This is my husband and I's first Christmas together as husband and wife. And when it comes to Christmas, my husband and I couldn't be any more different. Normally I embrace our differences, but our Christmas differences seem to cause a little more friction than normal. :(
I love Christmas. I find such joy in looking for the right gifts, wrapping them, and watching the recipients reactions when they open the gifts. Daniel does not feel this way. It's more like "what can I get away with?" and "how little can I spend?" and "how can I make this the easiest?"
Which may be rooted in the fact that his family is huge. And every piece of it wants to host a gathering.
I love his family. Truly, I do. It has been so wonderful to be surrounded by so many family members -- an experience that I never got growing up. I feel so close to them...
But I am not used to having so many Christmas gatherings. And I had a meltdown about how demanding Christmas is this year. We no longer get to have Christmas Day to ourselves. We no longer get to take our time, spend the day in PJ's, and create our own traditions and memories. And I'm a little bitter about it. And I'm embarassed that I'm bitter. Because I really don't do bitterness (bitterness tears relationships apart!).
It wasn't until this morning that I realized that it wasn't because I don't love his family. It wasn't because I don't enjoy being with them. It wasn't because I don't want to get together with them over Christmas.
It was because in my entire life, I have never lived this close to extended family, and so we never had Christmas like this. We didn't have multiple gatherings throughout the week. We traveled to grandparents when our schedule allowed and exchanged presents only with grandparents and picked up gifts left by aunts/uncles when they were last at grandparents.
So my melt down was because I was so unprepared for the demands of a huge and close family over Christmas. The bitterness isn't as strong when I realize this. They aren't trying to "rob" us of our Christmas. They aren't intentionally trying to disrupt our plans. They are just doing what they've done every year, that I wasn't near enough to experience before this year.
Saturday, December 20, 2014
Tuesday, December 2, 2014
"I haven't accomplished anything," She said.
Yesterday I was having a conversation with my coworker; we were discussing how quickly the year has gone by and how we couldn't believe it was already December and that a new year was just days away. As we were conversing on this topic, my coworker made some points that really made me stop and think....
"I hate this time of year. Because the year is already almost over and I always wonder, 'What did I accomplish?' Nothing. I spend my days living for the weekend and then I spend the weekends accomplishing nothing. I didn't go to any of the places/events I wanted to, I didn't lose any weight, I didn't really learn anything new, I didn't change any habits, I didn't accomplish any of my goals or make the year productive."
Okay... That may not be a completely direct quote, but that is pretty much what was said. And this comment struck me for several reasons.
The first of which, what a terrible attitude! Now this particular coworker is not exactly someone you can rely on for sunshine and rainbows on a cloudy day; and she may take after Eeyore a bit more than she'd like to admit. But even so -- what a terrible attitude! To spend your weeks living for the weekend essentially says that you hate your job, what you do, who you impact. I 100% understand that she dreads her commute (because like me she drives about an hour each way to get to work) and that the commute is wearying. But really -- is there no joy in each day?!
And then I realized that lately I have become guilty of the exact same drive -- of living for the weekends. It's not that I dislike my job, what I do, or who I help every day. It's that I would rather be home with my husband. It's that the lack of teamwork and the poor morale in the office gets to be very tiring. It's that often I feel "jipped" and get stuck doing what others don't want to do. And that attitude is very dangerous!
The second reaction I had to her statement was the truth in the lack of accomplishment of goals. And futhermore, did I even set true goals in January?? Were they goals that instantly created passion and determination? Or were they what could be called perfunctory goals; goals made because it is something that should be accomplished and that I sort of want accomplished but aren't really interested in putting forth the work/effort? Now I won't say that I didn't learn anything; because I did. I won't say I didn't grow as a person and as a Christian, because I did. But I will admit that there is definitely a lack of goal setting, goal achieving, and passion in regards to goals set.
The third reaction I had was what can I do to make each day count more and be more satisfying, more fulfilling, more productive? Immediately my very recent projects that as yet had not been completed popped into my mind. My wedding scrapbook is only 70% completed and I haven't worked on it in probably 2-3 weeks. Daniel's Christmas stocking that hasn't even been started and the Christmas season is already here (and he will be forced to use a dollar store stocking this year). Being more diligent with my daily Bible devotions and finishing each week's homework (that hasn't happened yet!). Making time to spend with my local friends (again; hasn't happened yet except for once!). Yes. Instead of coming home from work and just "plopping on the couch," I should be more regular about working on something!
It all comes down to attitude and intention.
Each day should be appreciated and spent wisely. So that at the end of the year, we aren't left with this nagging feeling of failure or pointlessness.
"I hate this time of year. Because the year is already almost over and I always wonder, 'What did I accomplish?' Nothing. I spend my days living for the weekend and then I spend the weekends accomplishing nothing. I didn't go to any of the places/events I wanted to, I didn't lose any weight, I didn't really learn anything new, I didn't change any habits, I didn't accomplish any of my goals or make the year productive."
Okay... That may not be a completely direct quote, but that is pretty much what was said. And this comment struck me for several reasons.
The first of which, what a terrible attitude! Now this particular coworker is not exactly someone you can rely on for sunshine and rainbows on a cloudy day; and she may take after Eeyore a bit more than she'd like to admit. But even so -- what a terrible attitude! To spend your weeks living for the weekend essentially says that you hate your job, what you do, who you impact. I 100% understand that she dreads her commute (because like me she drives about an hour each way to get to work) and that the commute is wearying. But really -- is there no joy in each day?!
And then I realized that lately I have become guilty of the exact same drive -- of living for the weekends. It's not that I dislike my job, what I do, or who I help every day. It's that I would rather be home with my husband. It's that the lack of teamwork and the poor morale in the office gets to be very tiring. It's that often I feel "jipped" and get stuck doing what others don't want to do. And that attitude is very dangerous!
9 What do workers gain from their toil? 10 I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. 11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet[a] no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. 12 I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. 13 That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God. 14 I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that people will fear him.Ecclesiastes 3
Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for menColossians 3:23
The soul of the sluggard craves and gets nothing, while the soul of the diligent is richly supplied.Proverbs 13:4
For even when we were with you, we would give you this command: If anyone is not willing to work, let him not eat. For we hear that some among you walk in idleness, not busy at work, but busybodies. Now such persons we command and encourage in the Lord Jesus Christ to do their work quietly and to earn their own living.2 Thessalonians 3:10-12\
Do all things without grumbling or questioning, that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world,Phillipians 2:14-15
The second reaction I had to her statement was the truth in the lack of accomplishment of goals. And futhermore, did I even set true goals in January?? Were they goals that instantly created passion and determination? Or were they what could be called perfunctory goals; goals made because it is something that should be accomplished and that I sort of want accomplished but aren't really interested in putting forth the work/effort? Now I won't say that I didn't learn anything; because I did. I won't say I didn't grow as a person and as a Christian, because I did. But I will admit that there is definitely a lack of goal setting, goal achieving, and passion in regards to goals set.
The third reaction I had was what can I do to make each day count more and be more satisfying, more fulfilling, more productive? Immediately my very recent projects that as yet had not been completed popped into my mind. My wedding scrapbook is only 70% completed and I haven't worked on it in probably 2-3 weeks. Daniel's Christmas stocking that hasn't even been started and the Christmas season is already here (and he will be forced to use a dollar store stocking this year). Being more diligent with my daily Bible devotions and finishing each week's homework (that hasn't happened yet!). Making time to spend with my local friends (again; hasn't happened yet except for once!). Yes. Instead of coming home from work and just "plopping on the couch," I should be more regular about working on something!
It all comes down to attitude and intention.
Each day should be appreciated and spent wisely. So that at the end of the year, we aren't left with this nagging feeling of failure or pointlessness.
Saturday, November 22, 2014
It's been a bit of an emotional day...
First I closed my bank account that I have literally had all my life. Emotional that one more piece of "me" is dissolved to make way for "we." I didn't exactly mind the decision, but it's just one more thing changed.
Then this evening Daniel and I went to see Mockingjay Part 1 -- excellent movie! But it really affected me for some reason... I left feeling very paranoid/hyper aware of my surroundings, feeling very alone and disconnected.
After the movie, I got to chit chat with Pops, and found out that one of my family members is engaged to a fella on the other side of the country. I'm thrilled for her, but the selfish part of me is sad that she will soon be moving west again...
All of this combined and I'm just drained. I need girlfriends in this town, but it's hard to meet friends when I work an hour away...
First I closed my bank account that I have literally had all my life. Emotional that one more piece of "me" is dissolved to make way for "we." I didn't exactly mind the decision, but it's just one more thing changed.
Then this evening Daniel and I went to see Mockingjay Part 1 -- excellent movie! But it really affected me for some reason... I left feeling very paranoid/hyper aware of my surroundings, feeling very alone and disconnected.
After the movie, I got to chit chat with Pops, and found out that one of my family members is engaged to a fella on the other side of the country. I'm thrilled for her, but the selfish part of me is sad that she will soon be moving west again...
All of this combined and I'm just drained. I need girlfriends in this town, but it's hard to meet friends when I work an hour away...
Tuesday, November 18, 2014
Mental Illness
Today is my day off from work, as I spent the weekend at work working. So I guess you can call it a comp day -- a "We're sorry you had to work this weekend... Take a weekday off so you maintain your sanity and so we don't have to pay you overtime" day.
And as usual, I was ready for this day off. Work has become increasingly trying to me -- I have become more and more frustrated and affected with the bickering between co-workers. So to have a day off and a day away is welcomed.
My plans? Nada!
I'm enjoying having the day to myself -- completely to myself. No errands. Very few chores. Heck, I haven't even turned the TV on yet. But I did watch a movie this morning on Netflix -- Silver Linings Playbook.
I wasn't sure if this was a movie I wanted to see (hence why I didn't see it in theaters or rent it via Redbox), but this morning I pressed play. And I was instantly drawn into the story of a broken man with a broken heart and a mental illness who tries to cope with life and find his way back to himself. I connected to the main character because of some familial experiences. I connected to the supporting actress because of my personal roles in others lives -- playing the healer, the helper, the encourager, the distracter. It so beautifully and appropriately displayed the effects of depression and bipolar disorder... It really hit home for me and my experiences with others.
