Empty

Aside from a few small boxes, my apartment is empty.  Empty of furniture.  Empty of decor.  Empty of clothes.  Empty of towels.  Even empty of a shower curtain.

So empty.

I think back to a year ago when I moved into this apartment...  I was excited.  Happy.  It was my first solo apartment.  Mine ... at least it was for the first seven months.  And then I made a fateful phone call that led to the deterioration of so much -- my happiness, my solitude, my privacy, my freedom, my haven.

And now?  I've been put in a position where the only thing I can do is leave.  Pack up and run for the hills.

So here I am.  In my empty apartment, prepared to spend my last night on the floor on a blanket.  Tomorrow?  Last minute cleaning between work/class/work, then final walk through at 4pm, and the key hand over.  Where I'll metaphorically ride off into the sunset and not look back.

I'll miss this apartment.  I'll miss the convenience, the awkward layout, the amazing kitchen, the happy memories.  I won't miss the irritation and frustration my house-schleper caused me.

I'm so conflicted about this move.

So I'll sign off and head to bed, because it's an early morning for me!  Work at 6am, Class at 8-4, Walk through at 4, Work at 5.  And then it's off to bed in my new home.  :)

Goodnight, for the last time, 113.  Goodnight.

First day I was here!

And now I bid it adieu.

Let me Tell You Something Good

Ever have a moment with your significant other where you're just kind of quiet together and this feeling of "right-ness" just descends and settles over the two of you, and you kind of look into eachothers eyes and give a half smile, knowing that something major is being said with those eyes, but the mouth refuses to speak it?

Yeah.

I had one of those moments today with Daniel.  In fact, we've had several moments like that this weekend.

I suppose that's love, huh?  Haha.  I haven't been in that position in so long...  It's so nice to feel it again.  It's so nice to be with a man with whom I feel:

() Comfortable
() Looked after
()  Safe
()  Special
()  Important to them
() Petite
()  Cared for (although now that he's said the 'I love you', I think this should this say "Loved")
()  Sexy
()  Wanted
()  Needed
()  Respected

It's been a long time coming.  And I am so appreciative of the relationship that he is contributing to for what he's contributing.  I just pray that I'm holding up my end of the bargain!  LoL.  But I'm pretty sure I am -- seeing as how he's still around :)

Scholarship and Mom

Last week I officially accepted the Work Study Scholarship for the CarolinaEast Rehabilitation Hospital in New Bern, NC.  They will reimburse me for all school expenses (tuition and books) in exchange for two years of employment with them.  I'm still pretty nervous about the two year commitment, but if the past year is any indication, I think that those two years will fly by.

I also made the difficult decision to move.  My last day in the apartment is August 31st.  It's hard for me to believe that date is already this Wednesday!!  I have done most of the moving, but there are a lot of loose ends that have to be tied up in the moving process.  And I'll be going to school and working in the midst of it. I don't know where Mom is going.  As far as I know, she doesn't have a place lined up yet.  But I keep trying to expose her to various tools and resources that she can use.

A part of me has completely cut her out.  That is so awful to say.  So awful to admit.  But she has drained me of sympathy and pity.  I wish things had gone so differently.  I wish I had had more patience.  I wish that I could have been more use to her.  I wish it could have been a more pleasant experience.  I wish she could have respected the temporary arrangement.

I look forward to the move.  There are many financial benefits of moving to this place.  There is more room.  There is a yard. I'LL HAVE CABLE.  It's less convenient to my New Bern life, but it's a small price to pay for sanity.

Making that decision was definitely the hardest decision I've ever had to make.  Without the support I have from my family, my friends, and my boyfriend, I wouldn't have been strong enough to do it.  But I know it had to be done.  And I'm ready to move forward from this incessant drain on my life, my energy, my happiness, my privacy, and my independence (I might have the rest of my life to establish my own identity as my Mother snapped to me one day, but I'll never be 23 again.  I'll never have these days back.  And I refuse to waste my time on something that doesn't foster positivity in my life.)

Oh and I got a Haircut today :)

First an earthquake and now the first major hurricane in the US since 2008, and the first major hurricane to hit NC since 1996 (Hurricane Fran: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_North_Carolina_hurricanes ).  And four of the 8 storm tracks bring it pretty much straight through New Bern... ( http://www.weather.com/maps/news/atlstorm9/spec_floater10_large.html )

Yeah.

I've collected a few of my post prized possessions and will be heading inland about 45 minutes to near by Greenville.  I don't expect any of my abodes to be severely damaged, but you never know with a hurricane.  And this is definitely the biggest one we've had since I've been in the region.  So I'm a little nervous about it.

Outside of the Hurricane, I have a lot on my mind and a lot to blog about, but I feel like I need to let it stew.  So that I can filter and edit and tell it so it says everything I need it to...

What do you think?

Things with Mom have been and continue to deteriorate...  And you know what they say: desperate times call for desperate measures.

After asking her for the second time to move (ie: giving her notice and setting a date), she's thrown both attempts up in the air and is going no where.  This last attempt, her attitude was poor -- it felt like she was saying 'I'm not moving until I'm ready and you can't make me leave'.  Not to mention that she is stopping paying "rent".  And also, not to mention that she continues to drag my guy into her arguments when none of this has any thing to do with him.

She's my Mom.  I'll always have a soft spot in my heart for her.  But she's pushed me too far.  She's used me for too long.  She's not doing anything for herself.  She is stagnant.

An opportunity has presented itself as an escape from this situation for me.  Since she won't move, looks like I'll have to.  A co-worker is looking for a roommate.  I'll save a little money, have cable, have a washer/dryer, have my own space (even my own living room! as there are two), and be in a professional, respectful relationship where one is not taking advantage of the other.

I'm not leaving Mom high and dry.  I plan on talking to my Landlord and seeing if they'll consider renting to her despite her poor credit.  I plan on researching people who are looking for a roommate.  And I plan on looking into low income housing for her.  That way she'll have options.

I'm job hunting FOR her.

I'm looking into any and all assistance programs for her.

I'm doing the leg work for her so she doesn't put herself in a position to be out in the cold.

What do you think?

Relationship Anxiety SOLVED! Thank you commenter! :D

Dear God, I need your help.  I need your love, your guidance, your strength.  I opened my home to her because she had no where to go.  It was only supposed to be for a month.  And when I'm asking her to leave, she refuses.  God I am so angry.  I am a grenade of anger and frustration.  I have lost all respect and care for her.  Lord, I need you so badly right now.  Twice I have given her notice to leave, twice she has refused.  Lord I hate being stuck in my own house.  I hate that she is doing this.  I hate this situation.  I thought I was following your guidance by inviting her here.  Lord, I know you will never put anything in my way that I can't handle -- but Lord, I am not sure how much more of this I can take.  What lesson am I supposed to be learning?  God my heart has been permanently hardened towards her.  And I can't stop this.  God... Please... Just...

(sigh and slump of defeat)