It's been six days since Chris last texted me. Six days of not hearing from him. Six days of him traveling overseas. And then I wake up this morning to the most welcome sight: a short message on my facebook from him. It wasn't more than maybe 7 sentences, but they were the best seven sentences I may have ever read. Letting me know they got there, that it's not so bad (perhaps a white lie for my consideration), and that he can access his gmail better than facebook.
Just last night when I was crawling in bed, I thought to myself it could be a month before I hear from him if internet connection isn't good. 2 weeks for my letter to get to him. 2 weeks for his response letter to get to me. And what happens the next morning?? I hear from him. Some of the best news ever. I was giggling and smiling and jumping around when I got the message.
And I get my first eye-opener to Military Significant Other life -- the highest highs (talking to them, getting a letter, getting an email) to the lowest lows (missing them, loneliness, empty bed, wondering how much longer until you hear from them again, worrying about them) I can tell it's a roller coaster.
But right now, I'm on a high. I'm going to have an excellent day -- and NOTHING is going to get in the way of this excellent day that I know I will have. :)
Monday, February 28, 2011
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Worry Myself to Death
I've pretty much decided "To hell with PTA. Let's just go for the DPT."
Which means I have a year and a half between now and when I theoretically begin PT school. A year and a half to figure out what to do and where to go to hold me over til the next step. I'm here in New Bern until August. But then what?
I'd like to get a place with my sister, but I don't really want to move back to Greensboro. There's nothing there for me. None of my friends are there. School isn't there. Only Meghan. And Meghan wants to move there because of the boy and the fact that the local community college has the program. I'm trying to get her to consider other schools, like the ones down here. She needs to be away from her boy and surrounded by some positivity.
I'm not exactly tied to New Bern. I don't have any friends here really. But I like the area. I like being this close to the beach. I like the small town feel and the friendly atmosphere. I don't have to stay in New Bern. But I'd like to stay in Eastern NC. I'd like Meghan to move down here with me; but she's been pretty clear about the fact that she's not interested in that. So now what? I can't afford to continue what I'm doing. But I don't want to get tied into Greensboro on a year long lease. I really want to stay here. But I need to find roommates or move to Wilmington or something.
I have decided on one thing: DPT. Now I have to decide on the rest. Now I have to start getting involved and active so that I will get into DPT school. I suppose I don't have to figure out where I'm going to live in six months this weekend. But a part of me wants to. A large part of me likes having the sureity of a plan. But as my friend Kelley just reminded me: nothing in life is for sure (nothing except death that is lol). And I need to just be happy that I've made this one huge decision. That I have a small direction. Because that's a huge step.
Which means I have a year and a half between now and when I theoretically begin PT school. A year and a half to figure out what to do and where to go to hold me over til the next step. I'm here in New Bern until August. But then what?
I'd like to get a place with my sister, but I don't really want to move back to Greensboro. There's nothing there for me. None of my friends are there. School isn't there. Only Meghan. And Meghan wants to move there because of the boy and the fact that the local community college has the program. I'm trying to get her to consider other schools, like the ones down here. She needs to be away from her boy and surrounded by some positivity.
I'm not exactly tied to New Bern. I don't have any friends here really. But I like the area. I like being this close to the beach. I like the small town feel and the friendly atmosphere. I don't have to stay in New Bern. But I'd like to stay in Eastern NC. I'd like Meghan to move down here with me; but she's been pretty clear about the fact that she's not interested in that. So now what? I can't afford to continue what I'm doing. But I don't want to get tied into Greensboro on a year long lease. I really want to stay here. But I need to find roommates or move to Wilmington or something.
I have decided on one thing: DPT. Now I have to decide on the rest. Now I have to start getting involved and active so that I will get into DPT school. I suppose I don't have to figure out where I'm going to live in six months this weekend. But a part of me wants to. A large part of me likes having the sureity of a plan. But as my friend Kelley just reminded me: nothing in life is for sure (nothing except death that is lol). And I need to just be happy that I've made this one huge decision. That I have a small direction. Because that's a huge step.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Letter becomes Blog Post
Originally began as a letter to Chris, to tell him what I did last night. But in the process of writing it, I realized this was better suited for a blog post! :) So if I make reference to Chris, that's why.
So yesterday I’m sitting on the front porch of the Garcia’s reading my Nicholas Sparks book and enjoying the beautiful day (it was in the 70s and just beautiful; even if the wind was pretty strong) and my phone rings. The caller ID says it’s Katherine, so I pick it up and answer it, excited to hear from her. But it’s not Katherine on the phone, it’s Ryan!!!! Now let me back up a little bit. I’m not sure I told you who Ryan was? Well Ryan and Katherine dated for over a year and a half, and she just broke up with him like two months ago because he’d been a real butt head to her about where she was in life (depression and not sure what to do next and all that). But she ended things in a way that they continued to talk and communicate. He wanted (and wants) her back. Ryan and Katherine began dating when she and I were in college and Stacey, Kat, and I lived together in 1D (our apt number), so we all became really good friends with Ryan. Such good friends that he’s the gruff protective older brother I always wished I had. I wish y’all could have met before the deployment… And we were talking about you last night and he said “I wish I could have met this kid” – he takes it upon himself to meet, judge, and warn any guy that pursues me lol. But he’s a cool guy – he’s a big guy, former Marine (was stationed at Cherry Pt) and just recently moved back home to Mississippi (part of the reason Kat and him broke up was that he moved home without telling her). Well turns out he flew up to be with Kat for the next couple days – her grandmother had a stroke 2 days ago and they’re all worried about her. Kat’s dad flew to Arizona (where grandma is) to help grandma, so Kat was left at the house alone. (Told you it was kind of a long story; and I’m just getting started! Lol)
So I’m super stoked to hear from Brother Ryan (who I may refer to as “Brother” or “Ryan” or “Brother Ryan” interchangeably) because I haven’t seen him in like six months and he’s in town and he’s like “Come down to Kat’s and we’ll drink some wine and cook dinner and then we’ll all go out to karaoke.” So I’m there – lickety split. As fast as I can. Not only am I excited to see Ryan, but I’m also excited because I took the fact that he flew up as a good sign, that they were working things out and were on the road to getting back together (which I really hope happens!! If they can just let go of the stupid petty stuff and quit being so tit-for-tat, they’re perfect for each other!).
So I get there and we open some wine (no corkscrew – we had to use a literal screw and pliers! It was awesome!!) and are talking and we get on the subject of Stacey. And how a lot of people aren’t big fans of hers (they think she’s too immature and crazy; which she can be but she’s got a good heart). Then Ryan mentions what his buddy Barry used to say about 1D: “There’s the crazy one, the cool one, and the virgin. And you’ll know which one is which the minute you meet them.” (By the way, apparently I’m the cool one! Woot woot!) And we’re laughing and I tell them what Garrett said about Stacey: “I couldn’t get drunk enough.” And we’re laughing. And I say “I can’t blame the guy. Stacey stole all his blankets! I walked in there and he was on the couch with pillows on top of him trying to stay warm.” Then Kat says “I wish I’d been there.” Well stupid me, totally not realizing she was sending me a hint, says with a what-are-you-talking-about face “You were.” BOOM! Ryan gets all upset and is like “You WERE there weren’t you?” And he storms out and I’m just like ‘what just happened? What did you dooo Blair??’ And I look at Kat and I’m like ‘I’m soooo sorry. I didn’t know. But why did you lie to him? Nothing happened.’