I don't really know why I felt the need to blog this morning... Except to say that mental illness is hard. It's debilitating. And if you have a friend or family member suffering from any of the forms of mental illness, you need to know how important you are to them, to their health, to their recovery.
I have not (yet) suffered from acute mental illness. But I have many loved ones who do. And going through the struggles with them -- it's hard, it's heart breaking, it's involved, and sometimes it's draining and scary. But to see someone come through those hard times and to be able to assimilate back into life? Worth every minute. Worth every late night phone call, every tear, every frustration, and every invasion of your life. To see someone feel whole again after having been broken into a million little pieces? Oh there are no words to describe the miracle of that.
Mental illness is serious. And those suffering need their support system. Don't abandon someone because they're struggling. Surround them with your love and your friendship and your encouragement. You don't always have to know the right thing to say -- you just have to be there to listen and to love.
And as usual, I was ready for this day off. Work has become increasingly trying to me -- I have become more and more frustrated and affected with the bickering between co-workers. So to have a day off and a day away is welcomed.
My plans? Nada!
I'm enjoying having the day to myself -- completely to myself. No errands. Very few chores. Heck, I haven't even turned the TV on yet. But I did watch a movie this morning on Netflix -- Silver Linings Playbook.
I wasn't sure if this was a movie I wanted to see (hence why I didn't see it in theaters or rent it via Redbox), but this morning I pressed play. And I was instantly drawn into the story of a broken man with a broken heart and a mental illness who tries to cope with life and find his way back to himself. I connected to the main character because of some familial experiences. I connected to the supporting actress because of my personal roles in others lives -- playing the healer, the helper, the encourager, the distracter. It so beautifully and appropriately displayed the effects of depression and bipolar disorder... It really hit home for me and my experiences with others.
I don't really know why I felt the need to blog this morning... Except to say that mental illness is hard. It's debilitating. And if you have a friend or family member suffering from any of the forms of mental illness, you need to know how important you are to them, to their health, to their recovery.
I have not (yet) suffered from acute mental illness. But I have many loved ones who do. And going through the struggles with them -- it's hard, it's heart breaking, it's involved, and sometimes it's draining and scary. But to see someone come through those hard times and to be able to assimilate back into life? Worth every minute. Worth every late night phone call, every tear, every frustration, and every invasion of your life. To see someone feel whole again after having been broken into a million little pieces? Oh there are no words to describe the miracle of that.
Mental illness is serious. And those suffering need their support system. Don't abandon someone because they're struggling. Surround them with your love and your friendship and your encouragement. You don't always have to know the right thing to say -- you just have to be there to listen and to love.
Saturday, November 15, 2014
The stir of the spirit -- like a breeze in the willow tree
Have you ever had one of those days where you just feel like your heart is aflutter all the time, without reason? It makes you giddy happy, tearful happy, thankful happy. It makes you believe that change is in the air and that the possibilities of the world are endless and that you can conquer ANYTHING.
The Lord has been invading my heart all day today. And I love it!!!
He is doing a work in me. He is changing me. He is preparing me for something. I don't know what his will is with all of this, where it will lead, what it is preparing me for, and who I am becoming as a result... But my faith and love is in Him. And I have nothing to fear with Him. He may not move the mountains that might be coming, but He will make sure that I am capable of climbing those mountains and He will lead me over them and past them.
I am so excited to see what God is preparing me for... And I am so full of joy to feel the Spirit so intimately close to me... I know that He is always there, but to FEEL him all day... My heart!!!
His presence has washed over me gently all day -- like a gentle spring breeze that flutters through the low hanging limbs of the willow tree, just enough to move the limbs and rustle the leaves to make its presence known. But behind that breeze may come anything -- crisp air, hot air, a storm, a passing cloud -- we cannot know. All we can do is to lay on the grass and enjoy the breeze as it tickles our skin as we wait to see what comes next...
The Lord has been invading my heart all day today. And I love it!!!
He is doing a work in me. He is changing me. He is preparing me for something. I don't know what his will is with all of this, where it will lead, what it is preparing me for, and who I am becoming as a result... But my faith and love is in Him. And I have nothing to fear with Him. He may not move the mountains that might be coming, but He will make sure that I am capable of climbing those mountains and He will lead me over them and past them.
For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases Him. ~Philippians 2:13
I am so excited to see what God is preparing me for... And I am so full of joy to feel the Spirit so intimately close to me... I know that He is always there, but to FEEL him all day... My heart!!!
His presence has washed over me gently all day -- like a gentle spring breeze that flutters through the low hanging limbs of the willow tree, just enough to move the limbs and rustle the leaves to make its presence known. But behind that breeze may come anything -- crisp air, hot air, a storm, a passing cloud -- we cannot know. All we can do is to lay on the grass and enjoy the breeze as it tickles our skin as we wait to see what comes next...
Wednesday, November 12, 2014
There are a lot of things that I wish I were, but that I'm not.
I wish I were more of an early morning exerciser -- but I'm not. And I'm getting to the point that I'm really asking myself: Why am I trying to force something that is not natural to me???
I do -- I suck at getting out of my warm, comfy bed at 5am in the morning. And if I do succeed (and more often than not, I do NOT succeed at getting up "on time" for my workout), I'm grumpy and unmotivated. Not the attitude to have as you go into your workout.
One of my fitness mentors (she doesn't know that she is) said that when she created her "system," she asked herself "Is this something I could do for the rest of my life?" And when I ask myself that question about early morning workouts, the answer is a resounding NO!
So it's time to try something different.
Evening workouts, here I come!
I wish I were more of an early morning exerciser -- but I'm not. And I'm getting to the point that I'm really asking myself: Why am I trying to force something that is not natural to me???
I do -- I suck at getting out of my warm, comfy bed at 5am in the morning. And if I do succeed (and more often than not, I do NOT succeed at getting up "on time" for my workout), I'm grumpy and unmotivated. Not the attitude to have as you go into your workout.
One of my fitness mentors (she doesn't know that she is) said that when she created her "system," she asked herself "Is this something I could do for the rest of my life?" And when I ask myself that question about early morning workouts, the answer is a resounding NO!
So it's time to try something different.
If at first you don't succeed, try try again.So it's time to try something different.
Evening workouts, here I come!
Thursday, November 6, 2014
Saturday, November 1, 2014
Reflections from Timehop
I have really enjoyed the Timehop app on my phone, that allows me to look at all the statuses and photos I've posted on facebook over the years. It allows me to really reflect on my past, but lately it has really had me evaluating the person I am today.
This app has made me realize that I have matured -- no longer am I posting statuses that do not build up my friends, but instead are pointless, waste of time, often crude and explicit statuses. Today I strive to with-hold the ranting, the pointless, the need for attention, and instead I strive to post things that are positive, provide hope/encouragement, remind my friends to appreciate the little things, and to share not only the wonder of God, but the beauty of God's creation. The realization of the maturity that I have gained in the last 5 years makes me glad for who I have become and the changes that have occurred. I look back on those statuses and pictures and often find myself shaking my head, rolling my eyes, or thinking to myself "Seriously?!" But I also firmly believe that you can not be who you are without being who you were. So although I went through a period of time where I can classify it as nothing but an identity crisis, that time was integral to the development of who I am today.
This app makes me smile at the adventures and moments that I had with my friends... The pictures, the quotes... Even today they bring a smile to my face to recall those times. I'm pleased to also report that I have been able to continue these friendships long after college -- which some say is extremely difficult to do. But their no-matter-how-long-its-been-since-we've-talked-I'm-still-your-friend attitude is so appreciated and treasured.
But this app has also made me question some of my priorities... I look back on the pictures and I inwardly cringe at who I have become physically. Pictures as recent as 2 years ago show a very different physical person than I am today. I cringe at the significant weight I have gained. I want to cry for who I have become physically -- for I am ashamed. Where are the health and fitness priorities that were integral to my existence just 2 years ago??
Daily I make the same mistakes over and over again that I have vowed not to make that day. "No soda today." "I will not stop at Bojangles for breakfast today." "I will eat lunch from the salad bar at work today" (and then end up eating fried chicken). I break every one of those goals daily. It's disgusting. It's embarrassing. It's frustrating and confusing.
But the worst part about it? I've been struggling and feeling this way for over a year now. And I haven't been able to ellicit change.
So where do I go with this? What do I do now?
The definition of insanity is to keep doing what you've always done but expect different results.
So how do I get out of the box??
This app has made me realize that I have matured -- no longer am I posting statuses that do not build up my friends, but instead are pointless, waste of time, often crude and explicit statuses. Today I strive to with-hold the ranting, the pointless, the need for attention, and instead I strive to post things that are positive, provide hope/encouragement, remind my friends to appreciate the little things, and to share not only the wonder of God, but the beauty of God's creation. The realization of the maturity that I have gained in the last 5 years makes me glad for who I have become and the changes that have occurred. I look back on those statuses and pictures and often find myself shaking my head, rolling my eyes, or thinking to myself "Seriously?!" But I also firmly believe that you can not be who you are without being who you were. So although I went through a period of time where I can classify it as nothing but an identity crisis, that time was integral to the development of who I am today.
This app makes me smile at the adventures and moments that I had with my friends... The pictures, the quotes... Even today they bring a smile to my face to recall those times. I'm pleased to also report that I have been able to continue these friendships long after college -- which some say is extremely difficult to do. But their no-matter-how-long-its-been-since-we've-talked-I'm-still-your-friend attitude is so appreciated and treasured.
But this app has also made me question some of my priorities... I look back on the pictures and I inwardly cringe at who I have become physically. Pictures as recent as 2 years ago show a very different physical person than I am today. I cringe at the significant weight I have gained. I want to cry for who I have become physically -- for I am ashamed. Where are the health and fitness priorities that were integral to my existence just 2 years ago??
Daily I make the same mistakes over and over again that I have vowed not to make that day. "No soda today." "I will not stop at Bojangles for breakfast today." "I will eat lunch from the salad bar at work today" (and then end up eating fried chicken). I break every one of those goals daily. It's disgusting. It's embarrassing. It's frustrating and confusing.
