My skin is mad at me. I stayed in the tanning bed a wee bit too long today... But I'm one tanning session closer to having some color!!  I already have some color (for me, but it's barely noticeable compared to others).  Just wish it would happen a little faster...

Bible

They say that there is no price on enriching your soul.  Well, Books a Million has put an arbitrary price on it, and let me tell you -- someone's getting rich off the enrichment of my soul and the souls of others!

All kidding aside... I went to Books a Million yesterday and finally invested in a good Bible.  And I mean a good Bible.  It's a side by side study Bible, where each page is split in half: the left side is the NIV version, and the right side is the Message version.  I also purchased a Bible cover and Bible Book Tabs!

I am very excited about finally having a good Bible.  I have two Bibles already, but they are both KJV, which is really hard for me to understand.  So I'm excited to have a Bible that I can read and understand, and which has even further clarification on the other half of the page should I need it!  But there are a few reasons that I purchased a new Bible.  The first of which is that my Sunday School class is going to be doing a legitimate Bible Study!!  :) :) I am thrilled about this because I've never really done a Bible study before.  Sure; I grew up in the church and heard all the stories, but our Youth group never did much with Bible study -- they just did faith enrichment, so to speak (mission trips, charity work, devotions from Chicken Soup for the Soul).  So I don't really know the Bible like I should.  Another reason is that I am feeling a strong call to hear God's word and live closer to Him.  I am searching for meaning, and I feel the call to find that meaning in the Good Book.  Along these same lines; I am looking to begin the journey to being Saved.  I was Christened as an infant, and Confirmed as a teen, but I never really had that ceremony where I commit myself to Christ.  To being a Christian.  And that's something that I'm feeling a strong pull towards -- feeling that out.  Beginning that education.  Walking towards that commitment. 

I spoke to the pastor of my church this morning about this.  About getting more involved, seeking out direction, heading towards a "Saved" experience.  And he was (obviously) very encouraging of this.  Said he'd like to begin with some Scripture reading/studying with me.  So I'll be heading to the church office tomorrow to begin feeling this process out.

I am apprehensive.  Not about seeking a deeper relationship with Christ and with God.  But about getting more involved with Church.  I love this Church.  The way it's organized.  What they believe in.  How they worship.  But the people... I haven't exactly made strong connections with many of the attenders/members, and most of them are families.  I'm kind of the odd man out -- a young single, non-military girl in the midst of young families and military husbands/wives.  I want to make friends; but I'm not sure if this is the place for me to do so.

Today I received an unexpected phone call from my Mother, with whom the relationship is rocky.  And she was in a terrible mental state.  The youngest brother is facing some serious health issues, and she was struggling with a lot of it.

I was honored that she called me  and turned to me for support.  And I told her that it would probably be best to leave it in God's hands.  This brought her to tears, and made everything I'd said click.

After I hung up on the phone with her, the Serenity Prayer came to mind.  I googled it because I couldn't remember the exact words and came across an "extended" version that I'd like to share with you, because I thought it was beautiful.

God,
Grant me the serenity;
To accept the things I cannot change;
The courage, to change the things I can;
And the wisdom, to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
As it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
If I surrender to His Will;
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life
And supremely happy with Him
Forever and ever in the next.
Amen

Results of a Trip to the Grandparents

I just got back from a visit to my Grandparents in Hartsville, SC.  It's a long trip (usually about a 4 hour drive one way), but it's a long trip that is always worth it, because I don't know how much longer this world will be blessed with their spirits and I want to take advantage of the time I have when I can.

They say that some of the main traits of a Sagittarius (such as myself) is a restless spirit, with a love of travel, whether that be for business, pleasure, or just for an escape.  And as I age, I find this to be more and more true of myself.  I am always looking for an excuse to get out of Dodge and go somewhere, anywhere.  This weekend was one of those unexpected road trips.  I wasn't expecting any time off from work, let alone a whole weekend, so when I got both time off and the whole weekend off, I immediately made plans to head to the great state of South Carolina.

