Obligatory New Years Post

Wow.  It's New Years Eve already!  And the day is already almost over... 2014 is literally just hours away.  I'm still waiting for the Christmas Spirit to hit me, let alone my emotional preparedness for NEW YEARS! Geesh.

2013 has been a good year -- the best part is that it's been fairly stable.  My relationships have stayed the same.  My job has stayed the same.  My home has stayed the same (thank God! A year without moving).  Only one friend has moved away in 2013, but she moved for a job promotion and to fulfill one of her lifelong dreams.  I was able to see my family more than I had before, and I was able to gift to them in a much more appropriate manner.  My church bought a building, and it has been so nice to be able to contribute more regularly to tithes/offerings.  Probably the biggest events in 2013 was getting engaged in Feb and then buying my first new car in March.  Those were pretty awesome events.  The weight gain in 2013 wasn't too awesome, but oh well.  2013 had spurts of spiritual growth followed by periods of spiritual laziness -- not my proudest.  But the end of 2013 has produced some passion and some pretty awesome dreams that I will be pursuing in 2014...

~ Complete the ACE CPT home study program and pass my exam by April.
~ Enroll in the Metabolic Effect Nutritional Education class by November
~ Pay off my credit card

I also want to:
~ Be 70% adherant to my BeyondFit Meal Plan until I return to a size 10. This also includes completing weighted workouts 3x/week, and running/cardio/dance workouts at least 1x/week.
~ Begin reading more Christian based literature, including books that enhance my spiritual life and ways of living
~ Read 1 chapter in the Bible 3x/week

2014 is also going to be pretty awesome because I'm GETTING MARRIED! :) :) :) :)  Although I'm stoked for this, I realized last night that this means I will be moving away from a church I LOVE, a Bible Study group that I literally can never find again, a job, and some pretty awesome friends I have... It brought me to tears to just think about this...

So thanks 2013 for some much needed stability... 2014, I'm looking forward to the memories! :)

My Motivational Totem

Sitting in traffic earlier today, I was reflecting upon my mindset exercise which I completed last night. The exercise was intended to explore my motivation and the attributes of my heroes that I wanted to emulate. 

The last piece of the exercise called for my to review "my chosen words/attributes" and to choose one word that spoke to my soul, or to find one word that summed those words up nicely. 

Last night, I was unable to find this one powerful and personal word. 

But as I said, I was sitting in traffic today reflecting on the words and attributes I had chosen and had been inspired by. And all of a sudden, THE WORD came to me. 

My motivational totem word is DEVOTED. 

I chose devoted because it accurately sums up: woman of faith/God, good wife/future mother, strong point of view, compassionate, hard working, goal oriented, and striving for success. 

As soon as that word popped into my head, my heart swelled up and my skin got goosebumps. I knew i had it. 

:) 

Now to get it engraved on a necklace as a constant reminder...

I'm a Dreamer who Makes Lists

I'm a list maker.  There's no way to deny it or describe it any other way.  And I'm also a dreamer -- a goal maker, a live-life-to-its-fullest kind of gal.  And I'm okay with it (even though it's resulted in me living life pay check to pay check).

And there are a lot of dreams stirring in my young brain...  So many things I want to do and accomplish and experience.  And I don't know where to start!!

- Take the ACE CPT course/exam (and pass it of course)
- Finish saving up for and paying for my wedding (withOUT a loan or use of credit cards)
- Oh yeah, pay OFF that stupid credit card that I've been wrestling with for a few years now
- Go to Yosemite and Yellowstone
- Go to the Great Sequoia National Park
- READ MORE
- Keep plugging along with my fat loss journey
- Re-dedicate myself to the Dave Ramsey method of living
- Return to DC and experience MORE
- Take biblical classes to immerse myself further into the Word, the Truth, and the Life so that I can be a better Christian, a better woman, and a better vessel of God
- PRAY MORE
- Learn more about American History

Thought Provoking

A friend of mine posted this video on their facebook profile the other day, and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it...



What would you do with the time you have left? What if you had half of that time? A quarter?

Talk about stopping me in my tracks.  Talk about making me rethink my priorities and how I spend my precious free time.  What do I want to accomplish in this life?  What do I want my legacy to be? How do I want to change others and the world around me? What are my talents and am I using them appropriately?  Am I limiting myself?  Am I staying focused on my priorities/goals?

Church -- Where is my heart?

This morning was an amazing day.  The weather was GORGEOUS -- mid 60's with low humidity and not a cloud in the sky.  It was a welcome change from the endless dreary skies and drizzle we've had to suffer through the last week and a half.  And church was just as wonderful -- worship was high energy and they did a couple extra songs (which I LOVEDDD -- worship is the glue that centers and focuses me into the lesson) and then the lesson was spot on.

Dave preached on Isaiah 58, and how the Israelite's celebrated Sabbath with the right actions but the wrong heart.  And how important it is for your heart to be in sync with your actions (and vice versa).  Dave emphasized that we need to evaluate where our heart is and what our heart is asking of us, because God doesn't just inspect our actions but he inspects our hearts more -- just like when he was selecting King David.  David did not look like a King (unlike his brothers), but he had a King's heart, which is why God chose David to be King, and not one of his brothers.