But the worst part about it? I've been struggling and feeling this way for over a year now. And I haven't been able to ellicit change.
So where do I go with this? What do I do now?
The definition of insanity is to keep doing what you've always done but expect different results.
So how do I get out of the box??
Sunday, October 26, 2014
The Moments Before Sunrise
It's those minutes before sunrise, where the world is dark and shadowed except a thin faint line on the horizon, where black is fading into light. There are only a few birds chirping, and the rest of the world is sleeping. The world feels so still... Not a breeze to be felt and not a cloud in the sky. You look up and can see the thousands of sparkling diamonds and just stare in awe at the mere scale of the window into the universe you have.
Those moments are the quietest ones of the day. Where the husband sleeps, but for this short period of his REM cycle isn't snoring, lying curled up in the comforter and sprawled out across the bed (taking advantage of the extra space you left when you slunk out of bed so as to not wake him). The TV is off, an empty and un-enticing vacuum.
Peace and comfort reign in these moments, where God is creating a masterpiece in the sky and the still world watches in awe to greet another day. Prayers float up -- of guidance and direction, peace and security, concern over loved ones and strangers alike -- and God weaves the lyrical heart messages into his painting. The sky continues to lighten, with new shades of colors, highlights and lowlights, reflecting off a low lying rippled cloud off in the distance.
Lavender.
Navy Blue.
Pink.
There's even a line of grey where the colors muddle together.
Maybe that grey is where God puts the prayers of worry... The Lavender where he puts the prayers of encouragement. The pink the prayers of love over others and the prayers of thanksgiving. The coming billiant sun where he puts the prayers of guidance.
The night fades and the day creeps in, another gift from God beginning with his sunrise.
Those moments are the quietest ones of the day. Where the husband sleeps, but for this short period of his REM cycle isn't snoring, lying curled up in the comforter and sprawled out across the bed (taking advantage of the extra space you left when you slunk out of bed so as to not wake him). The TV is off, an empty and un-enticing vacuum.
Peace and comfort reign in these moments, where God is creating a masterpiece in the sky and the still world watches in awe to greet another day. Prayers float up -- of guidance and direction, peace and security, concern over loved ones and strangers alike -- and God weaves the lyrical heart messages into his painting. The sky continues to lighten, with new shades of colors, highlights and lowlights, reflecting off a low lying rippled cloud off in the distance.
Lavender.
Navy Blue.
Pink.
There's even a line of grey where the colors muddle together.
Maybe that grey is where God puts the prayers of worry... The Lavender where he puts the prayers of encouragement. The pink the prayers of love over others and the prayers of thanksgiving. The coming billiant sun where he puts the prayers of guidance.
The night fades and the day creeps in, another gift from God beginning with his sunrise.
Sunday, October 19, 2014
Yesterday, Daniel and I were blessed to be able to attend a wedding between my "Little" from college and the love of her life, Anthony. It was an absolutely beautiful wedding, complete with horse drawn carriage, hay bale seating, italian dinner buffet, and christmas lights in the trees. The two of them were adorable -- the groom couldn't stop crying from happiness and the bride couldn't stop smiling.
Be still my heart!
And it was fabulous for Daniel and I to be there not just in support of them as they begin their lives together, but also for us! It was romantic, reminded us just how precious this time together is, and how in love we are. That was an unintended gift to us that was pure magic.
Be still my heart!
And it was fabulous for Daniel and I to be there not just in support of them as they begin their lives together, but also for us! It was romantic, reminded us just how precious this time together is, and how in love we are. That was an unintended gift to us that was pure magic.
Sunday, October 12, 2014
Just yesterday I blogged about how irritable and negative I have been... And after blogging about my attitude, I decided to do something about it. What did I do for my newlywed irritability?
1. I checked my attitude. I just told myself it had to stop. That I was being childish, and that I was not contributing anything positive to my marriage with such an attitude.
2. I prayed about it. I asked God for help to clean and correct my heart.
3. I engaged with my husband. I told him about my attitude, and he was amazing and spent a little extra time cuddling, hugging, kissing, loving, and encouraging me. Just having that physical contact with my husband was a huge help to my attitude. And being open with him was a huge weight off my shoulders.
4. My husband and I did our first devotional. And it was amazing. There was a short scripture, a short lesson, then a discussion question followed by a prayer topic. Having that conversation and interaction with my husband was so intimate. Him revealing his weaknesses, me revealing mine, and then praying together over each other... Wow! Talk about powerful! It was the connection I had been longing for and missing and didn't even realize it...
1. I checked my attitude. I just told myself it had to stop. That I was being childish, and that I was not contributing anything positive to my marriage with such an attitude.
2. I prayed about it. I asked God for help to clean and correct my heart.
3. I engaged with my husband. I told him about my attitude, and he was amazing and spent a little extra time cuddling, hugging, kissing, loving, and encouraging me. Just having that physical contact with my husband was a huge help to my attitude. And being open with him was a huge weight off my shoulders.
4. My husband and I did our first devotional. And it was amazing. There was a short scripture, a short lesson, then a discussion question followed by a prayer topic. Having that conversation and interaction with my husband was so intimate. Him revealing his weaknesses, me revealing mine, and then praying together over each other... Wow! Talk about powerful! It was the connection I had been longing for and missing and didn't even realize it...
Saturday, October 11, 2014
Newlywed Irritability
Today is Daniels and my 2 week anniversary of marriage. LOL. Silly, but true. Two weeks!
On one hand, I feel like time has flown by and we haven't gotten nearly as many things done as I thought we would (getting settled, organized) and that the time has gone by very quickly and it's all still very "unreal." But on the other hand, I feel very comfortable with living with him and setting up "our home."
So adjusting to being a married couple is at once both easy and maddening.
And the confliction of emotions is really wearing on me. I am irritable over EVERYTHING for NO REASON. I simultaneously am okay with him playing on his computer on the other couch (allowing me to have my own time and space) but also annoyed that he's on his computer on the other couch (not engaged with me or with our life or real life at all). So I begin sending him the side eye, ESP messages to him, and then sighs, shakes of the head, huffing/puffing, and stomping around.
Bless his heart... He really is trying... He's done more cleaning and pitching in than he's ever done in his bachelor life.
I'm not mad that he's "not trying" or that he "isn't enough." I'm just irritable. Period. For no reason. About everything.
And I really hate it.
I know that it's a personal problem that I have. So I'm digging my heels in to try and adjust my attitude. Starting with letting things go. Reminding myself that he isn't ignoring me, and that he is trying, and that I really do like having my own space. Showing him gratitude/appreciation. And most importantly, bumping up our spiritual time -- increasing prayers, and initiating a couples daily devotion.
Because I want to have those healthy habits in my marriage. And because I want my marriage to be a good one and a happy one.
On one hand, I feel like time has flown by and we haven't gotten nearly as many things done as I thought we would (getting settled, organized) and that the time has gone by very quickly and it's all still very "unreal." But on the other hand, I feel very comfortable with living with him and setting up "our home."
So adjusting to being a married couple is at once both easy and maddening.
And the confliction of emotions is really wearing on me. I am irritable over EVERYTHING for NO REASON. I simultaneously am okay with him playing on his computer on the other couch (allowing me to have my own time and space) but also annoyed that he's on his computer on the other couch (not engaged with me or with our life or real life at all). So I begin sending him the side eye, ESP messages to him, and then sighs, shakes of the head, huffing/puffing, and stomping around.
Bless his heart... He really is trying... He's done more cleaning and pitching in than he's ever done in his bachelor life.
I'm not mad that he's "not trying" or that he "isn't enough." I'm just irritable. Period. For no reason. About everything.
And I really hate it.
I know that it's a personal problem that I have. So I'm digging my heels in to try and adjust my attitude. Starting with letting things go. Reminding myself that he isn't ignoring me, and that he is trying, and that I really do like having my own space. Showing him gratitude/appreciation. And most importantly, bumping up our spiritual time -- increasing prayers, and initiating a couples daily devotion.
Because I want to have those healthy habits in my marriage. And because I want my marriage to be a good one and a happy one.
Sunday, October 5, 2014
Back to Reality as a new Wife
Well, I have been married for 8 days now!! :)
Dad and I during the father/daughter dance
I love this picture of my husband :) <3 nbsp="" p="">
We enjoyed a wonderful 4 day honeymoon to Washington DC that was romantic, stressful, challenging, and happy all at the same time. It was a great start to our marriage! :)
Upon returning home, we've been hard at work every day working on getting things organized, settled, and in better order. Our little bungalow has been in pure chaos with boxes and bags and no direction, so we've made a good dent in the work that needed to occur.
Today is the last day of our honeymoon from work, and we both return to "the grind" in the morning. It will be a huge adjustment with the commute, but I'm partially looking forward to getting back into a routine. My love and I have already come up with a workout plan/routine to suit our long days, and we've both made a commitment to working on eating healthier (which has met with mixed success already lol).
We enjoyed a wonderful 4 day honeymoon to Washington DC that was romantic, stressful, challenging, and happy all at the same time. It was a great start to our marriage! :)
He was an excellent navigator
In the Capitol's summer house
In the US Botanic Gardens
At Arlington National Cemetery
The Capitol
Goofing off at Mt Vernon
Upon returning home, we've been hard at work every day working on getting things organized, settled, and in better order. Our little bungalow has been in pure chaos with boxes and bags and no direction, so we've made a good dent in the work that needed to occur.
Today is the last day of our honeymoon from work, and we both return to "the grind" in the morning. It will be a huge adjustment with the commute, but I'm partially looking forward to getting back into a routine. My love and I have already come up with a workout plan/routine to suit our long days, and we've both made a commitment to working on eating healthier (which has met with mixed success already lol).
Sunday, September 14, 2014
10 more sleeps
Sunday night, and there's finally a hint of fall in the air. Only a hint... Just enough to tease us that cooler and less humid weather is coming. I just pray that it's sooner rather than later! I am so over the Eastern North Carolina summer weather... I just couldn't handle it this year. I didn't even get to the beach except maybe twice!!
