And so begins the testing.  The thin patience.  I am at my wits end.  I am about to lose it.

And she hasn't even gotten here yet.

Grrrrr indeed.

Tonight I have a lot on my mind.

Mom is moving in tomorrow for a month. Or, what is suppossed to only be a month.  What I pray will only be a month.  There is so much stress, anxiety, resentment and anger all built into this.  I fear it will not go well.

And I'm in the midst of a "grrr" moment with Chris.  Perhaps I put too much of my time and my self into letters to him -- they rarely are under 6 pages long.  Perhaps I expected too much of letters from him (even after he told me he isn't a writer).  But I just feel disappointed this week.  No response from an email I sent him (and when I asked about it, he apologized and brushed it off by explaining that he'd been busy, which I'm sure he had been, but that doesn't eliminate my frustration).  And the excitement of receiving letters followed by the disappointment that they were so short -- the longest was 2 pages (one sided) of note pad size...  Sigh.  All I want to do is talk to him and tell him everything.  And getting these letters -- I wonder if I've fallen too hard, too fast for him?  Am I being clingy?  Am I irritating him with my constantly long letters and jabbery emails?  Am I putting myself too far out there?

My friend Suja reminds me to be patient.  That he did warn me that he isn't a wordy person.  That he loves me, and that not everyone can be a letter writer.  Which I know all of this is true.  And I'm trying to remind myself of this.  But I can't shake the irritation right now.  I'm not looking to be catty and go tit-for-tat.  But I don't want to be used.  I'm not, by any means, saying that I'm done or anything like that.  This kid is going to be huge in my life.  And part of a relationship is the frustrations and irritations.  And I'm just in the middle of one of those, where he's 7200 miles away.  Grrrrr indeed.

Good Things Come to Those Who Wait

Patience is a virtue that we are all supposed to strive to embody.  However, it's not just one of those virtues that you can claim to have and by virtue of claim actually have it.  Moving to New Bern was something done with a skeleton of a plan, but mostly just on a whim.  I knew I was moving here early to get settled, but I never imagined the twists and turns I would encounter as a result of moving here.

I've faced some of the most lonely times of my life here, depressive tendencies, anxiety attacks, feeling stuck/trapped because I couldn't change anything, feeling a failure, feeling as if I have been disappointing my family, feeling as if I've been a money pit and a spoiled brat, boredom, financial strain, credit score crisis, inability to go visit friends, fear that this whim was a waste of time/money/prayer.  I've dealt with rude neighbors, rude townspeople, rude clients, rude customers.  I've had a huge reality check about everything -- money, jobs, passion for what I want as a real job, what's necessary versus what's fluff.  I have simplified and simplified and simplified again.  To try and get as close to the bare bones as I could -- because I wanted to.  Because I wanted to appreciate every little thing.  Because I didn't want to be drowning in stuff.  I re-discovered my faith and relationship with God and Jesus Christ.  I found what I hope is l-o-v-e.  I have discovered that I am a very patient, calm, hard to ruffle person and those qualities have been emboldened though the jobs I hold to get me through.  I have discovered a love and passion for peace, serenity, and easy comfort.  I have re-discovered my love of reading out doors, and for running through nice neighborhoods.  I have re-discovered my taste for health, vitality, and wellness.

My trials are not over.  They will never be over.  That is a part of this world -- the stress, chaos, the one-thing-after-another.

And right now, I am teetering between another anxiety attack and excitement.

My Mother has asked to stay with me for about a month.  This is the cause for the potential anxiety attack.  Mom and I do not have a good relationship or a good history.  However, she is literally being kicked out to the streets and has no where to go.  So I offered her one month of shelter.  No extensions.  She will have 30 days to figure her life out with a few less worries.  I want to help her, but I also don't want to feel responsible for a 50 year old woman.  I also don't want to feel guilted into helping her, or stuck with her.  But she has an understanding that it is for one month and one month only, that she will not be sleeping in my bed, and that she will be responsible for her own food and contributing to utilities.  So this has brought me some relief, and I will just have to stand firm.  She needs a reality check.  And unfortunately I'm going to have to give it to her.

