Today is my first day of school!  The PTA program is finally under weigh, and it's going to be one hell of a ride for the next five months!  I have class Monday-Saturday 8-5(or 6)pm from today until May 20th to try and catch us up and stay on track to graduate in May 2012.  Then summer semester begins May 23rd and we'll have class Monday-Friday 8-5pm.  Then Fall Semester begins a couple weeks after that, and they have described that schedule as being much less intense, with split labs :)

I'm terrified of starting.  This month is going to be at such a break neck speed that I'm terrified of falling behind.  I don't know when I'm going to have time to study, since we're in class all day, and then most evenings I'll be working.  But I can't give up working because I have to figure out a way to pay for my school.  And I'm doing this on my own!  I'm excited about paying for this on my own -- it makes me feel very proud of myself to accomplish this on my own.

It's just going to be a very intense, tough couple of months where I'm going to have to be very careful with my time management....  Lots of late nights and early mornings.  :-/

BUT IT'S MY FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL! :) :) :) :) :)

Oh.My.Gosh... My mother is a blabber-er.  Dear Lord, I pray to you today for patience...

Some people live in the past.  And those same people love to gossip.  It's annoying when these people seem to always bring up the least bright points of my most recent past.  Perhaps it's done innocently, but even so, the fact is that they shouldn't be so concerned with the things that I have done, but instead on the things that they have done.

I don't like negative gossip.  I don't participate in it.  I don't spread it. And I certainly don't like being the subject of it when I've done nothing wrong, yet someone is using me as a pawn to make them look bigger and badder than they are.  It's just so pathetic! It is a waste of human energy that could be put to much better use. 

I will be the first person to admit that I am not proud of things that I have done in the past.   But the fact is, regardless of how immature some of the things I've done are, I have had a blast growing up the past couple of years.  I've gone out, had a ton of fun, cried a little, spoke my mind (some times too quickly), and moved on from one thing to the next (boys, hobbies, living spaces, friends, etc).  And yes, I've been with some people who weren't exactly cream of the crop, and who I look back on with embarrassment.  But that's my embarrassment, my past, my experiences to deal with.  Not someone else's who wasn't in the relationship to dredge up and sprinkle around and inspect.

UGH!

I'm a little worked up.
But even so, I love these someones because they are amazing, loyal people who have my back and my best interests at heart.  Even if they do sometimes unintentionally burn me a little.  Although the one who is using me as a pawn, I think he can go to hell (not a Christian thing to say, but then again, neither are his actions).  And other than that, he isn't worth my energy.  He's wasting his life and going no where.  Thank GOD I dodged THAT bullet!

I am... What are you?

I am...  What am I??

I am quiet -- listening, observing, making conclusions, reading people.
I am open minded to others thoughts and opinions, but I may not take them as my own.
By the same token, I can be easily influenced on some things.
I am hard working.  And I don't like it when other people work harder than I do.
I am lazy.  There are so many things that I could do in my "off" time, but I never seem to get any of it accomplished.
I am honest.  But kind about it.  I won't lie for you.  I won't lie about what I'm feeling or thinking.  It's so much better when people are honest with one another.
I am emotional.  I cry easily.
I am a giver.  I give too much of myself to people in my life -- usually to the ones who don't deserve it.
I am strong.  Strong in the faith that I will be okay.  That I will achieve my dreams.  That I will make something of myself and be happy.  Strong in my love for God and for my devotion to Him.
I am weak.  Easy to give in to certain temptations -- particularly jelly bean temptations, among others.
I have an uncanny ability to be able to put my foot in  my mouth (figuratively).
I am a hopeless (and helpless) romantic.  I want to believe in love, and want the happy ending, and look for that in each guy that comes along.  And instead, I don't choose selectively enough.  (see previous post)
I am a lover of beauty -- colors, shapes.  Flowers, photography, art, sunsets, sunrises, forests, beaches, rivers, mountains...
I am a simple person who likes to live simply, surrounding herself with experiences instead of things.
I am a crafter.  I enjoy making something out of nothing.  I have a millions projects I want to make, and have made so little progress on any of it!
I am a morning person.
I am thankful for everything I have had, have currently, and will be blessed with in the future.  I am spoiled by the goodness of my life.
I am spoiled by the graciousness of God.  :-D
I am self-conscious.
I am slightly lonely.  Time to get a dog...Soon anyway.
I am scared -- of what the future holds, where I will be and what I will be doing (and will anyone be with me?).  I don't like the unknown.
I am not a cat person.
I am a dog person.
I am a reader.
I am a lover of word searches, but not of crossword puzzles (they make me feel dumb).
I am shy.
I am trying to be a runner.
I am a people pleaser.


Those are some of the things (most of the things) I am.  What are you?