Pretty much sums up how I feel
And it's a very bitter sweet Sunday. Daniel just left about an hour ago, and as he was packing up to leave, he noted that this was the last time he'll stay in this house. He pointed out that there are only 10 more nights for me in this house (we're taking a mini get away next weekend). And that in less than 2 weeks, we'll be husband and wife.
Talk about reducing a girl into tears.
The loss of independence.
The loss of a bed of my own.
Moving away from a home I love with a roommate/landlady that I love.
Moving away from a town that I have grown to absolutely adore.
Leaving one job that has been nothing but a blessing to me by employer, coworker, and clientele.
Leaving behind a church that has literally saved me and means so very much to me.
I was an absolute wreck. I couldn't help but burst into tears with all of these realizations overwhelming me. Poor Daniel didn't know what to do, but he did exactly what I needed -- he just held me and let me cry.
I am so very excited to become Daniels wife. I am ecstatic that he will become my husband. And I am looking forward to the adventure that our lives are about to embark upon.
But it is a serious life change. And as we moved all of my furniture out of "my room" and either into a garbage pile in the garage or into a keep pile in the garage, and my room was slowly but steadily emptied of everything that made it mine, the gravity of what was happening hit me.
I'm now staying in one of the guest rooms to bide my time before my nuptials, allowing me to do touch up paint and cleaning to my old room, and allowing Chrissy to begin moving her craft items and music items upstairs. Erasing "my room" and creating the "hobby room."
They say that marriage is all about sacrifice. And I firmly believe (and am experiencing) that the sacrifice begins before you actually say "I do." It begins as you sort through items and give things up that have faithfully followed you from college dorm to college apartment to trade school apartment/trailer to career girl rented room. It begins as you acknowledge that nothing in life will ever be the same again -- that although it is for the good, it is also for the different.
Tears came so quickly and so frequently this weekend...
Tomorrow begins my last full work week before my wedding. 5 work days this week. 3 work days next week. Wedding that Saturday. Holy. Freaking. Cow.
Pretty much sums up how I feel
And it's a very bitter sweet Sunday. Daniel just left about an hour ago, and as he was packing up to leave, he noted that this was the last time he'll stay in this house. He pointed out that there are only 10 more nights for me in this house (we're taking a mini get away next weekend). And that in less than 2 weeks, we'll be husband and wife.
Talk about reducing a girl into tears.
The loss of independence.
The loss of a bed of my own.
Moving away from a home I love with a roommate/landlady that I love.
Moving away from a town that I have grown to absolutely adore.
Leaving one job that has been nothing but a blessing to me by employer, coworker, and clientele.
Leaving behind a church that has literally saved me and means so very much to me.
I was an absolute wreck. I couldn't help but burst into tears with all of these realizations overwhelming me. Poor Daniel didn't know what to do, but he did exactly what I needed -- he just held me and let me cry.
I am so very excited to become Daniels wife. I am ecstatic that he will become my husband. And I am looking forward to the adventure that our lives are about to embark upon.
But it is a serious life change. And as we moved all of my furniture out of "my room" and either into a garbage pile in the garage or into a keep pile in the garage, and my room was slowly but steadily emptied of everything that made it mine, the gravity of what was happening hit me.
I'm now staying in one of the guest rooms to bide my time before my nuptials, allowing me to do touch up paint and cleaning to my old room, and allowing Chrissy to begin moving her craft items and music items upstairs. Erasing "my room" and creating the "hobby room."
They say that marriage is all about sacrifice. And I firmly believe (and am experiencing) that the sacrifice begins before you actually say "I do." It begins as you sort through items and give things up that have faithfully followed you from college dorm to college apartment to trade school apartment/trailer to career girl rented room. It begins as you acknowledge that nothing in life will ever be the same again -- that although it is for the good, it is also for the different.
Tears came so quickly and so frequently this weekend...
Tomorrow begins my last full work week before my wedding. 5 work days this week. 3 work days next week. Wedding that Saturday. Holy. Freaking. Cow.
Thursday, September 4, 2014
A Reminder of the Words "Thank You"
It's so easy to become bitter about serving others. About being disappointed that they did not appreciate the hard work you put in, the time you spent, the thought you applied towards serving someone. That they didn't provide a big enough reaction (or sometimes you didn't even get a reaction at all, no acknowledgement, and not even a thank you via text). Sooooo easy to be caught up in this.
Serving and giving to others of your time and talents is what we are supposed to do. (Romans 12:5-8) (Matthew 25:14-30) (Luke 6:38) Just as we are not supposed to become riled up and angry (Ephesians 4:31).
But good LORD I had to really restrain myself tonight from reacting! I went out of my way to surprise someone with a thoughtful handmade gift, and one week later still hadn't heard from them that they'd at least received it. I called them and asked if they'd received it. Their response? "Oh yeah."
Oh yeah!!!! That's it?!?!?! I literally spent an hour arranging this and creating this and left the house early one morning so I could send it. And one week later, I still hadn't heard a peep.
I like being nice. I like doing things for others. I like surprising them and doing things that are tailored for the individual. I don't do these acts for the "reward" of appreciation, but it's almost a slap in the face when I don't even get a text to say thank you.
What is WRONG with my generation?! We need to learn some humility, gratitude, and appreciation for others.
Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you (1 Thessalonians 5:18)
Serving and giving to others of your time and talents is what we are supposed to do. (Romans 12:5-8) (Matthew 25:14-30) (Luke 6:38) Just as we are not supposed to become riled up and angry (Ephesians 4:31).
But good LORD I had to really restrain myself tonight from reacting! I went out of my way to surprise someone with a thoughtful handmade gift, and one week later still hadn't heard from them that they'd at least received it. I called them and asked if they'd received it. Their response? "Oh yeah."
Oh yeah!!!! That's it?!?!?! I literally spent an hour arranging this and creating this and left the house early one morning so I could send it. And one week later, I still hadn't heard a peep.
I like being nice. I like doing things for others. I like surprising them and doing things that are tailored for the individual. I don't do these acts for the "reward" of appreciation, but it's almost a slap in the face when I don't even get a text to say thank you.
What is WRONG with my generation?! We need to learn some humility, gratitude, and appreciation for others.
Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you (1 Thessalonians 5:18)
Wednesday, August 27, 2014
Men vs Women
With only one month to go until our wedding day, I am simultaneously less busy yet running around like a chicken without a head. Less busy with wedding planning and more busy with preparations that are required before a wedding (like packing to move so that we can cohabitate). And reading. Lots of reading. I'm a researcher. I like to try and be prepared and enter a situation with at least a little increased awareness.
And I can't help but comment on just how different men and women are. I mean, really. Us girls, we always want more time, attention, care, connection, romance, and pursuit. We are completely and totally (or maybe it's just me) devoted and want nothing more than to be the good wife, the wife he wants/needs. And I know that I work very hard at that. I work hard with serving him, building him up, expressing my appreciation.
And boys? Well they are quite a different breed. They want space, to maintain some degree of individuality, to provide, to protect, to fix, and to fart. They don't care that much about the touchy feely stuff.
What a disconnect! The things women need and prioritize men don't. Perhaps this could help explain why so many people have so many relationship issues (married or not).
I remind myself over and over: "Expectation is the root of all heartache." ~Shakespere
Placing the expectation and responsibility on one person to fill every need, every want is unfair. My future husband isn't perfect and won't be able to do EVERYTHING. He will love me the best that he is able to, and I have to recognize that, accept that, and appreciate that.
In fact, expecting one person to do everything is kind of expecting him to be like God -- to be able to anticipate all your needs, respond, intervene, and rearrange. It's just lunacy. Only God can do those things.
Jesus and God must be our first priority. Husbands/Wives second.
We, as husband/wife are made to coexist, to love, to find satisfaction. But nothing can replace the relationship with the heavenly Father. Daniel cannot provide the grace and forgiveness that God offers.
I must remember to keep this in perspective (which I'm sure I will struggle with at times -- my own selfishness and whining and "But I want..." attitude). That he and I are created differently, with different wants/needs, and that I can't expect anything from him outside of our vows and our faith.
This whole marriage thing -- this is going to be tough. But I'm ready.
And I can't help but comment on just how different men and women are. I mean, really. Us girls, we always want more time, attention, care, connection, romance, and pursuit. We are completely and totally (or maybe it's just me) devoted and want nothing more than to be the good wife, the wife he wants/needs. And I know that I work very hard at that. I work hard with serving him, building him up, expressing my appreciation.
And boys? Well they are quite a different breed. They want space, to maintain some degree of individuality, to provide, to protect, to fix, and to fart. They don't care that much about the touchy feely stuff.
What a disconnect! The things women need and prioritize men don't. Perhaps this could help explain why so many people have so many relationship issues (married or not).
I remind myself over and over: "Expectation is the root of all heartache." ~Shakespere
Placing the expectation and responsibility on one person to fill every need, every want is unfair. My future husband isn't perfect and won't be able to do EVERYTHING. He will love me the best that he is able to, and I have to recognize that, accept that, and appreciate that.
In fact, expecting one person to do everything is kind of expecting him to be like God -- to be able to anticipate all your needs, respond, intervene, and rearrange. It's just lunacy. Only God can do those things.
Jesus and God must be our first priority. Husbands/Wives second.
We, as husband/wife are made to coexist, to love, to find satisfaction. But nothing can replace the relationship with the heavenly Father. Daniel cannot provide the grace and forgiveness that God offers.
I must remember to keep this in perspective (which I'm sure I will struggle with at times -- my own selfishness and whining and "But I want..." attitude). That he and I are created differently, with different wants/needs, and that I can't expect anything from him outside of our vows and our faith.
This whole marriage thing -- this is going to be tough. But I'm ready.
PhotoShoots and Blessings
What a few weeks it has been!
Last week was choc full of photo shoots. Which is so weird for me to say, as I am not a camera lover. Rather, I love to be behind the camera, not in front of it. So to be in front of a camera twice in one week, in a professional manner, was very abnormal for me.