But the excitement... An altogether different situation.  I received my summer class schedule for the PTA program, and I am so excited and ready to begin!  Getting a schedule makes it feel like it's really going to happen!  That I'm not going to be left high/dry.  That this is going to work out.  And I'm hoping that the saying "good things come to those who wait" will apply here as well.  That my patience will persevere and this one thing in my life will work out okay.  Despite the major bumps and snafoos (which makes it just like everything else in my life). 



So please, continue praying for me.  Pray that this month with Mom will turn out okay.  Pray that the PTA program will begin sooooon.  Pray that Chris comes home soon and safe and well.  Pray that my family gets back on track.  Pray that we will all get what is promised -- eternal life through Him.  :)

Libya.

War.  I do not like it.  I wish it would end -- America has been at war with multiple foes since I was in high school -- over five years.  Five years of fighting, financial strain, military strain, countless deaths, fear, and an increase in mental illnesses associated with war.

Finally, there is a light at the end of the tunnel with Iraq.  US forces are diminishing in their number and in their role in this tumultuous country.  Although we are not out of Iraq, and probably never will be (similar to Korea), the fact is that we aren't so much at war any longer -- we are at stabalization in Iraq.  A pill much easier swallowed by the troops and their loved ones and the American people.

So the only pot on the stove we really had left to monitor was Afghanistan.  Where fighting has stayed as intense as it has been for several years, with Al Queida strengthening and the fight very much at a standstill due to the gurella war tactics of Al Queida. 

But before we can even re-focus the media attention on Afghanistan, we have begun air strikes against Libya.  Libya, a country in the middle of a civil war where the citizens are trying to topple their government following the leads of Egypt and other Arab nations.  Yes, what Gadhafi was doing was wrong.  But another war? My heart breaks to hear of US military action in this country.  It breaks for the soldiers who just came home and may be facing another deployment.  It breaks for the forces who are already overseas -- will they (and Chris) be required to stay longer and move from their current posts to posts in Libya??  It breaks for the US state of financial insecurity -- for the further debt we will incur from operations and potential war/ground forces in Libya.  It breaks for the safety of the Libyan people and the "broad coalition" that Obama describes (yet only consists of USA, Canada, England, & France.  The Arab nations that "support" this effort haven't even gone public with their support!) that is now out fighting on behalf of the Libyans.

I have a understanding of how the United States came about -- by rebelling like the Libyans are and receiving aid from a foreign country (France) to win that war.  And without France we would likely have lost that war.  And I understand that in this situation (and in Afghanistan and Iraq), we are their France.  But we have already gone to the aid of the peoples of two other countries in my lifetime.  Not to mention the aid we lent in Korea and Vietnam (which are a whole 'nother topic indeed).  Why must we add a third country to our list?

Yes.  Oil.  Economy (keeping those contractors in business is important for the US economy).  Widening political influence and dependence.  Humanitarian aid to the innocents of Libya (although how much this particular reason played into the decision to bomb could be contested -- I am sure other reasons weigh heavier than the responding to the outcry of the Libyans.  Otherwise we would be involved in the real humanitarian needs of the world with our military). 

I am just so sick of war.

I don't want to have to worry that Chris might get sent to this.  I just want our men and women home.  Including mine.  Safely, alive, and well.

Today, I acknowledged something about myself that I've been avoiding/denying for quite some time: I have compulsive tendencies.  Specifically, compulsive tendencies to fritter away my money.  I begin each month with the high hopes and blank slate that this will be the month that I budget my money properly and stick to it, where I make smart decisions, don't use my credit card, pay off my credit card, and begin working on saving my money.  It just feels so overwhelming.  I'm living as simply as I can but I feel like I'm drowning -- like I can't reach the surface to breathe.