So where is my heart?  What is it calling me to do?

My heart is certainly after my job -- I am in the right career, just maybe not in the right position.  I feel unconnected and disinterested with acute care, but this last week when I was in Rehab, my heart soared for not only the job but for my patients and my coworkers.  I was in better moods and was more motivated than ever (even though I was working harder and longer than I would have been if I were in acute care).  So I'm on the right path with my job.

My heart is not content with my lifestyle.  It's ill at ease with the things I feed my body with... Yet I feed it those terrible things anyway.  My heart is yearning for change in this department, and I'm excited to report that I'm on my way in this journey.  And that's all I'm going to say about that right now.  :)

My heart is not pleased with my financial state.  Not at all.  I've let the world enter and take over my actions, and I've put things before goals.  Time to re-focus my decisions on money.  (Pulls out the old budget folder...)

My heart is anxious about marriage.  Anxious in a good way -- anxious ready.  However also anxious nervous, not so much about the getting married part, but about the uncertainty of where we will live.  Daniel's had a rough couple of weeks that may have put in jeopardy everything he's worked for in his job, which adds even another layer of concern.  Mostly because I recognize that Daniel's heart is not in his current position, as he yearns for another one.  His heart is not content which affects my heart.

But one thing my heart is definitely begging me to do is to spend more time with God; to deepen the relationship I have with Him and to enrich it through devotion, prayer, and study.  This is quite possibly one task that is the most intimidating to me.  Not because I don't think God cares, but because I know he will see the hidden side of me, the things that I'm not proud of.  Andy Stanley said once that the bigger our fall, the greater the grace.  And boy is that amazing and in-comprehensible all at the same time.

Holy Moly it's OCTOBER!!!!!!!!!!!!  I've got 11 months until I get married.  Two months until Christmas (eee!).  Cooler temperatures are on their way (can't wait to pull out the sweaters and comfy clothes and boots and scarves and hats and coats).

MumFest is this weekend (Kelley is visiting!).  The Bridge Run and the State Fair are the weekend after that.  Then about a month later will be Leah's graduation in Quantico (which also means a side trip to DC!!!! Hope the government shutdown is over by then...I've got memorials and museums to see!).

And amongst all this? Work work work work!  Have I mentioned that I'd love to have a third job?  I might be crazy, but I love to work. :)  I love to make progress towards financial goals.  And I have a lot of financial goals!

This is my life.  One event after another with work weeks in between.  Wouldn't have it anyother way!

1 Small Step at a Time...

No temptation has overtaken you except that which is common to man. And God is faithful -- he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear.  And when you are tempted, he will provide a way out so that you can endure it.   - 1 Corinthians 10:13

Creating a change in ones lifestyle is not easy.  And for me, it is not fast.  It's a painful, slow, difficult, and emotional process.  But that verse has provided me with quite a bit of strength, courage, and patience.  I am not expecting perfection out of myself. Just slow progress.

Last week I made major progress in cutting out nearly all sodas and switching back to waters and BCAA enhanced waters.
I also made progress in packing my lunches and EATING them! (I had such a bad habit of packing a lunch and then choosing not to eat it in favor of the bad-for-me-yum-yums from the cafeteria).
I also made progress in more regular workouts.

So what's on my list for this week?
Incorporating green tea into my daily consumption.

Why Green Tea?
"Green tea contains many good (and hard to pronounce) phytonutrient compounds that are able to interact with your metabolism at the level of your liver and fat cells.  Green tea helps women burn more fat, specifically from the lower body." - BeyondFit Physiques

My body and my mind and my spirit are all tired.  Yet I'm wide awake, with the necessary energy to begin my day.  Which began 2.25hrs ago at 430am.  I've worked out, showered, packed my lunch, prepped for my exercise class that I'll teach in 45 mins, and then I'll head immediately to my 9-5 job where I will face a very busy day, working with patients who largely are not interested in getting better.

Does the last part of that sentence give you a clue about why I may be tired and burnt out?

Working with people who are tired, in pain, lazy, and full of excuses is draining.  It's draining to be their ray of sunshine 100%.  It's draining to be whatever it is that they need in every single instant -- whether that's tough love, compassion, or a listening ear.  It's draining to figure out what it is that they need in each instant.  I'm not a mother yet, but I believe I may be experiencing some similarities.  Except it's the work without the rewards of a cuddle of a child or a laugh of a child.

Working with alcoholics, schizophrenics, those that are depressed, those with fibromyalgia, those that are just plain lazy...  It's not easy, nor is it very rewarding.

Yet I have to find my drive.
I have to perform.

For at least 11 more months.

Budgeting.

I have fallen out of the habit of religious and intentional budgeting.  I guess I need to put myself back through Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University to revive my passion for it.  But tonight I decided to sit down and budget out the rest of the year (yes -- I just said budget out for the REST OF THE YEAR).  Why?

Well I journaled a few days ago (that's right -- I both blog AND journal) about how there is so much of this nation and this world that I want to see and experience, and how it's time for me to just bite the bullet and start knocking some of these things off my to-do list.  It's time for me to start exploring!  It's time for me to be an adult and DO WHAT I WANT!

