Things I'd Like to Do

I've (obviously) been doing a lot of reflection lately.  A lot of feeling.  A lot of exploring, questioning, and stepping outside the comfort zone.  I feel like I've come a long way.  Learned a lot.  But it's a never ending journey.

So what's next? I've moved.  I've let go.  I've figured out what (some of) my problems are.

So what are some things I'd like to work towards?

- Train for the 5k Tater Trot at the Sweet Potato Festival in Snow Hill NC at the end of October
- Finish Christmas crafts

And that's all I got right now... Need to work on some more goals...  :(

Introspection and Prospection

So I was talking to Kelley (my spirit guide haha) on Facebook tonight about some things. About people, relationships, and why we make the same mistakes over and over again. And Kelley made a good point -- unless you look at the men you've dated, evaluated what you were attracted to, and what led to problems, you'll continue to make those same mistakes.


So what in the world was I attracted to in these guys??

Joey

• Nice Butt
• Nice lips --> Good kisser
• Nice hands/arms
• Laid back
• Succeeded in everything he did, but didn't know what he was going to do with his life
• Paid
• Not college educated -- until he dated me

Cosmo and Lance -- they were just there and had the right equipment.  No actual attachment to them.

Aaron

• Taller and more proportionate
• Nice butt, eyes, and hands!
• Marine -- cute in uniform, steady job/income, potential for benefits
• Closer in age to me
• Went to church regularly -- chose to visit me instead of church on weekends and held that against me
• Opinionated -- but became too opinionated!
• Had a truck
• Didn't know what he was going to do with his life post Marines -- still kind of floating from what I gather
• Poor family relationships
• Strong: he could pick me up!
• Didn't laugh very much though
• Laid back -- but he became too laid back and lazy in the relationship.  He never wanted to go or do because it required money.
• Cheap -- not that big of a deal, but it got to a point where if it required anything more than $5, he wasn't interested
• Took care of me when I was sick
• Good listener, gave sensible suggestions
• Made me feel safe
• Shoulder injury.  This endeared him to me, but it became his own worst enemy.  Which then came between us.
• Knowledgeable of car problems and could fix them
• Equal sex drive
• Not college educated
• Tattoos

TJ

• Tall
• Knowledeable of carpentry -- could build things (learned that it was mostly his Dad doing the precise measurements and building)
• Had a nice truck
• Equal sex drive
• Paid and never made money an issue
• Good listener, had sensible suggestions
• Poor communicator
• Didn't know how to deal with his past or his emotions -- and couldnt be honest about them.  Turned out he was still in love with his ex (after swearing up and down he wasn't)
• Did sweet things for me
• Great family relationships -- I loved his family too!
• Didn't know where he was going in life -- still doesn't
• Handled problems like an ostrich: stuck his head in the sand and hid
• Pushed for sex
• Not college educated, but in college -- though doing horribly in it
• Tattoos
• Window shopped too much around me!
• Emotional (and physical?) cheater
• used me to get back and stick it to his ex

Ian

• Navy -- no real bearing on my attraction to him besides steady job/income and potential for benefits
• Played football in high school
• Tattoos
• Tall, nice eyes, nice hands, nice butt
• We were able to talk for hours
• He liked to laugh
• Money didn't seem to be a problem, but once dating I felt somewhat guilted into paying for some things
• Didn't know where he was going in life, but did want to return to college for officer school
• Smart
• Open minded about people -- regardless of race, nationality, or gender
• Didn't attend church -- turned out he had a stink with religion and faith, which is something I dont think I could have handled
• Had a temper -- didn't want to see things another way once he made his mind up
• Had poor relationship with his mom, but good relationship with his dad, step mom, and family
• Refused to admit the truth about his female friend with whom he had a sexual attraction to -- that that's who he wanted to date
• Ostrich: stuck head in sand and closed off when hit a speed bump -- then turned it around on me!
• Pushed for sex
• Bad at sex.
• Emotionally unavailable and closed off
• Work was all-encompassing with his mind and emotions -- too much drama!
• Used me for rides?

Whoa.

I just learned a whole lot.