The first session was a personal portrait session last Tuesday. I was absolutely terrified and self conscious going into it, but I will be honest with you -- it was the best three hours ever. I allowed myself to open up, be vulnerable, and be exposed. The photographer was amazing -- so encouraging and positive, giving me great direction with posing. I am so excited to get these pictures back -- I am obsessively checking my email in hopes that the link to the online album will be in there. I left this session feeling strong, empowered, and beautiful BECAUSE of my curves (not just in spite of them). So amazing!
Then on Sunday I had my bridal portraits done!!!! I was less nervous for this shoot, as I'd gotten quite comfortable in front of the camera on Tuesday. It was another wonderful three hour experience, where I got to get all dolled up (again), put on my wedding dress, and walk around Tryon Palace gardens PRIVATELY! Having access to the gardens after the facility had closed, without a single other group of people present, and being able to enjoy the grounds uninhibited while feeling gorgeous and wearing a gorgeous gown -- oh man. I am also REALLY excited to get these pictures back!!! I got to see a few sneak peaks on the camera during the session, and they are drop dead gorgeous (with much help from the beautiful landscaping). So I am also obsessively checking my email for that link to the pictures as well!
And during all of this, I've been blessed with two bridal showers, showered with so much love, so many blessings and well wishes, and so many thoughtful and sweet and unexpected gifts -- the generosity of those we know and those we don't know has really rendered me shocked, touched, and speechless. And I am so grateful. I'm grateful for the support, the encouragement, the advice, and the generous attitude. Let me tell you -- it's contagious! Because all I want to do is love on people and give to them. And cry over how blessed life is.
I know it's easy to say that life is blessed when things are good. And that it's much harder to maintain that attitude when things are bad. But I firmly believe that God gives us those ups and downs to help us keep things in perspective -- to build our trust and our faith in both the good and the bad times. Our endurance is tested in the bad, our heart is built in the good. And through it all, God is good all the time. <3 nbsp="" p="">
Last week was choc full of photo shoots. Which is so weird for me to say, as I am not a camera lover. Rather, I love to be behind the camera, not in front of it. So to be in front of a camera twice in one week, in a professional manner, was very abnormal for me.
The first session was a personal portrait session last Tuesday. I was absolutely terrified and self conscious going into it, but I will be honest with you -- it was the best three hours ever. I allowed myself to open up, be vulnerable, and be exposed. The photographer was amazing -- so encouraging and positive, giving me great direction with posing. I am so excited to get these pictures back -- I am obsessively checking my email in hopes that the link to the online album will be in there. I left this session feeling strong, empowered, and beautiful BECAUSE of my curves (not just in spite of them). So amazing!
Then on Sunday I had my bridal portraits done!!!! I was less nervous for this shoot, as I'd gotten quite comfortable in front of the camera on Tuesday. It was another wonderful three hour experience, where I got to get all dolled up (again), put on my wedding dress, and walk around Tryon Palace gardens PRIVATELY! Having access to the gardens after the facility had closed, without a single other group of people present, and being able to enjoy the grounds uninhibited while feeling gorgeous and wearing a gorgeous gown -- oh man. I am also REALLY excited to get these pictures back!!! I got to see a few sneak peaks on the camera during the session, and they are drop dead gorgeous (with much help from the beautiful landscaping). So I am also obsessively checking my email for that link to the pictures as well!
And during all of this, I've been blessed with two bridal showers, showered with so much love, so many blessings and well wishes, and so many thoughtful and sweet and unexpected gifts -- the generosity of those we know and those we don't know has really rendered me shocked, touched, and speechless. And I am so grateful. I'm grateful for the support, the encouragement, the advice, and the generous attitude. Let me tell you -- it's contagious! Because all I want to do is love on people and give to them. And cry over how blessed life is.
I know it's easy to say that life is blessed when things are good. And that it's much harder to maintain that attitude when things are bad. But I firmly believe that God gives us those ups and downs to help us keep things in perspective -- to build our trust and our faith in both the good and the bad times. Our endurance is tested in the bad, our heart is built in the good. And through it all, God is good all the time. <3 nbsp="" p="">
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
I was challenged the other week by my roommate to take advantage of a special offer by a very talented and lovely photographer to have some personal portraits done.
And making that decision was so difficult for me. Because I am not in a place where I love what I look like. I'm at my heaviest weight ever and I am nothing except uncomfortable in every sense of the word.
So to schedule a photo shoot has been quite a challenge for me. A challenge to step forward confidently and to find my place of peace with who I am.
I can honestly say that these next couple of weeks will continue to be a struggle. But I'm looking forward to seeing what The Lord can do with my heart in this, and in seeing myself grow more confident.
Sunday, July 27, 2014
This weekend was quite a busy weekend and gave me a small taste of what to expect for wedding weekend... Although it wasn't my wedding weekend, it was my bridal shower weekend :)
My fabulous Maid of Honor hosted the shower and both of my bridesmaids were able to attend, as well as my mother and my future MIL. We had a great turn out, and it was so nice to see all the ladies.
But for a girl who doesn't like to be the center of attention, this weekend was incredibly stressful. I felt responsible to help with the production, preparation, and set up for the shower. And as soon as people started showing up, I felt responsible for them having a good time and making sure that no one felt left out. I was so nervous I didn't eat very much.
Then it was time for presents... By the time presents came around, it was already late and I didn't want to keep anyone too late. And I didn't really know what to do or how to handle some things. Do I show every single part of each gift? Do I read each card aloud? I was dripping with sweat. So embarrassing.
But despite the anxiety and nerves and stress, it was such a lovely time. I was blessed with so many wonderful items and feel so much more prepared for setting up my first home. Which has me excited for that whole process :)
Daniel is going to begin moving into the guest house this week, starting with some of the non-essential items and going through clothes and being ruthless with his purging. He's going to begin sorting items to put into storage. And just the thought of selecting items to put into storage raises my anxiety. But it has to be done. I just won't put any of our beautiful new items into storage :-p
My fabulous Maid of Honor hosted the shower and both of my bridesmaids were able to attend, as well as my mother and my future MIL. We had a great turn out, and it was so nice to see all the ladies.
But for a girl who doesn't like to be the center of attention, this weekend was incredibly stressful. I felt responsible to help with the production, preparation, and set up for the shower. And as soon as people started showing up, I felt responsible for them having a good time and making sure that no one felt left out. I was so nervous I didn't eat very much.
Then it was time for presents... By the time presents came around, it was already late and I didn't want to keep anyone too late. And I didn't really know what to do or how to handle some things. Do I show every single part of each gift? Do I read each card aloud? I was dripping with sweat. So embarrassing.
But despite the anxiety and nerves and stress, it was such a lovely time. I was blessed with so many wonderful items and feel so much more prepared for setting up my first home. Which has me excited for that whole process :)
Daniel is going to begin moving into the guest house this week, starting with some of the non-essential items and going through clothes and being ruthless with his purging. He's going to begin sorting items to put into storage. And just the thought of selecting items to put into storage raises my anxiety. But it has to be done. I just won't put any of our beautiful new items into storage :-p
Saturday, July 12, 2014
We have about two and a half months until we reach the BIG day, our wedding day. People keep telling me to enjoy it. I'm not really sure what you're supposed to enjoy? I'm stressed about losing weight to fit into my dress again (thank you stress binge eating). I'm stressed about nagging Daniel constantly to make the few decisions he needs to make (groomsmen outfits, honeymoon, rings, etc). I'm stressed that we'll go over budget and start our relationship in the red. But mostly I'm stressed because after the wedding, we have no plans.
We don't know where we're going to be living because Daniel wants a new job in a new location but hasn't put forth the work to find one. He doesn't want to rent something else because he doesn't want to sign a year long lease when he thinks we'll be moving. He doesn't want to buy a house for the same reasons. This makes sense. But we can't stay where he is now. So we're going to be homeless??
All I want is a place of our own, that I can create a home for the two of us. That I can nest in, decorate, organize, and begin OUR life.
They say that you learn a lot about your spouse during the wedding planning process.
And I have learned that he is a logical person but a procrastinator.
And I am about up to my neck.
My "talking tos" are having no effect on him. Nothing is lighting a fire underneath his ass. And I'm about to lose it. I feel like I lose it constantly with him. Because he's not working on my time table. Selfish. Wrong. Impatient.
I am really trying to learn to be patient with him. To trust him. But this is not an easy task.
I know that it will work out (it has to). But Blair does not do limbo well.
We don't know where we're going to be living because Daniel wants a new job in a new location but hasn't put forth the work to find one. He doesn't want to rent something else because he doesn't want to sign a year long lease when he thinks we'll be moving. He doesn't want to buy a house for the same reasons. This makes sense. But we can't stay where he is now. So we're going to be homeless??
All I want is a place of our own, that I can create a home for the two of us. That I can nest in, decorate, organize, and begin OUR life.
They say that you learn a lot about your spouse during the wedding planning process.
And I have learned that he is a logical person but a procrastinator.
And I am about up to my neck.
My "talking tos" are having no effect on him. Nothing is lighting a fire underneath his ass. And I'm about to lose it. I feel like I lose it constantly with him. Because he's not working on my time table. Selfish. Wrong. Impatient.
I am really trying to learn to be patient with him. To trust him. But this is not an easy task.
I know that it will work out (it has to). But Blair does not do limbo well.
Sunday, June 29, 2014
They say that those who you love the most are the ones who hurt you the most.
However, I'm of the opinion that the ones who you love are the ones who hurt you the deepest. They probably hurt you less frequently, but when they do hurt you, the cut is straight to the core of who you are as a person or to the core of your relationship.
D Man and I aren't a perfect relationship. We squabble from time to time. We probably spend too much time watching television. But I can honestly say that we've had a pretty smooth sailing over the last three years. This week/weekend was NOT smooth sailing at all.
We weren't just squabbling. I was losing it. And I felt like the hurt wasn't stopping. In the midst of it, I was seriously beginning to question if I had really been blinded by love for the last three years and had woken up to find myself with someone I didn't even know. I was beginning to question our impending nuptials -- which are just 89 days away mind you.
I felt so distant, confused, lost, stressed, and lonely.
Pretty much the worst week of our relationship yet.