So the first place I want to travel to is Washington DC.  I've never been to my own nations' capital (I've been to Canada's capital, I've been to England's capital, but I haven't even been to my own nations' capital! It's shameful), and I want to go.  I'm already taking some extra time off in December -- some of which I'll be using to visit Dad and Meghan in SC for an early Christmas.  And then I'll have several days after that where I don't have any plans.  So why not go ahead and take my trip to Washington DC then?  It'll be decorated for Christmas!  (hopefully there won't be any snow storms...)  DC is only about a 5.5hr drive from where I live, so this is a relatively easy trip to begin my travels with -- I don't have to worry about booking flights or ANYTHING like that.

But before I set my heart on traveling to DC, I needed to know if I could afford such a trip on such short notice.  Hence the budgeting frenzy.

And here's about how I felt:

I felt incredibly aware of money.  And I'm not going to lie -- I felt somewhat defeated by the numbers.  Not so much because I couldn't afford a trip to DC (because with $870 budgeted I believe I can afford it), and not so much because I can't afford any Christmas gifts ($470 sounds like a lot, but spread amongst about 10 people, it doesn't end up as much), but because I realized just how little wiggle room I have.  And how I really need to be very careful and conscious of how/where I spend my money.

Dave Ramsey spoke in FPU about how budgets aren't there to LIMIT us, but they're there to EMPOWER us.  This lecture was so long ago (nearly 2 years ago to be exact) that the passion and belief in this statement has faded.  And frankly, I feel quite limited.  I feel quite insignificant.  And I worry that I'm living outside of my means (but how in the world I could cut back is beyond me -- I'm pretty bare basics folks -- that much HAS stuck with me from FPU).

I suppose I need to look at the fact that I AM meeting all my goals. I'm tithing.  I'm saving for the wedding.  I'm saving for Christmas.  I'm saving for vehicle taxes (ick -- dreading that).  I'm paying more than the minimum on both my car and my credit card.  And I've found a way to put a little extra money aside (unfortunately at the sacrifice of a fuller wedding fund) to potentially fund a trip to DC.

But now that I know just how much I'd be putting towards the trip instead of putting towards the wedding, I wonder if it's the right thing to do?

Love the Green!

This weekend, I was blessed to spend some time with Daniels grandpa -- his maternal grandfather who lives nearby, but whom we don't see very often.  On one hand, this is a shame, but on the other hand, grandpa has a LOT of personality and a LOT of opinions.  So small doses spread out over time is sometimes necessary.

HOWEVER we had some great conversation.  Grandpa may be opinionated, but he is very wise and experienced in the ways of how tough the world can be -- and he has excellent financial advice.  Despite the tough judgments he passes on his family, one thing that he said really struck me.  He was talking about one of his other grandsons when he said "If he'd just put away $10 every pay check into a savings account, in 10 years he'd have $2,600 (plus interest)."  Now this may not seem like a lot of money, but the principle is this -- I need to go ahead and start saving for certain things in life that are going to come.  At some point in the future, I'm going to need to purchase a new car -- this is just a fact of life.  So why not go ahead and start saving, so that when I do have to make such a purchase, I don't have to finance much if anything at all??  Same concept with purchasing a home -- why not go ahead and start putting money aside so that when the time comes, we already have a hefty down payment ready.  And same concept with children!  We want to have them, so why not go ahead and start squirreling away some money to help out when they arrive??

So this is one thing that I want to start implementing!  More savings!

All this thought about smart money choices really makes me want to put my Dave Ramsey CD's on and listen to the wisdom flow!

Now if only I knew more about investments so that I could really maximize my money....
And if only I could find a third small job to help the money flow in!

A Year of Crafting... And Work.

Hard to believe it, but in 2 weeks I will have reached my "one year anniversary" of working as a PTA professional!  In that year I've gotten engaged, gained some weight, re-dedicated myself to my faith, purchased a wedding dress, dealt with drama, been able to visit my grandparents TWICE (something I couldn't have afforded prior to this job), paid off my student loan, bought a car, visited my Dad and sister TWICE (something I couldn't have afforded prior to this job), begun regular tithing, and become more acquainted with my self and my style.  It's been one heck of a year!  A year that has challenged me professionally, personally, emotionally, and spiritually.

But lately, my passion and free time has been invested in crafty activities. :)  Seriously, I'm obsessed. (Which is a good passion to have when you're trying to plan a budget wedding!!  Will come in handy soon...)  I'm working on crocheting an afghan as a wedding present to Daniel and I.  I'm enjoying teaching myself to quilt with the tutorials provided by Sewn.  Donna and I have played around with fake flowers as bridesmaid bouquets (no final project yet; just playing around with concepts and arrangements and colors).  And I've done quite a bit of scrapbooking this year.  Oh, and did I mention I've also been trying my hand at some gardening?? (Most recently planting my first ever rose bush)

It's been a year of crafting!  And I wouldn't have it any other way!

Just some of the things I've worked on...

7 days later...

It's been 7 days since my last post, where I really talked about being in the pits.  Emotionally, professionally, physically... Rough barely even scratched the surface in describing how I felt about life, about myself, and about where I was headed.