Finally... I am up way too late!!! Time for bed :) :)

"Coincidence is God's way of Remaining Anonymous" ~Albert Einstein

About a month ago, my sister asked me if I'd be interested in coming to Clemson for a Zac Brown Band concert.  As if I could have said no!  So plans were made a little over a month ago for a family weekend -- we'd go to a baseball game, visit the spring football game, do the concert, tailgate, and enjoy the scenic area of Clemson.  At the time, I was looking forward to this weekend not only for the time I'd get to spend with my family (I hadn't gone to visit my Dad in Seneca SC in almost exactly one year) and the fun activities we'd participate in, but also as a distraction from Chris being gone. 

The day before I was to leave for this trip (which was this past weekend, by the way), Chris broke up with me.  "Coincidence is God's way of remaining anonymous." ~Albert Einstein 

As I'm sure you can gather from my previous posts, it was not at all expected.  I was blindsided.  And I was devestated.  Suddenly this trip (a seven hour drive one way, as I must mention) became overwhelming, and it became chore-like.  I didn't want to muster the energy, enthusiasm, or thought to pack.  I didn't want to have to focus on driving.  I didn't want to show up at my family's door in shambles when this was suppossed to be such a positive, fun weekend.  I wasn't sure I could hold myself together.  I was dreading it.

But I went.

And I don't think Chris chose Wednesday night coincidentally.  I think that was God.  That was God chosing the best time for something so painful and hurtful to happen.  Because He knew that the next day, I would be whisked away to a different place with distractions -- fun distractions -- and people who truly love me and accept me (my family).  And it was the best weekend ever.  We were so busy and had such a great time.

The concert was amazing.  The spring football game was dull but neat.  The baseball game was great.  The food was delicious.  The beer was cold.  The weather was sunny and warm.  My family was kind and didn't bring it up to me once and they were such a pillar of strength and encouragement and love.  It was such an amazing weekend of healing.  I feel so much better.  So much more whole.  So much more able to look to the future and see something bright. 

Chris is a memory, but it feels so much more distant than it actually is.  So much less painful.  Because instead of focusing on him and what happened, I'm turning my focus to me.  Again.

I go through these periods; these ups and downs.  I begin wanting to focus on me -- to better myself, to do things I want to do, to create and learn and volunteer and do good.  Then I get lonely.   I feel like I'll never meet "the One".  Then a guy comes along.  So it feels like it's a sign -- that we're meant to be.  And I latch onto him.  And "me" goes out the window.  And everything is happy and sunny for a while.  Then it all comes crashing down.

Balancing this load is tricky.  On one hand, a modern girl wants to be independent, self-sufficient, have a career and personal interests.  But on the other hand, a modern girl also wants to be the perfect girlfriend (then fiance, then wife, then mother), putting her man first, doing things for him to prove that she is "the perfect girl for him."  And then you have girls like me, who haven't mastered the balance.  Who can only do one hand at a time.

Adam, my sisters not-boyfriend boyfriend, came to Clemson this weekend and carpooled with me.  On the ride home today, we were talking (as two passengers must do on a 3.5 hour trip), and the subject of my lack of luck with men was lightly brushed.  And in this very light conversation, Adam made a good point.  It went something along these lines: "You have to be careful with who you think is a good guy.  You can't just jump the gun and say they're a good guy until they've done something to earn that right." 

And it just kind of clicked.  As soon as a guy comes into my life, I have a tendency to just put them in the "good guy" category.  They never have to work for that title, or for anything else.  It's not that I don't have standards, because there are many guys who don't get into my life or who don't get very far.  It's that I'm too quick to brush under the rug something suspicious or negative to shine the spotlight on a more acceptable quality.  You could sugar coat this and just say that I want to believe the best in people.  And this is true.  But it's a half truth. 

I need a dependable, reliable, trust-worthy guy who is going to earn not only those characteristics with me, but also the title of "good guy" and "boyfriend".  I can't treat myself as a second hand store when I'm selling first hand products.

But anyways.  So I've returned home after a much needed, very appropriate, perfectly timed weekend with my family with a lighter heart, some self-inspection, and a whole lot of question marks about what to do next and what life will bring me next.  And although there is a lot that I can do, sometimes you just have to wait it out and see if the eggs you've laid in these nests will hatch before you start laying other eggs.... (Referring to school, of course)

You know, I know that "it'll happen when it's meant to be," but it's so irritating to constantly be let down and crushed.  I made a decision to make a concession for love -- to stick around in New Bern -- basically completely for Chris, and here I am.  Dumped.  I'm still so much in shock.  I'm still so hurt.  I feel so used.  And yet I'm numb.

Not to mention I turned down the offer of part time shift leader at Bath and Body Works.  I just didn't feel like it was going to be worth it...  I'd lose my health insurance.  I wouldn't be able to teach at the Y in the evenings.  And I'd have even less flexibility in my schedule than I have now.  And after I ran the numbers, I'd only make $10 more a week. 

I can't quite believe anything in my life right now.  This isn't what I was expecting on any front.  But that's life, right?  Time for me to do some serious praying -- for healing, for guidance, for re-assurance.

Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd Chris just broke up with me via email.

Talk about blind-sided.  Talk about devestated and destroyed. 

I know I'll be okay.  I know God has a plan.  I know that it'll be okay.