So I managed to deflate the happy balloon in the space of 20 minutes of being there. I felt awful for spilling the beans (which I didn’t even know there were beans to spill about that weekend!). But at the same time, I couldn’t believe Kat lied to Ryan about it. I mean, literally nothing happened. And one of the many things I’ve learned in my relationships is that lying about something innocent makes it seem like it wasn’t innocent at all. So Kat and Ryan are arguing in the living room and she’s trying to cover one lie with another and I’m just standing in the kitchen confused as to whether or not I should leave or be there to mediate. So I decide to give it a little bit and see how it goes.
They simmer down, and come back into the kitchen. Ryan begins drinking heavily (obviously still mad) and Kat’s all jumpy and nervous and unsure about what to do and is trying to give peace offerings which Ryan is totally ignoring. So I get Ryan talking about the house he’s helping his Uncle gut and rebuild which distracts him. And things loosen up (although he’s still pissed at Kat) and we’re listening to music and talking and a cab is called (insert Jersey Shore imitations of “Cab’s are here!”) and we’re at a small little beach pub called Paddy’s.
Really cool bar – low key, not over crowded, and plenty of places to sit. Of course Kat’s miserable because she knows she fucked up, and Ryan’s miserable because he loves the girl but he’s tired of the lies (side note: his wife cheated on him while he was in Iraq and basically screwed him over big time and pretty much every other girl he’s been with has lied and cheated, so lies don’t go over real well with him). And I’m just like, good grief. Well, we drink. And we drink. And we take a shot. And they are STILL being sticks in the mud! I’m like “Blair, you’re going to have to do something to get these two laughing.” So I get them up dancing. We’re attempting to drunkenly imitate something along the lines of swing dancing (of course none of us have any real experience with swing dancing so we are probably looking like idiots but we’re having a blast doing it). I drag Ryan out of his slumped over state and get him going and he’s laughing and kat tries to cut in to dance with him and he goes and sits down. So Kat and I dance. And they lightened up – still mad at each other, but a lighter mad. I don’t know. When you’re mad like that, you gotta laugh. Because if you laugh, you let loose. If you let loose, you let go. And if you let go you forgive and move on.
We left not too long after that and I came on home (didn’t want to be there in the morning when they woke up and tried to sort it all out!). It was an interesting night. I know, completely pointless story. But it’s what happened on this side of the world in my life. :-p
I love Kat and Ryan. But I look at their relationship and I see a lot of things that I did in my first relationship. And it just reminds me how much I’ve grown and matured. And how my view has changed. Three years ago, I did the same thing. I lied about nothing. I was immature and played the tit-for-tat games – I wanted the “upper hand” in the relationship. I was just so caught up in the stuff that doesn’t matter.
And through the past two years and the different relationships I had in that time, I learned a lot about what I want in a relationship. How I want to hold and conduct myself in a relationship. That lying is pointless – it’s going to come out anyway, so you might as well just be honest about it. That games are draining – they never end once they start and it takes a positive relationship and turns it into a nasty beast. That “power” or “upper hands” in a relationship don’t foster happiness, but rather frustration and irritation and that I want an equal, not a minion or a dictator. That your partner might make you mad over something (spilling Sprite in her car, Valentines Day, etc), but you can’t keep score against the other person.
You can be mad for a while, but you have to let it go. And when you let it go, you have to let it go. You have to forgive, erase the scoreboard, start fresh, and move on. You do this (let go, forgive, move on) because you care about the other person. Because you want the both of you to be happy. And if you cant let go – regardless of how little or how big – then it’s not love. And if it’s not love, then it’s not going to last. And if it’s not going to last, why waste any more of your time?
Harsh perhaps. But it’s true.
So yesterday I’m sitting on the front porch of the Garcia’s reading my Nicholas Sparks book and enjoying the beautiful day (it was in the 70s and just beautiful; even if the wind was pretty strong) and my phone rings. The caller ID says it’s Katherine, so I pick it up and answer it, excited to hear from her. But it’s not Katherine on the phone, it’s Ryan!!!! Now let me back up a little bit. I’m not sure I told you who Ryan was? Well Ryan and Katherine dated for over a year and a half, and she just broke up with him like two months ago because he’d been a real butt head to her about where she was in life (depression and not sure what to do next and all that). But she ended things in a way that they continued to talk and communicate. He wanted (and wants) her back. Ryan and Katherine began dating when she and I were in college and Stacey, Kat, and I lived together in 1D (our apt number), so we all became really good friends with Ryan. Such good friends that he’s the gruff protective older brother I always wished I had. I wish y’all could have met before the deployment… And we were talking about you last night and he said “I wish I could have met this kid” – he takes it upon himself to meet, judge, and warn any guy that pursues me lol. But he’s a cool guy – he’s a big guy, former Marine (was stationed at Cherry Pt) and just recently moved back home to Mississippi (part of the reason Kat and him broke up was that he moved home without telling her). Well turns out he flew up to be with Kat for the next couple days – her grandmother had a stroke 2 days ago and they’re all worried about her. Kat’s dad flew to Arizona (where grandma is) to help grandma, so Kat was left at the house alone. (Told you it was kind of a long story; and I’m just getting started! Lol)
So I’m super stoked to hear from Brother Ryan (who I may refer to as “Brother” or “Ryan” or “Brother Ryan” interchangeably) because I haven’t seen him in like six months and he’s in town and he’s like “Come down to Kat’s and we’ll drink some wine and cook dinner and then we’ll all go out to karaoke.” So I’m there – lickety split. As fast as I can. Not only am I excited to see Ryan, but I’m also excited because I took the fact that he flew up as a good sign, that they were working things out and were on the road to getting back together (which I really hope happens!! If they can just let go of the stupid petty stuff and quit being so tit-for-tat, they’re perfect for each other!).
So I get there and we open some wine (no corkscrew – we had to use a literal screw and pliers! It was awesome!!) and are talking and we get on the subject of Stacey. And how a lot of people aren’t big fans of hers (they think she’s too immature and crazy; which she can be but she’s got a good heart). Then Ryan mentions what his buddy Barry used to say about 1D: “There’s the crazy one, the cool one, and the virgin. And you’ll know which one is which the minute you meet them.” (By the way, apparently I’m the cool one! Woot woot!) And we’re laughing and I tell them what Garrett said about Stacey: “I couldn’t get drunk enough.” And we’re laughing. And I say “I can’t blame the guy. Stacey stole all his blankets! I walked in there and he was on the couch with pillows on top of him trying to stay warm.” Then Kat says “I wish I’d been there.” Well stupid me, totally not realizing she was sending me a hint, says with a what-are-you-talking-about face “You were.” BOOM! Ryan gets all upset and is like “You WERE there weren’t you?” And he storms out and I’m just like ‘what just happened? What did you dooo Blair??’ And I look at Kat and I’m like ‘I’m soooo sorry. I didn’t know. But why did you lie to him? Nothing happened.’
