I was so full of anger, bitterness, spite. I felt like I was capable of so many negative things that weren't me. Self destructive things. Destructive to others things.
But today, I had a long day. I spent over 7 hours in the car throughout the day on my various road trips -- 2 hours for work, 5 hours for school. And I listened to a lot of music today. For work, I listened to a lot of rage music -- music that matched my angry mood. But through the ride to school, my iPod took me in a different direction -- from loud angry music to the quieter mellow music. My iPod literally played a role in helping me solve some of my issues. Go figure. An inanimate object...
I'm not sure what happened on the drive to New Bern today. I'm not sure at what point thoughts changed from hate to letting go. I'm not sure if there was a particular song that triggered it. All I know is that suddenly I realized that I wasn't so angry anymore -- I was humming along to my Trevor Hall song, busting out to Dixie Chicks ("Wide Open" of course), and thoroughly enjoying Travis Tritt's "It's a Great Day to be Alive." I was excited. I was happier. I wasn't nearly as angry. My desire to slap-a-bitch had subsided substantially. And I'd been like that for a while when I realized it. And it was my music that ellicited this response.
I was no longer obsessed with my anger. I wasn't concentrating on how hurt I had been, how used I'd felt, or how worthless I seemed. Instead, I was enjoying the moment, the sounds (my music), feeling confident in my business casual attire, and I was excited about the next step in my life (New Bern). I wasn't wasting energy on negativity anymore -- I had embraced a more positive way of thinking, which is my usual mindset. It was nice to be back to something more like the old me.
It was kind of like my music took me through the progression of my emotions. It was 2.5 hours (the trip to New Bern) of self-exploration and healing, if you will.
Here's a very small and abbreviated sampling of the songs that came on the iPod today:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tqWP1rsAMrw
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Afq1ddP65Bk
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nlDPPu53V80
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xcTDDLavowM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=65V8-h5k_JA
It's amazing the effect of music on a person's soul. If you are at odds with yourself for some reason, I highly recommend you locking yourself in the car for a long road trip and that you just drive somewhere with your iPod blasting until you are able to explore your emotions.
I feel so much more at peace. I have forgiven myself for the mistake I made. I have acknowledged that I need to take time away from relationships to focus on myself for a while (and I'm soooo excited about this!! No sarcasm!! There are so many things that I want to do!). I have re-instated my faith in Love, and that someday, I'll meet that guy that's worthy of my Love. And that that guy will prove to me that he's worthy of it. Sad that he'll have to prove it, but unfortunately that is how it is after what I've been through.
I am still a bit bitter. But just a bit. And I think a bit bitter is a good thing for me. It will help keep the Love Blinders off and my eyes open to the reality of a situation/person/relationship.
Life is a work in progress. And I'm working through it. I won't come out of it unscathed, but I'll come out of it a better, wiser person for the chances I take, the mistakes I make. And I'll get there. I will.
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