Sooo. The common negative denominators? Not college educated/no direction in life, didn't attend church/believe in God, poor family relationships, Ostriches, cheap-scapes, selfish (used me for rides, getting back at ex's, etc), didn't respect me/my opinions.

New requirements:

• Must have a direction and plan for life.  Preferably college educated.
• Attend church regularly before meeting me.  Has faith in God.
• Positive relationships with most (preferably all) family members
• Faces and tackles problems
• Doesn't mind or make a big deal of paying for things.
• Steady job
• Believes that dating is a verb
• Doesn't use me
• Emotionally available -- no recent ex's, no recent disciplines at work or with the law, no big changes coming up (moving, career change, etc)
• No issues -- no more project boys!!
• Respectful of me and my opinions -- doesn't shut me down for what I think.  Doesn't call or make me feel stupid.
• Patient, kind, and understanding
• Good listener
• Likes to laugh
• Smart with his life choices -- no excessive alcohol, no drugs, good financially
• Prefers a simpler way of living -- just no excessiveness.  Brands, lifestyles, consumption, etc.
• Is handy -- with cars, around the house
• Laid back -- no metro boys!!
• Tall, broad shoulders, nice butt, nice hands/forearms, easy smile
• Has respect for himself to treat his body well -- good diet and exercise (not a problem if there's some flab, just nothing excessive)
• Doesn't want to rush to sex --- must be more to the relationship and willing to wait for sex.

Yeah.  We'll see if I ever find a man who meets all of these criteria...

Good to know....

http://www.womansday.com/Articles/Family-Lifestyle/Relationships/10-Things-That-Turn-Men-Off.html

Great Little Article

http://blog.self-improvement-saga.com/2010/02/love-attachment-infatuation/

Thought this was a great article...

God Is Seriously Sending Me Messages

So today was another unemployed lonely day.  Another day on my own with no purpose.  And as always, another day where I try to keep busy.  So I did some crafting.  Some straightening up.  And then I went to the beach to spend some time.  It was cloudy and threatened to rain all day, but never did.  So by 2:30pm I was so bored that I decided to risk it and drive to the beach and pray that it didn't rain.  The minute I reach the outerbanks?  It starts raining!  Great.  But I had nothing better to do, so I decided to wait the rain out.  Thankfully I only had to wait about 15 minutes, then off onto the beach I was.  Made some progress on the book (The Master and Margarita) at the beach, enjoyed some family watching, and thorougly enjoyed some surfer boy watching! Haha.  What can I say?

So after an hour, I drove home.  And I couldn't stop thinking about how lonely I was...

Anywho, so I decided to rent "The Back-Up Plan" with Jennifer Lopez.  I wanted to see it in theaters, but I just can't justify spending so much money to see a movie.  Such a cute movie!!! Loved loved loved it!!  But even in  this romantic comedy, God was sending me a message.  Now some of you may think that I'm going off the deep end with God sending me messages.  But I have to defend my thinking on this.  Because it's not new messages.  It's the same messages over and over -- that I need to open myself up and let people in.  Essentially, I have to lose the bitter attitude I've gained this summer.  The Back Up Plan is about Zoe, who dates countless men but none of them work out (sound familiar?).  But she's now 30 and with no one in the picture, she decides to take matters into her own hands and gets inseminated (not sure I'd take it that far).  And as soon as she's pregnant, she meets someone. But her past experiences with men prevent her from opening herself up, letting people in, or trusting them.  Again -- sound familiar?

Of course, she can't let the guy in and she ends up heartbroken.  But by the end of the movie she lets him in and all is well.

But even in the romantic comedy God presents me with a character who is independent, driven, honest, and loyal but who doesn't trust people.  And she ends up very much alone because of this.  And if she doesn't fix this, she will be alone forever.

I have got to let this bitterness go.  But it still hurts so much...  I have let go of a lot of the emotions and hurt, but the sting is still there.  I want friends.  I want a boyfriend.  I'm so lonely without them.  But I know I need to heal myself and this bitterness first.