So I managed to deflate the happy balloon in the space of 20 minutes of being there. I felt awful for spilling the beans (which I didn’t even know there were beans to spill about that weekend!). But at the same time, I couldn’t believe Kat lied to Ryan about it. I mean, literally nothing happened. And one of the many things I’ve learned in my relationships is that lying about something innocent makes it seem like it wasn’t innocent at all. So Kat and Ryan are arguing in the living room and she’s trying to cover one lie with another and I’m just standing in the kitchen confused as to whether or not I should leave or be there to mediate. So I decide to give it a little bit and see how it goes.
They simmer down, and come back into the kitchen. Ryan begins drinking heavily (obviously still mad) and Kat’s all jumpy and nervous and unsure about what to do and is trying to give peace offerings which Ryan is totally ignoring. So I get Ryan talking about the house he’s helping his Uncle gut and rebuild which distracts him. And things loosen up (although he’s still pissed at Kat) and we’re listening to music and talking and a cab is called (insert Jersey Shore imitations of “Cab’s are here!”) and we’re at a small little beach pub called Paddy’s.
Really cool bar – low key, not over crowded, and plenty of places to sit. Of course Kat’s miserable because she knows she fucked up, and Ryan’s miserable because he loves the girl but he’s tired of the lies (side note: his wife cheated on him while he was in Iraq and basically screwed him over big time and pretty much every other girl he’s been with has lied and cheated, so lies don’t go over real well with him). And I’m just like, good grief. Well, we drink. And we drink. And we take a shot. And they are STILL being sticks in the mud! I’m like “Blair, you’re going to have to do something to get these two laughing.” So I get them up dancing. We’re attempting to drunkenly imitate something along the lines of swing dancing (of course none of us have any real experience with swing dancing so we are probably looking like idiots but we’re having a blast doing it). I drag Ryan out of his slumped over state and get him going and he’s laughing and kat tries to cut in to dance with him and he goes and sits down. So Kat and I dance. And they lightened up – still mad at each other, but a lighter mad. I don’t know. When you’re mad like that, you gotta laugh. Because if you laugh, you let loose. If you let loose, you let go. And if you let go you forgive and move on.
We left not too long after that and I came on home (didn’t want to be there in the morning when they woke up and tried to sort it all out!). It was an interesting night. I know, completely pointless story. But it’s what happened on this side of the world in my life. :-p
I love Kat and Ryan. But I look at their relationship and I see a lot of things that I did in my first relationship. And it just reminds me how much I’ve grown and matured. And how my view has changed. Three years ago, I did the same thing. I lied about nothing. I was immature and played the tit-for-tat games – I wanted the “upper hand” in the relationship. I was just so caught up in the stuff that doesn’t matter.
And through the past two years and the different relationships I had in that time, I learned a lot about what I want in a relationship. How I want to hold and conduct myself in a relationship. That lying is pointless – it’s going to come out anyway, so you might as well just be honest about it. That games are draining – they never end once they start and it takes a positive relationship and turns it into a nasty beast. That “power” or “upper hands” in a relationship don’t foster happiness, but rather frustration and irritation and that I want an equal, not a minion or a dictator. That your partner might make you mad over something (spilling Sprite in her car, Valentines Day, etc), but you can’t keep score against the other person.
You can be mad for a while, but you have to let it go. And when you let it go, you have to let it go. You have to forgive, erase the scoreboard, start fresh, and move on. You do this (let go, forgive, move on) because you care about the other person. Because you want the both of you to be happy. And if you cant let go – regardless of how little or how big – then it’s not love. And if it’s not love, then it’s not going to last. And if it’s not going to last, why waste any more of your time?
Harsh perhaps. But it’s true.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Deployment Communication
:-/
When your guy is halfway across the world, hearing about how his buddy's wife was so happy when they got to talk isn't exactly helpful to one's mood. I know it's nothing personal and that Chris didn't take my number with him (or so I assume since I didn't get a phone call), but it makes me a little sad. Mostly jealous. That she got a few moments and I didn't.
I'm glad for her -- I know this separation must be 1,000 times more difficult for her than for me (since they've been together for six years and have a child). I'm glad that they are so in love that she is the first person he contacts the moment he can. It's a testament to their relationship.
So I went from having a most excellent day (my Boot Camp class had their final weigh in and fitness test today and everyone had amazing results) to a sad day. *sigh* He's really gone...
Methinks it's time to start writing him...
When your guy is halfway across the world, hearing about how his buddy's wife was so happy when they got to talk isn't exactly helpful to one's mood. I know it's nothing personal and that Chris didn't take my number with him (or so I assume since I didn't get a phone call), but it makes me a little sad. Mostly jealous. That she got a few moments and I didn't.
I'm glad for her -- I know this separation must be 1,000 times more difficult for her than for me (since they've been together for six years and have a child). I'm glad that they are so in love that she is the first person he contacts the moment he can. It's a testament to their relationship.
So I went from having a most excellent day (my Boot Camp class had their final weigh in and fitness test today and everyone had amazing results) to a sad day. *sigh* He's really gone...
Methinks it's time to start writing him...
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
And So the Waiting Begins...
Chris is on his way to Afghanistan right now.
Phew. Where did the time go?? I can't believe it's real. It doesn't feel real yet. It hasn't hit me, and won't hit me for a while. It won't hit me because I'm house sitting, so I am not sitting in my apartment, looking at the reminders. His "lazy pants" thrown over my chair next to the bed. His tobaggon on the hat rack. The early Valentines day suckers on my counter... The stupid stuff.
And so the waiting begins. For a letter to arrive. For carepackage time to come around. For him to come home.
Phew. Where did the time go?? I can't believe it's real. It doesn't feel real yet. It hasn't hit me, and won't hit me for a while. It won't hit me because I'm house sitting, so I am not sitting in my apartment, looking at the reminders. His "lazy pants" thrown over my chair next to the bed. His tobaggon on the hat rack. The early Valentines day suckers on my counter... The stupid stuff.
And so the waiting begins. For a letter to arrive. For carepackage time to come around. For him to come home.
Options and Opportunities
Well today I completed my first real Insanity workout, and although it kicked my ass, I felt wonderful for achieving something so small. What a great way to begin! :) I'm looking forward to finishing this goal. :) But it left me feeling motivated, energetic, optimistic, and in a mood to accomplish/research/make some decisions.
Lately, those who are the most important in my life have been asking me the same question: "Why don't you just go for Physical Therapy?" (as opposed to Physical Therapy Assistant which I'm currently hoping works out). For a while, I blew these questions off. But recently, the point that they're trying to make through this question has been sinking in. Why don't I just go for my Doctorate in PT?
So courtesy of my uplifted mood, I decided to do some research. Get some dates in mind, and make some plans/goals on this front. This is what I want to do with my life, so I need to stop wasting time and move towards my end goal.
