No Matter What May Come

On my way home from work on Sunday, this song came on the radio:

"I'm not about to give up

Because I heard you say 

There's gonna be brighter days... 

I won't stop, I'll keep my head up 

There's gonna be brighter days...

When life won't play along

And right keeps going wrong

And I can't seem to find my way

I know where I am found

So I won't let it drag me down

Oh, I'll keep dancing anyway...

I've got to hold it steady

Keep my head in the game

Everything is about to change

(everything is about to change)

This hurt is getting heavy

But I'm not about to cave

Everything's about to change

There's gonna be brighter days...

No matter what may come

Gotta move to a different drum

No matter what life brings

Gotta move gotta move to a different beat...."

After the past few days of worry, stress, and frustration, these words felt so heaven sent -- words of encouragement, strength, perseverance, determination, and faith.  I needed to hear these exact words.  Because they are true.  Life isn't playing along, and right keeps going wrong -- it's as if I can't find my may.  But I can't let it drag me down, I've got to hold it steady, and keep my head in the game, because everything truly is about to change.  These next two months will be a struggle.  They will suck.  They will be hard.  They will be tight.  

But last night?  I thanked God for the struggle.  For the lessons.  For learning how tough and durable and determined I really am.  For learning more about myself.  For learning about what is important in life.  How to prioritize.  Lessons I couldn't possibly have learned otherwise.

I said thank you for all of this.  And the weight was lifted off my chest.

How many times have you thanked God for the struggles, the hurdles, He's placed in front of you?  You should try it... It will be more liberating than you could possibly imagine.

Thoughts of an Insomniac

It's 1:45am as I begin this blog -- wrought with insomnia due to a mind that will not rest.  It won't turn off -- there is too much for it to worry about and figure out and distress over to turn off.  What a silly thought, sleep!

I don't particularly want to journal my most personal details, but I need to journal something about what is going through my brain at this ridiculous hour so that maybe I can get some sleep.

I never thought I'd be where I am.  Life is a winding road (wait, isn't that a Sheryl Crow song?), and looking back, I can definitely say this is true of my life.  And I'll be honest with you -- this past year?  I feel like I have experienced what middle aged adults have been experiencing during the most recent economic crisis.  Bouncing from abode to abode to survive.  Living paycheck to paycheck.  Maxing out the credit card to just try and stay afloat.  Trying to enter a new workfield and to educate myself for it -- all on borrowed money.  Relying on my family to help with the bare basics of being able to afford pasta and rice and a roof over my head.  Receiving bill after bill and wanting nothing more than to pretend that they don't exist for the sole reason that you have no idea how you're going to pay for it -- the only idea so far is to use the entirety of the next paycheck to pay it (although this could lead to some complications with putting gas in the car...).  Having to restrict all entertainment and social functions to those that are free and/or on cable.  Realizing at 1235am that you're $18 short of a bill that needs to be paid so you rob the last quarters, nickles, dimes, and pennies out of the piggy bank for $11 -- but that means you'll only have to take $7 from the $25 bill money...  And that other $25 bill?  It will just have to wait because this one takes precedence.

I just feel overwhelmed.

I know that life is tough (case in point).  I know that there are better days ahead (after taking $7 from another bill, I'll have a board certification test date in July, and then will begin a full time job in August).  I am finding purpose in everyday.  I am finding any and all reasons to smile, laugh, be appreciative (because to be honest with you, I am so much better off than millions of people across the world -- think of the adopt-an-orphan campaigns), and praise God for how good life is and how blessed I am (I am getting really good at counting even the small blessings).  I am not trying to be too overly dramatic here.

But I am just so frustrated.  I'm frustrated that I can't get ahead.  I'm frustrated that I am hardly making ends meet.  I'm frustrated that I just can't afford anything.  I'm frustrated that I can't do anything about it because I've exhausted all options, and thus my hands are tied and I have to wait until August before this can possibly change (and I pray that when August does arrive, this will change).  I'm frustrated I can't tithe.  I'm frustrated I will most likely have to pull out of volunteering at church camp for a week because I can't afford a week out of work.  I'm just so frustrated.

I can't sleep.

This is all a part of my journey.... I know, I know.  I just need to vent.  I know in the long run this will help me -- it will help me learn the hard lessons early in life so I don't have to learn them later in life when the stakes are even higher.  I know I'm learning.  I know I'm growing.  I just want a reprieve. I want to be able to float, and not have to tread water.

And now I feel guilty for even complaining/venting.  I mean, I have so much more than so many people.  I have a family who is helping me so much -- I literally would be drowning without them.  I don't want to sound ungrateful.  I just need a night of crying (achieved) and throwing myself a pity party and let my strength crack (achieved) just for tonight so that I can keep being strong tomorrow (must achieve).

This is a recipie that Dad makes and I love.  I asked him for it because I'm craving some!  Looks like this is what I'll be working on tomorrow and eating off of this week... :)

 First, bring 2 cups of water to boil and then add one cup of raw rice. Reduce heat to low and simmer for 20-25 minutes. Meanwhile, saute 1 diced onion and 1 diced green pepper in about a half stick of butter until tender. When the rice gets done, combine the rice, sauteed veggies, one large can of white chicken, and one can cream of chicken soup. If it's too thick, you can dilute the mixture with some milk until it reaches the thickness desired. Season with salt and pepper, garlic, parsley and whatever else you like. Pour mixture into a greased casserole dish and top with sharp cheddar cheese. Bake at 350 degrees for 30 to 45 minutes or until the cheese is browned. You could also add frozen green peas to the mixture if desired.

Well I am done with clinicals!  I am finally back home.  And graduation is just days away.  And in the midst of all this excitement, I've got the boards lurking behind every corner.

Oh those boards... Let me tell you about this process.

First, you have to complete an accredited program.
Then you have to fill out and mail in an application (with a passport photo and notarized section) with a certified check for $150.
Then you have to get two character references to fill out a form and mail in on their own.
Then you have to get the school to send in verification that you did indeed complete the program.
THEN you have to wait for the board to send you a registration number.
Only then can you go online and register to actually take the test at a specific site, with a small $370 fee.
Then when you show up to take the boards, you have to bring $55.60 to pay the site to take the test.
Then you have to wait a couple of weeks for the results to be published -- and you better pray you passed, cause otherwise you'll have to wait another 4 months to go through all this again.
And if you passed, you then have to pay for your employer to look up and verify that you got licensed.
Then you have to pay to get a copy of your license.

This is what I'm looking at :)  Happy Studying! Hahahaha.

The process is ridiculous.  But I suppose it's good -- it helps keep out those who aren't worthy of the position.  And I'm very blessed, my family is providing a great amount of financial help for all of this as my graduation gift, and for that I am so grateful!!

But holy moly do I have some studying to do... I did a practice test and I have a serious amount of review I need to do... Bring on the study strategies!

No one is perfect.  And I can't demand perfection from someone.  But sometimes, I wish that I could magically snap my fingers and the one character flaw that a person has disappears.  Whether it be a short temper, being out of touch with reality, being spiteful, being bitter, or being addicted to something (drugs, alcohol, pornography)...  So often I wish I could fix it for a person.  But I can't.  All I can do is encourage, be patient, trust, and pray -- for those who are close to me, for those who aren't close to me.