As is somewhat usual, I find myself deep in thought tonight. In a thoughtful mood. God is working in my heart, soul, and mind right now. I can feel his touch tonight.
There are no new "issues" to share in this blog tonight. The issues that I have been trying to deal with and sort through that I have already shared with you still remain, but I can feel God working in me concerning these issues.
More often these days I find myself in rapture with children. Not something I expected myself to ever be in rapture with... Children were never my strong suit. But these days? I find myself loving them and wanting them.
I find myself wanting a stable, healthy relationship. One that will meet my needs, my wants, who I'm not settling for. And on that same token, I feel a great connection with one man (who is unavailable and off limits to me at the present time) and little to no connection with another man (who is more available and totally on limits to me). The great connection is a man that I can see myself settling down with. The no connection is me settling. I feel as if I'm being desperate by hanging on to him even though I just don't think we're a good match. Is it better to have an empty relationship (but to still have someone ) or to be single (and potentially very lonely)?
I feel like I'm wasting my time with Josh. He's a nice guy, but I just don't know... ::sigh:: It's like pulling teeth for him to talk to me. I want to be excited to talk to a guy, and for him to be excited to talk to me. And I'm just not sure that's there for me... ::sigh:: Do I give him another chance and go spend my "weekend" with him or do I cut and run? My heart isn't there. I don't want to lead him on. But like my wise Mama says: it's probably because I'm subconsciously comparing him to Bryan.
I find myself unhappy with where my life is right now as far as career and self fulfillment. I crave purpose. I wonder if this is God telling me that I'm on the wrong path. I feel a little lost, and I often find myself closing my eyes and speaking to God for help, direction.
I am so appreciative of the millions of blessings I have. Truly, I am. I often find myself very emotional about just how blessed and lucky I am. I don't deserve everything I have. I feel so guilty for having so much.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Friday, November 26, 2010
What I Do on Friday Nights
Tonight, I decided to master crocheting baby beanies. I'm not pregnant (I'd have to have sex to be pregnant, and seeing as how THAT hasn't happened in a long time...), nor are any of my friends pregnant or with small children. I just wanted to learn how to crochet something other than washcloths and blankets. So I decided to start with a baby accessory -- they're smaller in scale so would in theory require less time.
I found a pattern yesterday and a tutorial video on youtube and attempted to master it. But I kept messing it up for some reason. So I set it aside for the day and picked it back up today. And voila! I have crocheted my first baby beanie!!!
It is super cute. Now I just need to find a baby to give it to haha.
But in case you're curious or interested, here's the pattern and the tutorial. I copied the pattern straight from the tutorial for quick reference for me. And in case you're a newbie to crocheting (like I am!), I wrote the pattern more in english than in crochet language. :) All in all, the cap took me about an hour to crochet (once I'd mastered the technique lol. Meaning I did not count yesterday's learning curve in the time count).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QOlsvJNklow
- Chain 4
- Join the chain so that it becomes a loop (insert needle in loop furthest from end of chain. Loop new yarn, pull through both loops in the chain)
- Chain 2
-11 half double crochets (hdc) in/through/around the circle created by the chain. This creates a neat little circle that makes me think of a sand dollar!
-Do not join the 11th hdc to the 1st hdc -- this will create a "spiral" effect in your hat instead of straight circles, which is a good thing! It will make lengthening the hat easier; but it will also make it difficult to know when you've come to the end of each "round" (aka: crocheting around the hat and reaching your starting point)
-Okay. Now that you're at the "start" of the circle, you're going to put 2 hdc's in the middle of each stitch of the circle. This may be confusing at the start, but will become very easy with a little practice. Watching the video will help demonstrate this better than words can describe! Yay YouTube! There will be a total of 24 stitches made in this round.
-Now you're at the "start" of the second circle. Mark this with a contrasting color. I used a neon green hair stretchy. You can use yarn like she does in the video. Whatever you use, just pull it through the loop. You're using it as reference so that you know when you get back to the start; helps reduce confusion.
-Round 3: alternate between single hdc's and double hdc's in each stitch. This makes the beanie wider for the wee little head! :) (36 stitches)
-Round 4: single hdc in each stitch (36 stitches)
-Round 5: this one can get tricky. There's a sequence: (1st stitch/hole) single hdc, (2nd stitch/hole) single hdc, (3rd stitch/hole) double hdc. Repeat this all the way around back to your reference string/yarn/hair tie. After a few, if you get lost, you'll be able to inspect the stitches you've done and figure out if you're on the 1st, 2nd, or 3rd stitch of the pattern.
-Round 6 and on (they recommend to 21): single hdc in each stitch. This is where it whizzes by!
My beanie started "curling" in round three! :) So don't be alarmed if your's doesn't stay as flat as the lady's in the video :)
Half Double Crochet Instructions:
(takes into account that you have already chained a straight chain and have your needle ready for instruction!)
-"Thread" needle so that you have two loops on the needle (the loop from the chain and the loop you just put on it)
- Dip needle through desired chain/hole and thread needle again on the back of your chain/hole (you now have three loops on the needle)
- Pull the third loop through the chain/hole so that your needle is on top of the piece you're working on
- Thread needle again and pull this 4th loop through the 2 closest loops (you now have 2 loops on your needle)
- Thread needle again (there are 3 loops on the needle) and pull the 3rd loop through the remaining 2 loops
- And you've just completed a half double crochet stitch! You're left with one loop on your needle and ready for the next step. Whether that's chaining, or going straight into more hdc's! :) :)
Hope that was of some help! The video is great. Watch the video and try it. Read my verbal cues and try it. Just give it a few chances... Once you've confronted the learning curve (I promise it's not that hard!), it's a breeze! :) :)
I found a pattern yesterday and a tutorial video on youtube and attempted to master it. But I kept messing it up for some reason. So I set it aside for the day and picked it back up today. And voila! I have crocheted my first baby beanie!!!