I've found four schools that I'm interested in. Three in NC, one in SC. I am going to apply to them all because they all appeal to me for different reasons, and if I am accepted to more than one, decide which one then. There are many reasons why I'm interested in these particular schools -- proximity to family, to home, to the beach, to the boy (when he returns -- and yes, that is a small voice in the back of my mind. I've always maintained the mentality that I shouldn't choose my school based on a relationship, but that has never worked out for me. So perhaps it's time for me to start taking my heart into consideration. Key word consideration. Such attachments are not the primary decision maker, but I'm going to take them into consideration -- both romantic attachments and familiy attachments). But here are the schools, and the short story about admissions to each one:
ECU
Nov 1: ECU PT Application Due for following Summer
- Apply separately both to DPT program and Grad school
- 100 shadowing hours (at least): in patient, out patient, rehabilitation, long term care, geriatrics, pediatrics
- 2 letters of reference: licensed PT’s who supervised shadowing
- 1 other letter of reference
- 30 students accepted
Duke
October 1: application online due
- 3 year program (Aug – May)
- Apply through www.ptcas.org
- $28,000 annual cost
- Average GPA of accepted in past 3 years: 3.56
- GRE… Verbal: 497-514 Quantitative: 656-662
- 2 letters from academic sources; 1 from a physical therapist
- 70 students accepted
Elon
Rolling applications prior to January enrollment
- Min GPA of 3.0 (3.3 average last year)
- GRE: combined 1000, writing 2.5 (1660 was average last year)
- Letters of Recommendation: 1 from physical therapist, 1 from science instructor
- Personal statement
- Minimum 100 hours shadowing (at least 20 in a physical therapy acute inpatient care or hospital setting)
- Apply from Office of Graduate Admissions
- 3 year program
USC
Nov 1 Deadline
- 2 letters of recommendation: academic or clinical
- GRE at least 1000
- GPA minimum 3.0
- 18 students accepted
- No interview
What do you think? :)
Lately, those who are the most important in my life have been asking me the same question: "Why don't you just go for Physical Therapy?" (as opposed to Physical Therapy Assistant which I'm currently hoping works out). For a while, I blew these questions off. But recently, the point that they're trying to make through this question has been sinking in. Why don't I just go for my Doctorate in PT?
So courtesy of my uplifted mood, I decided to do some research. Get some dates in mind, and make some plans/goals on this front. This is what I want to do with my life, so I need to stop wasting time and move towards my end goal.
I've found four schools that I'm interested in. Three in NC, one in SC. I am going to apply to them all because they all appeal to me for different reasons, and if I am accepted to more than one, decide which one then. There are many reasons why I'm interested in these particular schools -- proximity to family, to home, to the beach, to the boy (when he returns -- and yes, that is a small voice in the back of my mind. I've always maintained the mentality that I shouldn't choose my school based on a relationship, but that has never worked out for me. So perhaps it's time for me to start taking my heart into consideration. Key word consideration. Such attachments are not the primary decision maker, but I'm going to take them into consideration -- both romantic attachments and familiy attachments). But here are the schools, and the short story about admissions to each one:
ECU
Nov 1: ECU PT Application Due for following Summer
- Apply separately both to DPT program and Grad school
- 100 shadowing hours (at least): in patient, out patient, rehabilitation, long term care, geriatrics, pediatrics
- 2 letters of reference: licensed PT’s who supervised shadowing
- 1 other letter of reference
- 30 students accepted
Duke
October 1: application online due
- 3 year program (Aug – May)
- Apply through www.ptcas.org
- $28,000 annual cost
- Average GPA of accepted in past 3 years: 3.56
- GRE… Verbal: 497-514 Quantitative: 656-662
- 2 letters from academic sources; 1 from a physical therapist
- 70 students accepted
Elon
Rolling applications prior to January enrollment
- Min GPA of 3.0 (3.3 average last year)
- GRE: combined 1000, writing 2.5 (1660 was average last year)
- Letters of Recommendation: 1 from physical therapist, 1 from science instructor
- Personal statement
- Minimum 100 hours shadowing (at least 20 in a physical therapy acute inpatient care or hospital setting)
- Apply from Office of Graduate Admissions
- 3 year program
USC
Nov 1 Deadline
- 2 letters of recommendation: academic or clinical
- GRE at least 1000
- GPA minimum 3.0
- 18 students accepted
- No interview
What do you think? :)
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Things I'm Looking Forward To...
- Finishing (not so much the starting and duration of) Insanity workouts
- Receiving letters from him :) :) :)
- Going to the beach!!!! And soaking up the sun!!!!! In my bikini!!!!!
- Getting my hair colored in April/May (for an idea of what i'll be doing: http://www.dixiestreams.com/leann-rimes-swingin/)
- Sending him care packages
- Figuring out whether I will stay in New Bern (for him) or move to Greensboro (for sister/family) -- most of which is reliant on if the PTA program will ever start...
- The next Harry Potter movie (yes, I'm aware that this is way far off, but I'm still stoked about it!!)
- Doing some more reading (a forever goal, one which I rarely get to :( )
- Receiving letters from him :) :) :)
- Going to the beach!!!! And soaking up the sun!!!!! In my bikini!!!!!
- Getting my hair colored in April/May (for an idea of what i'll be doing: http://www.dixiestreams.com/leann-rimes-swingin/)
- Sending him care packages
- Figuring out whether I will stay in New Bern (for him) or move to Greensboro (for sister/family) -- most of which is reliant on if the PTA program will ever start...
- The next Harry Potter movie (yes, I'm aware that this is way far off, but I'm still stoked about it!!)
- Doing some more reading (a forever goal, one which I rarely get to :( )
Thursday, February 17, 2011
He's Back!
Boys are weird. End of story. No shit Sherlock?
Chris texted me tonight. It began with "I miss you" and the night ended at 1:30am as us not just back together, but officially in a relationship. What a twisted crazy life I have.
I'm still hurt by what he did and how he handled it. I was dead-on about why it happened (fear), but it still hurt. And I still worry that it will happen again; that instead of us talking, he'll tuck tail and run. But he makes me happy. He makes me feel right. And that's a feeling that I haven't had in a long time. And that's something to take a chance for. It's a risk worth taking.
I hope I can quell the fear... I don't want his remaining time state-side to be focused on negativity. But I know it's something that will come up. And I know things won't go right back to the way they were... Some healing will have to take place as a couple. I just want to settle things so that we're all positive again before he leaves.
Chris texted me tonight. It began with "I miss you" and the night ended at 1:30am as us not just back together, but officially in a relationship. What a twisted crazy life I have.
I'm still hurt by what he did and how he handled it. I was dead-on about why it happened (fear), but it still hurt. And I still worry that it will happen again; that instead of us talking, he'll tuck tail and run. But he makes me happy. He makes me feel right. And that's a feeling that I haven't had in a long time. And that's something to take a chance for. It's a risk worth taking.
I hope I can quell the fear... I don't want his remaining time state-side to be focused on negativity. But I know it's something that will come up. And I know things won't go right back to the way they were... Some healing will have to take place as a couple. I just want to settle things so that we're all positive again before he leaves.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
It's all Society's Fault.
