Change in Expectations, Change in Missions.

It never fails with me--my assumptions and plans are often altered by forces out of my control.  This particular change has been in the books for about a week now.  But I needed a lot more time than usual to allow myself to settle.  Because it's not a welcome change.

As a bit of a background/history, in my school program, we are required to go on four clinicals throughout the curriculum.  In the last semester, there are two clinicals back to back: a 4 week long clinical and a 6 week long clinical.  For my previous two clinicals I had to travel no less than 45 minutes one way, so I assumed that my last two clinicals would be more local.  Not to mention I'd spoken with the professor who makes the assignments and let her know that I need a local assignment because I have to work no less than 20 hours a week because I support myself.

Well, for the six week long clinical, I was assigned to and given no option out of a clinical 2 hours away from where I reside.  Her logic?  My boyfriend lives only 45 minutes from the site, which is a reasonable commute to her.

Now there are a couple of points in this whole situation that really get under my skin.

1.  She completely disregarded my need to work to support myself, saying I can work on the weekends and on spring break (mind you, I might be able to get 10 hours max on the weekends, and 20 on spring break.  But this doesn't take into account driving back to New Bern on the weekends to work, driving back to Greenville to the boyfriends, then driving to Tarboro everyday!  She essentially wants me to be sleepless and miserable it seems)

2.  My ability to have a say in what clinicals I am assigned was taken away from me.

3.  She is essentially forcing Daniel and I to live together for about a month and a half.  This is a very big decision for a couple to make, whether it be a temporary situation or a permanent situation.  This is a decision that should not be taken lightly, or rushed into.  It should be discussed, considered, weighed, thought out.  But my professor has robbed us of that choice.  We're being rushed into it.  And I really don't like that. It is not her place nor is it her right to assume that we can just co-habitate when I've never lived with a boyfriend before.  And it's not like Daniel and I have been dating for a couple of years.  We just reached the six month mark...

Of course, Daniel is being a champ like he always is and says that I'm more than welcome to stay with him.  But he feels the same way I do:  pissed off that this woman who he doesn't even know is cornering us into a decision we would have never considered beforehand.




Now that I've had a week to simmer down (and boy did I need simmering down!), I feel that I'm able to look at things just a bit more objectively (just a bit; still pissed).  So since I can't change the situation (and believe me I've tried), I'm trying to focus on the positives:

- The site is a great site, where I will have a wide variety of exposures and experiences.
-  Dad has also been a champ and has offered to pay for the gas and food portions of the bills, which cuts my need to work in half.
-  By being two hours away and not able to work during the week, I will be able to focus completely on my internship and not be stressed to get to work on time.  I'll be able to come home after work, relax, review, cook dinner, and get a good nights sleep.
-  This will be a big test of Daniel's and my relationship.  We're kind of getting to that crossroads in our relationship where if you continue the relationship, you're basically agreeing to the long term (and golden rings).  So since we've been kind of a long distance relationship (45 minute drive), this will give us the opportunity to really get to know each other and see if this is as good as we think it is.


I'm still madder than hell at this professor.  But I've been able to separate the irritation, compartmentalize it, and move on/function.

When I spoke to my friend Emily about this (who is oftentimes wiser than her years), she reminded me that God often puts us in these situations to teach us about being resourceful, responsible, and even forgiving.  There's always a lesson.  There's always a reason.  And I might need to be at this location for some greater reason.  This location may change my life in some way.

The point is, I need to give it to God and trust.  And that's what I'm doing.  My fire has calmed, and I'm accepting it.  Since I know my finances are going to be okay (Dad is such a blessing in my life), I can look at the situation and wonder -- what mission am I being sent on?

Quiet Time after a Day of Gratitude

It's late... Too late for me to be up, actually.  School started back today, and it's my last semester of PTA school.  It's pretty incredible and I'm pretty incredulous that the time has gone by so quickly, that so much has happened, that I'm already here.  And yet, so much more is coming, and it's coming at the same lightning speed that the past year has gone: moving (again), finals, clinicals x2, graduation, national board exam, full time job.  All in 7 months time.  Wow.

And as I sit here in my bed under my electric blanket on this chilly and drizzly night with Pandora's Chris Tomlin station playing quietly in the background, I'm able to just absorb.  Absorb what has come, what is to come.  The greatness of God who makes everything come right.  Who protects.  Who guides.  Who comforts.  Who provides.

And today was no exception in the evidence of God's supreme hand.

My last post alluded to just how tight and how tough my budget is right now.  I'm starting back at the bottom, trying to build myself up to prepare for whatever next blow will come (because as Dave Ramsey says, it's not if, it's when).  But today, I received such an unexpected blessing (then again, aren't all blessings unexpected?).  Sunday I was asked to walk a dog by one of my Dog Sitting clients while they went out of town for the day.  I never expected to get paid, and in fact, when I went to walk sweet Sport (the dog), there was no payment.  But I was so happy to see Sport and take him out, that I didn't think twice about it.  Today?  Sport's Mom contacts me and asks me to drop by.  And she hands me $30.  For walking her dog.  I nearly cried.  They are so generous and good to me, and this came at such the perfect time -- when I'm at such a cross-roads that $30 makes that much of a difference.  When I got in my car to leave quaint downtown, all I could do was whisper prayers of thanks, appreciation, and gratitude through my tears.