It is super cute. Now I just need to find a baby to give it to haha.
But in case you're curious or interested, here's the pattern and the tutorial. I copied the pattern straight from the tutorial for quick reference for me. And in case you're a newbie to crocheting (like I am!), I wrote the pattern more in english than in crochet language. :) All in all, the cap took me about an hour to crochet (once I'd mastered the technique lol. Meaning I did not count yesterday's learning curve in the time count).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QOlsvJNklow
- Chain 4
- Join the chain so that it becomes a loop (insert needle in loop furthest from end of chain. Loop new yarn, pull through both loops in the chain)
- Chain 2
-11 half double crochets (hdc) in/through/around the circle created by the chain. This creates a neat little circle that makes me think of a sand dollar!
-Do not join the 11th hdc to the 1st hdc -- this will create a "spiral" effect in your hat instead of straight circles, which is a good thing! It will make lengthening the hat easier; but it will also make it difficult to know when you've come to the end of each "round" (aka: crocheting around the hat and reaching your starting point)
-Okay. Now that you're at the "start" of the circle, you're going to put 2 hdc's in the middle of each stitch of the circle. This may be confusing at the start, but will become very easy with a little practice. Watching the video will help demonstrate this better than words can describe! Yay YouTube! There will be a total of 24 stitches made in this round.
-Now you're at the "start" of the second circle. Mark this with a contrasting color. I used a neon green hair stretchy. You can use yarn like she does in the video. Whatever you use, just pull it through the loop. You're using it as reference so that you know when you get back to the start; helps reduce confusion.
-Round 3: alternate between single hdc's and double hdc's in each stitch. This makes the beanie wider for the wee little head! :) (36 stitches)
-Round 4: single hdc in each stitch (36 stitches)
-Round 5: this one can get tricky. There's a sequence: (1st stitch/hole) single hdc, (2nd stitch/hole) single hdc, (3rd stitch/hole) double hdc. Repeat this all the way around back to your reference string/yarn/hair tie. After a few, if you get lost, you'll be able to inspect the stitches you've done and figure out if you're on the 1st, 2nd, or 3rd stitch of the pattern.
-Round 6 and on (they recommend to 21): single hdc in each stitch. This is where it whizzes by!
My beanie started "curling" in round three! :) So don't be alarmed if your's doesn't stay as flat as the lady's in the video :)
Half Double Crochet Instructions:
(takes into account that you have already chained a straight chain and have your needle ready for instruction!)
-"Thread" needle so that you have two loops on the needle (the loop from the chain and the loop you just put on it)
- Dip needle through desired chain/hole and thread needle again on the back of your chain/hole (you now have three loops on the needle)
- Pull the third loop through the chain/hole so that your needle is on top of the piece you're working on
- Thread needle again and pull this 4th loop through the 2 closest loops (you now have 2 loops on your needle)
- Thread needle again (there are 3 loops on the needle) and pull the 3rd loop through the remaining 2 loops
- And you've just completed a half double crochet stitch! You're left with one loop on your needle and ready for the next step. Whether that's chaining, or going straight into more hdc's! :) :)
Hope that was of some help! The video is great. Watch the video and try it. Read my verbal cues and try it. Just give it a few chances... Once you've confronted the learning curve (I promise it's not that hard!), it's a breeze! :) :)
Men... Ugh.
Men.
I don't get them.
Well... I do. For the most part. 97% of the time, I totally get them.
But 3% of the time? 3% of the time I don't fucking get them.
They seem interested. They act interested. They get to the "this could lead to something" point and then one of two things happen: they jump head first, or they get flaky.
And with Josh, I'm dealing with flaky.
Frankly, I find it incredibly irritating. I feel like I'm being used or led on. At this point, conversations shouldn't last for three text messages and then fall off. He should be excited to talk to me. But I'm getting nothing. NOTHING. Zilch.
And I refuse to be that girl. Who texts him all the time, skype chats him all the time. I already sent him a skype chat and got no response because he went "away" as soon as I sent it (don't you hate when that happens???), so if he wants to talk, then he needs to message me. It's his fucking turn. He's online. He pops in and off facebook, and he's "available" on skype. And he texted me two hours ago to ask if I'm working next weekend (which I am). And nothing since.
Seriously?????
UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
I DON'T GET MEN (3% of the time), and this is one of those 3% times.
And I wonder why I care so much... I've been on three "dates" with him, no kiss, mixed signals, etc. I really shouldn't care so much. I don't even know if we're compatible enough to be a couple. Like I think I've said before, he's not my usual type.
And all this is not being helped by the fact that Bryan is in the picture. Who I'm incredibly attracted to but who is off limits because Kelley is much more important to me. But damn... He's like, awesome. And I'm legit crushin. He meets so many of the criteria. Ughhhhhhh. I am so freaking confused...
I don't get them.
Well... I do. For the most part. 97% of the time, I totally get them.
But 3% of the time? 3% of the time I don't fucking get them.
They seem interested. They act interested. They get to the "this could lead to something" point and then one of two things happen: they jump head first, or they get flaky.
And with Josh, I'm dealing with flaky.