Well, it's apparent to me that a relationship is just not in the works for me. Not anytime soon. So I need to get over this. This crutch I have with needing to have someone. I need to re-learn the lesson to be happy and find happiness within myself. (I say this so many times. It's an empty truth. Something I know that needs to happen, but something I don't have much drive to achieve. So I repeat it, over and over, hoping that one time it'll finally sink in.)
I have calmed down quite a bit from the shock of yesterday. Yet even so, I occasionally (and for no reason) find myself tearing up and bursting into tears (primary example: I was in the take out line at Bojangles and just burst into tears. Tears from sadness; unhappiness; loneliness). I know it's only been a day, but it feels so much longer than that.
My self confidence has plummeted in the last year. I was at such a high Fall 2009. Now I'm in a pit. I feel unattractive, unworthy, and lost. Thankfully, I have made one change for myself: I've reconnected to God. I've begun studying the Bible and have a deep need to read and find solace through God's word. I suppose that this is excellent growth for someone to achieve. But I just feel like I haven't done any growth other than that.
I miss having friends. I miss feeling happy. I miss feeling accomplished. I miss having drive.
I'm house sitting for the next couple of weeks, and being here is both a blessing and a curse. It's a blessing because it gets me out of my apartment and the reminders that are there. It's nice to have TV. It's nice to be in a place that feels like home. That feels real, rooted, and permanent. But it's a curse because it's a reminder of what I do not have. Roots. Permanency (then again what in this life is permanent?). Family. Friends. Love/Partnership.
I wonder why it is that my emotional stability is so dependent upon having another person. But my friend Stacey made an excellent point; it's because that's what society expects of us. To have a partner. To move toward marriage. Even in the 21st century, that is what we are all expected (and thus what we all want) to achieve. This awareness of societal pressures on me comforts me, I don't feel like such a pathetic loser. But even so, it's a stigma that I often wish wasn't there -- so that I wouldn't feel this intense anxiety to base my happiness on whether or not I have a boyfriend. Some people have achieved this theoretical level of self efficacy of not feeling the need for a significant other. I have a few friends who are incredible women and who don't really base their happiness on their relationship status. But these same women... They have their weak points and even so, they complain about not having someone. Particularly around former anniversaries of particularly important partners or when one of their friends becomes engaged. It's like sand being thrown into the eyes.
I know I need to focus on accomplishing things that I would enjoy (such as more group fitness classes, running, exploring New Bern, painting pottery, etc) or that would in theory and on paper be "good for me" (such as volunteering with the Special Olympics, soup kitchens, shadowing, church, etc). But all of my energy and drive have evaporated. All I want to do is sit around and mope. Eat or not eat -- it doesn't really matter. I just don't really want to do. So the battle of need vs. want ensues... Akin to the epic battle of Harry Potter and Lord Voldemort: Niether can live while the other survives (http://harrypotter.wikia.com/wiki/The_Prophecy).
So until this battle is decided, I remain for what seems like eternity, in limbo.
I will approach one goal at a time instead of trying to overhaul my lifestyle at once. I'm not going to make a laundry list of them (I already did that in my New Years Resolutions post), because that will just make me feel overwhelmed. So my first goal will be this: to dedicate myself to and complete the Insanity workout (which, by the way, I received in the mail today!). This goal in and of itself will take 60 days for me to complete. And I am not starting until Monday. I'm not going to lie... I'm pretty terrified of this thing. But my body needs a jump start, and this is going to be it. I've gotten too used to my workouts, and this will be the shock it needs.
Ha. We'll see how this goal works... (Although I have to say, this will also achieve one of my New Years Resolutions! :-D Yay multitasking! haha)
I miss him. I miss having him in bed with me. I miss having him to come home to. I miss cooking for him. Kissing him. Cuddling with him. I miss it oh so very much.... ::sigh::
I have calmed down quite a bit from the shock of yesterday. Yet even so, I occasionally (and for no reason) find myself tearing up and bursting into tears (primary example: I was in the take out line at Bojangles and just burst into tears. Tears from sadness; unhappiness; loneliness). I know it's only been a day, but it feels so much longer than that.
My self confidence has plummeted in the last year. I was at such a high Fall 2009. Now I'm in a pit. I feel unattractive, unworthy, and lost. Thankfully, I have made one change for myself: I've reconnected to God. I've begun studying the Bible and have a deep need to read and find solace through God's word. I suppose that this is excellent growth for someone to achieve. But I just feel like I haven't done any growth other than that.
I miss having friends. I miss feeling happy. I miss feeling accomplished. I miss having drive.
I'm house sitting for the next couple of weeks, and being here is both a blessing and a curse. It's a blessing because it gets me out of my apartment and the reminders that are there. It's nice to have TV. It's nice to be in a place that feels like home. That feels real, rooted, and permanent. But it's a curse because it's a reminder of what I do not have. Roots. Permanency (then again what in this life is permanent?). Family. Friends. Love/Partnership.
I wonder why it is that my emotional stability is so dependent upon having another person. But my friend Stacey made an excellent point; it's because that's what society expects of us. To have a partner. To move toward marriage. Even in the 21st century, that is what we are all expected (and thus what we all want) to achieve. This awareness of societal pressures on me comforts me, I don't feel like such a pathetic loser. But even so, it's a stigma that I often wish wasn't there -- so that I wouldn't feel this intense anxiety to base my happiness on whether or not I have a boyfriend. Some people have achieved this theoretical level of self efficacy of not feeling the need for a significant other. I have a few friends who are incredible women and who don't really base their happiness on their relationship status. But these same women... They have their weak points and even so, they complain about not having someone. Particularly around former anniversaries of particularly important partners or when one of their friends becomes engaged. It's like sand being thrown into the eyes.
I know I need to focus on accomplishing things that I would enjoy (such as more group fitness classes, running, exploring New Bern, painting pottery, etc) or that would in theory and on paper be "good for me" (such as volunteering with the Special Olympics, soup kitchens, shadowing, church, etc). But all of my energy and drive have evaporated. All I want to do is sit around and mope. Eat or not eat -- it doesn't really matter. I just don't really want to do. So the battle of need vs. want ensues... Akin to the epic battle of Harry Potter and Lord Voldemort: Niether can live while the other survives (http://harrypotter.wikia.com/wiki/The_Prophecy).
So until this battle is decided, I remain for what seems like eternity, in limbo.
I will approach one goal at a time instead of trying to overhaul my lifestyle at once. I'm not going to make a laundry list of them (I already did that in my New Years Resolutions post), because that will just make me feel overwhelmed. So my first goal will be this: to dedicate myself to and complete the Insanity workout (which, by the way, I received in the mail today!). This goal in and of itself will take 60 days for me to complete. And I am not starting until Monday. I'm not going to lie... I'm pretty terrified of this thing. But my body needs a jump start, and this is going to be it. I've gotten too used to my workouts, and this will be the shock it needs.
Ha. We'll see how this goal works... (Although I have to say, this will also achieve one of my New Years Resolutions! :-D Yay multitasking! haha)
I miss him. I miss having him in bed with me. I miss having him to come home to. I miss cooking for him. Kissing him. Cuddling with him. I miss it oh so very much.... ::sigh::
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Psalm 34:18
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit
I need the Lord now. More than ever.