It's amazing what a difference a week can make in your life...

• I have continued my morning Bible study routine -- this coupled with worship/praise music at any opportunity has made a big impact on my outlook on life.  I may not be super confident, but I am happy, I am hopeful, and I am grateful for the blessings that I have in my life.  This is a big step forward in combating such a negative mindset.

• I have begun tracking my food using myfitnesspal.com.  Not so much for strict calorie counting, but to simply help keep me accountable and aware of how I am treating/fueling my body.  It has really made a difference in my food choices the last week.  And I really enjoy using this tool.  It has a phone app, so I can track anywhere.

• I have also made a conscious effort to do something active every day.  Some days it's a butt kicking BeyondFit Physiques BLT workout (seriously -- you have GOT to check out this group.  Yes, I am a part of the staff, but being in the middle of my own battle, these workouts and this support group has made such a positive impact on me -- BeyondFit Physiques Blog/Website to learn more about the company and read the blog or BeyondFit Life to sign up for access to monthly workout plans and nutrition -- the BeyondFit Life is what has made the difference for me!  I don't normally give the "Hey, check this out" endorsement, but seriously, it's wonderful.), somedays it's a Zumba class (they're so much fun), someday's it's a nice walk with a friend, and someday's it's a therapeutic run in the neighborhood.  Today my "activity" happened to be 4 hours of deep cleaning my room, but that's not a normal occurance.  Just as long as I do something.

• I have made the decision to pack (and eat) my lunch for work everyday.  This has really helped cut out a lot of the junk and control portions.  Not to mention I'm avoiding all sodas!

• I am reading You're Already Amazing by Holley Gerth.  I'm hoping this will help boost my confidence in the end, but right now we're at the point of the book that increases my faith, gratitude, and awareness of who I am.  I highly recommend this book also!

• I am trying to be quieter.  Not literally, but metaphorically.  I'm trying to be more peaceful, more in tune with my surroundings and my blessings, and more alert for God's whispers.

Good grief!!! It wasn't until I started writing down what I've done this week to change that I realized how much I had accomplished!  Wow... I'm more than surprised with myself.  But it's payed off -- I'm down 2 pounds and just slightly more confident.  :)

One of those...Seasons

Ever have "one of those weeks" where nothing seems to go right, all you can do is doubt yourself, you're so busy that you start questioning what your priorities are, and where all you want to do is crawl into bed and just stay there?

Yeah.  I'm there.

Except, it's been "one of those seasons" as opposed to just "one of those weeks."

I don't want to say that I'm depressed -- depression is not a topic that I take lightly or a word that I use easily.  Many members of my family have been struck by this disease and I've seen it's effects first hand -- so I don't want to diminish their experiences by using such a powerful label to describe myself.  However one thing is for certain... I am way off the beaten path that is normally "me."

And the last couple of days have really been rough.  Emotionally.  Mentally.  Confidently.  Professionally.

Just plain rough.

I've been in this mind set only once before in my life.  The summer before my senior year of college, where a break up sent my world reeling.  I lost all concept of who I was.  It was awful.  So much doubt, insecurity, fear...  Not to mention weight gain.  And I'm there again...  Priorities all twisted, life feeling somewhat upside down, the mundane day-to-day necessities even seem overwhelming.

Wah wah wah, right?
Put on your big girl panties and deal with it, Blair.

So today I began a habit that was put on the back burner -- morning Bible study after my workout.  And what a difference that made in today!  Positive attitude, confidence in my abilities and knowledge as a professional, empathy and patience.

So that was nice...  A good place to begin the re-organization of myself and my priorities.  And I pray that it's the beginning of the passing of this "season."

Weekend Recap

What a weekend!  I took a whirlwind trip to Wrightsville Beach, leaving home on Saturday morning and returning home Sunday mid afternoon, to witness and celebrate the marriage of one of my college friends.  I was really looking forward to this event for several reasons...

1.  An excuse to stay in a beach front hotel (even if only for 24 hours)
2.  An excuse to get away with the fiance on something that's actually like a vacation!
3.  Seeing many old friends from college that I haven't seen in a long time
4.  Witnessing a Jewish wedding ceremony (I'd never seen one before) of a college friend
5.  The delicious food for both hors devours as well as for dinner
6.  An open bar
7.  Being around a group of people that enjoy having fun and make everything fun wherever they go

It was a gorgeous hotel with beautiful views, the food was exquisite, the drinks were strong, and the laughs and dancing was plentiful.

Daniel had more than his fill of drinks, and paid the price today.  Unfortunately this put a damper on my hopes of spending more time on the beach and of spending some quality time exploring downtown Wilmington.  But I had such a good time seeing so many friends from college...

And my goodness... Being able to wake up and walk out onto my ocean front balcony and read with the sound of waves in the back ground??  Pure magic for me...

Relationships (with anyone)

I don't really understand why some people make relationships so difficult and complicated.  The people who thrive on this style of relationship also thrive on having the "upper hand," and thus rely on manipulation to get/have what they want.  So instead of an actual healthy relationship, it becomes something more sinister.  That sucks out the energy, positivity, and joy of having a relationship with that person.