A Kept Promise

Well, I went to church this morning!  And I loved it!! :) :)

It was a small church, and the message was great!  It really spoke to me.  I moved to New Bern with every intention of not beginning any new relationships.  I wanted this time to myself.  Four months of me on my own -- figuring myself out, doing things I liked.  But I went to church today to meet another personal fulfillment goal, and what's the message?  We were made to have relationships with other people.  And that we need to always push ourselves to have better relationships. 

I really liked the service -- it was modern, relatable, and understandable.

As I was walking out, the minister pulled me aside and encouraged me to get involved.  He then introduced me to some people who would be in my Sunday school (which meets in the evenings), and long story short -- I ended up going to "Small Group" (their version of Sunday School)!

I was really surprised with myself for getting so involved so quickly.  I knew no one, and was intimidated by the fact that everyone there was in a relationship with a Marine and that 3 of the Marines were there.  But everyone turned out to be really nice, really mature, really level-headed, and really focused on their relationship with God and Christ.  It was exactly what I needed.  The wives were really nice, and they inspire me to be like them -- to be mature, to believe in love, to be honest and open minded.

But one question that we talked at length about: What is standing in your way to leading a high definition life?  And before the question was even finished, I knew what my answer was: my own bitterness.  And I shared this with the group, explaining that in the recent past, I've been so hurt and disappointed by people in my life that I had become numb and closed off to people.  That I was just tired of people and opening myself up to them.  And they responded really well to it.  One wife even said that she went through a period just like that and that it was the best time of her life -- she learned so much about herself.  So that really encouraged me to continue on this journey, but to also stay open for friendships.

So I got the message about friends, God.  I'm still confused about whether or not you want me to apply that to relationships with Men (are you also telling me that my relationship embargo is equally idiotic?), but I think that for now, I've made quite a connection with God, with this new church, and with the people in my Small Group.  A step in the right direction.

I'm so glad that I went to church.  That I made that promise to myself, that I kept it, and that God spoke to me through the message of the week.  And that I was open-eared enough to hear it.  So I begin this week on a positive note, with a personal revelation, and with a hope-filled heart.

Church

Tomorrow, I am going to visit my first church in New Bern!!!  I am seriously excited about getting back to church.  I hope I like this church...  It was recommended to me by Becky, whose church I loved.  So I have high hopes that this one will be a good fit for me. 

I've really missed having a church home.  I didn't find a good church in Greenville until my Senior year, so I wasn't really able to establish roots with the church.  So I'm trying to be more pro-active in New Bern about finding a church home.  I want to be surrounded by people who are good -- who have good morals, who work hard, who encourage and inspire me to be better.  I hope that I will be able to make friends at church.  And who knows, maybe meet a nice boy?  Meeting a guy at church has a lot of attraction to me -- I want a man who has faith.  That's an important quality for me.

I'm not going to church to try and find a boyfriend, because I am sticking to my mission -- to get back to me and take these next four months to myself.  These four months are so important to me.  But I am saying that I recognize that church is a good place to meet people.  And I'm excited to start looking for a good church!  For friends, for guidance, for support, for encouragement.

Girl Power

Last night, I had my Woman Power!  I went out to a bar with Katherine and Ryan, with full intentions of enjoying myself and playing some games of my own.  Sure enough, all the tips from Cosmo and all the confidence I had last night was quite an elixir and I had a fish on the hook fairly quickly.  All I wanted was a sloppy make out, and that's exactly what I got.  It was fun!  Weilding my power and being in total control of the whole situation.  It was kind of a disappointment, as I saw right through all his games and moves and knew exactly what games he was playing when.  But at the same time, it was an all together different experience than I've ever had with a man before... Being in total control, playing the games back, calling him out on his shit -- never done that before.  It was fun to make him squirm and be in control.  Of course the making out was fun too, but I read him like a book!  So strange.  I'm usually this naive girl who doesn't know what he's doing and falls hook, line, and sinker for the cheesiest lines.  But it was quite a different story last night!  And I have no real interest in seeing him again or really talking to him again.  For one, he's short, and two: he's a Marine.