Frankly, I find it incredibly irritating. I feel like I'm being used or led on. At this point, conversations shouldn't last for three text messages and then fall off. He should be excited to talk to me. But I'm getting nothing. NOTHING. Zilch.
And I refuse to be that girl. Who texts him all the time, skype chats him all the time. I already sent him a skype chat and got no response because he went "away" as soon as I sent it (don't you hate when that happens???), so if he wants to talk, then he needs to message me. It's his fucking turn. He's online. He pops in and off facebook, and he's "available" on skype. And he texted me two hours ago to ask if I'm working next weekend (which I am). And nothing since.
Seriously?????
UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
I DON'T GET MEN (3% of the time), and this is one of those 3% times.
And I wonder why I care so much... I've been on three "dates" with him, no kiss, mixed signals, etc. I really shouldn't care so much. I don't even know if we're compatible enough to be a couple. Like I think I've said before, he's not my usual type.
And all this is not being helped by the fact that Bryan is in the picture. Who I'm incredibly attracted to but who is off limits because Kelley is much more important to me. But damn... He's like, awesome. And I'm legit crushin. He meets so many of the criteria. Ughhhhhhh. I am so freaking confused...
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Thankfulness
Today is Thanksgiving, and I decided to take a few moments to think about what I'm thankful for...
My family. No matter what I do, they stand by me, accept me, and love me.
My friends. They are amazing. And even though we may be going through some distance or separation, we can still call on each other and fall right back into it.
My dreams. They give me purpose and reason to live.
My jobs. They provide me with financial help, fun contact with the public, and great times with co-workers.
Safety, Health, a Home, Food, and Clothes.
My personality -- that even though I often over analyze, I never give up and I always find a way through. I also usually find a reason to be happy -- which makes my life a more enjoyable one!
The love and grace of God.
What are you thankful for this Thanksgiving?
My family. No matter what I do, they stand by me, accept me, and love me.
My friends. They are amazing. And even though we may be going through some distance or separation, we can still call on each other and fall right back into it.
My dreams. They give me purpose and reason to live.
My jobs. They provide me with financial help, fun contact with the public, and great times with co-workers.
Safety, Health, a Home, Food, and Clothes.
My personality -- that even though I often over analyze, I never give up and I always find a way through. I also usually find a reason to be happy -- which makes my life a more enjoyable one!
The love and grace of God.
What are you thankful for this Thanksgiving?
Roadblocks
Ugh. So after facing this junction, I came up with a game plan last night: I'm going to study for and take the GRE and apply for Physical Therapy school. And if I don't get in, then I can do PTA as my back up until I can get it.
So before I went to bed, I decided to do some quick looking around at the PT schools that I'm interested in. Of course, it shouldn't be of any surprise, but I have missed every single one of the application deadlines except one. And the one I haven't missed? Is ECU's, which is December 15th. So I would have basically two weeks to take the GRE, pass the GRE, submit completed applications, turn in at least three letters of receommendation for each school, AND complete at least 100 shadowing hours. So yeah. It's not going to happen.
So I'm stuck here, where I am, my life on hold. Twiddling my thumbs. All my prayers and hopes hanging on the PTA program at Craven -- and if it isn't accredited? I have no idea what I will do.
I just feel so stagnant here. I feel like I'm making no progress toward my career, that I'm wasting my time and my money. I'm just unhappy. I have no excitement left in my life -- I used to be so energetic and happy, and now, I feel like if you looked in my eyes, they would be lifeless and soul-less. I don't want to be like that!! But I'm stuck here.
I don't know. I am just so lost.
So before I went to bed, I decided to do some quick looking around at the PT schools that I'm interested in. Of course, it shouldn't be of any surprise, but I have missed every single one of the application deadlines except one. And the one I haven't missed? Is ECU's, which is December 15th. So I would have basically two weeks to take the GRE, pass the GRE, submit completed applications, turn in at least three letters of receommendation for each school, AND complete at least 100 shadowing hours. So yeah. It's not going to happen.
So I'm stuck here, where I am, my life on hold. Twiddling my thumbs. All my prayers and hopes hanging on the PTA program at Craven -- and if it isn't accredited? I have no idea what I will do.
I just feel so stagnant here. I feel like I'm making no progress toward my career, that I'm wasting my time and my money. I'm just unhappy. I have no excitement left in my life -- I used to be so energetic and happy, and now, I feel like if you looked in my eyes, they would be lifeless and soul-less. I don't want to be like that!! But I'm stuck here.
I don't know. I am just so lost.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Junction's Approach
Well, you all know about the latest development with school. That accredidation is up in the air and I won't really begin until April (or May!) if we are approved. Which has me in cycles of panic attacks, identity crises, fear, and anxiety.
And once again, I find myself at a junction in life. Where I have options. Choices. Turns. Decisions to make. And if you know me at all, you know how much I detest making decisions like this -- they make me so nervous, so fearful that I'll make the wrong decision.
So I've decided to air my laundry and list all my potential choices:
- Take the GRE and attempt to get into a Physical Therapy Doctorate program (which would be incredibly unlikely as I don't have anything on my resume that particularly sets me apart as an excellent candidate for PT school)
- Try to get into another PTA program. There are programs in Greensboro, Charlotte, and Asheville. I don't really want to live in any of those cities though. I grew up in Greensboro and thus have no real desire to return. Charlotte is nice, but it's entirely too big for me and has a higher cost of living. Asheville might be nice, but it's in the mountains which I would love, but could potentially be too close to Boone which is where my ex lives and thus where I'd like to avoid.
- Look into an online masters program in health promotion or something. However, this isn't exactly what I want to do with my life. I want to go into physical therapy. So I fear this would be just a waste of time/money.
