Go somewheres else with your high-and-mighty

I am beyond annoyed.  We spend 35 minutes of our 43minute long conversation talking about YOU.  I bring up how crazy and ridiculous my day was, and yet you once again turn MY day into conversation about YOU.

A.N.N.O.Y.E.D.

Do not belittle me.
Do not blow off my frustrations and make them less than what they are.

Go be self absorbed at the gym, because I'm done with it on the phone.

Knowledge Needs Action

Knowledge does not guarantee success.

You can know all the tips and tricks, you can know what you should and shouldn't do, you can know how your body responds to certain stimuli.  But if you don't enact this knowledge (which is inert) into action, that knowledge is basically useless.

I went to college for four years and studied exercise.
I have taught exercise classes on the side for the past three years.
I know what you have to do to change your physique.

But I have not been dedicated to putting this knowledge into practice.

I will be "on program" for 5-10 days, then a weekend will come around that is full of social events and go-go-go-go, and boom.  My knowledge bows down to cravings and desires.

Now, lifestyle is not about deprivation.
It's about making common sense choices and not having a "cheat meal" every other day.

But I am not doing so good with this...  I am living in mediocrity and accepting the fast and easy route that leads to temporary satisfaction of a mental desire but leads to long term guilt, regret, and negative impact on my body's functioning and physique.

So my action goals for the rest of the week (and that means through Sunday!) are going to be simple:
1.  Eat good to feel good
2.  Move with purpose each day
3.  Go to bed on time

Yes, I'm sure I've shared these goals before, but I have to write them down.  I have to share them.  Otherwise, they don't exist.


Lordy lordy lordy.
This is seriously a journey, this "lifestyle" thing.  It's long.  It's frustrating.  I'd like to say I'm making progress, but I am not sure that I am.

One step at a time, Blair.  One step at a time.

There is a Time For Everything... Including Rest.

Just like you need to dedicate yourself to your workouts to meet your goals, you also need to rest to allow your body to recover from your workouts to meet you goals.

And last night/this morning was my rest period.

This week's routine of staying up too late (past 10pm), waking up way before dawn (430am), and hitting the gym for weight lifting and sprint training (5-530am and/or 530-6am), coupled with some very long and draining work days (I'm talking 10 hour days here), had left me exhausted.

I knew it was time to get some serious sleep/rest.  I put myself to bed at 830pm last night and gave myself the morning off from the gym/weights... The end result? 10 glorious hours of much needed deep sleep.

Despite me taking the morning off, I won't be taking the day off. :)  Planning on heading to the gym this evening for a quick sweat sesh then later getting in some quality yoga time for some flexibility training.

I am going to do this.  I am going to get there.

Body Image??

The concept of 'body image' is confusing to me.  The concept of my body image is down right impossible for me to figure out.

I don't feel "fat", maybe slightly fluffier than I used to be.  But I don't feel fat.

When I close my eyes and picture myself, what I see there is not at all like what photographs show.

So often the pictures taken of me reflect an image I don't identify with.  That's not me.  I don't look like that.  I certainly don't feel like what that looks like.

How do you merge the concept of how you feel inside with the reality of what you look like??

It is so confusing.

It leaves me feeling unsettled with my confidence -- unsure of whether or not I feel the way I actually feel about my body.  Yes, there is fat on me, I am not an elite athlete or body builder.  Yes, I have some "cottage cheese" on my thighs.  But I don't feel like my size is outrageous.  Pictures tell a different story.

And then I see pictures like this one on social media like Pinterest: 

This girl is freaking killing it in the confidence department.  I mean, she is rocking her curves and she looks like she's proud of them.  And that is awesome.

Although I don't feel fat, I certainly don't have the confidence to do what that girl did.  No way jose.  So then I wonder, well maybe I do feel as "fat" as the pictures of me show.

This is my thought process.  Circling around and around and around in my head, trying to figure out how I feel about my body, and really getting no where.  Maybe this is why I've stagnated and haven't been able to make physique progress -- because I can't decide whether or not I'm okay with being my size/shape.  When I ask myself what it will take to feel good about my body, I cannot come up with an answer.  I simply don't know what it would take to feel confident enough to take a picture like that (even privately).

Oops.

Two days of unclean eating is a sure way to remind me why I don't want to eat that way.  I feel sick, bloated, nauseous, tired/less energetic, and a whole lot grumpier than I should be.  It's amazing how a little junk food affects more than just my weight.

The sad thing is, just a couple days of being 'off program' has left me feeling lots of cravings and a decreased focus on being true to myself and honoring this temple that God has given me.  It's going to be a fight to eat right today...

But I love some of JillFit's tweets in this situation: (seriously -- if you tweet, you need to follow this girl. She is awesome)
- I don't care what you weigh, your body is still a masterpiece. The great thing is that you can always make it stronger, better, and happier. (Retweeted from Richard Simmons)
- If we want support from others, often *we* have to own our stuff first. Embrace your journey, and let affirmation come later :)
- Kindness >>>>>>>>>>>>>
- There's no one best nutrition plan. There's only YOUR plan--what will work for you. Stop being a dieter & become a detective.
- Your future physique is being created at your very next meal! #choices

Fuck You Fat.

I don't know what else can elicit simultaneous feelings of determination/motivation as well as heart-break/disgusted.  Only one thing can:  trying on last years "fat shorts" only to find that they are all too small.  Holy fuck that sucks.

::raises hand:: This is me right now.

In the midst of making the positive changes, making what feels like progress (even on the scale! -4lbs), and then I get punched in the stomach.  Hard.  Take my breath away and sink to my knees in pain hard.  Talk about discouragement.  Talk about embarrassment.  Talk about feeling like a failure.

And in the same breath, it is the most motivating thing that has happened to me in about a week.  I refuse to be like this, to surrender to the feelings of failure and self-doubt.  I will not yield to this devil.  This devil will be beaten -- no no no.  His ass is about to get WHOO'PED.  Devil, you think that can stop me?! HAH!  You clearly don't know me.

This makes me even more proud of myself for having gotten up at 430am to go workout this morning.  To have killed it at Bikini Boot Camp with the girls this morning.  To have been dripping with sweat and sprawled on the floor by the end.  That's right.  I committed murder this morning -- OF MY FAT CELLS!

And yes, it will not be an instant change.  And yes, I am struggling.  BUT I WILL DO THIS.  For myself.  For Daniel.  For my health.  For my future.  For the weddings I will attend this summer.  For my wedding next year.  For pride.  For confidence.  To prove that I can do it.  Again.  To achieve that healthy lifestyle where I enjoy working out and where I don't crave sweets and junk food.  I WILL DO THIS.

Get ready Devil.  You done drawn the last straw.  I will not get abused by your negativity any longer. Fuck off, fat.

And with my new tankini on hand, you won't stop me from going to the beach either.  Even if I am that girl -- the beached whale.

My broken record of frustration continues... Frustration with my size, how I feel, how I look.  Frustration with choosing the right way to fix it.  Frustration with everything that has to be done.

So I have to revert back to my positive affirmations to keep me on the straight and narrow for today.  Sigh.

And I think I need to remove the scale.  It's a negative influence.