I know it will all be okay and that I will pay off my debts and figure out finances for school.  I know it will work out.  But sometimes, the frustration of feeling like I'm making no progress becomes too much for the "glass half full" view and it becomes "glass half empty."  I just want these debts gone.  I want a stable and independent financial life.  I want a career.  I don't want to be dependent on my Dad as much as I am.  I want those things.  And it's so frustrating to feel so stuck, so helpless, that I can't make any progress right now.  It's all hinging on this school situation. And Lord... If it doesn't work out here, I am going to be devestated.

Things I would like:

- Have more time (or rather, be more productive with the time I have been given, but also be allowed lazy time)
- To live in a house (not necessarily purchase, but to rent.  Even just a tiny little thing -- just something with a yard, a patio, and no downstairs or upstairs neighbor noise!)
- To have him home safely, and soon
- That my family would be happy, healthy, and financially secure
- God's forever grace and forgivness and acceptance to be shared with me
- To begin and complete school so that I might finally find a career
- A doggie

In many ways, I feel lucky that Chris deployed so early in our relationship.  Yes, it's ridiculously difficult.  Yes, I miss him like crazy.  Yes, there are tears.  But I look around, at the amazing women who are also dealing with this monster called "deployment," I realize that they have it so much harder than I do.

The young mothers.  The young/new brides.  The wives who have been around the d-block a time or two.  These women have it so much harder, I think.  They have young children to raise alone for months.  They have an established routine with their husband which has been eradicated by the deployment -- they have to completely re-organize their lives.  They have to take on more -- the role of husband AND wife.  They are used to having him every night by their side.  The young brides have to bid adieu to their new husband just when things are settling down for them...  The experienced wives have the cross of multiple deployments to endure -- another notch in their lipstick case.

And me?  I have enough of a foundation to know I will wait for him faithfully and loyally.  But when he left, I was not dependent on having him here, everyday, quite yet.  I loved having him by my side, but it was still so new that to not have him there does feel awkward, but it's not unusual either.  I don't have young children to care for and explain why Daddy isn't here, or to comfort when they miss him.  I don't have to keep up with his bills in addition to mine.  Instead, I just have a flame of hope to nurture.  Hope for what he will be to my life when he comes home.  Hope for something real.  Hope that for the first time, I've found someone different than those I've found before. 

There are lonely moments, where I miss him to the core, where I wish he were here to be experiencing something with me, or to be there to tell about my day.  Where a song comes on and I tear up because I think of him.  But I can't complain about this lot I've been so graciously given.  This is a cross I can, will, and don't mind bearing.  Because even though it's hard, I remind myself that there are so many women who have it so much harder/worse than I do.

This distance...  It will test us.  It will answer a lot of my questions about the "right-ness" of he and I.  It will show me whether or not it is meant to be.  I still have fears.  I fear that he will lose interest.  I fear that we will grow apart and my letters won't be enough to keep this sustained.  I fear that I will wait faithfully and loyally for him, and that in the end, it won't be right, it won't work out, and he'll leave -- just like the others.  My heart has fallen, but my fear is the bungee cord that keeps the heart dangling just above the waters.

Dear Self:

I am so proud of you!  You have made such positive strides and changes in your life!  Don't stop now!!!  Yes, it can be hard to find the motivation to put yourself through an Insanity workout, or to resist the bacon/chips/cheez-itz/fastfood, or to wake up early to get your productive day started, or to clean the apartment.  But you know how much better you feel afterwards...  You have done so well, don't give up now or ever!

Work hard, THEN reward yourself with productive down time (reading, crocheting, scrapbooking).  YOU CAN DO THIS!  Make good choices every time you have a choice, because every little decision does build up into making a difference.  That oatmeal cream pie WILL make a difference.  Skipping that one workout WILL make a difference (and might lead to more skipped workouts!).  So dig your heels in and just get it done and over with.  :)

Love,
Your Healthier Self

A Fat Loss Lifestyle???