- Focus on getting certified as a Personal Trainer, Health Fitness Specialist, or Group Exercise Instructor. This would make me more marketable for gym jobs, but again, I want to be a physical therapist. Personal training and group fitness is more of my fun job; my extra money job. So I fear that focusing on this would also be a bit of a waste of time and money (these certifications run about $500 a piece).
- Twiddle my thumbs and wait and see what happens with the PTA program at Craven. Did I mention how impatient I am?
So yeah... Those are my options. Ugh.
And once again, I find myself at a junction in life. Where I have options. Choices. Turns. Decisions to make. And if you know me at all, you know how much I detest making decisions like this -- they make me so nervous, so fearful that I'll make the wrong decision.
So I've decided to air my laundry and list all my potential choices:
- Take the GRE and attempt to get into a Physical Therapy Doctorate program (which would be incredibly unlikely as I don't have anything on my resume that particularly sets me apart as an excellent candidate for PT school)
- Try to get into another PTA program. There are programs in Greensboro, Charlotte, and Asheville. I don't really want to live in any of those cities though. I grew up in Greensboro and thus have no real desire to return. Charlotte is nice, but it's entirely too big for me and has a higher cost of living. Asheville might be nice, but it's in the mountains which I would love, but could potentially be too close to Boone which is where my ex lives and thus where I'd like to avoid.
- Look into an online masters program in health promotion or something. However, this isn't exactly what I want to do with my life. I want to go into physical therapy. So I fear this would be just a waste of time/money.
- Focus on getting certified as a Personal Trainer, Health Fitness Specialist, or Group Exercise Instructor. This would make me more marketable for gym jobs, but again, I want to be a physical therapist. Personal training and group fitness is more of my fun job; my extra money job. So I fear that focusing on this would also be a bit of a waste of time and money (these certifications run about $500 a piece).
- Twiddle my thumbs and wait and see what happens with the PTA program at Craven. Did I mention how impatient I am?
So yeah... Those are my options. Ugh.
Monday, November 22, 2010
He's Just (Not) Into Me?
This weekend was really nice. I was able to spend the whole weekend off work and with my family to celebrate Nanny's 75th birthday. It was so nice to relax and be with the people that I see so rarely.
And Harry Potter 7.1?? AHHHH-mazing!!! Meghan, Dad, and I went to see it Sunday, and I was seriously pleased with the production of it. They did a really amazing job with the story, details, etc. For the most part, they stuck really close to the book. There were only a few places where they left some stuff out that I thought were pretty major oversights, but it will be interesting to see how they work it all in in the last one!
On the way home from SC, I stopped in Fayetteville to have dinner with Josh. I met him and we went to his barracks. He had picked up dinner from Boston Market and we watched a couple movies. He was so cute last night. :) But no kiss! STILL! Haha. Granted it's only the third date, but I was kind of expecting him to try and kiss me. But he didn't. He wanted to, but he didn't. And his awkwardness was so cute.
We've been texting all weekend and all last night. Today I asked if he had plans for Thanksgiving, because I am going to cook a Thanksgiving spread and wanted to have someone to share it with. Well, he basically turned my invitation down. He didn't sight one specific reason, but several little ones: he's worried about having enough money, he's already been invited to several thanksgivings, etc etc. And now I'm watching "He's Just Not That Into You," looking for guidance and grounding. Is this a simple honest regrettable decision that he can't come? Or is he just not that into me? Like the movie says: "if a guy wants to see you, believe me, he will see you."
Then he said he couldn't talk because he had to go back to work, which he's never said before. Blowing me off? Pushing me away? Now I'm just confused.
Well whatever it is, the ball's in his court. He can text me. He can suggest the next date. If he's interested, he can take the next step. I'm tired of getting walked over and lied to.
And Harry Potter 7.1?? AHHHH-mazing!!! Meghan, Dad, and I went to see it Sunday, and I was seriously pleased with the production of it. They did a really amazing job with the story, details, etc. For the most part, they stuck really close to the book. There were only a few places where they left some stuff out that I thought were pretty major oversights, but it will be interesting to see how they work it all in in the last one!
On the way home from SC, I stopped in Fayetteville to have dinner with Josh. I met him and we went to his barracks. He had picked up dinner from Boston Market and we watched a couple movies. He was so cute last night. :) But no kiss! STILL! Haha. Granted it's only the third date, but I was kind of expecting him to try and kiss me. But he didn't. He wanted to, but he didn't. And his awkwardness was so cute.
We've been texting all weekend and all last night. Today I asked if he had plans for Thanksgiving, because I am going to cook a Thanksgiving spread and wanted to have someone to share it with. Well, he basically turned my invitation down. He didn't sight one specific reason, but several little ones: he's worried about having enough money, he's already been invited to several thanksgivings, etc etc. And now I'm watching "He's Just Not That Into You," looking for guidance and grounding. Is this a simple honest regrettable decision that he can't come? Or is he just not that into me? Like the movie says: "if a guy wants to see you, believe me, he will see you."
Then he said he couldn't talk because he had to go back to work, which he's never said before. Blowing me off? Pushing me away? Now I'm just confused.
Well whatever it is, the ball's in his court. He can text me. He can suggest the next date. If he's interested, he can take the next step. I'm tired of getting walked over and lied to.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Big Plans -- Kinda Wish I Had None
I'm in for quite a weekend. Work until 7pm tonight, then heading straight from work to good ol' South Carolina to enjoy a weekend with the family. Friday will be spent cleaning my grandparents house. Saturday will be spent celebrating Aunt Genny's birthday, Nanny's birthday, and Thanksgiving. Then Sunday, Meghan, Dad, and I are going to Florence to see Harry Potter 7 part 1 (eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!). Then on the way home, I'm stopping in Fayetteville for a dinner date.
