Sadness and Fear

Okay...  So I'm not angry anymore (well, not enough to be an issue.  My anger and bitterness has now been classified and filed into the "healthy" category).  What am I now?  Puts on dive cap and goggles, and dives into the parts of my mind that I don't want to acknowledge (my emotions)...

I'm sad.  I'm alone.  I've not been enough for any of them to stick around.  I'm unwanted.  Undesired.

But mostly, I'm scared.  I'm scared that I will never find someone.  I'm scared that I'll never be enough.  I'm scared.

My life and my emotions do not revolve around these two emotions like it did around Anger.  Instead, it's a small nagging voice that whispers from time to time to remind me of how I feel and what I am (alone).  As a whole, being alone isn't a big deal to me.  I like being alone.  I like having the freedom.  But I'm so used to having someone, that to not have someone is quite an adjustment.  I know that I need to be on my own.  But a small part of me feels a little lost.

I wonder -- is there someone for me?  Will someone ever be able to handle me?  A free spirit?  A giant heart?  A quiet but intelligent person?  A driven person?  Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be able to find someone that can understand, handle, and love me for me.  For the fact that 90% of the time I follow the rules and am a quiet, conservative girl.  But that 10% of the time, I'm wild!  I dance on bars, go skinny dipping, speak my mind, and am completely spontaneous.  That won't get jealous or weird when I do go wild because they know that even though I am embracing my wild side, never will I ever do anything to be disloyal to them or to jeopardize the relationship.  A man that is good to me, who respects me, who does nice things for me, who envelops me in his arms, who is patient and kind, who is driven in his career, who can laugh.  I mean, that's a pretty long list. I'm scared he doesn't exist.  I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life... Just for a few months.



I know at this point in the journey, I'm saying that I don't want a relationship.  I haven't quite yet adopted that as true in my heart.  At this point, I'm convincing myself of it.  My head knows it's the right choice.  But my heart, it doesn't like the unknown.