Chris did intentionally stand me up yesterday. He responded to my facebook message and wants to end it. Citing the fact that he'll be gone for 7 months and can't really trust me -- he'll never know whether or not I cheat. Citing reasons that he himself had reasoned away -- that 7 months isn't that long, that it'll fly by, that we can make it, etc.
None of it makes sense. At all. And I've come to the conclusion that he's just scared. Petrified of leaving, of me hurting him. So he wants to protect himself and do the hurting so it's not an issue later. We were fine all weekend -- there was not even a hint that this is how he felt. We sat on the beach and talked about how we were going to miss each other, and I said that when I came to the beach, I'd sit there and think of him and send him a kiss. He hugged me so tight.
I finally let my guard down and was falling for him, and he was falling for me, and then this... His boys talked to him, told him stories about how they were cheated on, whatever. Filled his head with fear and dread. Because this wasn't him. Not him at all.
So I'm broken hearted. On Valentines day.
But at least it's because he's scared and not because he doesn't care.... I have that as solace...
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit
I need the Lord now. More than ever.
Chris did intentionally stand me up yesterday. He responded to my facebook message and wants to end it. Citing the fact that he'll be gone for 7 months and can't really trust me -- he'll never know whether or not I cheat. Citing reasons that he himself had reasoned away -- that 7 months isn't that long, that it'll fly by, that we can make it, etc.
None of it makes sense. At all. And I've come to the conclusion that he's just scared. Petrified of leaving, of me hurting him. So he wants to protect himself and do the hurting so it's not an issue later. We were fine all weekend -- there was not even a hint that this is how he felt. We sat on the beach and talked about how we were going to miss each other, and I said that when I came to the beach, I'd sit there and think of him and send him a kiss. He hugged me so tight.
I finally let my guard down and was falling for him, and he was falling for me, and then this... His boys talked to him, told him stories about how they were cheated on, whatever. Filled his head with fear and dread. Because this wasn't him. Not him at all.
So I'm broken hearted. On Valentines day.
But at least it's because he's scared and not because he doesn't care.... I have that as solace...
I didn't wake up to any missed calls or text messages or facebook messages. He didn't try to contact me. Will he?
I'm just so confused. Sunday we were fine. We were more than fine. I almost said those three little words that mean everything... And then Monday happened. No phone calls. No texts. Just being stood up on Valentines day. Then discovering he deleted two of my wall posts on his facebook and one of his status' about me. Then discovering he logged in twice to the online dating website we met on. Twice.
So now I'm just really confused. And hurt. I'm angry and sad at the same time. But mostly just hurt.
And I wonder -- are we over? Am I over reacting (probably)? How am I suppossed to react to this?
I just want someone to love and to love me back. And I thought I'd found it. I hope I still have it. But now I'm just confused.
I'm just so confused. Sunday we were fine. We were more than fine. I almost said those three little words that mean everything... And then Monday happened. No phone calls. No texts. Just being stood up on Valentines day. Then discovering he deleted two of my wall posts on his facebook and one of his status' about me. Then discovering he logged in twice to the online dating website we met on. Twice.
So now I'm just really confused. And hurt. I'm angry and sad at the same time. But mostly just hurt.
And I wonder -- are we over? Am I over reacting (probably)? How am I suppossed to react to this?
I just want someone to love and to love me back. And I thought I'd found it. I hope I still have it. But now I'm just confused.
Monday, February 14, 2011
What a Bust
Well, my "valentine" is non-existant. He told me last night not to make dinner plans. I didn't hear anything from him at all today, and I tried calling him at 730. No answer. Called again at 810pm. No answer. No show. ::Sigh:: Some valentine... Disappointment. Major disappointment.
Glad I didn't get ready for this suppossed "dinner"... Then I would have been REALLY upset.
How do I seem to always find the guys who fall asleep, don't set their alarms, and thus never show? It's annoying.
So now I'm all confused and irritated... Grr...
Glad I didn't get ready for this suppossed "dinner"... Then I would have been REALLY upset.
How do I seem to always find the guys who fall asleep, don't set their alarms, and thus never show? It's annoying.
So now I'm all confused and irritated... Grr...
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Chocolate
Ohhhh kay folks! Tomorrow is Valentines Day. And regardless of whether you're attached to someone or single, chocolate is the name of the game! And I wanted to share with you my all time favorite chocolate dessert! It is the most rich, decadent dessert you will ever have and will leave you feeling like an over stuffed prince/princess!
Serves 4
•8 tablespoons (100 g) unsalted butter, plus extra to grease
•4 teaspoons unsweetened cocoa, to dust
•4 ounces (100 g) good-quality bittersweet chocolate (minimum 70% cocoa solids), in pieces
•2 large eggs
•2 large egg yolks
•2/3 cup (120 g) superfine granulated sugar
•2/3 cup (120 g) all-purpose flour
1.Heat oven to 325° F. Grease 4 large ramekins with butter, about 3 inches (7.5 cm) in diameter. Cut a small, square piece of parchment and place in the bottom of the ramekin and grease with butter, then dust liberally with cocoa.
2.In a small bowl set over a saucepan of hot water, slowly melt the chocolate and butter. Remove bowl from heat and stir until smooth. Let cool for 10 minutes.
3.Using an electric whisk, whisk the whole eggs, egg yolks, and sugar together until pale and thick. Add the cooled chocolate mixture and whisk just to combine.
4.Sift the flour over the mixture and using a large metal spoon gently fold in.
5.Divide the batter between the ramekins and bake for 12 minutes.
6.Turn the chocolate fondants out onto warmed plates and serve immediately.
(recipe courtesy of: http://gracessweetlife.com/2010/07/want-to-learn-how-to-make-gordon-ramsays-favourite-dessert-hot-chocolate-fondant/ )
And also in Valentine's Day spirits, I thought I'd share with you a picture of me and my Valentine! :) Hopefully this one will stand the test of time, but even if he doesn't, I have this chocolate cake to come back to! :-p
Serves 4
•8 tablespoons (100 g) unsalted butter, plus extra to grease
•4 teaspoons unsweetened cocoa, to dust
•4 ounces (100 g) good-quality bittersweet chocolate (minimum 70% cocoa solids), in pieces
•2 large eggs
•2 large egg yolks
•2/3 cup (120 g) superfine granulated sugar
•2/3 cup (120 g) all-purpose flour
1.Heat oven to 325° F. Grease 4 large ramekins with butter, about 3 inches (7.5 cm) in diameter. Cut a small, square piece of parchment and place in the bottom of the ramekin and grease with butter, then dust liberally with cocoa.
2.In a small bowl set over a saucepan of hot water, slowly melt the chocolate and butter. Remove bowl from heat and stir until smooth. Let cool for 10 minutes.
3.Using an electric whisk, whisk the whole eggs, egg yolks, and sugar together until pale and thick. Add the cooled chocolate mixture and whisk just to combine.
4.Sift the flour over the mixture and using a large metal spoon gently fold in.