And then it hit me. This is what real life is. Where the other person acts without thinking and without realizing how it might affect you. And you take it personally -- a direct torpedo to the heart. This is what real relationships are, what they deal with. And I'm a firm believer that it's how you deal with things that determine what kind of relationship you have.
Having grown up with parents that didn't remain married, and having been an astute student of human relationships (no seriously, I am -- I watch, observe, learn, and study other peoples relationships), that has been a constant. No matter what the action was, it's more of the reaction/handling that sets the course of the relationship.
So I watched my words this weekend. I did the best I could to control and appropriately react emotionally. I stayed quiet and thought before I spoke. I prayed the hardest in the middle of it all. We prayed together in the middle of it all.
And he got the message.
He understands.
But he wasn't emasculated or ridiculed or disrespected just to get an upper hand during it. He wasn't robbed of his "leader of the house" role -- in fact, I believe it was a call to action for him to be MORE of that man.
This week sucked. But at the same time, I appreciated having that now. Before we're married. To test us out on very serious issues and to begin to learn how we react to conflict. DMan and I are definitely not perfect. But we are perfect for each other.
However, I'm of the opinion that the ones who you love are the ones who hurt you the deepest. They probably hurt you less frequently, but when they do hurt you, the cut is straight to the core of who you are as a person or to the core of your relationship.
D Man and I aren't a perfect relationship. We squabble from time to time. We probably spend too much time watching television. But I can honestly say that we've had a pretty smooth sailing over the last three years. This week/weekend was NOT smooth sailing at all.
We weren't just squabbling. I was losing it. And I felt like the hurt wasn't stopping. In the midst of it, I was seriously beginning to question if I had really been blinded by love for the last three years and had woken up to find myself with someone I didn't even know. I was beginning to question our impending nuptials -- which are just 89 days away mind you.
I felt so distant, confused, lost, stressed, and lonely.
Pretty much the worst week of our relationship yet.
And then it hit me. This is what real life is. Where the other person acts without thinking and without realizing how it might affect you. And you take it personally -- a direct torpedo to the heart. This is what real relationships are, what they deal with. And I'm a firm believer that it's how you deal with things that determine what kind of relationship you have.
Having grown up with parents that didn't remain married, and having been an astute student of human relationships (no seriously, I am -- I watch, observe, learn, and study other peoples relationships), that has been a constant. No matter what the action was, it's more of the reaction/handling that sets the course of the relationship.
So I watched my words this weekend. I did the best I could to control and appropriately react emotionally. I stayed quiet and thought before I spoke. I prayed the hardest in the middle of it all. We prayed together in the middle of it all.
And he got the message.
He understands.
But he wasn't emasculated or ridiculed or disrespected just to get an upper hand during it. He wasn't robbed of his "leader of the house" role -- in fact, I believe it was a call to action for him to be MORE of that man.
This week sucked. But at the same time, I appreciated having that now. Before we're married. To test us out on very serious issues and to begin to learn how we react to conflict. DMan and I are definitely not perfect. But we are perfect for each other.
Sunday, June 15, 2014
Life is GOOD!
Today is one of those days where my entire soul (not just my heart) is full to over flowing with happiness, gratitude, excitement, and hope. There isn't anything in particular that occurred that put me in this state of being, nothing except waking up and realizing just how great God is. And just how much potential there is for this life -- the things that can be seen, the things that can be experienced, the things that can be tasted, the things that can be shared, the things that can be given.
Oooo the goosebumps just thinking about how vast of a life we are given!
Even if I "have" to stay in Greenville NC for the rest of my life, there is so much that I can experience and appreciate.
This is the spice of life.
Oooo the goosebumps just thinking about how vast of a life we are given!
Even if I "have" to stay in Greenville NC for the rest of my life, there is so much that I can experience and appreciate.
This is the spice of life.
Sunday, June 8, 2014
I Can't Get No... Satisfaction
I really wish that I weren't so stubborn/hard-headed. That I could learn all my life lessons from books and scientifically proven studies. Seriously.
I do not know why I am so hard headed and stubborn in learning my body and it's reactions to food. Why I am so stuck in the bad habits when I know that it does nothing good for my body and that it only makes me feel sick. And even though I know this is what will happen, I continue to make these poor decisions. I had Bojangles for dinner. And now I feel physically ill.
Lack of intention.
Lack of thought.
Laziness.
That's really what it boils down to.
I've been re-reading Made to Crave by Lysa Terkurst, and I have been thoroughly enjoying it. This second time of reading it has provided a new lens with which to read it through, and has honestly made more sense and more of an impact on me. Obviously not enough of an impact as I'm still making poor decisions from time to time, but the fact is that there is an impact. Because I'm actually aware of how my body feels after I eat. And I'm beginning to put thought and time and intention into the choices that I make (tonight's dinner excluded).
This weekend, Dad came to visit. And he looked great -- he's lost quite a bit of weight by eating better/less and exercising more. The old fashioned way worked. And this whole weekend, it was so interesting to me to watch how he interacted with food -- he didn't clean his plate at every meal, he didn't go back for seconds, he listened to when he was hungry/full, and he chose much healthier options than I've ever seen him choose. It was so awesome to see!!!
Dad's behavior prompted me to check my own behavior... And I realized that I'd gotten into terrible habits without even realizing -- over eating, eating all day/grazing, not listening to my body, eating too fast, and making choices without much consideration to what I actually wanted/needed.
That awareness was good. It continues to be good.
I'm relearning satisfaction. Being satisfied with the proper serving sizes. Being satisfied with eating at the proper times (instead of grazing constantly). Being satisfied with the better choices.
It's infuriating to know that at one time (about four years ago), I had these lessons down pat and that I'm having to re-learn them now. But I was made for more than what I am right now. That's for sure.
I do not know why I am so hard headed and stubborn in learning my body and it's reactions to food. Why I am so stuck in the bad habits when I know that it does nothing good for my body and that it only makes me feel sick. And even though I know this is what will happen, I continue to make these poor decisions. I had Bojangles for dinner. And now I feel physically ill.
Lack of intention.
Lack of thought.
Laziness.
That's really what it boils down to.
I've been re-reading Made to Crave by Lysa Terkurst, and I have been thoroughly enjoying it. This second time of reading it has provided a new lens with which to read it through, and has honestly made more sense and more of an impact on me. Obviously not enough of an impact as I'm still making poor decisions from time to time, but the fact is that there is an impact. Because I'm actually aware of how my body feels after I eat. And I'm beginning to put thought and time and intention into the choices that I make (tonight's dinner excluded).
This weekend, Dad came to visit. And he looked great -- he's lost quite a bit of weight by eating better/less and exercising more. The old fashioned way worked. And this whole weekend, it was so interesting to me to watch how he interacted with food -- he didn't clean his plate at every meal, he didn't go back for seconds, he listened to when he was hungry/full, and he chose much healthier options than I've ever seen him choose. It was so awesome to see!!!
Dad's behavior prompted me to check my own behavior... And I realized that I'd gotten into terrible habits without even realizing -- over eating, eating all day/grazing, not listening to my body, eating too fast, and making choices without much consideration to what I actually wanted/needed.
That awareness was good. It continues to be good.
I'm relearning satisfaction. Being satisfied with the proper serving sizes. Being satisfied with eating at the proper times (instead of grazing constantly). Being satisfied with the better choices.
It's infuriating to know that at one time (about four years ago), I had these lessons down pat and that I'm having to re-learn them now. But I was made for more than what I am right now. That's for sure.
Monday, June 2, 2014
One Night At Church can Change Things...
It's been an odd day for me today... I had today off as a comp day for working this weekend, but I was still up bright and early at 430am this morning to head off and teach Bikini Boot Camp :) It's impossible to dislike being up so early when you work with such an amazing group of women... So after boot camp it was back to the house, where I conquered my workout and then fell into a very lazy (much needed) day. I took multiple accidental naps, ate simply, and for the most part spent the day in quiet solitude.
I didn't get a thing accomplished that I'd put on my potential to-do list for the day, and I am very much at peace with this.
And although I didn't get many "tasks" done today, I was able to get in a lot of quality quiet time with myself, with plenty of reflection, self-honesty, and peace.
This will be a bit of a disjointed blog post, as there are several topics/events that are sitting on my heart right now.
It all started with Saturday night... As I was working this weekend, I was going to be unable to attend church on Sunday (and not attending church always puts me in a funk -- not having that praise/worship/study/learning time makes a big difference in my life), so I decided to try out another church who offers Saturday night church services. I'd never been to this church, nor had I heard anything about it. So I went with an open mind and a curious and hopeful heart. The worship was not my style, and the preaching was a bit too much on the pentecostal side for me (a lot of yelling into the microphone, spitting, and such). However the actual lesson (when you could ignore the style of delivery) was quite good -- he was discussing how to pray. And one of his points really struck me. He discussed needing to evaluate and shift your priorities. Which really sent me into an investigative and observational mode regarding my life. And turned up a couple of interesting realizations.
The first realization I had after this sermon was that I am entirely too dependent upon television. I've lived without cable and TV before, and I'm perfectly fine with it. However, when I do have cable television, it literally rules my life. I have to see my shows. And I can't get anything else done until I'm caught up on my DVR... I can't read until my shows are watched. I can't find time to do my Bible studies but I find time to make sure all my shows get watched. I am addicted to television. And it's disgusting.
So to spend today with so little screen time was really refreshing. To shift and realign my priorities away from television has been very freeing these last couple of days.
And in having less screen time, I've been able to do more "paper time" reading and catching up and making some progress with a few books I've been generally neglecting.
One of those books is Made to Crave by Lysa Terkhurst. The BeyondFit Physiques Life Group is reading this book this month, and the power of suggestion to read along couldn't have come at a better time. I've reached the heaviest weight I've ever been, I'm miserable, and I feel stuck in a never ending cycle. So to have the time the last couple of days to spend reading, reflecting, and being full of hope and encouragement in this area of my life has been so nice.
Although I am at peace and at acceptance of my body, it's not the body I want. (Yes, you can love where you are and still want to make progress to something different) And the shift in my priorities has helped here as well. Realizing what poor choices I've made and that I'm not doing as well as I lie to myself. Being encouraged to make some changes. Literally feeling my body craving the healthy changes -- it is so amazing to feel this hope and motivation for the first time in so long.
