Thoughts

As is somewhat usual, I find myself deep in thought tonight.  In a thoughtful mood.  God is working in my heart, soul, and mind right now.  I can feel his touch tonight.

There are no new "issues" to share in this blog tonight.  The issues that I have been trying to deal with and sort through that I have already shared with you still remain, but I can feel God working in me concerning these issues. 

More often these days I find myself in rapture with children.  Not something I expected myself to ever be in rapture with...  Children were never my strong suit.  But these days?  I find myself loving them and wanting them.

I find myself wanting a stable, healthy relationship.  One that will meet my needs, my wants, who I'm not settling for.  And on that same token, I feel a great connection with one man (who is unavailable and off limits to me at the present time) and little to no connection with another man (who is more available and totally on limits to me).  The great connection is a man that I can see myself settling down with.  The no connection is me settling.  I feel as if I'm being desperate by hanging on to him even though I just don't think we're a good match.  Is it better to have an empty relationship (but to still have someone ) or to be single (and potentially very lonely)?

I feel like I'm wasting my time with Josh.  He's a nice guy, but I just don't know...  ::sigh::  It's like pulling teeth for him to talk to me.  I want to be excited to talk to a guy, and for him to be excited to talk to me.  And I'm just not sure that's there for me...  ::sigh::  Do I give him another chance and go spend my "weekend" with him or do I cut and run?  My heart isn't there.  I don't want to lead him on.  But like my wise Mama says: it's probably because I'm subconsciously comparing him to Bryan.

I find myself unhappy with where my life is right now as far as career and self fulfillment.  I crave purpose.  I wonder if this is God telling me that I'm on the wrong path.  I feel a little lost, and I often find myself closing my eyes and speaking to God for help, direction.

I am so appreciative of the millions of blessings I have.  Truly, I am.  I often find myself very emotional about just how blessed and lucky I am.  I don't deserve everything I have.  I feel so guilty for having so much.