So it's been about two weeks since I've heard anything from Chris.  This is by far the hardest thing I've done yet.  Not the remaining loyal part -- that part is easy.  But the not hearing from him part -- that sucks.  And getting a two word email as the only communication in this two weeks?  I don't know if it did more harm than good for me.  I'm constantly battling in my mind -- fighting between worry that he's shutting me out and between convincing myself that he's busy, stressed, and miserable and is just trying to survive (Afghan Officer Kills 2 Americans, Quran protests spread to eastern Afghanistan, and Afghanistan Explodes after Quran Burning are just a few examples that illustrate how Afghanistan is no longer a hole of boredom for our troops -- it's a hole of suck).  I hope it's the latter (that he isn't ignorning me.  I obviously don't want him miserable)and not the former, I'm pretty sure it's the latter and not the former, but I still have that tiny seed of doubt...

Doubt.  One nasty demon.  Let.Me.Tell.You.  I've seen doubt do horrible things to people, to relationships, to careers, to students.  It's the sneakiest form of evil I think there is.  It's also quite possibly one of the most selfish forms of evil.  Doubt can be a cry out for attention -- just like mine is.  And yes, sometimes you need attention (or in my case, an email!).  But a lot of times, it's just overkill.

So when things are rough and the doubt is nagging and the sadness is creeping in (like it does at times like right now), it's harder to fight.  It's easier to give in and email him ten times in two days, begging to hear from him.  But the easy route isn't the best route.  So I choose the harder fight.  The be quiet, be patient, and wait route.  The pray, distract myself, cry if need-be, and then suck it up route.  The remind myself to stop being selfish route.  I take a moment to read Deployment Correspondence (Or Lack Thereof).  I read a chapter in my "Left Behind" book (whichever one I'm reading at the time).  I read a chapter in The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands (and yes, although I am not married or even engaged, these lessons are lessons that can be learned before those commitments, during dating -- to start habits and relationships in the green instead of fostering bad habits.  And amazingly, I am altering how I approach some things about this deployment as a result of some of the things I've read in this book.  I highly recommend it!).  I read some of the Bible.  I go workout.  I work on some crochet.  I blog.  I clean.  Anything to take my mind off the fact that he isn't here and I'm not hearing from him.

How many more posts identical to this one will I write in the upcoming months?  Countless, I'm sure.  But the repetition won't be intentional.  I do not analyze what I've already written about.  I write about what is bothering me, what is weighing my heart down, what's on my mind.  Each future entry similar to this one will be as fresh of a wound as the wound I'm nursing tonight.  Loneliness is not something that just magically goes away.  It's like the tides of the ocean -- it's always there, but sometimes it's a high tide and sometimes it's a low tide.