And then to have Daniel call me Saturday night (after church) and together as a couple discuss how unhappy we are with our physique and physical health and agree to be ACCOUNTABILITY PARTNERS for our workouts?? It was more than I could handle. I nearly cried with joy, relief, and appreciation.
So that sermon at a church that I will probably never attend again served it's purpose. I got the message God was trying to give me -- the slap to the back of the head telling me to let go of the TV and enjoy LIFE! And to reach goals! And to change.
My body hurts tonight. But it hurts in a rejoicing manner -- it hurts because it's being challenged with new workouts. It hurts because it's in the very beginning stages of changing. And it's wonderful.
My heart is full tonight. Full of gratitude for my blessings. Full of hope and encouragement. Full of confidence that I can find my way through my misery and find my way to happiness and health.
If you feel like life is overwhelming, and nothing is getting accomplished, and you dislike where you are or what you look like or how you feel, start by examining what your true priorities are. You will more than likely find what's standing in your own way -- your poorly ranking priorities.
I didn't get a thing accomplished that I'd put on my potential to-do list for the day, and I am very much at peace with this.
And although I didn't get many "tasks" done today, I was able to get in a lot of quality quiet time with myself, with plenty of reflection, self-honesty, and peace.
This will be a bit of a disjointed blog post, as there are several topics/events that are sitting on my heart right now.
It all started with Saturday night... As I was working this weekend, I was going to be unable to attend church on Sunday (and not attending church always puts me in a funk -- not having that praise/worship/study/learning time makes a big difference in my life), so I decided to try out another church who offers Saturday night church services. I'd never been to this church, nor had I heard anything about it. So I went with an open mind and a curious and hopeful heart. The worship was not my style, and the preaching was a bit too much on the pentecostal side for me (a lot of yelling into the microphone, spitting, and such). However the actual lesson (when you could ignore the style of delivery) was quite good -- he was discussing how to pray. And one of his points really struck me. He discussed needing to evaluate and shift your priorities. Which really sent me into an investigative and observational mode regarding my life. And turned up a couple of interesting realizations.
The first realization I had after this sermon was that I am entirely too dependent upon television. I've lived without cable and TV before, and I'm perfectly fine with it. However, when I do have cable television, it literally rules my life. I have to see my shows. And I can't get anything else done until I'm caught up on my DVR... I can't read until my shows are watched. I can't find time to do my Bible studies but I find time to make sure all my shows get watched. I am addicted to television. And it's disgusting.
So to spend today with so little screen time was really refreshing. To shift and realign my priorities away from television has been very freeing these last couple of days.
And in having less screen time, I've been able to do more "paper time" reading and catching up and making some progress with a few books I've been generally neglecting.
One of those books is Made to Crave by Lysa Terkhurst. The BeyondFit Physiques Life Group is reading this book this month, and the power of suggestion to read along couldn't have come at a better time. I've reached the heaviest weight I've ever been, I'm miserable, and I feel stuck in a never ending cycle. So to have the time the last couple of days to spend reading, reflecting, and being full of hope and encouragement in this area of my life has been so nice.
Although I am at peace and at acceptance of my body, it's not the body I want. (Yes, you can love where you are and still want to make progress to something different) And the shift in my priorities has helped here as well. Realizing what poor choices I've made and that I'm not doing as well as I lie to myself. Being encouraged to make some changes. Literally feeling my body craving the healthy changes -- it is so amazing to feel this hope and motivation for the first time in so long.
And then to have Daniel call me Saturday night (after church) and together as a couple discuss how unhappy we are with our physique and physical health and agree to be ACCOUNTABILITY PARTNERS for our workouts?? It was more than I could handle. I nearly cried with joy, relief, and appreciation.
So that sermon at a church that I will probably never attend again served it's purpose. I got the message God was trying to give me -- the slap to the back of the head telling me to let go of the TV and enjoy LIFE! And to reach goals! And to change.
My body hurts tonight. But it hurts in a rejoicing manner -- it hurts because it's being challenged with new workouts. It hurts because it's in the very beginning stages of changing. And it's wonderful.
My heart is full tonight. Full of gratitude for my blessings. Full of hope and encouragement. Full of confidence that I can find my way through my misery and find my way to happiness and health.
If you feel like life is overwhelming, and nothing is getting accomplished, and you dislike where you are or what you look like or how you feel, start by examining what your true priorities are. You will more than likely find what's standing in your own way -- your poorly ranking priorities.
Sunday, May 25, 2014
Wedding Party Meet/Greet
It's Memorial Day weekend, and I am officially on vacation. This is quite possibly the cheapest trip I've taken in the last 2 years, but it is quite possibly the best trip I've taken :)
We are doing a Wedding Party Meet/Greet (and party) weekend at the beach this holiday weekend, and it has been fabulous. It's been a much needed get away from every day real life, full of good beer, good friends, and lots of laughs. Unfortunately only one of Daniels' groomsmen were able to attend, but I think we've had an absolute blast anyway!
And it just kind of underlines just how little time is left between now and wedding day -- four months, two days. :-o :-o :-o
That is so much to do between now and then -- dress fittings, song playlist creation, menu planning, quilt making, and more. And I'm so excited. Despite the fact that I may or may not get a honeymoon (long story -- let's just suffice it to say that it won't be due to financial constraints, but rather to a potential new job for D Man), I can't wait to have him as my husband and to create a home of my own!!
We are doing a Wedding Party Meet/Greet (and party) weekend at the beach this holiday weekend, and it has been fabulous. It's been a much needed get away from every day real life, full of good beer, good friends, and lots of laughs. Unfortunately only one of Daniels' groomsmen were able to attend, but I think we've had an absolute blast anyway!
And it just kind of underlines just how little time is left between now and wedding day -- four months, two days. :-o :-o :-o
That is so much to do between now and then -- dress fittings, song playlist creation, menu planning, quilt making, and more. And I'm so excited. Despite the fact that I may or may not get a honeymoon (long story -- let's just suffice it to say that it won't be due to financial constraints, but rather to a potential new job for D Man), I can't wait to have him as my husband and to create a home of my own!!
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
You are Beautiful
I wish with every fiber of my being that I could believe this. That I am beautiful, worthy, and enough.
I'm working on this, but I'm not there yet (and definitely not there today).
It's a daily fight. A daily struggle.
A momentary fight. A momentary struggle.
Sunday, April 27, 2014
Contentment
"Content" has been placed on my heart heavily the last couple of weeks. Mostly because I have found myself cycling into a very negative mind space, where I am very unhappy, unable to be satisfied, I'm selfish, petty, snappy, and impatient.
At the root of this emotional upheaval? Being in-content with my life.
I've gotten too caught up with "That's not fair," and "They owe me," and "I shouldn't have to." I've gotten too caught up in the complaining, the gossiping, stirring the pot, and wallowing in my own unhappiness.... To which God says:
I've cycled into unhealthy habits with food and soda.
I've cycled into worse body image issues, self confidence issues, and increased insecurities, leading me into that vicious mental cycle I've blogged about before... To which God says:
1
All because I can't find joy and happiness in what I have and in who I am, I am being blocked from this love and peace that God is offering me. I am letting this world stand in my way. I am letting myself stand in my way.
I must remember this from Hebrews 13:5-6:
At the root of this emotional upheaval? Being in-content with my life.
I've gotten too caught up with "That's not fair," and "They owe me," and "I shouldn't have to." I've gotten too caught up in the complaining, the gossiping, stirring the pot, and wallowing in my own unhappiness.... To which God says:
6 But godliness with contentment is great gain. 7 For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. 8 But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that. 9 Those who want to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into many foolish and harmful desires that plunge people into ruin and destruction. 10 For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs. -1 Timothy 6:6-10
I've cycled into unhealthy habits with food and soda.
“Why do you [a]spend money for what is not bread,And your wages for what does not satisfy?Listen carefully to Me, and eat what is good,And delight yourself in abundance.-Isaiah 55:2I should be eating what is good! Not what is poison, addiction, emotion, uncontrolled, and empty.
I've cycled into worse body image issues, self confidence issues, and increased insecurities, leading me into that vicious mental cycle I've blogged about before... To which God says:
1
Praise the Lord, my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name.2 Praise the Lord, my soul, and forget not all his benefits—3 who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases,4 who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion,5 who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.- Psalms 103:1-5
All because I can't find joy and happiness in what I have and in who I am, I am being blocked from this love and peace that God is offering me. I am letting this world stand in my way. I am letting myself stand in my way.
I must remember this from Hebrews 13:5-6:
5 Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said,“Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”[a]6 So we say with confidence,“The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can mere mortals do to me?"
Friday, April 18, 2014
Serving while Working
One of the struggles that I face and deal with on a nearly daily basis is the fine line of what I can and can't say at work in regards to my faith. At work, there is the required tolerance policy, that states that we are not to alter our care for patients based on nationality, religion, diagnosis, or criminal behavior. Which means I have to be very careful with what I say, how I say it, and to whom I say it to.
This verse encourages me on the rough days at work... That despite the frustrations and challenges, as long as I serve wholeheartedly and serve with the knowledge that God is my supreme supervisor, I am working on the right sides of the tracks.
It's easy at work to get wrapped up in the politics and the favoritism and "the grind," but this reminds me to think bigger than my office/hospital. That the actions I commit are observed by a bigger being, and that they do count -- even if unseen by this world.
I am only a PTA. But I may be the only person that a patient sees that day that treats them with kindness, respect, love, attention, and care. Their other care givers may not give them quality time/attention/respect, and may be in a foul/rushed mood. Though I may not directly speak to my patients about the grace of God and the overwhelming acceptance he has for each of them, I have to firmly believe that my spirit shines his light.
And when I get into that rushed/foul mood (I am human and it happens more frequently than I like), a heartfelt prayer (even if a brief one) is all that's needed to rectify my own issues so that I can put others first.