I went to SC with a lot on my mind.  A lot of anxiety, sadness, loneliness, and a feeling of failure.  About school (the current state of the program at Craven CC, whether or not to apply to other programs, and where to apply??).  About work (it's such a dead end job!).  About love (yet another one has bit the dust with his flaky behavior -- I need steady and dependable, by the way -- and once again I'm very much alone, without prospects, and have no idea where to begin.  Let alone the question of whether or not love exists, and if it's meant for me).  About God (I felt slightly abandoned through all of this).

Being around my grandparents always has a way of calming my mind.  I told them about my frustrations, and about the option to move to Greensboro and live with Meghan in the Fall.  They were very receptive and supportive and enthusiastic about this option.  But Nanny also mentioned that the technical school near their house had the program (hinting to come live with them and attend school there).  And this idea appealed to me.  With the exception of the out of state tuition, of course.  And the other exception of the fact that I would be even further from my friends...  So they both calmed and rattled my anxiety about school.  I want to please them, to make them proud, to not be that wayward grandchild that they see my sister as.

But if I ever doubted true love, all I have to do is go visit them.  These two people amaze me.  They are the quinticential old married couple, who after more than 50 years married to each other, they are still in love and are still going out of their way to do things for each other.  I sat and observed Papa go out of his way to attend to Nanny, making the bed for her (like he does every morning), doing the dishes for her (like he does every night), driving her around town ... Essentially being the man of the house and treating his wife like his queen.  You can tell when Nanny is inwardly rolling her eyes at him (which to me is just as cute that she just lets him go about his way even though she knows an easier way to do things), but the love that they show is simply amazing.  They prove to me that having a successful marriage is possible.  With work, time, love, and compromise.  So they eased my mind about the existence of love, but raked my anxiety about love in the sense that they were already together at my age.  And here I am, with nothing but failed relationships to show for myself.

I know that these relationships didn't fail because I was unwilling to compromise.  In fact, the fact that I was so willing to work only left me open for heart break after heart ache.  And it's so frustrating.  To meet someone, see amazing potential with that person, logically look for red flags and see nothing of great importance, then begin to fall for them, to open myself up to them.  Only for them to cut it off, cut me out, and leave me hanging?  It's frustrating.

My friend Suja tells me that I need a break.  And I remind her that I've been on break from seriously persuing men for more than 4 months now.  That this "break" was only instituted for 3 months, but that it has persisted.  And that even on my "break," my heart gets broken.  Because I never considered having a serious relationship with any of the men that came along during my break (and told them straight up that I didn't want a relationship, but that they could casually see me with no expectations for anything physical, as I reserve those benefits for relationships only), except for the most recent one.  Who I let in.  Who sent such mixed signals with such erratic behavior that I knew in my heart (even though this acknowledgement killed me) that I needed to let it go.

And for women, letting go without the explanation, the closure, the "talk," well that's just cruel.  And I think I could argue it not only hurts worse, but it's harder to get over, because we don't understand why.  Why we weren't good enough.  And so we put ourselves through mental anguish.  Even when we're "over" the guy for the most part, our heart still cries (and might always) because we don't understand.

While I was at my grandparents, I had time to catch up on my daily Bible reading.  I am doing a Reading Plan through YouVersion, which you can access online or on your Blackberry or iPhone.  The Reading Plan is a Chronological plan, which I'm hoping will help me place events in the proper order.  But this week that Plan has had me reading Job.  So as I mentioned, I was able to catch up on about five days of missed Bible study, which was really nice.  Job is a book that has really resounded with my soul right now, as I feel a bit forsaken like Job did.  So through reading and studying the book of Job, I feel like my anxiety has calmed some.  I have learned that God tests, and that you must be patient and faithful in your belief.  That you may think God has abandoned you, but he hasn't.  And that you can never lose your faith. 

So being with my grandparents has calmed and stirred a lot of things in my mind and in my heart, and they meet in the middle with a tight throat.  They spur me to be better, to never give up, and to keep my chin up in patience.  And as always, I left with too many leftovers and treats, as well as sewing materials (including a JellyRoll and a jellyroll project book!!! Can't wait to crack into these!!).  And I return anxious to make a difference in the world, in my life, and to live life as simply as I can.  Because the rest is just fluff.

