Last night I stepped outside of my comfort zone and went to a painting party hosted by Natalie -- one of the girls in my Deep Water group.  Natalie is from Alaska and married her high school sweetheart after he joined the Marines.  They now live in Havelock, and her hubby (Patrick) is in Arizona for training for the next 6 weeks or so.  So to get her mind off of Patrick's absence, she invited everyone to a painting party (Natalie is a painter, by the way).

And I decided to go.

And I'm so glad that I did!  It was only myself, Janine, Natalie, and Kevin (I was the only non-married person there), but we had fun!!  It was low key and chill, and I felt much more comfortable and able to open up.  I hope they liked me...

Natalie even did some teaching about painting -- and I learned a good deal!  We all did sunsets on the water, but they were all different.  Mine was bright and vibrant and energetic.  Janine's was quiet and calm and romantic.  Natalies was bright and vibrant but peaceful at the same time.  It was fun to learn, and to see how all three of us created such different pieces of art with the same subject.

Being around so many married people... It's... I don't know.  ::sigh::  This is our third straight day of rain, and it's at this point where the blues are beginning to set in.  Where I get lonely and wish there were someone.  Where I wish I had one (just one!) basket to put some eggs into.

I know this is right for me right now.  But that doesn't stem the sting.  That doesn't remove the whisper from the bottom tip of my heart that says I do want it.  That doesn't make me wonder "What's wrong with me that all these people have a mate and I don't?"

Self Pity.  I know.  I'm sorry.  But it's late.  It's been raining for three days.  This is perfect spooning weather...  It's all just kind of collapsing right now.

Just when I finished the last post, this song came on my iTunes, and although it's sung from someone else's life view point, the lesson still rings true: "The Lord works in a strange way"



Corey is speaking about how having a child was his miracle from God.  And although this is no where near what I'm going through (no babies, no babies), it's testament to the fact that God gives us what we need when we need it.

And I've made my peace with God.  And I'm finally on the tracks again with Him.

Walking with God

The more I go to this church, the more I love it.  The people there are so warm and friendly, the lessons are easy to understand but they still stop and make you think about the way you live your life, the music is good, and dress is casual! :)  I'm also beginning to feel more and more comfortable with my small group.  I still feel a little awkward and like the outsider, but I'm slowly warming up and opening up.  :)

We had a new girl in small group last night.  Her name was Emily.  She was a very nice person -- smart, articulate, and talkative.  But as the night went on, it became obvious that Emily had been through a lot of terrible things lately.  I mean terrible.  It's her story so I won't share it here, but I can tell you it was really terrible.  And for that my heart goes out to her.  I think that Two Rivers Church and our Small Group will be a positive addition to her life.  But Emily is just an odd ball -- before she attended a church service, she listened to every podcast of the sermons, was in frequent email contact with the pastor for a week or so, etc.  Emily has innocence at her heart.  I recognize that.  But her talkative spirit is trying at times.  Several times last night she corrected people, talked over people, and couldn't stop talking about her husband (who was deployed last month).  Now there is absolutely nothing wrong with being in love or adoring your husband.  Please don't misunderstand me.  But the gushing I worry may become a bit much for me.  For me, who's nearly 23 and still single, while I'm surrounded by people younger with me who are so deeply in love with their husbands.  It still blows my mind.  And I recognize that I am jealous that they found their happy endings.  Jealous and it's a wound that's a bit agitated -- like cleaning it out with rubbing alcohol.

But I need to remove this jealousy from my perceptions.  This is not a characteristic that I want to have describing  myself.  I truly am happy that they have this, it gives me hope!  But I also wish I had it...  By the same token, I also recognize that now may not be the best time for me to get involved.  Fuck that.  Of course it is.  Perfect time.  Perhaps the better way to say it is that I'm still not quite in the head space for a positive relationship.  Or am I?  I've done so much personal growth and maturing and growing up, I'm in the best head space I've been in for a very long time.  For two years I'd say. 