As I'm lounging on my couch and procrastinating my Insanity workout, I'm contemplating this idea of a "Fat Loss Lifestyle."  This is a lifestyle that I've always wanted to live, but have never committed enough to my own health to actually make it happen.  But I'm finally at a point where something has to give.  I eat like I have eaten in my past (say I'm pressed for time and stop by the Bojangles to pick up a quick meal) and my body gets very very mad at me for it!  Then I treat my body like a temple and fuel it properly and it says thank youuuu.  So I'm at the cross roads.  I'm very much aware that it's time to stop treating my body like a trash can, but old habits can die hard.

So now I'm moving towards this concept of the "Fat Loss Lifestyle."  This is the new wave of nutrition and exercise, people.  And I'm a fan!  It's not about starving yourself.  It's about fueling your body!  This has totally changed my approach to eating.  Instead of saying "What would taste great right now?"  I say "What can I eat that will give my body what it needs?"  Sounds like common sense, but I have never approached eating like this!!

So the need for change, and the desire to change has been established.  Now I need to educate myself on how to change properly.  So I thought I'd share with you some excellent sources of information.

The most prestigious source I can share with you is Metabolic Effect.  They have books, training, certification, everything.  They are the scholarly muscle behind this movement.  And they're great.  You can fan them on their facebook page here and learn all SORTS of stuff!  They sometimes even post free webinars!  Seriously awesome!

But I am coming across some articles that contain some great tips and information:
3 Simple Rules
7 Tips We Can Learn from Bodybuilders
What Kind of Exercise You Should Be Doing to Lose Fat (as a side note; workouts by BeachBody Fitness such as the Insanity workouts are built on these foundations!  That's why they are all so successful and really work!)
Information Isn't Transformation
Bodybuilding (the lessons shared here apply to a fat loss lifestyle as well!)


So here I go -- Here I begin trying to live a better, healthier life with better choices.  :) 

Another Savory Meal!

1.5 C Progresso High Fiber Three Bean Chili with Beef

1 Light English Muffin

1 T Whipped Chive Cream Cheese

DELICIOUS!!!

Full Circle: School

It has been one hell of a week...

A week wrought with drama.  A week wrought with emotion.  A week wrought with thought, consideration, and decision.  There were many ups and downs this week. 

Some of the ups included recieving some communication from Chris -- he is safely at Camp Leatherneck and is settling in.  His morale seems to be high so far, so we're both off to a good start for this deployment!  His two communications have been excellent surprises and both made my days.  :)

Another up was doing some PT shadowing and some volunteer work with the Special Olympics.

An up and down was the whole school/future thing.  I think I've made a decision, and unsurprisingly I've included my original plan--getting my PTA, working for a year or so, then going for my DPT!  This decision came from finances, and from the fact that I'm already accepted into the PTA Program.

I'm very scared that this may be a wrong decision.  That I will fall flat on my face.  But I'm also excited.  The PTA program has begun sending out book lists and course listings, and all the classes are interesting to me -- I'm going to learn so much!!  I hope I succeed in PTA as well as I succeeded in college, and I hope that this leads me to a profitable career.

Then, when I'm financally secure and mentally ready, I can pursue my DPT if I still want to!  I know this was my original plan, but I was thrown for so many loops the past couple of weeks that I was so lost and confused.  I didn't know if that was God telling me this wasn't going to be right for me, or if it was God testing me and putting me through as much as I could handle to make me stronger.  I know that everything happens for a reason, so I just need to trust in the decisions that I've made and move forward, knowing that obstacles are going to come, but that I can overcome every single one of them with the love of my friends/family and with God by my side.  Reminds me of the worship song:::: "And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?" (Our God, versions sung by Chris Tomlin among others) 

Through this crazy emotional turmoil I've been through, I finally feel at peace.  I'm no longer worried.  I'm going to trust, I'm going to stick my neck out, and I'm going to be patient.  The Lord works in mysterioius ways, and I trust in Him.

But I really wasted a lot of energy and anxiety over this decision, since I'm right back where I started!!  Haha.