That playlist pretty much sums up how I feel right now:  I'm tired of love hurting me, I've (sorta) given up on it.  I'm a bitch, but I'm also so many other things and you wouldn't have it any other way.  Do me wrong, and I'll be hell on your heart.  With all this anger out, it must be said that My Best Days are Ahead of me -- I have to think positively on this note.  There is also so much sadness and wistfulness that I'm feeling, expressed through Billie Holliday's "My Man" (I am really beginning to love her music!).  Then Billy warns any future love interests to please let me down easy when I fall for them, in the hopes that I won't get hurt or disappointed again.  Something is definitely missing in my life -- and that's a man.  So I'm Sitting, Waiting, Wishing that he comes along and changes my life.



Many times I wonder why I am so focused on the issue of my single status.  But think about it...  Humans were created with the intention of pairing up as mates -- whether you look at evolution (monkeys all have mates) or the Biblical story (Eve was created as a mate and companion for Adam), we exist to be paired up.  And when so many of your acquaintances are getting engaged (paired up), and you don't even have a hope on the horizon for getting that... It makes logical sense why I am so despondent about it.

But like KLOV said this morning, I need to turn to God for my daily portion.  Of food, companionship, patience, everything...  I need to turn to God.  Because God will deliver when I am ready for something so important.

Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

Tonight one of my best friends broke up with her first and only serious boyfriend of over one year.  (And yes, she's 23.)

It's a decision that she's been mulling over for months...  She's not been truly happy with him in quite a long time.  But she had fallen into the security blanket hole.  Where even though she wasn't happy, she figured it was happier than she'd be without him.  The "I forgot how to be single" syndrome.  The "I'm afraid I won't meet anyone better" fear. 

Think back to your first break up.  Were you dumped or did you do the dumping?  Remember how heartbreaking it was, regardless of what role you played in the break up?  Leaving the first love is the hardest thing a person can do.  Because that first love ushers you into a whole new identity of yourself.  And they become a part of that identity.  And to lose them; you fear the loss of identity.

Break ups are incinerators of the soul.  They burn through all of you -- regardless of whether you're the one ending it or the one who gets left.  There is so much pain.  Sadness.  Fear.  Love.  The wish that things could be so different. 

But break ups are also the bravest, most honest things you can do for yourself.  It takes incredible courage to break up with someone, or to move on from a break up.  To step forward with your life and promise to accept nothing less than what is right for you.  You recognize that the person you thought you couldn't live without -- you actually can live without them.  And most of the time, you realize that the person that you were so in love with wasn't really that great of a match for you.  It's empowering when you move on from someone.  All the opportunities.

But as hard as it is to decide to break up with someone (I was dumped five times before I ever dumped someone--it's not something easy to decide to do, and let me tell you, it hurt just as bad doing the dumping as it did being the one dumped), it's the post break up that can be even trickier.  Navigating the anxieties, the fears, the I wish I could take it back...  The loneliness.  The boredom. 

Kat has a long road ahead of her, but I am so incredibly proud of her for no longer accepting a bad relationship.  To watch a friend go through so much in her personal life, and to then have her boyfriend add more negativity to that pile is so heartbreaking.  It can be shocking to see how heartless and thoughtless and inconsiderate a person can be to someone they claim to love; and to watch your friend shrivel and shake and cry because she feels like it's all her fault.  Because you can't do anything about it.  You tell her that it's not right, and she acknowledges it, but she makes excuses for him.  You just sit on the sidelines, waiting, encouraging, supporting -- just like any teammate on any sports team would.

But she reached the breaking point.

She will be okay. 
Stacey will be okay.
Kelley will be okay.
I will be okay.

It's just getting through and to the okay part that's the struggle...

Or maybe that's just what people say to eachother; to make them feel like there's a greater sense of hope out there.  Or when they're just tired of hearing our complaining about being single -- "You'll be okay.  You'll meet someone."  AKA, shut up about it already!  I can't do anything about your situation and you're getting annoying with all your complaining.  I hope this isn't the case...  I hope that we will all truly be okay.  I hope that we will all really meet the right guy.  I hope that we will all find happiness, first without him and on our own, then with him.

Until then, I teeter (and Stacey teeters... and Kelley teeters... and now Kat will teeter) between loving being single (freedom) and hating being single (loneliness -- the result of freedom).