Like I said -- quite a weekend.
I'm excited to see the family and pick up my Christmas decorations. But I'm not looking forward to the long drive, and I'm so paranoid that someone will break into my apartment while I'm gone and steal things. I'm so paranoid that I'm taking with me this weekend my prized possessions. Seriously. Paranoid. This is yet another reason illustrating why having roommate(s) is/are handy and helpful. They make living cheaper, increase security, are good company, help keep the apartment clean, and overall they increase your sanity.
I also kinda wish that I didn't have any plans this weekend (and no work) so that I could just rest. This virus is killing me. I can't sleep. I'm not hungry. I'm forever tired. I have no time to rest, recover, and heal.
In other tidbits, my nose is so chapped from the constant nose blowing that I am literally applying chapstick to the INSIDE of my nose. This virus freaking sucks.
Like I said -- quite a weekend.
I'm excited to see the family and pick up my Christmas decorations. But I'm not looking forward to the long drive, and I'm so paranoid that someone will break into my apartment while I'm gone and steal things. I'm so paranoid that I'm taking with me this weekend my prized possessions. Seriously. Paranoid. This is yet another reason illustrating why having roommate(s) is/are handy and helpful. They make living cheaper, increase security, are good company, help keep the apartment clean, and overall they increase your sanity.
I also kinda wish that I didn't have any plans this weekend (and no work) so that I could just rest. This virus is killing me. I can't sleep. I'm not hungry. I'm forever tired. I have no time to rest, recover, and heal.
In other tidbits, my nose is so chapped from the constant nose blowing that I am literally applying chapstick to the INSIDE of my nose. This virus freaking sucks.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
First Date
It's been a long time since I had one of these -- a first date.
And I had a lovely time! I was kind of surprised he was still interested in going out last night since I'm still stuck with this persistent cold. But I think he was pretty excited to have a date. ;)
He drove back to NC (where he's stationed) from CT (home) yesterday, and then came to New Bern for dinner! It was a busy day for me -- the cold was really getting to me and I didn't sleep well the night before (my sinuses kept waking me up!!), I had class at the Y in the morning, bus training a few hours later, then class at the Y an hour after that. Then after class, I gave myself one hour to come home, shower, dress, and get ready for the first date. It was a whirlwind hour! But amazingly I was ready pretty much on time, and looked really cute (dress denim slacks, dark purple tank top with sparkles, and white crocheted cape jacket paired with my green sanuks). He came and picked me up (which was a little outside of my comfort zone -- I usually meet the guy at the destination on the first date) and we went to dinner. We ate at a very nice resturant: Morgans Tavern and Bar located in the heart of downtown New Bern. It was such a cute and nice resturant. We ordered crab dip as an appetizer, he got a ribeye, and I got crabcakes (amazzzzzzzzzzzzing). It was not a cheap place -- I kind of felt bad that it was so expensive. He never made a single comment about the price, and we had excellent conversation with some good laughs.
Then afterwards, we walked around downtown New Bern for a bit (by this time it was probably 930pm or so) and did some talking. I had some pertty serious questions/concerns that I raised, and he answered them very honestly and said that none of the things were of concern to him. I brought up the fact that it was a 2hr long distance relationship, and that probably due to my job situation, I wouldn't be able to evenly visit him like he would me -- so most of the driving would probably fall on his shoulders. I also brought up the fact that I'm in no rush to get into a relationship, and I don't want the pressure of that right now. Again -- he said none of this was a problem and wouldn't be a deterance to him.
Afterwards, I did something I don't do on the first date: I invited him to my apartment to watch a DVD. So we rented IronMan2 and watched it. He was cute in his nervousness and innocence. I made the only "move" that night in that I stretched out on the couch and put my legs in his lap. He rubbed them some (which felt so nice, btw), but it didn't go any further than that. No hand holding! No kissing! I was so surprised!!
He stayed in New Bern last night (he didn't want to drive back so late), and stayed in a hotel room. Again, I kind of felt bad that he had to spend the money, but at the same time: it was his choice to do so.
And today we hung out and got lunch. We did another movie, and got steak and cheese sandwiches and brought them back to eat. I wasn't feeling too well today and thus my creativity was zapped. But we did some cuddling on the couch of the more traditional sense: me leaning against him. After the movie was 1 hours in, he finally started rubbing my knee (again; gosh I forgot how much I love that!). Then once the movie was 1.5 hours in, I strategically placed my hand close but just out of reach of my knee and his hand. And we held hands. :) It was so cute and sweet and innocent. I knew he wanted to kiss me, but he didn't! It was honestly nice. To have a guy who wasn't going to rush anything.
A part of me wishes he had kissed me, but at the same time, I'm kind of glad he didn't. :) Leaves something to look forward to -- when I'm not sick! Haha.
I like him. He's cute, sweet, kind of awkward, fun. But we'll see. There is this other guy I've been talking to who I click with more and with whom there's some serious connection. But he's got issues, has no direction in his life, he drinks too much, and he's one of my friends' friends (meaning he's kind of taboo and off limits). So I just don't know.
I'm just going to go with the flow and see what happens. :) I like Josh... He's a sweet guy with a good heart. And they say nerds are better boyfriends and lovers -- they're more in tune with your needs and wishes, work harder to please, and stick to the gentleman way more than a "hot" guy would. So time will tell!
