Anger

So here it goes.  Figuring out the issues.  Exploring what and how I feel without a filter.  Unfortunately, I don't believe I will be fulfilling one of my objectives to work on myself.  My vocabulary in this post is not refined.  In fact, it's quite uncivilized.  But I'm starting with the issues, not with my vocabulary.

I am so fucking angry. Angry as a hornets nest that's been whacked by a blind-folded seven year old at a birthday party going after the pinata, but the parents were high and hung the pinata on a tree that has a hornets nest.  Just angry.  Angry angry angry angry.  I'm not a violent person by any means, but I'm so angry I have a line of about four people I just want to kick and kick where it hurts -- while wearing my fantastic Santana 4" silver heels and a fantastic dress.  Just kick them!  Hell, throw in a slap to the face, some brass knuckles, some mace and a tazer gun.

It's things like this that really make me wish there was a boxing class nearby.  Or a kickboxing class. Tehehe.  (pretends to hit the cymbal)

But in all reality, if you know me even in the slightest, you know I could never be capable of these things.  Of purposely and knowingly hurting someone.  My hate and anger and dislike and pent up kicking needs are well contained, well controlled.

I'm just so angry.  I'm angry that I was used by men -- as a stick-it-to-my-ex, as a challenge (could they win? of course they did), as a stupid worthless piece of arm weight, as fun and nothing more.  I'm angry at myself for allowing this to happen -- for being so open minded and trusting and give-them-a-second-chance.  I'm angry at myself for accepting less, way way way less than I deserved.  And I'm not saying I deserve much, but geesh.  How low I did go.

I'm angry for trying to always end it as "friends".  Why the hell would I want to be friends with these people, who have treated me like crap, gotten everything they wanted, and then hurt me.  So that I can read their updates and feel even worse about myself?  Because they get closer and closer and closer to the happy ending and I'm still stuck trying to figure out how to remember how to read the fucking compass?  I'm angry that they get to get up on their high horses and close off and I'm laying on the operating table for open heart surgery (pun intended).  I'm angry that I am incapable of being the emotionally detached bitch that delivers zinger after zinger that destroys him to nothing. 

We grow up with these unrealistic images of "happily ever afters" and fairy tales and we want that.  We want that with every fiber in our being.  And so we sacrifice ourselves so that we can fool ourselves into thinking that we're that much closer to getting it.  But if we have to sacrifice ourselves for happiness, then it's a worthless fake version of happiness.  And that's what I've done time and time and time again. 

There's a thin line in relationships between compromise and sacrifice.  Every time I thought I'd been compromising, when the whole time I'd been sacrificing.

I'm just so angry.  Angry at them.  Angry at me. 

Angry that other people have such power over me.  To affect me like this.  To be able to make me feel inferior, less valuable, less interesting, less intelligent, less important.  Goddamn it, I'm Valuable, Interesting, Intelligent, and Important!  I just wished I believed it...