Today, I acknowledged something about myself that I've been avoiding/denying for quite some time: I have compulsive tendencies.  Specifically, compulsive tendencies to fritter away my money.  I begin each month with the high hopes and blank slate that this will be the month that I budget my money properly and stick to it, where I make smart decisions, don't use my credit card, pay off my credit card, and begin working on saving my money.  It just feels so overwhelming.  I'm living as simply as I can but I feel like I'm drowning -- like I can't reach the surface to breathe.

I know it will all be okay and that I will pay off my debts and figure out finances for school.  I know it will work out.  But sometimes, the frustration of feeling like I'm making no progress becomes too much for the "glass half full" view and it becomes "glass half empty."  I just want these debts gone.  I want a stable and independent financial life.  I want a career.  I don't want to be dependent on my Dad as much as I am.  I want those things.  And it's so frustrating to feel so stuck, so helpless, that I can't make any progress right now.  It's all hinging on this school situation. And Lord... If it doesn't work out here, I am going to be devestated.