It's been a bit of an emotional day...

First I closed my bank account that I have literally had all my life.  Emotional that one more piece of "me" is dissolved to make way for "we."  I didn't exactly mind the decision, but it's just one more thing changed.

Then this evening Daniel and I went to see Mockingjay Part 1 -- excellent movie! But it really affected me for some reason... I left feeling very paranoid/hyper aware of my surroundings, feeling very alone and disconnected.

After the movie, I got to chit chat with Pops, and found out that one of my family members is engaged to a fella on the other side of the country.  I'm thrilled for her, but the selfish part of me is sad that she will soon be moving west again...

All of this combined and I'm just drained. I need girlfriends in this town, but it's hard to meet friends when I work an hour away...

Mental Illness

Today is my day off from work, as I spent the weekend at work working. So I guess you can call it a comp day -- a "We're sorry you had to work this weekend... Take a weekday off so you maintain your sanity and so we don't have to pay you overtime" day.

And as usual, I was ready for this day off. Work has become increasingly trying to me -- I have become more and more frustrated and affected with the bickering between co-workers. So to have a day off and a day away is welcomed.

My plans? Nada!

I'm enjoying having the day to myself -- completely to myself. No errands. Very few chores.  Heck, I haven't even turned the TV on yet.  But I did watch a movie this morning on Netflix -- Silver Linings Playbook.

I wasn't sure if this was a movie I wanted to see (hence why I didn't see it in theaters or rent it via Redbox), but this morning I pressed play.  And I was instantly drawn into the story of a broken man with a broken heart and a mental illness who tries to cope with life and find his way back to himself.  I connected to the main character because of some familial experiences. I connected to the supporting actress because of my personal roles in others lives -- playing the healer, the helper, the encourager, the distracter.  It so beautifully and appropriately displayed the effects of depression and bipolar disorder... It really hit home for me and my experiences with others.

I don't really know why I felt the need to blog this morning... Except to say that mental illness is hard. It's debilitating. And if you have a friend or family member suffering from any of the forms of mental illness, you need to know how important you are to them, to their health, to their recovery.

I have not (yet) suffered from acute mental illness.  But I have many loved ones who do.  And going through the struggles with them -- it's hard, it's heart breaking, it's involved, and sometimes it's draining and scary. But to see someone come through those hard times and to be able to assimilate back into life?  Worth every minute. Worth every late night phone call, every tear, every frustration, and every invasion of your life. To see someone feel whole again after having been broken into a million little pieces?  Oh there are no words to describe the miracle of that.

Mental illness is serious. And those suffering need their support system.  Don't abandon someone because they're struggling. Surround them with your love and your friendship and your encouragement. You don't always have to know the right thing to say -- you just have to be there to listen and to love.

The stir of the spirit -- like a breeze in the willow tree

Have you ever had one of those days where you just feel like your heart is aflutter all the time, without reason? It makes you giddy happy, tearful happy, thankful happy.  It makes you believe that change is in the air and that the possibilities of the world are endless and that you can conquer ANYTHING.

The Lord has been invading my heart all day today.  And I love it!!!

He is doing a work in me. He is changing me. He is preparing me for something.  I don't know what his will is with all of this, where it will lead, what it is preparing me for, and who I am becoming as a result... But my faith and love is in Him. And I have nothing to fear with Him.  He may not move the mountains that might be coming, but He will make sure that I am capable of climbing those mountains and He will lead me over them and past them.

For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases Him. ~Philippians 2:13

I am so excited to see what God is preparing me for... And I am so full of joy to feel the Spirit so intimately close to me... I know that He is always there, but to FEEL him all day... My heart!!!

His presence has washed over me gently all day -- like a gentle spring breeze that flutters through the low hanging limbs of the willow tree, just enough to move the limbs and rustle the leaves to make its presence known. But behind that breeze may come anything -- crisp air, hot air, a storm, a passing cloud -- we cannot know. All we can do is to lay on the grass and enjoy the breeze as it tickles our skin as we wait to see what comes next...

There are a lot of things that I wish I were, but that I'm not.

I wish I were more of an early morning exerciser -- but I'm not.  And I'm getting to the point that I'm really asking myself: Why am I trying to force something that is not natural to me???

I do -- I suck at getting out of my warm, comfy bed at 5am in the morning. And if I do succeed (and more often than not, I do NOT succeed at getting up "on time" for my workout), I'm grumpy and unmotivated. Not the attitude to have as you go into your workout.

One of my fitness mentors (she doesn't know that she is) said that when she created her "system," she asked herself "Is this something I could do for the rest of my life?" And when I ask myself that question about early morning workouts, the answer is a resounding NO!

So it's time to try something different.

If at first you don't succeed, try try again.

So it's time to try something different.

Evening workouts, here I come!

This literally makes me want to watch everything that Kevin Spacey has ever filmed....

Reflections from Timehop

I have really enjoyed the Timehop app on my phone, that allows me to look at all the statuses and photos I've posted on facebook over the years. It allows me to really reflect on my past, but lately it has really had me evaluating the person I am today.

This app has made me realize that I have matured -- no longer am I posting statuses that do not build up my friends, but instead are pointless, waste of time, often crude and explicit statuses.  Today I strive to with-hold the ranting, the pointless, the need for attention, and instead I strive to post things that are positive, provide hope/encouragement, remind my friends to appreciate the little things, and to share not only the wonder of God, but the beauty of God's creation.  The realization of the maturity that I have gained in the last 5 years makes me glad for who I have become and the changes that have occurred.  I look back on those statuses and pictures and often find myself shaking my head, rolling my eyes, or thinking to myself "Seriously?!" But I also firmly believe that you can not be who you are without being who you were.  So although I went through a period of time where I can classify it as nothing but an identity crisis, that time was integral to the development of who I am today.

This app makes me smile at the adventures and moments that I had with my friends... The pictures, the quotes... Even today they bring a smile to my face to recall those times.  I'm pleased to also report that I have been able to continue these friendships long after college -- which some say is extremely difficult to do. But their no-matter-how-long-its-been-since-we've-talked-I'm-still-your-friend attitude is so appreciated and treasured.

But this app has also made me question some of my priorities... I look back on the pictures and I inwardly cringe at who I have become physically.  Pictures as recent as 2 years ago show a very different physical person than I am today.  I cringe at the significant weight I have gained.  I want to cry for who I have become physically -- for I am ashamed.  Where are the health and fitness priorities that were integral to my existence just 2 years ago??

Daily I make the same mistakes over and over again that I have vowed not to make that day.  "No soda today." "I will not stop at Bojangles for breakfast today." "I will eat lunch from the salad bar at work today" (and then end up eating fried chicken). I break every one of those goals daily.  It's disgusting. It's embarrassing. It's frustrating and confusing.

But the worst part about it? I've been struggling and feeling this way for over a year now.  And I haven't been able to ellicit change.

So where do I go with this? What do I do now?

The definition of insanity is to keep doing what you've always done but expect different results.
So how do I get out of the box??