When it comes to confusing times of the heart, it's so important to keep your friends closer than ever.

Tonight I went out with one of my best friends ever, and it was a night out long over due.

She and I had so much fun, and it was so nice to go out together!  And amazingly, just when I'd given up on Boy B, he messages me!  Funny how things work out sometimes...

Update on the message (1.16.10)

I believe he's now playing games.  He didn't respond to my response (that seems confusing but it's not).  I texted him to ask how his day was (I was under the impression that maybe he was feeling lonely and neglected and that he wanted more interaction between us) and got no response.

Men are just as fickle as women are.  I don't play games.  He sent me mixed messages over the weekend.  Then this week he didn't speak to me at all barely (and two paragraph messages from facebook is the only communication I got, and it was always solicited).  He didn't text me.  He didn't skype me.  Then when I take a couple days to decide how I want to respond, he gets all passive aggressive on me?? Trying to guilt trip me??  I AM NOT A DOG AT A MAN'S BECK AND CALL.  I am just thoroughly confused.  And thus I have decided he is playing games.

I don't do games.  I'm sick of it.  This is clearly not the right time for he and I, which is such a shame; because we could have been amazing together.

In My Life...

There are places I remember

All my life though some have changed

Some forever not for better

Some have gone and some remain

All these places had their moments

With lovers and friends I still can recall

Some are dead and some are living

In my life I've loved them all

 

Each line rings so true...  I have so many memories of my life; some plesant, some not so plesant.  Some I wish I could forget, and actively try not to remember.  Things I've done, things I've said, things that people have done to me, things that people have said to me.  There are memories of each category that I treasure; memories that are "not for better". 
 
Many people have cycled in and out of my life -- some withering like the leaves at Fall and abandoning me, some stubbornly hanging on through the bitter cold of winter and every other season.  Some have been evergreens; some have not.  I can look back and remember friends or lovers -- many of whom cycled out of my life.  But as the Beatles so wisely say: In my life I've loved them all.  Regardless of whether we were friends, girl friends, or lovers, I have loved everyone at some point in my life.  I recognize that they were a distinct part of me, helping to shape me in some way.  Whether it be with support, challenges, or time honored life lessons, they are a part of my life -- my past (and a few a part of my present!  Good friends are hard to come by, and I've cherished the ones I've made). 
 
I do not wish ill on any of the people that are no longer a part of my life, regardless of whether that were due to heartbreak or simple distance of hearts (again; this applies to friends and lovers).  I want them to all succeed, because that means a small part of me succeeds as well.  That I was a small part of their life, that helped shape them into who they are today.

 

 

But of all these friends and lovers

There is no one compares with you

And these memories lose their meaning

When I think of love as something new

Though I know I'll never lose affection

For people and things that went before

I know I'll often stop and think about them

In my life I love you more

I dedicate this verse to My Love, whoever he is, wherever he is, if he exists! :-p  No, but in all seriousness, I hope to some day be able to dedicate this verse to a special someone.  I pray that one day that person will materialize in my life and we will be friends.  Best friends.  Long before we date.  Or kiss.  Or love.

Patience is a virtue, they say.  And it's a quality I am trying to embrace.  To live.  To exude.  I know that wanting and wishing and dreaming of and desiring will only put off destiny.  Because I know that destiny only comes when you're not seeking it out.

So until he comes around, this song will randomly pop up on my iPod, and I'll reflect on those that I love, those that I have loved, and say a small prayer that someday I'll find someone special to love.

Scattered Thoughts Collected

~~ I need to become more regimented with my days.  I need to devote 30 minutes to Bible Study/Worship and 30 minutes to cleaning each day.  I need to do more cooking instead of eating out (I'm making excellent progress on this particular goal!  My freezer is packed with goodies and my cupboard isn't lacking.  I made Chili Monday and Lasagna Tuesday!  And have been feasting on the leftovers...).

~~ As is my way, it took me 72 hours to move on.  :)  Perhaps it makes me a cold hearted bitch for it to take me so little time, but access to my heart is controlled like a light switch.  Sure it's easy to "turn on" and get in, but it's a switch.  And I can turn the care off in a mere 72 hours.  Do something to harden my heart and my heart will gladly reciprocate.  So once again I turn my attention to myself -- bettering myself, doing things for myself, and looking to the future for myself.  And I've begun a few projects!  I have decided to set up a shop on Etsy to sell items that I make (to support and encourage my previous post about the 12 months of crafting! haha).