5.Divide the batter between the ramekins and bake for 12 minutes.
6.Turn the chocolate fondants out onto warmed plates and serve immediately.
(recipe courtesy of: http://gracessweetlife.com/2010/07/want-to-learn-how-to-make-gordon-ramsays-favourite-dessert-hot-chocolate-fondant/ )
And also in Valentine's Day spirits, I thought I'd share with you a picture of me and my Valentine! :) Hopefully this one will stand the test of time, but even if he doesn't, I have this chocolate cake to come back to! :-p
(edited with Picnik--an application I just discovered!)
(no editing)
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Brutal Cross Section of My Heart
Sometimes, I feel like I am so stagnant! I read and talk to old friends who are off doing these amazing things -- they're abroad, persuing graduate degrees, writing theses, learning new languages, and just becoming these amazing, cultured people. Meanwhile, I'm in New Bern, working two part time jobs. With a laundry list of goals I want to accomplish -- little goals compared to what these people are doing with their lives at my exact same age. And then I have to wonder where all my motivation and drive for success went? I think when my Dad got laid off and embraced non-productivity as a living, it affected my drive for success. I don't work as hard. I don't feel the ingrained need to go.
And then I realize that for the past five months, I've really wasted my time here in New Bern. I've spent it whining and complaining -- about how I don't have friends, about how there's nothing to do, about how I (didn't) have a boy, about how much I hate it here and how this isn't where I want to be. Blah, blah, blah. Wasting my time.
As the saying goes, I need to put on my Big Girl Panties and deal with it.
And strangely, I am. It's funny, and pathetic, that it took Chris coming into my life to really appreciate this town and to get working on some of my personal goals. I finally am doing Physical Therapy shadowing with regularity, something I've been meaning to do since I moved here. I finally am putting more effort into studying the Lord's word and dedicating myself to a Bible study. I am finding myself with a few more invitations to social functions than before, which don't have much to do with Chris. It's pathetic that I needed to have a boy-friend before I could do things that I wanted/needed to do. The laundry list isn't much shorter -- everything on it is a process and not a fast achievement thing which is slightly frustrating, because it's nice to be able to cross something off a list -- but it's being worked on. It's being wrestled.
I only have 8-ish days left with Chris before he leaves. And is gone for 7 months. This scares me like I can't even describe. But to have him there supporting me, even across the oceans, will be all I need to keep me on track. He'll be there, but he won't be distracting me from my goals. I know it's going to be tough, and I know I will cry a lot, and I know I will complain a lot on this blog, but please be patient with me. This is my emotional outlet. There is nothing poetic or intellectual about this blog. It's just a brutal cross-section of my heart.
And then I realize that for the past five months, I've really wasted my time here in New Bern. I've spent it whining and complaining -- about how I don't have friends, about how there's nothing to do, about how I (didn't) have a boy, about how much I hate it here and how this isn't where I want to be. Blah, blah, blah. Wasting my time.
As the saying goes, I need to put on my Big Girl Panties and deal with it.
And strangely, I am. It's funny, and pathetic, that it took Chris coming into my life to really appreciate this town and to get working on some of my personal goals. I finally am doing Physical Therapy shadowing with regularity, something I've been meaning to do since I moved here. I finally am putting more effort into studying the Lord's word and dedicating myself to a Bible study. I am finding myself with a few more invitations to social functions than before, which don't have much to do with Chris. It's pathetic that I needed to have a boy-friend before I could do things that I wanted/needed to do. The laundry list isn't much shorter -- everything on it is a process and not a fast achievement thing which is slightly frustrating, because it's nice to be able to cross something off a list -- but it's being worked on. It's being wrestled.
I only have 8-ish days left with Chris before he leaves. And is gone for 7 months. This scares me like I can't even describe. But to have him there supporting me, even across the oceans, will be all I need to keep me on track. He'll be there, but he won't be distracting me from my goals. I know it's going to be tough, and I know I will cry a lot, and I know I will complain a lot on this blog, but please be patient with me. This is my emotional outlet. There is nothing poetic or intellectual about this blog. It's just a brutal cross-section of my heart.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
The Reality of Dating a Marine: Deployments
19 days. That's all God gave me. To meet him, to fall for him, to connect with him, to establish something real with him. 19 days. And then he'll be gone. For 7 months. In a war zone. In a foreign country where English isn't spoken except by his co-workers and the contractors. Where there will be a nine and a half time difference. Where communication will be restricted. No more kisses. No more hugs. No more cuddling. Just me in my bed. No more date nights. No more movie nights on the couch. No more of him cooking me breakfast while I watch and enjoy being cooked for. Just me.
19 days. 7 of which are already gone.
12 days (or something like that).
Am I crazy? Idiotic? That after seven days I'm going to do this.
He makes me feel so comfortable, secure, protected, content, happy, beautiful. I can see a future with him if we can make it through this.
19 days. It's like God is playing a trick on me. Giving me something so wonderful just before he will be taken away. 12 days.
I think I could be certifiably insane.
19 days. 7 of which are already gone.
12 days (or something like that).
Am I crazy? Idiotic? That after seven days I'm going to do this.
He makes me feel so comfortable, secure, protected, content, happy, beautiful. I can see a future with him if we can make it through this.
19 days. It's like God is playing a trick on me. Giving me something so wonderful just before he will be taken away. 12 days.
I think I could be certifiably insane.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Every New Beginning Comes From Some Other Beginning's End
Do I have some updating to do or what...
Well; as you all know, I joined an online dating website for shits and giggles -- for the simple reason that I have been having an awful time meeting people here, and I wanted some facilitation there. So I joined. Went on a horrible date with Matt, an ok double blind date with Stacey and two guys she met online, and an ok coffee date with a divorced 31 year old Marine officer. Then on Tuesday I went on a fantastic date with a guy named Chris.
He's tall, blonde-ish hair, brown eyes, thin, kind of nerdy but in a cute way. He's 21 (I know... He's younger than me...), and a Marine (one of his negatives). He's very mature, easy going, and very polite. And the crazy part -- he goes to my church! When he told me this, my mind was like "Whaaaaa???" I just couldn't believe that we go to the same church. What are the odds?? A part of me was comforted (he's a church going Christian which indicates morals), A part of me was embarrassed (great -- now people at my church will find out that I was doing online dating. How embarrassing.).
But the first date was excellent!! He paid for everything, conversation was comfortable and easy, there were laughs, and it was just a good time. We had dinner at Waffle House, coffee at Dunkin Donuts, and then went and saw The Green Hornet. It was just so nice to be taken out on a nice date by a respectful guy who wasn't self absorbed. He didnt try and hug me or kiss me! Which was nice... No pressure.
After we parted ways, we were texting and he asked me out for a second date -- lunch the next day. I accepted. So Yesterday we had lunch at Texas Steakhouse (again he paid for everything), then went to downtown and got coffee and sat in the park and just talked for like two hours. Again, so nice and comfortable and easy! The date ended because I had to go to work, but I just felt so calm and happy all day.