Wow.  For two years...  That's something amazing for me to be able to say.  It truly is.  I feel like a totally different person.  And God has worked his magic pretty quickly in my life when I finally opened myself back up to Him.  For that, I am so very thankful.

Going to church has become a weekly renewal -- of commitment to God, of my spirit, of my mind, of morals, of bettering myself.  It challenges me, encourages me, comforts me.

And this morning, as the rain falls with such grace and melody outside my window, I am so happy.  So happy, even though many people may look at my life and think I'm not on the right time table, or that they think I'm lacking (no career, no super close friends, no significant other, not making progress to paying off the debt, etc).  But I am truly so happy.  I'm at peace with myself, I don't thrive on drama, I have found myself in a place that's beautiful and simple to live in, I have found that I'm surrounded by good people, and I have found pleasure in every day.

So to close, I'd like to share a Bible verse that was shared in church yesterday and that I love:
"Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me." Psalm 51:10

This verse has been put to song, and I love the Capstone version of this song.  Unfortunately there is not a YouTube video of this song, so I can't share this with you.  But this verse... It describes perfectly my quest -- to renew my relationship with God, with goodness, with myself, with the right way of living.  I want a clean heart, free of negativity, judgemental thinking, jealousy, angst, and drama.

And so I continue on my quest, on my walk with God.  It gets better and better every day.

What Now? Continued

A few posts ago, I lamented about not knowing how to continue growing as a woman, as a person.  I didn't know where to direct my energies next.  What goals to set for myself.  What to strive for and achieve.

I don't have much as a list goes, but I'm trying to steer away from long lists -- they're intimidating and unrealistic.  It becomes more of a race to get as much done in as short amount of time as possible than it is about truly becoming. 

Since I've moved to New Bern, I've found great enjoyment in running through downtown New Bern.  I started small -- with a goal of one mile.  Then it became two.  Now I'm working on three.  And one goal I've always wanted to accomplish is running a 5K.  So I will now be running a 5K at the beginning of October here in New Bern.

And after that?  I'm going to ramp it up and run a 5 mile race in Greenville that is a fundraiser for families of fallen heroes.  That one will be tough as there are a lot of hills, but I am going to challenge myself and do it.  This is my "What Now?" for now...

Wisdom I Read

You've got to go beyond the fact that you like his ass in those jeans.  To get this right.  Stop and think and lift up the big rock of your past and look at all the creepy shit underneath.

Sometimes you've got to make a mess before you can clean up.

And real love -- it's less shiny than solid and simple.  It's the stuff of sunflower spirals and seashells, where there is beauty and mystery, but where there is logic, too.  You do not need protection from it.  It is not about lies that someone else tells you or that you tell yourself, but about the truth.  Real love is clear.  It's as uncomplicated as that shell.  It's as timeless.

"The Secret Lif of Prince Charming" by Deb Caletti

There was so much more wisdom in this book than this, but this is what I read tonight.  The book itself was not my favorite.  I thought the plot was thin.  But the wisdom hidden in this tween novel... Unbelievable.  Perhaps it was Caletti's attempt at warning and educating and guiding young girls about love and matters of the heart.  If so, I hope the young readers take the advice to heart.  Because it's good advice.  Advice I'm giving myself these days.

Update

So here are the goals and the objectives of this journey:



Settle the issues : Figure out what the issues are ; Settle them


Start going to church again


Work on self :


1. Figure out what I want in life and from a man


2. Refine my vocabulary (less cussing)

3. Be more informed -- news, education, etc I've instead decided to take this in a different direction.  To unplug a little bit from the constant information overload.  I watched the news the other night and was shocked by such negativity and bad news!

4. Be more content and less chaotic

Do things for me and not for someone else

Continue to be driven in my career goals and life goals

Maintain/Better Define my moral character : Positivity , Confidence

Learn to cook -- not because a woman belongs in the kitchen but because cooking is a dying art form.  Made some pretty awesome things!  Not a gourmet cook, but I'm learning some yummy things!

Bring more diversity into my life -- food, music, language, books, friends

Back to old clothes sizes (Pretty self explanitory. I'm a girl. I'll always want to lose weight. ) Working on getting there! :)  Getting better...