~~  Boot Camp Class at the Y begins next week, and I'm pretty excited to teach another session!  We have an instructor meeting tonight to discuss how things will go.  I ran into Rhonda (another one of the instructors) this morning while I was working out, and it looks like we're going to have an excellent group of about 20!!  Woot!

~~  I also spoke to Nakia today, and I believe I am going to get certified as a Personal Trainer this weekend.  There's a lady that works out on the Elliptical next to me on Tues/Thursdays who is interested in starting a Maintenance class, and they can't widen the classes just for her.  So I'm going to suggest that we do some personal training together!!  I hope she's interested...  That would be some awesome extra income for me!!

This was not a poetic or well rounded post at all, but I am so proud of myself for moving on, and for having so many opportunities for myself!! :) :) 

God is truly great, and he heard my prayer last night. 

Brutality Against Myself

Oh what a day.

I talked to my manager, LeAnne today about everything.  And since she's kind of like my adult mentor here, she really brouht me back to reality.  And through the course of the day, I realized that Bryan really isn't ready for me and everything that I have to offer.  That because of this, we will not exist as a couple for a long time; if ever.  Probably never.  Because he will find some hippie, pot-smoking skinny girl who goes to App who is easier to maintain a relationship with than me.  Because I want someone who's ready for me.  For what I have to offer.

It's frustrating.  To be given the hope of a future, of a happily-ever-after, and to then have it all taken away with the slap of reality.  It's confusing -- why can't I have someone, why can't I have the happy ending, why haven't I found either of those???

I keep reminding myself that good things come to those who wait, and that God has a plan for me.  But those words only go so far to stem the frustration, annoyance, loneliness, and worthlessness that I feel.

Snow Falls Quietly Over New Bern

I look out my window and it's snowing.  Snowing those beautiful, huge, fluffy flakes that look like they ought to belong inside a snow globe.  Just flightly falling, swaying from side to side as they fall -- just like a feather would.  Heavier it falls... Coating the world in varying layers of white.  Blotting away imperfections in some places, making that which shows through even more vibrant in color.

The world is quieter as it watches the flakes fall.  Mesmerizing us each alike.  Despite creed, color, class, or background.

Blankets are pulled out.  Coffee poured.  Soothing music plays across town.  Thoughts are quieter.  More peaceful for some.  More logical for some.  For me, they're slower.  I'm able to hear them each instead of them flying by in such a whir that only the emotional responses are recognized.  Soon I hope that my imperfections are covered, are layered with white innocence and purity to allow me a new start.  So that that of me which does show through is more vibrant than I once was.  That instead of being caught up in a world that moves so fast it's been colored grey, I stand calmly, firmly, and peacefully.  Moving with deliberance and consideration.  With grace.  With respect.

Sometimes I wonder how I got to where I am...  Nothing but a series of consecutive events that unfolded randomly and unexpectedly.  My friends from high school.  My choice of college.  My choice of major.  My choice of friends and activities in college.  My internship.  My relocation to New Bern.  They have all been a series of consecutive random events, that have opened opportunities that flowed as if God himself was showing me the way.  Was I a fool to think this?  Should I have instead challenged the easy way -- was God testing, not providing?  Sometimes I wonder where I will be in 5, 10, 15 years.  And all that will get me there will be a series of consecutive events that are random and unexpected.

So for the moment, I'm able to lay aside my anxiety about Bryan, about my future, about careers and schools.  And for the moment, I'm able to sit on my couch and look out the window at the life size snow globe I get to be a part of.

Psychological Warfare

I hate this part about pursuing a guy...  The beginning where you're feeling eachother out, and the nerves are at a paramount.  You have your "first date" and had the "serious talk" and you go home.  And then you freak out -- analyzing every single conversation.  You're convinced that you messed up; you said the wrong thing; did the wrong thing.  Enough so that you convince yourself that he's no longer interested.

And he may not be. 

Or he might just be incredibly busy -- it is the first day of class, he's got work, he's got practice, and he broke his phone.