But man, all the tricks I did worked.  :)  Women really do have quite a power over men!

An Idle Mind Wanders

Well I've moved.  And I'm pretty much settled.  So now I have less to occupy my mind.  I have more time on my hands.  Before, I had plenty to focus on, to keep myself busy.  I was working 40-50 hours a week, and I had an upcoming move to prepare for.  Now?  I don't have those things.  My mind has time to wander.

I'm tired.  I'm alone.  Literally.  My family's gone home (they had to at some point, right?).  And I have no boyfriend.  This isn't by any means a death sentence to me.  No biggie, really.  But a part of me does wish I had someone here right now.  To curl up on the couch with.  To cook for.  To talk to.  Being single isn't horrible, but it is pretty lonely.  And yes, I do miss having that other person there.

I have no interest in breaking my embargo.  I do need this time.  But I think it's a good sign that I want that relationship.  A few weeks ago, I was too bitter and mad to even consider it.  So perhaps I'm making progress.



Last night, I made chocolate fondant cakes.  They turned out so good and so yummy!!!  Definitely something I'll keep in the recipe box for future reference. :) :)

before cooked

just out of the oven!

GOOOOEY

Financial Aid and All the Lesson's I've Learned in One Article

In the interests of continuing my education and meeting some more of my personal goals (maintain my drive for a successful career), I sat for 3.5 hours this morning/afternoon in line at the Community College in hopes of being granted financial aid (another goal of mine is to be able to do this financially on my own).  It was a long long long wait.  But in the time I spent sitting on my ass and waiting for my name to be called, my sister was lovely and brought me some magazines to read: Cosmo and Glamour. 

And there was a very interesting article in Glamour that really hit home for me, with plenty of tips and knowledge that I myself have just recently learned about "love" and relationships.  I thought the timing of this article and my "journey" was quite a coincidence (is there such a thing as a coincidence?  I'm really beginning to think that God keeps sending these things my way to affirm my decision to stay single for a good while.  I have to say, it's nice that he's sending me signs and that I'm open eyed enough to see them and appreciate them and absorb them).  But here's the article, with 31 tips -- all of which I can say that I agree with.

http://www.glamour.com/sex-love-life/blogs/single-ish/2010/02/31-things-i-wish-id-known-abou.html

31 tips to live by my friends... :)

"Most Successful Marriage Age is...." (drum-roll please)

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/love-bytes/201004/why-wait

Really??  The highest quality marraiges are between people who married between the ages of 22-25.  I'm 22 now.  With no boyfriend.  No hope of a boyfriend.  And a self-imposed relationship embargo for the next four months -- which will end with my 23rd birthday.  As if I didn't feel scared enough, now this??  Way to put pressure on me society.  Way to go.  I feel like I am forever running out of time.  Running out of time to see everything in the OBX before I move, running out of time to apply to educational programs I'm interested (I almost missed PTA admissions!), running out of time to find a job, running out of time to pay my bills, running out of time to find a mate??  GEESH!!!  How is a girl suppossed to get everything out of life when there are all these "studies" about how to live your life best and get the best results????  It's timeline after timeline after timeline; tip after tip on how to live life.  Just when I want to be single and find myself, I read an article like this that sends me into mild panic mode -- and in my mild panic thoughts such as "you'll never find anyone" and "you're doomed for divorce" run rampant.  Really Blair??  You don't even have a boyfriend and you're thinking these things?? Get a grip girl!!  ...Easier said than done sometimes.

I Want To Marvel

Yes, I went and saw my movie today -- "Eat, Pray, Love."  I have to say, it was a pretty awesome movie.  But folks and those with a broken heart, if you're looking for understanding, guidance, or someone to identify with, you need to read the book.  The movie does a nice job of following her as she travels and grows, but the wisdom that saturates the book isn't translated in the movie.  I want to read it again so badly.  I read it a year ago when Joey and I broke up (ironically -- it was not done intentionally.  It just happened to be the book I picked up at the store when we were breaking up and I wanted something to escape into.  Turns out God wanted me to escape into my own problems and told me so by having me pick that book up).  It's at my Grandparents' somewhere... Need to go fetch it!!