And I had a lovely time! I was kind of surprised he was still interested in going out last night since I'm still stuck with this persistent cold. But I think he was pretty excited to have a date. ;)
He drove back to NC (where he's stationed) from CT (home) yesterday, and then came to New Bern for dinner! It was a busy day for me -- the cold was really getting to me and I didn't sleep well the night before (my sinuses kept waking me up!!), I had class at the Y in the morning, bus training a few hours later, then class at the Y an hour after that. Then after class, I gave myself one hour to come home, shower, dress, and get ready for the first date. It was a whirlwind hour! But amazingly I was ready pretty much on time, and looked really cute (dress denim slacks, dark purple tank top with sparkles, and white crocheted cape jacket paired with my green sanuks). He came and picked me up (which was a little outside of my comfort zone -- I usually meet the guy at the destination on the first date) and we went to dinner. We ate at a very nice resturant: Morgans Tavern and Bar located in the heart of downtown New Bern. It was such a cute and nice resturant. We ordered crab dip as an appetizer, he got a ribeye, and I got crabcakes (amazzzzzzzzzzzzing). It was not a cheap place -- I kind of felt bad that it was so expensive. He never made a single comment about the price, and we had excellent conversation with some good laughs.
Then afterwards, we walked around downtown New Bern for a bit (by this time it was probably 930pm or so) and did some talking. I had some pertty serious questions/concerns that I raised, and he answered them very honestly and said that none of the things were of concern to him. I brought up the fact that it was a 2hr long distance relationship, and that probably due to my job situation, I wouldn't be able to evenly visit him like he would me -- so most of the driving would probably fall on his shoulders. I also brought up the fact that I'm in no rush to get into a relationship, and I don't want the pressure of that right now. Again -- he said none of this was a problem and wouldn't be a deterance to him.
Afterwards, I did something I don't do on the first date: I invited him to my apartment to watch a DVD. So we rented IronMan2 and watched it. He was cute in his nervousness and innocence. I made the only "move" that night in that I stretched out on the couch and put my legs in his lap. He rubbed them some (which felt so nice, btw), but it didn't go any further than that. No hand holding! No kissing! I was so surprised!!
He stayed in New Bern last night (he didn't want to drive back so late), and stayed in a hotel room. Again, I kind of felt bad that he had to spend the money, but at the same time: it was his choice to do so.
And today we hung out and got lunch. We did another movie, and got steak and cheese sandwiches and brought them back to eat. I wasn't feeling too well today and thus my creativity was zapped. But we did some cuddling on the couch of the more traditional sense: me leaning against him. After the movie was 1 hours in, he finally started rubbing my knee (again; gosh I forgot how much I love that!). Then once the movie was 1.5 hours in, I strategically placed my hand close but just out of reach of my knee and his hand. And we held hands. :) It was so cute and sweet and innocent. I knew he wanted to kiss me, but he didn't! It was honestly nice. To have a guy who wasn't going to rush anything.
A part of me wishes he had kissed me, but at the same time, I'm kind of glad he didn't. :) Leaves something to look forward to -- when I'm not sick! Haha.
I like him. He's cute, sweet, kind of awkward, fun. But we'll see. There is this other guy I've been talking to who I click with more and with whom there's some serious connection. But he's got issues, has no direction in his life, he drinks too much, and he's one of my friends' friends (meaning he's kind of taboo and off limits). So I just don't know.
I'm just going to go with the flow and see what happens. :) I like Josh... He's a sweet guy with a good heart. And they say nerds are better boyfriends and lovers -- they're more in tune with your needs and wishes, work harder to please, and stick to the gentleman way more than a "hot" guy would. So time will tell!
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Sick...
Well, I have come down with the Cold virus. Woke up yesterday with the worst sore throat, and now it's combined with sinus congestion and some mild body aches. Thankfully the throat isn't as sore as it was yesterday (more sinus than anything else). So unfortunately I will not be attending church tomorrow -- because I don't want to infect anyone there. :( Particularly since the congreation has so many children!
So I'm all hopped up on meds -- Nyquil, Sudafed, Zicam, Advil. I'm just praying for some good sleep tonight! I had such trouble last night getting to sleep :(
But thankfully, "Why Did I Get Married" is on TNT, and I love the Tyler Perry movies! Hooray for entertainment!!! :) :) :)
So I'm all hopped up on meds -- Nyquil, Sudafed, Zicam, Advil. I'm just praying for some good sleep tonight! I had such trouble last night getting to sleep :(
But thankfully, "Why Did I Get Married" is on TNT, and I love the Tyler Perry movies! Hooray for entertainment!!! :) :) :)
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Will this week ever improve?
I've had a really crappy week. It's been such a roller coaster.
Monday there were issues with the Y -- they told me a program started on the 8th, but then said it started the 12th, then I got the impression that I was, indeed suppossed to be there the 8th.
Tuesday I completely forgot my **required** advising meeting for my PTA program. So I had to call and reschedule for Thursday.
Wednesday at Cato the money was all fucked up -- I didn't do the deposit right and we had two random dollars that didn't belong anywhere.
Thursday (today) I went to my makeup advising meeting, and found out that due to accredidation issues, classes wouldn't begin until APRIL. So instead of having 3 months to settle into New Bern, I will now have 7 or 8 months (depending on when classes start). When the whole time, I could have lived at home, saved the money, gotten better part time jobs, done some shadowing with a physical therapist, and taken more relative courses at a local community college. So now my light at the end of the tunnel for Cato is gone. I was so looking forward to January when I could tell them that I could only do reduced hours due to school. But now I have 4 or 5 more months of open availability. 4 or 5 more months of misery. And all I want to do is go home. To be with my family.
