In many ways, I feel lucky that Chris deployed so early in our relationship.  Yes, it's ridiculously difficult.  Yes, I miss him like crazy.  Yes, there are tears.  But I look around, at the amazing women who are also dealing with this monster called "deployment," I realize that they have it so much harder than I do.

The young mothers.  The young/new brides.  The wives who have been around the d-block a time or two.  These women have it so much harder, I think.  They have young children to raise alone for months.  They have an established routine with their husband which has been eradicated by the deployment -- they have to completely re-organize their lives.  They have to take on more -- the role of husband AND wife.  They are used to having him every night by their side.  The young brides have to bid adieu to their new husband just when things are settling down for them...  The experienced wives have the cross of multiple deployments to endure -- another notch in their lipstick case.

And me?  I have enough of a foundation to know I will wait for him faithfully and loyally.  But when he left, I was not dependent on having him here, everyday, quite yet.  I loved having him by my side, but it was still so new that to not have him there does feel awkward, but it's not unusual either.  I don't have young children to care for and explain why Daddy isn't here, or to comfort when they miss him.  I don't have to keep up with his bills in addition to mine.  Instead, I just have a flame of hope to nurture.  Hope for what he will be to my life when he comes home.  Hope for something real.  Hope that for the first time, I've found someone different than those I've found before. 

There are lonely moments, where I miss him to the core, where I wish he were here to be experiencing something with me, or to be there to tell about my day.  Where a song comes on and I tear up because I think of him.  But I can't complain about this lot I've been so graciously given.  This is a cross I can, will, and don't mind bearing.  Because even though it's hard, I remind myself that there are so many women who have it so much harder/worse than I do.

This distance...  It will test us.  It will answer a lot of my questions about the "right-ness" of he and I.  It will show me whether or not it is meant to be.  I still have fears.  I fear that he will lose interest.  I fear that we will grow apart and my letters won't be enough to keep this sustained.  I fear that I will wait faithfully and loyally for him, and that in the end, it won't be right, it won't work out, and he'll leave -- just like the others.  My heart has fallen, but my fear is the bungee cord that keeps the heart dangling just above the waters.