And yes, I want to marvel at life like I once did.  I've been at the beach for three months (and I'm leaving in two days time) and I have not appreciated it -- I have been closed off to its healing powers.  I want to rediscover the joy and beauty of life like she did in Italy, like Spaghetti chastised her for not doing.  And I think through my "outline"/plan, I will get back to that.  Through re-discovering myself, my hobbies, and new hobbies, I'll get there (I have three new recipes to master for next week!  Chocolate Fondant Cake, Hummus, and Fresh Salsa).

One thing I do marvel at?  The minute I'm not interested in finding a relationship of any level, I am suddenly keenly aware that men are looking at me!  On my way into the theater (I went alone as this book holds special meaning to me -- I wanted to enjoy it on my own), there were two grandparents and their two mid-20s grandsons.  The grandsons literally stopped their conversation with their grandparents (how rude!), turned and checked me out (no complaints on that front), one whistled (slightly embarassing), and one stepped back so that I had to walk in front of him.  Flattering, but really??  Why is it that men seem to sense when women don't want a relationship and that's when we suddenly become oh so hot to them? 

Then again, maybe I'm just noticing the attention I get.  When I'm with a guy, my eyes don't wander.  I don't notice these things.  So maybe it's just that I'm more aware.

And it's nice to be noticed -- especially when you're dressed to go to the gym after the movie and not have a speck of make up on.  Good little confidence boost today!  Haha.

Yes, I can feel myself healing.  Slowly.  But the turtle wins the race.

Sadness and Fear

Okay...  So I'm not angry anymore (well, not enough to be an issue.  My anger and bitterness has now been classified and filed into the "healthy" category).  What am I now?  Puts on dive cap and goggles, and dives into the parts of my mind that I don't want to acknowledge (my emotions)...

I'm sad.  I'm alone.  I've not been enough for any of them to stick around.  I'm unwanted.  Undesired.

But mostly, I'm scared.  I'm scared that I will never find someone.  I'm scared that I'll never be enough.  I'm scared.

My life and my emotions do not revolve around these two emotions like it did around Anger.  Instead, it's a small nagging voice that whispers from time to time to remind me of how I feel and what I am (alone).  As a whole, being alone isn't a big deal to me.  I like being alone.  I like having the freedom.  But I'm so used to having someone, that to not have someone is quite an adjustment.  I know that I need to be on my own.  But a small part of me feels a little lost.

I wonder -- is there someone for me?  Will someone ever be able to handle me?  A free spirit?  A giant heart?  A quiet but intelligent person?  A driven person?  Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be able to find someone that can understand, handle, and love me for me.  For the fact that 90% of the time I follow the rules and am a quiet, conservative girl.  But that 10% of the time, I'm wild!  I dance on bars, go skinny dipping, speak my mind, and am completely spontaneous.  That won't get jealous or weird when I do go wild because they know that even though I am embracing my wild side, never will I ever do anything to be disloyal to them or to jeopardize the relationship.  A man that is good to me, who respects me, who does nice things for me, who envelops me in his arms, who is patient and kind, who is driven in his career, who can laugh.  I mean, that's a pretty long list. I'm scared he doesn't exist.  I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life... Just for a few months.



I know at this point in the journey, I'm saying that I don't want a relationship.  I haven't quite yet adopted that as true in my heart.  At this point, I'm convincing myself of it.  My head knows it's the right choice.  But my heart, it doesn't like the unknown.

Peace (Or At Least a Little Closer to It)

I was so full of anger, bitterness, spite.  I felt like I was capable of so many negative things that weren't me.  Self destructive things.  Destructive to others things.

But today, I had a long day.  I spent over 7 hours in the car throughout the day on my various road trips -- 2 hours for work, 5 hours for school.  And I listened to a lot of music today.  For work, I listened to a lot of rage music -- music that matched my angry mood.  But through the ride to school, my iPod took me in a different direction -- from loud angry music to the quieter mellow music.  My iPod literally played a role in helping me solve some of my issues.  Go figure.  An inanimate object...