My job is challenging. It's physical labor that leaves me sweating, with messy hair, and often without makeup by the end of the day. But I find such fulfillment and joy with the work that I do. Even when patients don't make huge physical improvements, they almost always make mood improvements -- something I almost put at a higher priority in a hospital setting.
Of course, now that I've written this blog post, I can only imagine that tomorrow God will challenge my opinions/faith...
"Serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord, not people, because you know that the Lord will reward each one for whatever good they do, whether they are slave or free."
- Ephesians 6:7-8
This verse encourages me on the rough days at work... That despite the frustrations and challenges, as long as I serve wholeheartedly and serve with the knowledge that God is my supreme supervisor, I am working on the right sides of the tracks.
It's easy at work to get wrapped up in the politics and the favoritism and "the grind," but this reminds me to think bigger than my office/hospital. That the actions I commit are observed by a bigger being, and that they do count -- even if unseen by this world.
I am only a PTA. But I may be the only person that a patient sees that day that treats them with kindness, respect, love, attention, and care. Their other care givers may not give them quality time/attention/respect, and may be in a foul/rushed mood. Though I may not directly speak to my patients about the grace of God and the overwhelming acceptance he has for each of them, I have to firmly believe that my spirit shines his light.
And when I get into that rushed/foul mood (I am human and it happens more frequently than I like), a heartfelt prayer (even if a brief one) is all that's needed to rectify my own issues so that I can put others first.
My job is challenging. It's physical labor that leaves me sweating, with messy hair, and often without makeup by the end of the day. But I find such fulfillment and joy with the work that I do. Even when patients don't make huge physical improvements, they almost always make mood improvements -- something I almost put at a higher priority in a hospital setting.
Of course, now that I've written this blog post, I can only imagine that tomorrow God will challenge my opinions/faith...
Sunday, March 30, 2014
Where's the Paper Bag? I'm Freaking Out, Man!
Tonight, I am having a lot of anxiety pop up and render me sleepless. I didn't miss these days of sleeplessness due to worry. I thought I had rectified the situation. Clearly not completely.
In less than 6 months I'm getting married. I am beyond thrilled to be marrying my best friend and one really spectacular guy. And I'm kind of impatient for our wedding day to arrive.
However, tonight as I'm laying in my messy bed surrounded by my messy room with mix-matched furniture (no seriously; I'm still using milk crates for shelving) and dated everything, I am completely overwhelmed with all the changes that are going to be occurring over the next 6-12 months.
Not only am I getting married, but I'm moving to a different town and leaving my church and my friends behind, I will be commuting 1 hour to/from my job until that becomes uneconomical and I will then be searching for a new job, and I will be settling into some sort of home routine with my future husband in a small one bedroom apartment, in which he has lived alone as a bachelor for the last 5 years (can we all just point out how much growing pain will be going on here?).
Our furniture situation is dismal -- he has just as little as I do. So we'll be trying to save up for furniture. And now he's throwing around the idea of house hunting, stating that he's hoping to move into our first home in November. Only 2 months after we're married.
Paper bag?? I need a paper bag!
(...several deep breaths later...)
I realize that many of these things are normal for newly weds to be facing. But I have to admit... These feel like really really huge changes to me. And I am getting really really overwhelmed.
I can find some solace in that.
I mean... Can you imagine dealing with this as an Israelite in slavery in Egypt? Or even during Jesus' time, moving all of your belongings on the back of a donkey?
In comparison, I don't really have that much to be worried about. LoL!
In all honesty though...Here's what really stemmed all of this tonight... A friend of mine on Facebook updated her status tonight, about how she had purchased her brand new Ashley furniture and gotten rid of her mix-matched furniture. (How awesome is that?! You go girl!!!) She's also three years younger than me. And she's living in her own apartment and just bought her some fabulous furniture. Talk about making me feel behind...
In less than 6 months I'm getting married. I am beyond thrilled to be marrying my best friend and one really spectacular guy. And I'm kind of impatient for our wedding day to arrive.
However, tonight as I'm laying in my messy bed surrounded by my messy room with mix-matched furniture (no seriously; I'm still using milk crates for shelving) and dated everything, I am completely overwhelmed with all the changes that are going to be occurring over the next 6-12 months.
Not only am I getting married, but I'm moving to a different town and leaving my church and my friends behind, I will be commuting 1 hour to/from my job until that becomes uneconomical and I will then be searching for a new job, and I will be settling into some sort of home routine with my future husband in a small one bedroom apartment, in which he has lived alone as a bachelor for the last 5 years (can we all just point out how much growing pain will be going on here?).
Our furniture situation is dismal -- he has just as little as I do. So we'll be trying to save up for furniture. And now he's throwing around the idea of house hunting, stating that he's hoping to move into our first home in November. Only 2 months after we're married.
Paper bag?? I need a paper bag!
(...several deep breaths later...)
I realize that many of these things are normal for newly weds to be facing. But I have to admit... These feel like really really huge changes to me. And I am getting really really overwhelmed.
22 Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib[h] he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.23 The man said,“This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh;My struggle dates back to even Biblical times. To chapter two of the entire bible. Chapter one? God creates the world and everything in it. Chapter two? God jumps right into talking about marriage and leaving your lives to create one life together.
she shall be called ‘woman,’ for she was taken out of man.”24 That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. - Genesis 2:24
I can find some solace in that.
I mean... Can you imagine dealing with this as an Israelite in slavery in Egypt? Or even during Jesus' time, moving all of your belongings on the back of a donkey?
In comparison, I don't really have that much to be worried about. LoL!
In all honesty though...Here's what really stemmed all of this tonight... A friend of mine on Facebook updated her status tonight, about how she had purchased her brand new Ashley furniture and gotten rid of her mix-matched furniture. (How awesome is that?! You go girl!!!) She's also three years younger than me. And she's living in her own apartment and just bought her some fabulous furniture. Talk about making me feel behind...
Comparison is the thief of joy.-Theodore RooseveltAnd I let my friend steal my joy tonight. I let jealousy get in the way. I let the "timeline" and "expectations" of this world rule my heart.
2 Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. -Romans 12:2Yes, Father. Message received.
Don't Let the Sun Go Down...
Today was a "Surprise Day." One of those days that don't go at all how you expect it to -- but in a good way. I had to work today, and was dreading going "into the office." Yet when I arrived I was greeted with a VERY abbreviated day. And by abbreviated, I mean I spent only 2.5 hours at work. Now the paycheck is going to stink, but what a gift of a surprise!! I suddenly found that I had almost my entire Sunday back.
I was able to get in a run on the elliptical, pick up some vegetables at the grocery store, make progress on planning my wedding quilt, and then found myself wasting a good portion of the time that I had suddenly been gifted with.
And then came that nagging... I was supposed to be doing something with this time I was surprised with. But what???
Then it dawned on me... I was supposed to be catching up on my Bible studies and sermons! So in I dived... Listening to the podcasts of the sermons I'd missed recently and taking notes... Catching up on my reading in The Story for Bible Class tomorrow night and answering the questions in our study outline ahead of our meeting... And then, catching up on Ladies Group homework.
While the rest of the church is studying The Story, Ladies Group is doing a study on Ephesians. Which brings me to one of the verses from this weeks assignment...
At first read, I thought about the age old wisdom given to newly-wed couples about not going to bed angry. But with further thought, these verses took on a deeper meaning.
In this passage, Paul is encouraging us to settle our disputes quickly so as to not let issues fester and grow and provide a way for the devil to enter in and rule our heart quickly.
But our issues aren't just relegated to arguments with others. They include gluttony, greed, laziness as well! And any other issue -- sexual impurity, carelessness, a quick temper, a sharp tongue, etc. But for the sake of this post, and my life, and my issues, I'm applying this verse to my struggle with weight.
I must settle my issues with gluttony, laziness, despair, frustration, lack of self worth, and self confidence. Replace "anger" with any of those issues...
I was able to get in a run on the elliptical, pick up some vegetables at the grocery store, make progress on planning my wedding quilt, and then found myself wasting a good portion of the time that I had suddenly been gifted with.
And then came that nagging... I was supposed to be doing something with this time I was surprised with. But what???
Then it dawned on me... I was supposed to be catching up on my Bible studies and sermons! So in I dived... Listening to the podcasts of the sermons I'd missed recently and taking notes... Catching up on my reading in The Story for Bible Class tomorrow night and answering the questions in our study outline ahead of our meeting... And then, catching up on Ladies Group homework.
While the rest of the church is studying The Story, Ladies Group is doing a study on Ephesians. Which brings me to one of the verses from this weeks assignment...
26 “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27 and do not give the devil a foothold. - Ephesians 4:26-27
At first read, I thought about the age old wisdom given to newly-wed couples about not going to bed angry. But with further thought, these verses took on a deeper meaning.
In this passage, Paul is encouraging us to settle our disputes quickly so as to not let issues fester and grow and provide a way for the devil to enter in and rule our heart quickly.
But our issues aren't just relegated to arguments with others. They include gluttony, greed, laziness as well! And any other issue -- sexual impurity, carelessness, a quick temper, a sharp tongue, etc. But for the sake of this post, and my life, and my issues, I'm applying this verse to my struggle with weight.
I must settle my issues with gluttony, laziness, despair, frustration, lack of self worth, and self confidence. Replace "anger" with any of those issues...
- In my laziness, do not sin: do not let the sun go down while you are still lazy, and do not give the devil a foothold.
Whoa. Lightbulb!
This verse is not just about anger or arguments between people.
It's also about each of our individual and unique struggles.
For if we let our struggle rule over us, we will sin and the devil will have a very unlocked door through which he may enter.
"Do not let the sun go down while you are still ___adjective/issue__..." Reminds us that each day we must make sure to win the battle. "Do not let the sun go down while you are still lazy" reminds me that I must be productive, that I must do something active each and every day (ran three miles thanks to this reminder!), that I must tackle something on that to do list (cleaned the shower and sink thanks to this reminder!).
My mind has been opened to a whole new understanding with this verse. And I'm so grateful that this verse was a part of my homework this week, as I'm working to invite God into this struggle.
I'm not going to let the devil rent space in this heart! I'm raising the rent and kicking him OUT!
How are you applying this verse? What adjective are you filling the blank with?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)