In most situations, relationships like these begin voluntarily and innocently.  Friends.  Or maybe as a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.  And then when the relationship goes south, they can't walk away from a terrible lifestyle because they have begun to believe the lies of the "upper hand."

I empathize with those in relationships like these.  Not because my main squeeze treats me this way (he  most certainly doesn't).  But because I have a relationship with someone who I can never sever ties to (aka: a family member) who loves to have a difficult and complicated relationship.

I could write for hundreds of pages about this relationship.  And I have probably already written several posts about this person and our relationship already.

I won't go into specific details, because God teaches me to honor and love.  Which is why it's so difficult for me to understand this relationship.  To honorably and truthfully interact in this relationship. Because I truly feel as if the works and efforts are not reciprocated.  I truly feel consistently let down in this relationship.

So what is involved in a relationship?  Here are my thoughts on what a relationship (with anyone mind you) should include....

- Communication.  You have to talk to each other on a fairly regular basis -- both about important/serious things, as well as light hearted things.

- Time.  You have to spend time with each other, building memories and stories.

- Trust.  You have to be able to trust the person with the serious/important details with your life and know that they will be there for you when you need them.

- Comfort.  You have to be able to feel comfortable being around a person.  You can't have a relationship with someone who gives you the willies all the time.

- Respect.  You have to be able to respect each other's needs, space, and decisions in life.  You won't always agree with what someone does/says, but you have to be able to respect their decisions.

- Love.  You have to be able to love and care for a person to be in a relationship with them -- and most of the time, this love is the source of respect for a decision you disagree with.

- Effort.  You both have to put in time and effort to reach out to one another and build/strengthen a relationship.

- Courtesy.  Courtesy of each other's differing beliefs, courtesy of each other's sensitivies.

- Sacrifice.  So often you need to sacrifice for the other person.  Sometimes this comes in the form of time -- sacrificing your time to spend with the person who needs you.  It's not always about you.

- Desire.  Desire to have a relationship with someone.

- Inclusion.  You have to include each other in your lives.  Granted you can't invite everyone to everything, but you need to include a particular person in plans and activities that are appropriate for the relationship.

- Open-ness.  You have to be open and honest with those you are in relationship with.  But you also have to balance the levels of open-ness with honoring your other relationships.

Books.

Yesterday I finished the first real book I've read in a year.  That's right. A year.

How horrible!  I can't believe that I have gone this long without substantial literature in my life, that challenged me, enriched me, and touched my heart.

I used to be such a book worm.  And right now, I've got the itch again.  I've got my next book ready and lined up for me! :)

I just finished Cross Roads by Wm Paul Young.
I am about to begin The Lost Symbol by Dan Brown.

After that, who knows?!  Maybe I'll finally start tackling that Books Wish List on my Amazon account :)

The Ponderings from a Day Off

It's a beautiful early summer day here in Eastern NC.  There are barely any clouds in the sky -- only the light wispy ones are visible -- there's a regular breeze, it's in the mid 80's with low humidity (I won't be singing this tune come the end of June), and I am propped up in a hammock under the shade of the back patio.  My view?  More than I could ask for in a suburban setting.  I have seen more birds fly by and land near today than I have any other day.  There's green grass in the back yard, a retention pond to my left (which actually lends a more scenic and pleasurable view with it's presence), and trees in the background.

I love trees.  Big, old, leafy trees.
Maybe that's why I enjoyed being a camp counselor at CSR for so many years -- the camp was nestled in the middle of a hardwood forest.  Oaks, maples, ash, and elms -- only the occasional pine was seen. Valleys in between the hills, typically with a stream trickling through with frogs and bees.  It was difficult to not find a peaceful spot on that property.

I've spent most of my afternoon in this hammock.  Alternately reading (currently about 2/3 of the way through Wm. Paul Young's new book Cross Roads and loving it) and checking facebook (where I found out I was volun-told to participate in a Mile Long Burpee Challenge.  I think I might die lol).

I am not sure why this hammock and this view holds such potent healing powers, but I am not going to question it.  It doesn't take long in this hammock before I become intensely introspective and not necessarily moody, but unsettled with where I am emotionally.  My mindset isn't right.

Self deprecation has abounded lately.  Guilt.  Negativity.  Dislike of my body.  Followed by sadness and depression about the "long way back" to where I was only two years ago, about how much work and dedication it will take.  Followed by the sense that I will never make it, that I'm 'doomed' to be this lumpy round version of me for the rest of my life -- that I'm becoming my mother.  Followed by further downward emotional spirals and emotional binge eating.

But here in this hammock, there is peace.



This morning, I removed all the clothes from my dresser and closet and under-bed bins that no longer fit because my waist line (and all other lines for that matter) has expanded past their capacities.  I folded them neatly, sorted them clearly, and placed them ceremoniously into large plastic storage tubs that have been "abandoned" in the garage.  Cathartic on one hand -- getting the constant reminder that I'm 'too much' for these clothes and the sense of decreased self-worth out of my daily view and life experience.  Depressing on the other hand -- so many clothes, so many cute clothes gone; my remaining 'wardrobe' is pathetic at best.