I'm not sure what happened on the drive to New Bern today.  I'm not sure at what point thoughts changed from hate to letting go.  I'm not sure if there was a particular song that triggered it.  All I know is that suddenly I realized that I wasn't so angry anymore -- I was humming along to my Trevor Hall song, busting out to Dixie Chicks ("Wide Open" of course), and thoroughly enjoying Travis Tritt's "It's a Great Day to be Alive."  I was excited.  I was happier.  I wasn't nearly as angry.  My desire to slap-a-bitch had subsided substantially.  And I'd been like that for a while when I realized it.  And it was my music that ellicited this response.

I was no longer obsessed with my anger.  I wasn't concentrating on how hurt I had been, how used I'd felt, or how worthless I seemed.  Instead, I was enjoying the moment, the sounds (my music), feeling confident in my business casual attire, and I was excited about the next step in my life (New Bern).  I wasn't wasting energy on negativity anymore -- I had embraced a more positive way of thinking, which is my usual mindset.  It was nice to be back to something more like the old me.

It was kind of like my music took me through the progression of my emotions.  It was 2.5 hours (the trip to New Bern) of self-exploration and healing, if you will.

Here's a very small and abbreviated sampling of the songs that came on the iPod today:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tqWP1rsAMrw
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Afq1ddP65Bk
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nlDPPu53V80
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xcTDDLavowM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=65V8-h5k_JA

It's amazing the effect of music on a person's soul.  If you are at odds with yourself for some reason, I highly recommend you locking yourself in the car for a long road trip and that you just drive somewhere with your iPod blasting until you are able to explore your emotions.

I feel so much more at peace.  I have forgiven myself for the mistake I made.  I have acknowledged that I need to take time away from relationships to focus on myself for a while (and I'm soooo excited about this!! No sarcasm!!  There are so many things that I want to do!).  I have re-instated my faith in Love, and that someday, I'll meet that guy that's worthy of my Love.  And that that guy will prove to me that he's worthy of it.  Sad that he'll have to prove it, but unfortunately that is how it is after what I've been through.

I am still a bit bitter.  But just a bit.  And I think a bit bitter is a good thing for me.  It will help keep the Love Blinders off and my eyes open to the reality of a situation/person/relationship.

Life is a work in progress.  And I'm working through it.  I won't come out of it unscathed, but I'll come out of it a better, wiser person for the chances I take, the mistakes I make.  And I'll get there.  I will.

Anger

So here it goes.  Figuring out the issues.  Exploring what and how I feel without a filter.  Unfortunately, I don't believe I will be fulfilling one of my objectives to work on myself.  My vocabulary in this post is not refined.  In fact, it's quite uncivilized.  But I'm starting with the issues, not with my vocabulary.

I am so fucking angry. Angry as a hornets nest that's been whacked by a blind-folded seven year old at a birthday party going after the pinata, but the parents were high and hung the pinata on a tree that has a hornets nest.  Just angry.  Angry angry angry angry.  I'm not a violent person by any means, but I'm so angry I have a line of about four people I just want to kick and kick where it hurts -- while wearing my fantastic Santana 4" silver heels and a fantastic dress.  Just kick them!  Hell, throw in a slap to the face, some brass knuckles, some mace and a tazer gun.

It's things like this that really make me wish there was a boxing class nearby.  Or a kickboxing class. Tehehe.  (pretends to hit the cymbal)

But in all reality, if you know me even in the slightest, you know I could never be capable of these things.  Of purposely and knowingly hurting someone.  My hate and anger and dislike and pent up kicking needs are well contained, well controlled.

I'm just so angry.  I'm angry that I was used by men -- as a stick-it-to-my-ex, as a challenge (could they win? of course they did), as a stupid worthless piece of arm weight, as fun and nothing more.  I'm angry at myself for allowing this to happen -- for being so open minded and trusting and give-them-a-second-chance.  I'm angry at myself for accepting less, way way way less than I deserved.  And I'm not saying I deserve much, but geesh.  How low I did go.