God Provides.

After class today, I had to work.  So there I am, working on shipment, trying to get the new merchandise prepped and ready to be put out on the floor for sale, when my phone beeps.  Normally, my phone is on silent when I'm at work, so I go to put it on silent and notice that it's a text from Daniel: "Well my car is going to be in the shop.  Just got in a wreck. Yay."  When I was able to speak to him, the story was remarkable to me.  Daniel had been driving in a manner not usual to him -- instead of driving very aggressively and zippy, he was driving slower, with an increased following distance between him and the car in front of him on his way home.  Suddenly, the car in front of him slams on their brakes.  He in turn slams on his brakes, and has no traction.  He can't steer out of it -- a car is in the turning lane.  He has no option but to brace.  And they wreck.  Minimal damage to her car.  $1,800 to his.  But no one was hurt.  The cars didn't have to be towed.  Had he been driving aggressively (as is his norm) on the wet road, this story would have ended much differently.  Again, I offered my quiet prayers and full heart to the Lord.

God Protects.

Like everyday, I was reminded of the power of the Almighty.  But today especially I was demonstrated his supreme power.  To intervene.  

And all I can say is Amen.

Rite of...Cheese??

You know, I think it's a bit of a rite of passage to reach that point in your life where you're trying to just squeak through.  You're working your ass off both in school and in a part time job to provide for your future and to provide for the bills.  And things are tough.  Really tough.  You have no social life. You can't afford one even if you had the time (which you don't).  And you get home one night and you're hungry, so you go into the kitchen to make a grilled cheese.  And the block of cheese is already 2/3 gone.  The block you bought a week and a half ago.  That has to last you another week.  And when it runs out, oh well -- no more grilled cheeses.  Because you can't afford the $2.37 to buy another block.  And that's when it hits you -- you've officially arrived and recognized that you're in that stage, that rite of passage, where you can't even afford cheese.  Where eating becomes less about taste and nutrition and more about getting you through.

But ya know, I gotta admit, I think I'm going to be proud of myself for not only having to go through that rite of passage, but for making it to the other side much better off.

Good choice!

So I had a moment today that was huge.  I am in the midst of getting back to my old, healthy habits (and doing so by counting my calories like I used to).  Well, I'm home and I'm sick and that just leads to bad choices with my food.  And I had a box of off brand cheese-sticks in my freezer.  So in a moment of weakness, I heat them up.  I bring them to the couch to enjoy, and I take a bite....  Hmm.... Not so satisfying.  Maybe the second one will be better?  ...Nope.  Begin the third, these are not worth these calories.  So I throw them away!!!  And I pick up an apple instead.  I was so freaking proud of myself.  And although I felt bad to waste food (particularly on my very strict budget of $50 for food), it kind of felt amazing at the same time to have analyzed my choices, and weighed whether or not it was really that good.  And although I did eat three, I didn't eat the rest.  I chose my health first today :)  Because I need to have calories for dinner! Yeahhhhhh buddy!

Goals Can be Made Any Day of the Year!

For the first time in a long time, my New Years Resolutions do NOT include lofty goals of weight loss or more exercise, mostly because I finally recognize that a goal like that can't be made on a whim, but rather by pure determination.  Every day is a new day and a new start!  Jan 1st is no more special than Jan 3rd, or March 12th or July 29th.  That goal can be made any day.  Any goal can be made any day.

That's why this year, I'm only choosing one thing at a time to conquer.  I'm not creating this long, overwhelming, insurmountable list of things I want to change.  Because those kinds of lists never get accomplished.  And I want to have this idea in my mind that I and anyone can change on any day they choose.  Whether its the first of the year, the first of a month, the first of the week, or freaking Wednesday at 3:27pm.

When my first goal has become a habit (budget! hehe), then I will select another goal to master.

"The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single, small step." (Ad libbed)

Challenge

Well, its the first day f the new year, and my main resolution, making and keeping to a budget, has already been challenged.  I received a letter frm the IRS saying I owed them almost the entire contents of my savings account. Due the 11th.  This knocks my savings down to about $95.  Sighhhhh.

Oh.  AND I start the new year SICK!  The fastest way to rack up some extra grocery shopping bills?  Getting sick.  I've already blown through two bottles of apple juice!  Thank the Lord I already had some NyQuill and DayQuill in stock or that would have been another $20 down the tubes.

But despite this, I am doing my damnedest to stay on budget.  There are a lot of online tools (Dave Ramsey, Mint.com, etc), but I really feel like I have more control if I do it myself the old fashioned way -- with pen and paper.  I'm also considering going to the Dave Ramsey method of cash envelopes per category.  Just going to try and get through January.  I hope that February will come easier.  But if it doesn't, I don't know what I'm going to do... Because people let me tell you: making minimum wage and going to school and sticking to a budget is TOUGH.