I put them in the garage as opposed to donating them to Goodwill or Salvation Army for one massive reason -- I'm not willing to give up on myself, I'm not willing to give up the dream that I will be able to one day wear those cute clothes again.  Not willing?  Not ready?  Same difference right now.



I am not sure why I go through such large emotional mountains every few years.  I get a healthy lifestyle, love it, find fulfillment in it, then somehow I lose it.  All of it.  Big time.

And then it's a fight to get back.

A very slow, painful, never ending game of tennis.



But one thing is very clear to me.  It's time to work.  Time to work on me.  Mind, body, and soul.  Time to spend more time in the hammock.  Time to spend more time in the Word.  Time to spend more time eliminating the negativity and creating self confidence.  Time to spend more time being active.  Time to spend less time eating junk.



Broken record?  Yes.  But I will continue to write about what is present in my life.  The struggles that I am experiencing.  I have to -- it helps me work through it.  And I will continue being a broken record until I can finally move the needle on the record player forward to the next song.

But in the meantime, I'm going to enjoy this beautiful day in the comforting embrace of this rope hammock.

This fat loss journey is hard for me.  It's not that I'm craving candy or sweets or anything.  Thank the Lord that phase has passed. Now I want anything and everything bread related.

I am not doing so well with this phase of cravings.
I am giving in from time to time.
Allowing my emotions and desires to rule what I fuel my body with.

And every time I indulge, I admit that it wasn't worth it.  It wasn't that good.

I guess this means I'm getting closer.  That I'm making progress.
But it's frustrating at the same time.

Frustrating that I'm still struggling.
Frustrating that my progress has been as slow as it has.
Frustrating that my toning and shaping isn't visually demonstrating what I feel; how much stronger I have become and how much better I feel.

Le Sigh.

On top of all of this, I am dealing with emotions of inadequacies.  Inadequacies that I'm too big.  That I'm not professional enough.  That I don't know enough.  That I'm not sharp enough.  Inadequate sums it all up in one word.

It's All in the Attitude

There are a lot of things in this life I have to be grateful for.  Working weekends is tough to turn into a blessing (I mean, let's be honest -- it blows).  But having my man come down for a night, take me out to dinner, treat me to some high dollar beer, and be able to cuddle with.... That is something to be grateful for.

He isn't perfect, but boy he sure is the best.

Yesterday was a rough day for me psychologically.  I did not want to be at work -- I was pissed off that it was my turn.  Mad at the world is an understatement.  But after about 30mins at work, one of my favorite quotes popped into my head:

Life is 10% what happens to it and 90% your attitude about it.

And as soon as I fixed my attitude and focused on each individual patient instead of the chore of having to work, my day turned around and ended up being a pretty awesome day.  Although I still hate working weekends.

I know no workplace is perfect.
And for the most part, I really enjoy my workplace.
But I'm kind of looking forward to moving on to the next one (in 1.5 years).

Go somewheres else with your high-and-mighty

I am beyond annoyed.  We spend 35 minutes of our 43minute long conversation talking about YOU.  I bring up how crazy and ridiculous my day was, and yet you once again turn MY day into conversation about YOU.

A.N.N.O.Y.E.D.

Do not belittle me.
Do not blow off my frustrations and make them less than what they are.

Go be self absorbed at the gym, because I'm done with it on the phone.

Knowledge Needs Action

Knowledge does not guarantee success.

You can know all the tips and tricks, you can know what you should and shouldn't do, you can know how your body responds to certain stimuli.  But if you don't enact this knowledge (which is inert) into action, that knowledge is basically useless.

I went to college for four years and studied exercise.
I have taught exercise classes on the side for the past three years.
I know what you have to do to change your physique.

But I have not been dedicated to putting this knowledge into practice.

I will be "on program" for 5-10 days, then a weekend will come around that is full of social events and go-go-go-go, and boom.  My knowledge bows down to cravings and desires.

Now, lifestyle is not about deprivation.
It's about making common sense choices and not having a "cheat meal" every other day.

But I am not doing so good with this...  I am living in mediocrity and accepting the fast and easy route that leads to temporary satisfaction of a mental desire but leads to long term guilt, regret, and negative impact on my body's functioning and physique.

So my action goals for the rest of the week (and that means through Sunday!) are going to be simple:
1.  Eat good to feel good
2.  Move with purpose each day
3.  Go to bed on time

Yes, I'm sure I've shared these goals before, but I have to write them down.  I have to share them.  Otherwise, they don't exist.


Lordy lordy lordy.
This is seriously a journey, this "lifestyle" thing.  It's long.  It's frustrating.  I'd like to say I'm making progress, but I am not sure that I am.

One step at a time, Blair.  One step at a time.

There is a Time For Everything... Including Rest.

Just like you need to dedicate yourself to your workouts to meet your goals, you also need to rest to allow your body to recover from your workouts to meet you goals.

And last night/this morning was my rest period.

This week's routine of staying up too late (past 10pm), waking up way before dawn (430am), and hitting the gym for weight lifting and sprint training (5-530am and/or 530-6am), coupled with some very long and draining work days (I'm talking 10 hour days here), had left me exhausted.

