Sometimes, I feel like I am so stagnant! I read and talk to old friends who are off doing these amazing things -- they're abroad, persuing graduate degrees, writing theses, learning new languages, and just becoming these amazing, cultured people. Meanwhile, I'm in New Bern, working two part time jobs. With a laundry list of goals I want to accomplish -- little goals compared to what these people are doing with their lives at my exact same age. And then I have to wonder where all my motivation and drive for success went? I think when my Dad got laid off and embraced non-productivity as a living, it affected my drive for success. I don't work as hard. I don't feel the ingrained need to go.
And then I realize that for the past five months, I've really wasted my time here in New Bern. I've spent it whining and complaining -- about how I don't have friends, about how there's nothing to do, about how I (didn't) have a boy, about how much I hate it here and how this isn't where I want to be. Blah, blah, blah. Wasting my time.
As the saying goes, I need to put on my Big Girl Panties and deal with it.
And strangely, I am. It's funny, and pathetic, that it took Chris coming into my life to really appreciate this town and to get working on some of my personal goals. I finally am doing Physical Therapy shadowing with regularity, something I've been meaning to do since I moved here. I finally am putting more effort into studying the Lord's word and dedicating myself to a Bible study. I am finding myself with a few more invitations to social functions than before, which don't have much to do with Chris. It's pathetic that I needed to have a boy-friend before I could do things that I wanted/needed to do. The laundry list isn't much shorter -- everything on it is a process and not a fast achievement thing which is slightly frustrating, because it's nice to be able to cross something off a list -- but it's being worked on. It's being wrestled.
I only have 8-ish days left with Chris before he leaves. And is gone for 7 months. This scares me like I can't even describe. But to have him there supporting me, even across the oceans, will be all I need to keep me on track. He'll be there, but he won't be distracting me from my goals. I know it's going to be tough, and I know I will cry a lot, and I know I will complain a lot on this blog, but please be patient with me. This is my emotional outlet. There is nothing poetic or intellectual about this blog. It's just a brutal cross-section of my heart.
It sounds to me like Chris was a cornerstone, a foundation piece that enabled you to realize that a foundation could be built. And motivated you to begin building. That's a good thing.
ReplyDeleteYes, he kind of has been! I used to be one of those people who didn't really need someone in order for me to work on my own goals, but it is who I have become... And as frustrating as that can be sometimes, I have accepted it. And the metaphor of "cornerstone" is an excellent and apt one -- and I'm excited to feel less mopey! A little more driven. And a little more optimistic. :) :) :)
ReplyDelete