Then when I got home from work, he texted me, asking if it was outlandish that he wanted to drive and see me. I told him that it wasn't outlandish and that he could come over and watch "Play the Game" (a most excellent movie with Andy Griffith in it), but that I had to work early in the morning so he couldn't stay too late.
So he drove over and I popped some popcorn and pulled out the grapes (gosh I love grapes!) and watched the movie. We were interrupted twice by my sister and Mom -- Meghan was trying to teach Mom how to use Skype -- and so I surprised both them and Chris by moving my computer and introducing them. Meghan and Mom squealed and tried to hide and Chris and I were laughing. But the movie continued and Chris liked it (seriously; this movie is awesome! I highly recommend it to all people in their 20s). Of course, we ended up cuddling on the couch. :) Man, it was so nice to be cuddled up with someone!!! To be held. To feel comfortable. To feel pretty. To feel wanted.
Annnnnnnnnnnd we ended up kissing. *sigh* *happy sigh* I didn't want to stop kissing him. And we didn't stop kissing for a long time. The movie ended at like 1245am and we started kissing afterwards. We ended up kissing for like two hours!! I meant it when I said I didn't want to stop kissing him. He was such a tender, soft, enjoyable kisser. Nothing too forceful. Just....nice. *happy sigh*
I, of course, maintained my dignity and told him that there was no way I was going to invite him to bed on date two and a half. But that we could sleep on the couch. And we did. Pure, innocent, sweet sleep. Curled up next to someone. Oh man it was so nice.
Is it wrong of me to say I can't wait to have sex with this man? Like obviously I will wait a while. But legit -- I am so excited to have sex with him! haha. If it leads to that, obviously. But I think it will. And I can just tell by the way that he kisses that he would be an excellent lover.
I asked him what he was looking for (activity partner, friends with benefits, relationship), and he's looking for a relationship, and I'm 100% sure he's looking for one with me.
But there is one more detail that goes against Chris. He is deploying. In like a month. That's a short amount of time to establish a solid relationship before he leaves for 7 months. Do I want to get involved with someone who will leave soon and will be gone for 7 months? Am I really willing to put myself through a deployment for a guy I just met? There is so much patience and stress that results from being in a relationship with a man who is deployed. Seven months. Of waiting.
I like this guy. A lot. He's calm. He's mature. He's got good morals, respect. He's cute. But again; that's a big commitment... One that if I made I would honor with my loyalty and fidelity, but one that I'm nervous about making in such a short amount of time. If we had been dating a few months and then got this news, it would be different. But three weeks?? It makes me nervous. Because I don't want to be put in a position where I write a "Dear John" letter and break up with him while he's overseas. Not saying that would happen... But again, only knowing him three weeks and then a seven month separation?
*apprehensive sigh*
So that's the big update folks! I found a guy, only to learn that I will soon lose him.
Well; as you all know, I joined an online dating website for shits and giggles -- for the simple reason that I have been having an awful time meeting people here, and I wanted some facilitation there. So I joined. Went on a horrible date with Matt, an ok double blind date with Stacey and two guys she met online, and an ok coffee date with a divorced 31 year old Marine officer. Then on Tuesday I went on a fantastic date with a guy named Chris.
He's tall, blonde-ish hair, brown eyes, thin, kind of nerdy but in a cute way. He's 21 (I know... He's younger than me...), and a Marine (one of his negatives). He's very mature, easy going, and very polite. And the crazy part -- he goes to my church! When he told me this, my mind was like "Whaaaaa???" I just couldn't believe that we go to the same church. What are the odds?? A part of me was comforted (he's a church going Christian which indicates morals), A part of me was embarrassed (great -- now people at my church will find out that I was doing online dating. How embarrassing.).
But the first date was excellent!! He paid for everything, conversation was comfortable and easy, there were laughs, and it was just a good time. We had dinner at Waffle House, coffee at Dunkin Donuts, and then went and saw The Green Hornet. It was just so nice to be taken out on a nice date by a respectful guy who wasn't self absorbed. He didnt try and hug me or kiss me! Which was nice... No pressure.
After we parted ways, we were texting and he asked me out for a second date -- lunch the next day. I accepted. So Yesterday we had lunch at Texas Steakhouse (again he paid for everything), then went to downtown and got coffee and sat in the park and just talked for like two hours. Again, so nice and comfortable and easy! The date ended because I had to go to work, but I just felt so calm and happy all day.
Then when I got home from work, he texted me, asking if it was outlandish that he wanted to drive and see me. I told him that it wasn't outlandish and that he could come over and watch "Play the Game" (a most excellent movie with Andy Griffith in it), but that I had to work early in the morning so he couldn't stay too late.
So he drove over and I popped some popcorn and pulled out the grapes (gosh I love grapes!) and watched the movie. We were interrupted twice by my sister and Mom -- Meghan was trying to teach Mom how to use Skype -- and so I surprised both them and Chris by moving my computer and introducing them. Meghan and Mom squealed and tried to hide and Chris and I were laughing. But the movie continued and Chris liked it (seriously; this movie is awesome! I highly recommend it to all people in their 20s). Of course, we ended up cuddling on the couch. :) Man, it was so nice to be cuddled up with someone!!! To be held. To feel comfortable. To feel pretty. To feel wanted.
Annnnnnnnnnnd we ended up kissing. *sigh* *happy sigh* I didn't want to stop kissing him. And we didn't stop kissing for a long time. The movie ended at like 1245am and we started kissing afterwards. We ended up kissing for like two hours!! I meant it when I said I didn't want to stop kissing him. He was such a tender, soft, enjoyable kisser. Nothing too forceful. Just....nice. *happy sigh*
I, of course, maintained my dignity and told him that there was no way I was going to invite him to bed on date two and a half. But that we could sleep on the couch. And we did. Pure, innocent, sweet sleep. Curled up next to someone. Oh man it was so nice.
Is it wrong of me to say I can't wait to have sex with this man? Like obviously I will wait a while. But legit -- I am so excited to have sex with him! haha. If it leads to that, obviously. But I think it will. And I can just tell by the way that he kisses that he would be an excellent lover.
I asked him what he was looking for (activity partner, friends with benefits, relationship), and he's looking for a relationship, and I'm 100% sure he's looking for one with me.
But there is one more detail that goes against Chris. He is deploying. In like a month. That's a short amount of time to establish a solid relationship before he leaves for 7 months. Do I want to get involved with someone who will leave soon and will be gone for 7 months? Am I really willing to put myself through a deployment for a guy I just met? There is so much patience and stress that results from being in a relationship with a man who is deployed. Seven months. Of waiting.
I like this guy. A lot. He's calm. He's mature. He's got good morals, respect. He's cute. But again; that's a big commitment... One that if I made I would honor with my loyalty and fidelity, but one that I'm nervous about making in such a short amount of time. If we had been dating a few months and then got this news, it would be different. But three weeks?? It makes me nervous. Because I don't want to be put in a position where I write a "Dear John" letter and break up with him while he's overseas. Not saying that would happen... But again, only knowing him three weeks and then a seven month separation?
*apprehensive sigh*
So that's the big update folks! I found a guy, only to learn that I will soon lose him.
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