I knew it was time to get some serious sleep/rest.  I put myself to bed at 830pm last night and gave myself the morning off from the gym/weights... The end result? 10 glorious hours of much needed deep sleep.

Despite me taking the morning off, I won't be taking the day off. :)  Planning on heading to the gym this evening for a quick sweat sesh then later getting in some quality yoga time for some flexibility training.

I am going to do this.  I am going to get there.

Body Image??

The concept of 'body image' is confusing to me.  The concept of my body image is down right impossible for me to figure out.

I don't feel "fat", maybe slightly fluffier than I used to be.  But I don't feel fat.

When I close my eyes and picture myself, what I see there is not at all like what photographs show.

So often the pictures taken of me reflect an image I don't identify with.  That's not me.  I don't look like that.  I certainly don't feel like what that looks like.

How do you merge the concept of how you feel inside with the reality of what you look like??

It is so confusing.

It leaves me feeling unsettled with my confidence -- unsure of whether or not I feel the way I actually feel about my body.  Yes, there is fat on me, I am not an elite athlete or body builder.  Yes, I have some "cottage cheese" on my thighs.  But I don't feel like my size is outrageous.  Pictures tell a different story.

And then I see pictures like this one on social media like Pinterest: 

This girl is freaking killing it in the confidence department.  I mean, she is rocking her curves and she looks like she's proud of them.  And that is awesome.

Although I don't feel fat, I certainly don't have the confidence to do what that girl did.  No way jose.  So then I wonder, well maybe I do feel as "fat" as the pictures of me show.

This is my thought process.  Circling around and around and around in my head, trying to figure out how I feel about my body, and really getting no where.  Maybe this is why I've stagnated and haven't been able to make physique progress -- because I can't decide whether or not I'm okay with being my size/shape.  When I ask myself what it will take to feel good about my body, I cannot come up with an answer.  I simply don't know what it would take to feel confident enough to take a picture like that (even privately).

Oops.

Two days of unclean eating is a sure way to remind me why I don't want to eat that way.  I feel sick, bloated, nauseous, tired/less energetic, and a whole lot grumpier than I should be.  It's amazing how a little junk food affects more than just my weight.

The sad thing is, just a couple days of being 'off program' has left me feeling lots of cravings and a decreased focus on being true to myself and honoring this temple that God has given me.  It's going to be a fight to eat right today...

But I love some of JillFit's tweets in this situation: (seriously -- if you tweet, you need to follow this girl. She is awesome)
- I don't care what you weigh, your body is still a masterpiece. The great thing is that you can always make it stronger, better, and happier. (Retweeted from Richard Simmons)
- If we want support from others, often *we* have to own our stuff first. Embrace your journey, and let affirmation come later :)
- Kindness >>>>>>>>>>>>>
- There's no one best nutrition plan. There's only YOUR plan--what will work for you. Stop being a dieter & become a detective.
- Your future physique is being created at your very next meal! #choices

Fuck You Fat.

I don't know what else can elicit simultaneous feelings of determination/motivation as well as heart-break/disgusted.  Only one thing can:  trying on last years "fat shorts" only to find that they are all too small.  Holy fuck that sucks.

::raises hand:: This is me right now.

In the midst of making the positive changes, making what feels like progress (even on the scale! -4lbs), and then I get punched in the stomach.  Hard.  Take my breath away and sink to my knees in pain hard.  Talk about discouragement.  Talk about embarrassment.  Talk about feeling like a failure.

And in the same breath, it is the most motivating thing that has happened to me in about a week.  I refuse to be like this, to surrender to the feelings of failure and self-doubt.  I will not yield to this devil.  This devil will be beaten -- no no no.  His ass is about to get WHOO'PED.  Devil, you think that can stop me?! HAH!  You clearly don't know me.

This makes me even more proud of myself for having gotten up at 430am to go workout this morning.  To have killed it at Bikini Boot Camp with the girls this morning.  To have been dripping with sweat and sprawled on the floor by the end.  That's right.  I committed murder this morning -- OF MY FAT CELLS!

And yes, it will not be an instant change.  And yes, I am struggling.  BUT I WILL DO THIS.  For myself.  For Daniel.  For my health.  For my future.  For the weddings I will attend this summer.  For my wedding next year.  For pride.  For confidence.  To prove that I can do it.  Again.  To achieve that healthy lifestyle where I enjoy working out and where I don't crave sweets and junk food.  I WILL DO THIS.

Get ready Devil.  You done drawn the last straw.  I will not get abused by your negativity any longer. Fuck off, fat.

And with my new tankini on hand, you won't stop me from going to the beach either.  Even if I am that girl -- the beached whale.

My broken record of frustration continues... Frustration with my size, how I feel, how I look.  Frustration with choosing the right way to fix it.  Frustration with everything that has to be done.

So I have to revert back to my positive affirmations to keep me on the straight and narrow for today.  Sigh.

And I think I need to remove the scale.  It's a negative influence.

The Slap of Reality

I mean, I knew I'd gained some weight in the last year.  I could feel it.  And I knew I'd lost my mojo when it comes to working out and living healthy.