Or he might not be interested.

My mind hurts.  My heart hurts.  I am on the verge of tears.  Damn this psychological warfare!

Disastrous

Saturday (3:30am)
That's the only way I feel I could accuratley describe in one word how this weekend has gone.

I drove here, got a nice welcome.  We hung out.  We made out.  We cuddled.  And then came the obligatory "serious talk."

And what do I learn from this serious talk (after making out with him and losing layers as time progressed -- no sex though!)?  That he's interested and wants a relationship with me, but that he isn't ready right now.  Because he's starting school (23 yr old freshman because he was in the army for 6 years), and that's the most important thing he'll ever do in his life, and he wants to make sure he can balance everything (school, work, lacrosse, me) before he pursues an actual relationship.  But that nothing has changed in how he feels about me.

And I'm sitting there like, well...why did I just drive 5.5 hours to see you then?  Did you just waste my time?  My money? My gas?  Did I just get led on?  I'm hurt.  I'm confused.  I'm embarrassed (I'm here, open, and half naked in his bed when he tells me this!).  I don't know how to proceed.  I'm anxious -- does he even want me here anymore?  Is he telling me to leave?  Ugh!  So confused!!

Sunday (1:00pm)

I'm no longer in Boone.  I'm in Greensboro; a pit stop between Boone and home to see my sister and my best friend Suja.  Some distance.  Some solitude.  Some thinking and reflecting time.

Saturday evening (many hours after I began the Saturday post), Bryan and I ended up driving up Beech Mountain to visit some of his Army buddies that were in town on a retreat.  Buddies Bryan hasn't seen since he got out.  I was a little nervous -- would I get ignored?  Would they be total assholes?  But I ended up having a blast!!  We drank and played drinking games and laughed a lot.  It was great!

There were a couple awkward moments though...  Like when the Chaplain asked our relationship status after Bryan introduced me.  Bryan kind of stammered and fidgetted (I like to observe reactions as this tells me a lot), so after a few excruciating seconds I spoke up and said "We're undefined." And Bryan kind of relaxed and explained to the Chaplain that we're not in a relationship yet but we're leaning towards it.  ... Like when he and I were sharing a joke and laughing our butts off together and his buddy Lee walked up and gave us this weird look and said "Y'all are perfect for eachother."  Yeah.  Awkward.  Especially after the "serious" conversation that we had the night before.

I sent my best friend Suja a facebook message Saturday morning at like 2:30am telling her about the "serious" conversation.  I was crushed for some reason when he said that.  I mean, did I really expect to leave Boone with a boyfriend?  I guess subconsciously I did.  And when he said that he wasn't ready, my subconscious desire was finally acknowledged by my consciousness and the honesty that he gave me hit me so hard because I didn't even realize what I had expected.

You know, meeting a guy and pursuing it reveals a lot about yourself in the process.  You find out if you're cynical, a realist, an optimist.  You find out if you're a hopeless romantic, or whether you believe love is an untangible gift that you don't even know if you've received yet.  You find out whether or not you're honest with yourself (and apparently I missed a detail!).

But anywho.... I digress.  We went up to Beech Mountain to visit, ended up spending the night there, and had a good time.  He was pretty drunk and was a little more touchy-feely with me.  A little more proud to claim me as his.  And boy was he ready to go to bed with me!  Haha.  Oh that ol' boy wanted sex somethin' awful.  But I am proud to report that I maintained self-control and didn't let things get out of hand.  Oh sure I teased (tortured? mwhahaha) the heck out of him (He even said something along the lines of: "You're so mean.  Here I am laying prostrate on this bed wanting you and all you can do is love having such power over me."  Well it was true.  Tehehe).  But no matter how much he begged and attempted "the slip", he was thwarted.

I woke up to a still-naked Bryan (and I was still fully clothed!) and the most beautiful sunrise I've seen in a long time.  The hotel was at the peak of a mountain, so the views were breath-taking.  And there was about 2 feet of fresh snow on the ground from the previous night...  So it was spectacular. 

Being in the mountains made me miss them.  I hadn't been to the mountains in probably three years.  And visiting... I felt them calling me home.  I've always loved the mountains more than I loved the beach, so it's ironic that I live so near the coast and so far from the mountains.  But the beauty...  Pictures don't do it justice.  Nor do words.