I feel like I can't keep up with my jobs -- I can't dedicate myself to one because I'm balancing all three. The Y offered me a regular schedule with bus driving, and I had to say no because of Cato -- because Cato brings in the money and offers me insurance.
Not to mention my emotions have been all over the place. I've been crying, laughing, moody, etc etc. So this latest blow has just put me over the edge.
I just can't get ahead this week.
Monday there were issues with the Y -- they told me a program started on the 8th, but then said it started the 12th, then I got the impression that I was, indeed suppossed to be there the 8th.
Tuesday I completely forgot my **required** advising meeting for my PTA program. So I had to call and reschedule for Thursday.
Wednesday at Cato the money was all fucked up -- I didn't do the deposit right and we had two random dollars that didn't belong anywhere.
Thursday (today) I went to my makeup advising meeting, and found out that due to accredidation issues, classes wouldn't begin until APRIL. So instead of having 3 months to settle into New Bern, I will now have 7 or 8 months (depending on when classes start). When the whole time, I could have lived at home, saved the money, gotten better part time jobs, done some shadowing with a physical therapist, and taken more relative courses at a local community college. So now my light at the end of the tunnel for Cato is gone. I was so looking forward to January when I could tell them that I could only do reduced hours due to school. But now I have 4 or 5 more months of open availability. 4 or 5 more months of misery. And all I want to do is go home. To be with my family.
I feel like I can't keep up with my jobs -- I can't dedicate myself to one because I'm balancing all three. The Y offered me a regular schedule with bus driving, and I had to say no because of Cato -- because Cato brings in the money and offers me insurance.
Not to mention my emotions have been all over the place. I've been crying, laughing, moody, etc etc. So this latest blow has just put me over the edge.
I just can't get ahead this week.
I'm in such a reflective state of mind today.
On the state of my life. My emotions. My family -- alive and passed. The things I've done in the past -- that which I am proud of; that which I am embarrased of. My future. What it holds for me. Where it will take me. What will I be remembered for? Are the decisions I'm making today the right ones? Will I feel this alone forever? Will I be this busy with everything that I won't have time for the things I want to do forever? How many more times will I get lost before I am found?
I miss my family so much right now. My blood family, my emotional family. I just want to gather them around me and hold them close and never let go.
I don't know why I'm so emotional right now. But it's hitting me hard.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Deep Sleep to Consciousness in 0.29 seconds
Today began horribly. It was suppossed to start wonderfully. I didn't have to work until 2pm today, so I could sleep in. Like really sleep in. I set my alarm for 11:50am so that if I did sleep in, I'd get up with plenty of time to get ready. But at 11:30am, I bolted upright in my bed, going from deep sleep to full consciousness in .29 seconds. Why? Because in my sleep I realized that I had 100% totally forgotten to go to my required advising meeting yesterday for school!
That's one of the worst feelings in the world for me -- realizing that you totally forgot a deadline or appointment. I instantly went from realization to freak out/panic attac/break down. I let myself feel every emotion I wanted to feel -- anger, disappointment, embarrasment, failure, sadness. I let the tears flow.
But ten minutes later, I had to take a deep breath and collect myself. Going on like this forever doesn't help a situation. You have to acknowledge these feelings and feel these feelings, but you can't dwell on them. I said a little prayer, calmed myself down, and moved on.
I wrote the director an email, apologizing profusely and letting her know when I could meet her to make it up.
Now? All I can do is wait. And hope that this one obstacle won't doom me. Wait for her response. Pray for a second chance. And do better about keeping my schedule straight!
That's one of the worst feelings in the world for me -- realizing that you totally forgot a deadline or appointment. I instantly went from realization to freak out/panic attac/break down. I let myself feel every emotion I wanted to feel -- anger, disappointment, embarrasment, failure, sadness. I let the tears flow.
But ten minutes later, I had to take a deep breath and collect myself. Going on like this forever doesn't help a situation. You have to acknowledge these feelings and feel these feelings, but you can't dwell on them. I said a little prayer, calmed myself down, and moved on.
I wrote the director an email, apologizing profusely and letting her know when I could meet her to make it up.
Now? All I can do is wait. And hope that this one obstacle won't doom me. Wait for her response. Pray for a second chance. And do better about keeping my schedule straight!
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Twisty
Well, random facebook boy and I have been corresponding. I frankly am not sure how I feel about any of it. I mean, he's a nice guy. But he drives a sports car (like a serious speed demon), and that just screams "prick" to me. He doesn't listen to country (said he doesn't mind it). He's kind of geeky. It seems that we have different senses of humor -- he's sent me some youtube videos that I didn't find humorous at all. One was offensive (waaaaaaay too much cussing) and one wasn't funny. I just... I don't know. Something is telling me to tread carefully and slowly with him. I'm in no hurry to begin a relationship. I know this. In fact, I have another month before I'm even "allowed" to be in a relationship. BTW, his name is Josh.
Another twist in the story of Josh? Well I received a facebook message from Emily a couple days ago. Emily is currently dating Patrick, one of my old neighbors at ECU. Emily cheated on Patrick (also had an abortion with this cheating), they broke up, but got back together. Anywho, Emily messaged me: "Hey Blair. Just have a quick question: how do you know Josh? He's my Ex-Fiance." Yeah. Talk about a twist in the road!