But I was not prepared for what hit me tonight.

I went shopping for an Easter dress.  I went to four different stores.  The story isn't about the fact that spring time dresses this year are at an all time low point in fashion.  The story is that everything I tried on had to be a size 14.

I have not been this size since junior year in college.
I swore I would never return to this size.

HOW DID I NOT SEE THESE POUNDS BEFORE TONIGHT?!

I felt terrible.  Nothing looked or felt cute.  I felt like a marshmallow trying to squeeze into a straw.  My self confidence hit an all time low.

And although I've already begun dieting (well, healthy eating) and better exercise habits (and even seen some positive changes on the scale), I was shocked.  I have had enough.  I cannot live like this any longer -- with no energy, no drive for life, no confidence, and nearly no clothes that fit.  If I weren't already on a new way of living, I would have changed tonight.  But tonight only cemented in my brain that I can no longer make excuses and "let it slide."

It's do or die time.
Because if I keep going down that path of no sensible living, it could very well kill me.

The Starting Line

Good grief.  How far down this black hole of increased pounds (and we're not talking muscle here -- we're talking good ol' fluff) and decreased self-confidence am I going to allow myself to fall??  How much further am I going to go before I throw my hands up in defiance and begin to rebel??

I pray that I am at that point.  I am officially at the heaviest weight I've been in 5 years.  And I hate it.  I feel awkward, unattractive, miserable, not confident, somewhat depressed, "less than," and bloated.

I have most definitely lost my "workout groove."  I used to love to workout, and was able to challenge myself to the point where I would be sore the following day.  Now?  My workouts are sporadic and although I am breathless and sweaty, I am not sore.  Not to mention I know that I am choosing the easier modifications and I know that I am cutting my workouts entirely too short to do myself any good.

I have also most definitely lost my love of healthy foods, appropriate portions, and smart choices.  My diet is full of rich foods -- read: high in calories, high in carbs, high in sugar.  My portions are out of control.  My addiction to sweets is back with a vengeance. I eat so quickly I barely taste what I'm eating and then am so hungry for taste that I eat more.

I've had the breakdown that usually ushers in change with Daniel.  (Poor guy had to witness my breakdown on the phone and bear with me through it)  I've begun tracking my calories and tracking my weight.  I've switched from my sugary sodas to water 90% of the time.  I'm trying to figure my workouts out...

But this is not enough.  And these images are imprinting the importance of getting myself straightened out NOW:

So.... Tomorrow... It's a new day.  I'm no longer on vacation at my grandparents.  I have no excuses anymore.  I have my lunch pre-cooked and in the fridge.  I have a fancy new water bottle to use (it has a straw!).  There's a Zumba class tomorrow evening at the gym (I go because I have so much fun with it!).  I even have the ingredients for my filling (but light) breakfast.

Tomorrow will be a good day.
I can do this.

Because I can't keep doing what I've been doing -- not a moment longer.

Not What I Expected

It has been quite a weekend...  Throughout the weekend I have felt: emotional, frustrated, disappointed, hurt, mad, sad, hopeful, refreshed, scared, confused, loved, on guard.  Like I said, it has been quite a weekend.  And it has left me exhausted.  I am still hurt.  I am now on guard, with my walls up.  But I am committed to this person and the relationship that I have with them.

So I am drained.  I am just so...

Sigh.

So I turn to God, to His word, my studies of His word to guide me through this.

I can handle all things through Christ who strengthens me.  Phillipians 4:13

25

I've been 25 for about 3 weeks now, and it's really beginning to sink in... All those things that you should have established or begin establishing as habits for the rest of your life -- they all have the age "25" as their magic number.

Skin care regimen -- should be in place
Anti Aging Skin Care Regimen -- should begin
Financial Responsibility -- should be in place
Career -- should be in place
Investing for Retirement -- should begin
Serious Relationships/Marriage -- should begin
Relationship with God -- should be in place
Regular sleep schedule -- should be in place
Good eating habits -- should be in place
Regular exercise -- should be in place
Personal style -- should be in place
Organized closet/dresser -- should be in place
Make up regimen -- should be in place
Balance -- should be in place
Mental Clarity -- should be in place
Confidence -- should be in place
Social Life -- should be in place

Okay, so you get the picture...  You see why "25" is kind of a big deal.  It's like, I'm really supposed to act like an adult now.  Blech!

Or perhaps this is just how I perceive what should be happening at the age of 25.  I mean, honestly... There is no way in hell that this list is realistic.  At.  All.

And yet... These are things I would like to accomplish.  These are things I'm beginning to accomplish.

I'm tackling financial responsibility.  I've begun my career.  I'm in a serious relationship.  I'm working on my relationship with God.  I'm getting better with my sleep schedule, eating, exercise, closet/dresser.  Still need to work on that style bit...  And balance/mental clarity/confidence.

I don't know.  I am a work in progress, a piece of art that will not be declared complete until my dying day (because that's when God will call me home).  So I shouldn't put too much pressure on myself.  But I definitely don't want to be working until I'm 65 years old and look like I'm 90 because I didn't take care of my skin! haha.

Good thing I've got 49 more weeks of being 25 to figure some of this stuff out...