But Suja responded to my message, and just reading her reassuring words calmed my anxiety about Bryan quite a bit.  I realized that I probably over reacted (although can you blame a girl?  I mean, I realized in the instant that I wanted something I couldn't have all in the same time.  Talk about psychological warfare!).  And this visit...  Well it raised some thoughts...

-  Sure.  I've done long distance relationships before.  But do I want one now?  Can I handle the separation?
-  He's a freshman in college.  He's going to want to go out and party and I can't blame him for that.  Will that bother me?  Take a negative toll on me and our...relationship?
-  When we were alone, we didn't do much talking.  Is not having anything to talk about a bad sign?
-  He wasn't very touchy feely.  Granted this might just be his personality, or is it a sign that he's not that into me?

Aside from the slow conversation, he and I are very compatible when it comes to our personalities.  Our chemistry is boiling over.  So in that aspect, we would be a good couple (I don't say perfect because perfect doesn't exist).  But the other aspects... They make me hesitant to get into a relationship with him.  And the fact that he said that he's not ready -- that is good for me.  I shouldn't have freaked out.  Because this will give me time to decide whether or not it is really right for me.

I do wish I could go back and change how I reacted Friday night to the "serious talk."  But what's done is done.  If he can't accept me (like me, or someday love me) inspite of my tendency to react without thoughtful consideration, then he's not the guy for me.  So, I throw up my hands at my mistake, and recognize his un-readiness as a welcome blessing.  And I'll slowly make my way home to the coast today with a heart that is content, that got answers she didn't even realize she was looking for, and a renewed vigor to achieve my dreams and return to the Piedmont or the Foothills someday. 

Just one last little blip...  If you haven't seen the mountains covered in fresh snow, with sunshine and blue skies... You don't know what crisp really is.  This is a beauty that every soul should seek out if it isn't in their backdoor.  This is a solitude, a peace, a comfort that will overwhelm any fears or anxieties.

The Story of Job

I am always trying to better myself.  To make myself more well read, more educated. And one way I'm doing this is to do Bible Studies with more frequency.  I'm aiming for every day, but am content with 3 times a week. 

If you haven't heard of YouVersion, you need to check it out.  It's an online Bible community that is amazing.  There are reading plans that you can choose from to help guide you through the Bible.  You can choose your preferred translation.  You can mark verses and journal about what you read.  You can read other's journals about the same scripture or about different scripture.  Churches have plugged in to upload their messages that have been recorded each week, so if you need to hear God's word, you can.  It is an amazing source.  They even have an application for your phone!!  I have it on my BlackBerry.

But today's reading in my reading plan (I'm doing Chronological) was about the story of Job.  About how God was put to bet by Satan about the loyalty of Job.  First Satan took his wealth, then his family, then his health.  All in a test to see if Satan could take Job from God.

And the story is truly inspiring.  There are some verses I'd like to share with you:

We bring nothing at birth; we take nothing with us at death. The Lord alone gives and takes
Job 1:21

 If we accept blessings from God, we must accept trouble as well
Job 2:10

Our suffering isn’t caused by the failure of crops;  it’s all part of life, like sparks shooting skyward.
Job 5: 6-7
 
He may cause injury and pain, but he will bandage and heal your cuts and bruises.
Job 5: 18
 

12 Step Program

Packing

I have so much to do.  Including: plan class for Thursday morning, clean apartment, clean car, pack.

What do I have to pack?

-PJ's
-Cute Clothes
-Warm Clothes (I'm going to the freaking mountains)
-Boots
-Sneakers
-Fake Uggs (?)
-Hair dryer
-Hair straightener
-Make Up
-Shower needs (including lotion because men don't use lotion and my skin will be dry as heck)
-Laptop, iPod, GPS, camera(s)
-Dinner for Thursday night on the road
-Dirty laundry to wash at Meghan's
-Thermals (we're going to the blue ridge!)
-Sweatshirt
-North Face
-Sweaters
-Scarf and Hat
-Drinking games
-Underwear

Am I forgetting anything??  I hope that's "it"...  Haha.  So much to pack and take... :(  ::sigh::