Find happiness.  Beginning by doing little things that make me happy. Such as: Make and drink more fresh mint tea ,  Enjoy a glass of wine , Read more -- and read respectable books. Not just chick lit. , Make gifts for people -- for occasions and for random acts of kindness , Be outdoors -- find a park, go hiking, go running, whatever. ,

Find the Island (Kelley and I have decided that all the gays have corralled the right guys on an island) Decided that instead of looking for it, I am going to let God guide me.  And basically let the Island find me.

What Now?

Today at Deep Water groups with church was an interesting experience.  I'm still trying to feel comfortable in a group of well established friends, and with this whole personal journey business, I've become pretty quiet and reserved.  So being in a room of strangers with big personalities is pretty intimidating.

But that's not why today was interesting.

I'm not sure if there was a reason why, but tonight seemed to be lovey-dovey PDA night.  (90% of the deep water group is young married marine couples).  It wasn't the gross PDA, but the sweet awesome PDA that every girl wants in a relationship.  The little kisses on the shoulder.  The cuddling.  The arms around the waist.

It was nice to see so much love in a house.  But it made me feel pretty alone.  And even more left out.  You know the deal...

I don't want this blog to become just a source of annoyance and bitching about how I'm single.  I kind of feel like it's become like that.  Constantly complaining about how I want a man.  Haha.  But honestly, it's just what happened tonight and how it made me feel.  I'm so happy to have met so many people here that have such amazing realtionships with their husbands (invariably nearly everyone I've met here so far is married).  Maybe this is why I'm here.  To re-gain the belief in love and in marriage.  Whether or not I get it.

I began this whole blog as a Karmic Quest to find myself.  To change.  To evaluate.  And I've done it.  I've achieved many of the goals.  Done a lot of reflection and questioning.  Deciding.  Positive decisions.  Balancing.

I've figured out what (some? haha) of my issues are.  I've fixed them.  I've scruitinized myself.  I've set standards for myself.  I've completed projects.  Begun habits I enjoy (love running in downtown!!).  Landed jobs.  Returned to church.  Working on friends and community establishment.  Completed projects that I'd put off (crochet blanket, amy butler purse).  Done things for me, that I enjoy. 

Improving oneself is a never ending journey I would think.  But I'm at a stalling point.  I'm at a point where I can comfortably and in good conscience check off most of the goals I outlined for myself at the beginning of this.  So what now?  I don't want to stagnate.  Stagnatation leads to complacency.  Which leads to regression.

What do I work on now?  What's missing from my life that I can put into my life by myself -- without needing a significant other?

Diet Day 1

OhmyGod.  Thank you barometer pants.  I get it.  I'm back on the diet.

No no no.  Not the diet, but the eat-more-properly plan.  The count my calories so I don't over-indulge plan.  The allow-myself-to-eat-whatever-I-want-as-long-as-I-stay-within-my-allotted-calorie-bank plan.

And it's day one.  I did well with lunch, fixing myself a very well balanced meal with lots of delicious food: grilled cheese, veggie soup, half a peach, and carrots (gotta have that crunch!).  All for 500 calories.  Stopped myself from snacking a few hours later.  But then I went to Walgreens to meet someone to purchase a lamp from them (through a website similar to Craigslist).  I was waiting for 20 minutes and they never showed.  So while I was waiting (it was HOT), I went in to get a drink.  I didn't go down the candy aisle (good girl Blair), but at the counter, by the scanner, were peanut M&M's.  I bought.  I ate.  I enjoyed.  And I wasted 250 calories.  So I'm going super strict on dinner.  I'm eating it before I go to work, and after work, I will allow myself a 100 calorie popcorn pack.  Sticking to it is hard.  But I'm doing better today than other days!