I asked him about it -- I was concerned that he was using me to get back at Emily. And he spoke with such dislike of Emily, and surprise that we knew each other, that I don't think it was plotted. But definitely an interesting twist.
On another note, I'm a bit confused about another guy. I just met him, and we had some great laughs. He's got some issues, but I kind of got the vibe that he was into me. He messaged me his number, then texted me and told me that he was quitting smoking because of me (I asked him why he smoked and he said he didn't know so decided to quit). And we've been chatting on and off for a few days now. So yeah... Not really sure where (or if) that one's going.
It all reverts back to this: If he's (either one of them) interested, he'll make it happen. Otherwise, don't give him the time of day.
It'll be interesting to see how things turn out! I will just say that none of this was expected, and once again life has taken me some interesting places. No telling where I'm going or what's coming next.
Another twist in the story of Josh? Well I received a facebook message from Emily a couple days ago. Emily is currently dating Patrick, one of my old neighbors at ECU. Emily cheated on Patrick (also had an abortion with this cheating), they broke up, but got back together. Anywho, Emily messaged me: "Hey Blair. Just have a quick question: how do you know Josh? He's my Ex-Fiance." Yeah. Talk about a twist in the road!
I asked him about it -- I was concerned that he was using me to get back at Emily. And he spoke with such dislike of Emily, and surprise that we knew each other, that I don't think it was plotted. But definitely an interesting twist.
On another note, I'm a bit confused about another guy. I just met him, and we had some great laughs. He's got some issues, but I kind of got the vibe that he was into me. He messaged me his number, then texted me and told me that he was quitting smoking because of me (I asked him why he smoked and he said he didn't know so decided to quit). And we've been chatting on and off for a few days now. So yeah... Not really sure where (or if) that one's going.
It all reverts back to this: If he's (either one of them) interested, he'll make it happen. Otherwise, don't give him the time of day.
It'll be interesting to see how things turn out! I will just say that none of this was expected, and once again life has taken me some interesting places. No telling where I'm going or what's coming next.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Omg... REALLY???
My life is seriously the most random series of events and experiences ever. Things just always seem to just fall into place (internship, New Bern, ECU, etc) and happen. And the road has been quite an adventure! One that has been fulfilling and rewarding so far.
But the newest random occurrence? Not even I could make this up.
I logged into facebook two days ago, and had a friend request from a guy named Josh. I couldn't remember this guy based on his name. So I went to his profile -- and we had no friends in common. "Odd," I thought. So I decided to shoot him a message: "Hey Josh. You sent me a friend request, but I can't place you...
:( Care to refresh my memory on how we know eachother? Haha. No worries if it was a mistake, just not sure who you are. :) "
And here's how it went from there...
J: We don't know each other, I just figured I know the ECU very well, and I just decided to search for randoms, and honestly your the only one I added. I had intentions of of talking to you and figured if you didn't want to, then awesome, and if you did want to talk, then awesome as well.
So I'm not offended if you don't know me, but I figured what the heck when I sent it to you.
(5 mins later) J: Without sugar coating it I thought you were pretty and I was hoping to get to know you.
Like I said... I could not make this up. Only in my life would a completely random person who lives 2 hours away from me use facebook as a dating site. And yes, we have been corresponding. And yes, my interest is piqued. And yes, he asked to meet up for coffee. And yes, I have accepted the invitation (he's on leave and won't be back until the 15th though). And yes, I'm violating my anti-military dating rule by entertaining the idea of an Army guy. LoL. ::shaking head::
I'm really asking for trouble, aren't I?
But be proud -- he's a bit of a nerd, so maybe he won't be such an ass hole (unlike everyother military hottie I've dated -- yes, I'm proud to say my military guys have been hotties :-p). I don't know. I just don't know. I mean... Really?? Is this really happening?? Of course it is, because it's my life. And only in my life would this happen. :-p
But at least you can get some good entertainment out of it. Hahaha.
But the newest random occurrence? Not even I could make this up.
I logged into facebook two days ago, and had a friend request from a guy named Josh. I couldn't remember this guy based on his name. So I went to his profile -- and we had no friends in common. "Odd," I thought. So I decided to shoot him a message: "Hey Josh. You sent me a friend request, but I can't place you...
:( Care to refresh my memory on how we know eachother? Haha. No worries if it was a mistake, just not sure who you are. :) "
And here's how it went from there...
J: We don't know each other, I just figured I know the ECU very well, and I just decided to search for randoms, and honestly your the only one I added. I had intentions of of talking to you and figured if you didn't want to, then awesome, and if you did want to talk, then awesome as well.
So I'm not offended if you don't know me, but I figured what the heck when I sent it to you.
(5 mins later) J: Without sugar coating it I thought you were pretty and I was hoping to get to know you.
Like I said... I could not make this up. Only in my life would a completely random person who lives 2 hours away from me use facebook as a dating site. And yes, we have been corresponding. And yes, my interest is piqued. And yes, he asked to meet up for coffee. And yes, I have accepted the invitation (he's on leave and won't be back until the 15th though). And yes, I'm violating my anti-military dating rule by entertaining the idea of an Army guy. LoL. ::shaking head::
I'm really asking for trouble, aren't I?
But be proud -- he's a bit of a nerd, so maybe he won't be such an ass hole (unlike everyother military hottie I've dated -- yes, I'm proud to say my military guys have been hotties :-p). I don't know. I just don't know. I mean... Really?? Is this really happening?? Of course it is, because it's my life. And only in my life would this happen. :-p
But at least you can get some good entertainment out of it. Hahaha.
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