole self. Yeah, no. I definitely don't understand this. And so therefore I dont' have it.

I watched the first episode of Fit to Fat to Fit tonight.  There's a lot about this show that I disagree with, concerns me, and I can't endorse trainers putting their bodies through such extremes. But I also completely admire what they're doing.  And in the first episode, Ray (trainer) talks about how JJ has zero self love at the beginning of his journey.

Maybe self love means respecting yourself enough to make the right choices (eating right, working out, the right attitude, etc). Maybe self love means believing in yourself that you can be successful.

I was so moved and inspired by JJ's transformation. His determination.  And of course then came the comparison game.  I am so detached from myself.  I have zero connection with who I want to be and what goals I want to accomplish in my health/fitness. How can a trainer even reach that point? Of being so unfocused and undisciplined... And on top of that, how can a trainer not even know where to begin or what to do to change that?