And as an aide, I'm keeping a food diary.  That has always helped to keep me on track.  Hopefully this time will be no exception! :)

Lessons from the Judd's

I'm watching Oprah right now for the first time ever in forever.  And I'm only watching because the Judd's are on.  Wynonna is one of my favorite country artists, and she's been through hell and back many times over.  And she has always had a rocky relationship with her Mother (something I can identify with).  But they're on the show today regarding their relationship -- how it has changed, how it has become better.  And they just shared three tools they use to communicate and relate to eachother to keep things from erupting like a volcano.  In disagreements, they use these tools:

1.  Is now a good time to ___? (talk, hug you, etc)
2.  I can understand how you feel that way. (doesn't mean you agree, but you can respect their opinions/feelings)
3.  Repeat back what you heard to ensure that you understand what's being said (makes sure that nothing is being misunderstood)

Great tools.  I'd like to try using them with my own Mother, with whose relationship I am trying to better.



And if you want to say no to something: "That doesn't work for me."

Stem the Sting

::siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh::

I really need to stop facebook stalking my ex's.  It does nothing but make me feel inferior and a loser.  Because I'm not in a relationship and they all are.  Because I don't have kids (50% now either are having kids or are dating girls who have kids).  Because I don't have that other half.  Facebook stalking them just takes me back to square one.  Insecure.  Unsure.  Lonely.

I know they are all douche bags.  But that doesn't make the sting any less.

So to stem the loneliness, I'll go to Wal-Mart and purchase some much needed hangers and organize my closet.  Because that's what single people do.  Drink lots of wine (check) and organize their closets.


No wonder they all dumped me.  I am a loser.

Fabulous

Fabulous.  I want a reason to be fabulous.  A reason to dress up, doll up, curl up my hair.  To embrace the inner girl that I typically neglect.  A reason to wear impossible shoes.  A reason to wake up with aching feet with blisters and bruises.  I want to feel glamorous.  Adult.  Chic.

I bought two beautiful dresses and all I want to do is have a reason to wear them.  An occassion.  And all I can think about is a romantic night with a man, drinks, food, and classy music (jazz, classical, swing).  I want a night out of the 1940's -- like in the movie Pearl Harbor where they all meet up before everything changes. 

I want a man who will do that with me from time to time.  Who will take me out for a fancy night.  A slow dance.  Soft, lingering looks from across the table.

Overly romantic.  But it's true.  I love buying beautiful dresses and shoes and putting them on for the reaction.  Knowing that he can't take his eyes off of me.

Granted, all this is unattainable right now due to my lack of man.  As well as lack of friends (If I can't have a man to dress up with, there are always dinner parties with friends.  It's a poor second place, but an enjoyable one none the less).

It's not that I'm complaining for want of man.  I'm just recognizing that a little part of me is lonely for something.  My life is too busy, too unsteady, too unpredictable for a realtionship.

Haha.  Saying that makes me think of this scene from a movie I love:


Ugh.  Yes.  I want a relationship.  But I also recognize that I haven't seen what I want yet, so it's easy for me to say I'm not interested in having something that to my mind doesn't exist (the perfect guy for me with all the right qualifications, references, and completed application.  Who treats me right, respects me, has a sense of humor -- heck, just read the post I wrote about what I'm looking for in a man.  Geesh).

Show me that man and I'll change my mind about not wanting a relationship right now.  But chances are, you won't be able to show me that (real - not hollywood) man (who's single and straight).

Well once again I have fallen prey to "hopeless romantic" as my own worst enemy.  I am so disappointed in myself.

I should not have solicited advice.  I was just fine thank you! :-p

But oh well.  No harm no foul.  I love my life, my friends, and my family.  I'm disappointed that I made such a mistake so easily of going against my beliefs, but it was a small one.  Onwards!

Looks like God was testing me. And I think I failed. :(

I Can't Help It

I can't help but enjoy his music.  I know it's pre-pubescent.  I know it's teeny bopper.  But I can't help but like the music!  It's innocent, simple, sweet, and fun.  What I wish my life were more like. 