And a part of me has to be thankful that it happened -- that I didn't get wrapped up in a relationship with a guy who clearly can't commit and is flaky.  Because I need steady and reliable and dependent.  I need a real man who treats me right and respects me and loves me.

But I feel so damaged.  Typical, right?  Cliche, right?  But I do.  They've all walked out.  They've all given up.  And I'm left gaping, and I find myself, once again, too busy with the tape and glue.

Raw.

Today I am thankful for so many things....

1.  I am well on my way to becoming a Shift Leader at Bath and Body Works!  I've passed the round two interview, and they will be making me an offer on Friday.

2.  I am so incredibly proud of Mom!   this is a huge huge HUGE step for her! 
3.  The soreness my body feels from the double workout I did today.  LOVE IT!

4.  I am accepting the fact that I won't hear from Chris much.  It's a weight that's lifting off my heart.  I'm no longer expectantly checking my email or mailbox, because I have no expectation of receiving anything.  My weekly letters will continue, the monthly carepackages will continue, and my occasional emails to him will continue as well.  It's just I'm not expecting anything in return (regardless of how much I want something in return).  I know there will be several days and nights where the weight, sadness, and loneliness will return.  But it's easier than it was before without that expectation.

5.  I am thankful for the Love that I have for the Lord and the Love that the Lord gives to me.

So it's been about two weeks since I've heard anything from Chris.  This is by far the hardest thing I've done yet.  Not the remaining loyal part -- that part is easy.  But the not hearing from him part -- that sucks.  And getting a two word email as the only communication in this two weeks?  I don't know if it did more harm than good for me.  I'm constantly battling in my mind -- fighting between worry that he's shutting me out and between convincing myself that he's busy, stressed, and miserable and is just trying to survive (Afghan Officer Kills 2 Americans, Quran protests spread to eastern Afghanistan, and Afghanistan Explodes after Quran Burning are just a few examples that illustrate how Afghanistan is no longer a hole of boredom for our troops -- it's a hole of suck).  I hope it's the latter (that he isn't ignorning me.  I obviously don't want him miserable)and not the former, I'm pretty sure it's the latter and not the former, but I still have that tiny seed of doubt...

Doubt.  One nasty demon.  Let.Me.Tell.You.  I've seen doubt do horrible things to people, to relationships, to careers, to students.  It's the sneakiest form of evil I think there is.  It's also quite possibly one of the most selfish forms of evil.  Doubt can be a cry out for attention -- just like mine is.  And yes, sometimes you need attention (or in my case, an email!).  But a lot of times, it's just overkill.

So when things are rough and the doubt is nagging and the sadness is creeping in (like it does at times like right now), it's harder to fight.  It's easier to give in and email him ten times in two days, begging to hear from him.  But the easy route isn't the best route.  So I choose the harder fight.  The be quiet, be patient, and wait route.  The pray, distract myself, cry if need-be, and then suck it up route.  The remind myself to stop being selfish route.  I take a moment to read Deployment Correspondence (Or Lack Thereof).  I read a chapter in my "Left Behind" book (whichever one I'm reading at the time).  I read a chapter in The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands (and yes, although I am not married or even engaged, these lessons are lessons that can be learned before those commitments, during dating -- to start habits and relationships in the green instead of fostering bad habits.  And amazingly, I am altering how I approach some things about this deployment as a result of some of the things I've read in this book.  I highly recommend it!).  I read some of the Bible.  I go workout.  I work on some crochet.  I blog.  I clean.  Anything to take my mind off the fact that he isn't here and I'm not hearing from him.

How many more posts identical to this one will I write in the upcoming months?  Countless, I'm sure.  But the repetition won't be intentional.  I do not analyze what I've already written about.  I write about what is bothering me, what is weighing my heart down, what's on my mind.  Each future entry similar to this one will be as fresh of a wound as the wound I'm nursing tonight.  Loneliness is not something that just magically goes away.  It's like the tides of the ocean -- it's always there, but sometimes it's a high tide and sometimes it's a low tide.

Superstitions

So I have some pretty hardcore superstitions about necklaces that your hunny gives you.  Like.  I really believe these superstitions!

1.  If the clasp gets turned around to the front, next to the charm, without you realizing it, then your hunny is thinking about you.  And there's something about turning the clasp to the back of your neck -- that sends a little love out into the universe that eventually flies over the ocean and sand and is delivered to him.

2.  If your necklace gets a knot in the chain, this is a good omen.  You should not undo the knot in the chain.  Because each knot symbolizes that you will be together for an extended period of time.  I dated one guy who gave me a necklace.  The necklace got three knots in it.  We broke up one week before our fourth anniversary-- we were together for three years.  A knot might mean a year, a knot might mean 10, but either way -- it's going to be there for a while.
3.  If your necklace's chain breaks -- this is a bad omen.  You can get it fixed, but the bad juju remains.  This foretells that you and your hunny will not last (despite how many knots you have). 
4.  You should wear your necklace all the time.  It's an act of devotion, loyalty, care, and love.


The necklace Chris gave me a week before he left -- got its first knot in my sleep last night.  :-D