It's 1:45am as I begin this blog -- wrought with insomnia due to a mind that will not rest. It won't turn off -- there is too much for it to worry about and figure out and distress over to turn off. What a silly thought, sleep!
I don't particularly want to journal my most personal details, but I need to journal something about what is going through my brain at this ridiculous hour so that maybe I can get some sleep.
I never thought I'd be where I am. Life is a winding road (wait, isn't that a Sheryl Crow song?), and looking back, I can definitely say this is true of my life. And I'll be honest with you -- this past year? I feel like I have experienced what middle aged adults have been experiencing during the most recent economic crisis. Bouncing from abode to abode to survive. Living paycheck to paycheck. Maxing out the credit card to just try and stay afloat. Trying to enter a new workfield and to educate myself for it -- all on borrowed money. Relying on my family to help with the bare basics of being able to afford pasta and rice and a roof over my head. Receiving bill after bill and wanting nothing more than to pretend that they don't exist for the sole reason that you have no idea how you're going to pay for it -- the only idea so far is to use the entirety of the next paycheck to pay it (although this could lead to some complications with putting gas in the car...). Having to restrict all entertainment and social functions to those that are free and/or on cable. Realizing at 1235am that you're $18 short of a bill that needs to be paid so you rob the last quarters, nickles, dimes, and pennies out of the piggy bank for $11 -- but that means you'll only have to take $7 from the $25 bill money... And that other $25 bill? It will just have to wait because this one takes precedence.
I just feel overwhelmed.
I know that life is tough (case in point). I know that there are better days ahead (after taking $7 from another bill, I'll have a board certification test date in July, and then will begin a full time job in August). I am finding purpose in everyday. I am finding any and all reasons to smile, laugh, be appreciative (because to be honest with you, I am so much better off than millions of people across the world -- think of the adopt-an-orphan campaigns), and praise God for how good life is and how blessed I am (I am getting really good at counting even the small blessings). I am not trying to be too overly dramatic here.
But I am just so frustrated. I'm frustrated that I can't get ahead. I'm frustrated that I am hardly making ends meet. I'm frustrated that I just can't afford anything. I'm frustrated that I can't do anything about it because I've exhausted all options, and thus my hands are tied and I have to wait until August before this can possibly change (and I pray that when August does arrive, this will change). I'm frustrated I can't tithe. I'm frustrated I will most likely have to pull out of volunteering at church camp for a week because I can't afford a week out of work. I'm just so frustrated.
I can't sleep.
This is all a part of my journey.... I know, I know. I just need to vent. I know in the long run this will help me -- it will help me learn the hard lessons early in life so I don't have to learn them later in life when the stakes are even higher. I know I'm learning. I know I'm growing. I just want a reprieve. I want to be able to float, and not have to tread water.
And now I feel guilty for even complaining/venting. I mean, I have so much more than so many people. I have a family who is helping me so much -- I literally would be drowning without them. I don't want to sound ungrateful. I just need a night of crying (achieved) and throwing myself a pity party and let my strength crack (achieved) just for tonight so that I can keep being strong tomorrow (must achieve).
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