...How many I told you's and start overs
And shoulders have you cried on before
How many promises be honest girl
How many tears you let hit the floor
How many bags you packed
Just to take 'em back tell me that
How many either or's..
And in answer: Too many

Maybe someday someone will make me one less lonely girl.  But in the meantime, I'll smile and sway to Justin Bieber, and hope that someday the right guy will come along and change it all.

2:45am Text Message

"Most girls suck. Blair, you are different and it's awesome.  You're the girl.  Just sit back and relax, the dudes will do all the work trust me.  If they want to date, it will happen."  Got that text last night from my best guy friend, and it made me feel so much better.  It validated how I feel, how I'm acting, how I'm growing.

It somehow feels like the advice (that I've been telling myself the whole time) is more validated and believable coming from a guy than from my own mind.

So I'm going to sit back and relax and let the dudes to all the work! :)

The Manual

He's Just Not That Into You should be every woman's Manual (Bible?) to dating, relationships, men, and those questions that plague our minds until the end of time.  I love this movie.  Seriously.  Love it.  It's empowering.  It reveals a lot about myself that even I don't want to admit (I'm Gigi post revelation as Kat says haha).

And this clip?  Well, it kind of describes the last year of my life to the T:




So it's time to change.  Which is what the past two months has been about.  And I think I've made some progress.  What do you think?

 He texts or he doesn't.  I'm certainly not texting him first.  Haha.  One step at a time toward change.

Let's Talk About Sex

Sex.  It's a slippery slope, a grey fuzzy line.  It's an important part of a relationship, of this I will agree.  But it makes me nervous these days.  Is he really interested just in the poon?  Or is this one real -- is he really in it for me, and sex is just another way to grow closer as a couple?  I can see the debate in my head now...

Sooo... Is he just after sex?  I have no idea.  My walls are up.  Sex is a part of a relationship.  But after my recent experiences, I've kind of become scared of sex.  Scared of how it can be used against me.  How it can hurt me.  How it can change things (for the negative) in a relationship.  I don't want to be used or abused for something.  I don't want to perform actions because I feel like I have to, because if I didn't he wouldn't stick around.

I've gotten too much self respect for that shit.

And I've been upfront about it.  I am not interested in friends with benefits.  That sex should wait.  And if he leaves or loses interest, then oh well.  No loss on my end.  I'd rather he left if that's what he were after than see me as a 'challenge' to achieve.  After all, I'm the "forever" kind of girl.

It scares me, all of this.  I am a strong woman, but after everything and my current life re-evaluation... In some aspects I've become stronger (no sex), but in some I've become weaker and less confident (how to interact with guys, figuring out what they're really after, what's real and what's a line, etc).

Providing or Testing??

Is God testing me?  Is He trying to see if I'll break my relationship embargo?  Or is this a continuation of my lesson in church a few weeks ago that this relationship embargo I put in place against people is stupid?

I don't know how I feel about all this...  I'm really confused right now...

Seeking Style

So one of my many goals (this one I didn't actualy write out in my "outline") is to become more stylish -- to take more pride in my appearance: what I wear.  I've made some purchases recently in my very limited budget to get closer to this.  A lace tee.  A brown bomber jacket.  Brown dress pants.  Burgandy "office shirt."  I'm balancing trends with classics.  Or at least attempting to. 

And there are some trends coming in that I'm loving -- kitten heels, animal prints, sweaters (oh how I love a chunky sweater!), and the motorcycle riding boot (a cross between a horse riding boot and a bike boot).

In my pursuit for fashion, I decided to purchase September's Bazar.  An in it is an article titled "Secrets of Effortless Style."  And I'm loving this article.  I'd like to share with you the subtitles within this article:
1.  Chic women never shop to fill a void; they buy only pieces they love.
2.  There is no such thing as "out with the old, in with the new" ("when you buy something, you want to be able to wear it for years")
3.  But why this and not that? -- Stick to your style, what you like, what makes you happy and makes you feel good.

Great points and great advice...

Simple Things in Life

So when I began all this, I wanted to get back to Me.  To be a better me.  To know myself better.  To do things that make me happy.  And I've done a lot of that!  Here are some more things I've done recently (within the past two days) that make me happy.

