How many times have I heard the phrase "Those that you love the most will hurt you the most"? Too many times to count... And oh how many times we have each been hurt by those we love. Hurt in little ways, in the attention paid to things and not us. In the small comments made after the first bite of the dinner you worked so hard to prepare for them, by yourself. In their eyes as you struggle. In the words that are said out of reaction and meanness after you have tried so hard to express your differing opinion and belief with kindness and understanding. Hurt in the big ways. Threats of with-holding relationship because of your differing opinion and belief. Accusations because you don't immediately give them exactly what they want. Name calling because you do things differently.
Sounds toxic, doesn't it?
In so many ways, it is.
And yet, I am literally "stuck" with this person for life. Because in my case, they are family. A family member that is immediate.
I hate to admit it, but I am so grateful on so many occasions that we live so physically far apart. That separation is what saves me, us, our relationship. That ability to not have to see them every week is grace. The ability to not answer the phone because you're "at the gym" or "at work" or "with friends." Many times excuses, but simultaneously grace. The fact that communication has shifted primarily to text messages (as that is the mode of communication for the generation) is also grace -- it allows me to think before I respond, to not be rash, and to respond in the kindest, gentlest words possible while maintaining the essence of my beliefs/opinions.
I hate that this is the state of the relationship. Hate it. I wish I could snap my fingers and all the wounds be healed, their pain and fear from their life (which is what's truly the backlash against me; they has the life they never wanted and I was able to avoid it and "get the happy ending") would be fixed and removed, and that I could open their eyes to the possibilities of this world.
Although I hate the state of the relationship, this is how it has to be. This emotional distance. This relational separation. Because when I close that distance and absolve that separation, toxicity seeps into my life. Negativity abounds. There is no respect or understanding or grace for my emotions, yet it is demanded of theirs. Demand -- that is truly what happens when I close the distance/separation, I am bombarded with demands. Do this. Think this. Feel this. Give me this. Accept this. It's too much. I can't handle it. I won't be bullied or told what to do/think/feel/give/accept. I just won't. And when I close the distance and the demands pour in, it pushes me away and my walls come up, and once again we are at a distance.
I hate that so many of my generation act this way -- demanding as if everyone around them owes them something. This world owes nothing. We owe the world. We are not to have an attitude of demands but of grace, gratitude, and love.
There is no question of my love for them. My concern for them. My prayers over them. My desire to see them succeed and overcome.
But sometimes, it seems that love/concern is not enough to overcome the hurts and the pains they cause you. And this is what I struggle with. I am called by my Heavenly Father to reach out to the least of the world, and in many ways, this particular person is the epitome of who I am supposed to reach. I don't know how to break down their walls/attitudes. I don't know how to love and encourage them into the truth. I don't know how to put my own personal hurt aside for them after they are the one who has hurt me so. I don't know how to not be so guarded or suspicious or doubtful of them after they have repeatedly exaggerated the truth to suit their needs. I don't know how to not be disappointed in their choices, decisions, life path.
And the craziest part about all of this? I imagine that this is often how a parent feels. And I'm not even a parent.
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