I'm angry for trying to always end it as "friends".  Why the hell would I want to be friends with these people, who have treated me like crap, gotten everything they wanted, and then hurt me.  So that I can read their updates and feel even worse about myself?  Because they get closer and closer and closer to the happy ending and I'm still stuck trying to figure out how to remember how to read the fucking compass?  I'm angry that they get to get up on their high horses and close off and I'm laying on the operating table for open heart surgery (pun intended).  I'm angry that I am incapable of being the emotionally detached bitch that delivers zinger after zinger that destroys him to nothing. 

We grow up with these unrealistic images of "happily ever afters" and fairy tales and we want that.  We want that with every fiber in our being.  And so we sacrifice ourselves so that we can fool ourselves into thinking that we're that much closer to getting it.  But if we have to sacrifice ourselves for happiness, then it's a worthless fake version of happiness.  And that's what I've done time and time and time again. 

There's a thin line in relationships between compromise and sacrifice.  Every time I thought I'd been compromising, when the whole time I'd been sacrificing.

I'm just so angry.  Angry at them.  Angry at me. 

Angry that other people have such power over me.  To affect me like this.  To be able to make me feel inferior, less valuable, less interesting, less intelligent, less important.  Goddamn it, I'm Valuable, Interesting, Intelligent, and Important!  I just wished I believed it...

Introduction and Explanation

Well, I kind of touched on this subject in my other blog -- Footsteps in the Sand.  About how Kelley and I had this long discussion and it just cemented in my mind the concept that I just can't date anyone right now.  That there are entirely too many things about myself that I need to focus on before I could even consider focusing my energies on someone else.

We came up with goals and objectives to meet the goals, and talked about how we needed to take this personal journey.  A perhaps somewhat cliche journey of self-actualization, discovery, and healing (obviously not in that order).  But I do.  I need to figure this stuff out about myself.  I have always said and still maintain that you cannot have a successful relationship with someone else until you are successful with yourself.  I used to be successful with myself, but through the happenings of Lord knows how long, I've lost touch with that person.  So that's what all this is about.

There is no tie to the "Eat, Pray, Love" movie that comes out this week as inspiration for all this.  In fact, all this started before I even realized that movie was coming out.  All this started from a break-up (big surprise), not a book or a movie (although I will say that the book was fantastic and I highly recommend it to all women).  But perhaps it's the Big Man Upstairs working his magic that my need for self discovery comes when this movie comes out.  A sign?  That this path I'm about to head down is right?  That's how I'm going to take it anyway...

So here are the goals and the objectives of this journey:

1. Settle the issues
1. Figure out what the issues are
2. Settle them
2. Start going to church again
1. Seems pretty self explanitory...
3. Work on self
1. Figure out what I want in life and from a man
2. Refine my vocabulary (less cussing)
3. Be more informed -- news, education, etc
4. Be more content and less chaotic
5. Do things for me and not for someone else
6. Continue to be driven in my career goals and life goals
7. Maintain/Better Define my moral character
8. Positivity
9. Confidence
10. Learn to cook -- not because a woman belongs in the kitchen but because cooking is a dying art form.
11. Bring more diversity into my life -- food, music, language, books, friends
4. Back to old clothes sizes
1. Pretty self explanitory.  I'm a girl.  I'll always want to lose weight.
5. Find happiness (beginning by doing little things that make me happy.  Such as:)
1. Make and drink more fresh mint tea
2. Enjoy a glass of wine
3. Read more -- and read respectable books. Not just chick lit.
4. Make gifts for people -- for occasions and for random acts of kindness
5. Be outdoors -- find a park, go hiking, go running, whatever.
6. Find the Island (Kelley and I have decided that all the gays have corralled the right guys on an island)
1. I realize I won't really Find the Island.  This is more of a fun joke between Kelley and I.  And I guess "the Island" could also mean "the One"

So there you have it folks.  The goals.  The objectives.  The directions for my journey.  And that's what this blog is about.  So read if you want.  Don't read if you want.  I really don't care.  Because for once, this is about me and solely me.  This is a recording for me.  I'm opening myself for you to read about.  Who knows, maybe you'll learn something about yourself in the process...