Monday I went on a walk on the beach with Katherine and her dogs.  During this walk, I found a conch shell just sitting on the beach.  And by the way, I love conch shells.  So I picked it up and took it home.  But I had no idea where I wanted to put it...  Well I found a unique and uncommon home for this shell -- in my bath tub!  And let me tell you, it's such a nice thing to see when I open my shower curtain to take a shower.  It brings a little peace to my shower...

I found yet another recipe online that I was dying to try.  But needed an occasion to make it for.  Well, once again, God provided me with a perfect opportunity!  One of the people in my Sunday School class is celebrating their birthday tonight, so I decided to put this recipe to use!
Recipe: http://soupbelly.com/2010/05/26/devils-cake-balls/
And here are some pictures of my devils cake balls!

Cake crumbled

Oooo Icing!

Icing and Cake together

Some balls before and after dipped

After being dipped in chocolate

After making these balls, I've decided that these would be great at a wedding!  Instead of paying for a huge expensive cake where you only get a tiny slice, I want to make these for my guests!  I could do different combinations of cake, and then do different kinds of chocolate (bitter, white, milk) and even flavor the chocolate (raspberry, orange, etc)!  And they are so delicious and easy to make!  And since one recipe makes a ton, I can do them myself (with the help of some good friends and good drinks of course).  So save some money! Exciting!!!  The only piece missing is the groom! haha

40 signs of a healthy relationship

"The 40 healthy relationship signs below are meant to open your eyes to what healthy relationships are all about. It’s not all smiles and kissy-face; but it’s real.







You can be your true selves with each other.


You feel comfortable sharing your deepest thoughts, fears, and emotions with each other.


You rarely lie to each other, but you also refrain from being brutally honest.


You give each other space and/or “Me time.”


You make it through rough times as a couple without splitting up.


You agree (or genuinely agree to disagree) on financial matters.


You treat each other the way you would like to be treated, not necessarily the way you feel you’re being treated at the moment.


You and your mate completely deal with your problems, refusing to leave them unresolved until resentments form.


You forgive each other for mistakes.


You don’t tell each other what you should or shouldn’t think/feel.


You both listen without interrupting.


You respect each others’ privacy.


You speak each others’ Love Language, even if it’s different from your own.


You willingly make sacrifices for each other.


You share mutual interests and activities.


You respect each others’ individuality and make the most of your differences.


You act as each others’ backbone, providing loving support without guilt.


You share spiritual beliefs or a spiritual connection.


You show sensitivity to each others’ needs.


You discuss and negotiate instead of fighting.


Each partner takes responsibility for their own thoughts and feelings.


There is mutual trust and dedication.


You have a strong friendship.


In addition to loving each other, you genuinely like each other.


You don’t judge or force your opinions on each other.


You take quality time to nurture your relationship.


Both partners maintains his/her own set of boundaries and respects the boundaries of the other.


You are both attentive to the needs of yourself and the other.


You enjoy physical contact (hugs, kisses, cuddling, sex) together.


You show appreciation for each other.


Hardship, uncertainty, and disagreements are accepted as a part of life.


You communicate openly and meaningfully with each other.


There is equal power between you and your mate.


You keep your expectations of each other in check.


You genuinely apologize to one another when feelings are hurt.


You and your mate speak up assertively instead of expecting the other to read minds.


You both eliminate passive aggressive behavior (ignoring, silent treatment, eye rolling, stomping, hanging up the phone) as much as possible.


You have a strong sense of interdependence (mutual responsibility) to each other rather than dependence or co-dependence.


You avoid going to bed mad.


You CAN live without each other, but you choose each other over every alternative choice.


If all 40 of the above apply to you and your spouse/mate, you’re in better shape than most people in the world. However, every relationship has its challenges.






Instead of using the signs that you’re in a healthy relationship as a way to judge yourself and your mate, use them as a guide to growth. After all, relationship success is a part of self improvement success."

http://blog.self-improvement-saga.com/2010/08/40-signs-youre-in-a-healthy-relationship/