I was facebook chatting with my Dad yesterday, and he made a comment: "Well the next time you visit, we'll go to [Holme's Hot Dogs]". And I thought to myself Man, it's been forever since I've gone to visit Dad. I really need to see about planning a visit.
So I get on Google and look up driving distance. A 7.5 fucking hour long drive! And I realized there's no way I'll be able to visit him anytime soon. It's just too far.
And that got me to thinking -- I am so far away from all of my family. I don't mind being on my own and doing my own thing, but at this point in my life, I'm feeling a very strong draw to be closer to my family. So I started googling driving distances...
Dad: 7.5 hour drive (he takes the cake)
Nanny and Papa: 4.5 hour drive
Aunt Genny: 6 hour drive
Mom: 6 hour drive
Meghan: 3.5 hour drive
Aunt Pam: 3 hour drive
Suja, Kelley: 3.5 hour drive
Stacey: 2.25 hour drive
I'm just too far away from everyone that I care about. And the only thing that has me here is a program that's having some delays getting started because of accredidation. I hate to be that girl, but if they can't get this program together in April like they promised, I'm out of here.
I'm going "home" to Greensboro and apply to attend the (already accredited) PTA program at Guilford Technical Community College and live in a 2 br (cheaper rent and utilities!) apartment with my sister, who also plans to attend GTCC in the fall.
This is my back up plan. And honestly, I kind of hope that the back up plan becomes the primary plan. I miss my family. I hate being so far away. Living with my sister will, of course, provide some challenges. But it will make it financially easier on my Dad, we'll be happier to have a roommate, and I'll be happier being closer to family (driving distances to everyone will be cut by at LEAST 1.5 hours!).
I don't want to bail on the PTA program at Craven CC, but they have honestly put me in a terrible position and I've lost a lot of respect and drive for participating in this program. I'm even considering dropping my spring audit courses to get a full refund (I honestly just can't afford pointless classes right now! And getting that $500 back to pay off on the credit card would sure be nice).
If I did the GTCC thing, I would have wasted a year. Another reason why I'm nervous to bail on CCC. Instead of being done 2012, It will be 2013. ::sigh:: That scares me. A lot.
But I just don't know if I'm happy here... And the thought of moving back to Greensboro, closer to everyone, living with Meghan, has me so pumped.
Time will tell. Maybe I can transfer from CCC to GTCC... Who knows. But it's amazing that such a little comment that Dad made has sparked all this.
Update
Well I shared my back up plan with Dad. He didn't seem to pleased to hear me say that Meghan and I were considering living together (more rent, more bills). He suggested that I also move to Seneca SC into his 2 bedroom, 1 bathroom apt with him and Meghan and drive 1.5 hours into NC for school in Sylva or Cullowhee.
I understand why he would want me to move in with him. And normally, it would be a great idea to me as well. But I'm not okay with not having any personal space. And a 3 hour (round trip) commute each day for school??? That hardly seems economical.
So now I feel like he doesn't think my back up plan is a good one. Like he sees it as just another money sucker.
But WCU has a DPT program. Applications are due Feb 1. So I'm going to bust my butt and apply for the DPT program as well as the PTA programs in Sylva and Jamestown.
Oh; and I'm dropping my classes that I was going to audit. Going to go for the full refund. Pay some off the credit card.
So now I'm just really confused... ::sigh::
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Happy Pills
For those of you who don't know, depression runs in my family on my Dad's side. Almost all of my Dad's side has struggled with depression from time to time. And I used to thank my lucky stars that I didn't get that gene.
But lately, I've been noticing some depressive tendencies. And that scares the crap out of me. I don't want to be like my Dad-- depressed, laid off, and with no drive in his life. But I've noticed that I'm down a lot lately. I'm completely capable of smiling and laughing (and hiding it?). But my loneliness (lack of friends and a special someone) is hitting me. The school situation is hitting me. The fears of the future is hitting me.
And all these fears are shutting me down. I can feel depressive tendencies sneaking in.
And I realize that I will have to have a therapist and possibly medication later in my life. This is something that I accept and that I won't run from (which Dad did -- he stuck his head in the sand and did nothing).
But lately, I've been noticing some depressive tendencies. And that scares the crap out of me. I don't want to be like my Dad-- depressed, laid off, and with no drive in his life. But I've noticed that I'm down a lot lately. I'm completely capable of smiling and laughing (and hiding it?). But my loneliness (lack of friends and a special someone) is hitting me. The school situation is hitting me. The fears of the future is hitting me.
And all these fears are shutting me down. I can feel depressive tendencies sneaking in.
And I realize that I will have to have a therapist and possibly medication later in my life. This is something that I accept and that I won't run from (which Dad did -- he stuck his head in the sand and did nothing).
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
The Gift of Giving
You know, sometimes guys really miss things. Like, really miss things.
I love to give gifts to people I care about. I love to spoil them, to let them know that I love them, to do nice things for them. I love the reaction when they get the gift. I thrive on the reaction. Which is probably why I love Christmas so much.
I purchased Boy B a new hat that he's been wanting since we met and had it sent to his apartment. I knew it would arrive today, and watched the package tracking closely to know if/when it was delivered. Before I went to work, I knew it had been delivered and that Boy B's roommate had signed for it. I was so excited to get home from work and skype with him to see his excitement when he opened it.
1. We didn't video chat at all -- so I didn't even see the hat
2. He opened it this afternoon on his break and didn't even send me an excited text message
3. When we did skype, he said he was heading out to the bar and I told him to check the mail that a package was delivered and his response was "Oh yeah, I totally forgot about that! Thank you sooo much"
4. 5 minutes later he left for the bar
Like what the fuck people??? REALLY?????????????????
It totally put a rain cloud over my whole day. Such a damper. I thought I was doing something so sweet and nice and surprising and I just felt like it was an unimportant detail in his day.
Not to mention I had so much that I wanted to talk to him about and tell him about and I didnt even get the opportunity.
::sigh::
I love to give gifts to people I care about. I love to spoil them, to let them know that I love them, to do nice things for them. I love the reaction when they get the gift. I thrive on the reaction. Which is probably why I love Christmas so much.
I purchased Boy B a new hat that he's been wanting since we met and had it sent to his apartment. I knew it would arrive today, and watched the package tracking closely to know if/when it was delivered. Before I went to work, I knew it had been delivered and that Boy B's roommate had signed for it. I was so excited to get home from work and skype with him to see his excitement when he opened it.
1. We didn't video chat at all -- so I didn't even see the hat
2. He opened it this afternoon on his break and didn't even send me an excited text message
3. When we did skype, he said he was heading out to the bar and I told him to check the mail that a package was delivered and his response was "Oh yeah, I totally forgot about that! Thank you sooo much"
4. 5 minutes later he left for the bar
Like what the fuck people??? REALLY?????????????????
It totally put a rain cloud over my whole day. Such a damper. I thought I was doing something so sweet and nice and surprising and I just felt like it was an unimportant detail in his day.
Not to mention I had so much that I wanted to talk to him about and tell him about and I didnt even get the opportunity.
::sigh::
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
A New Approach to New Years Resolutions
So I was talking on facebook to one of my best friends (my "life coach" if you will), Kelley. And she asked me if I had made any New Years Resolutions. I told her that I hadn't because I never keep them. And here's what she said about her approach to resolutions:
I make like 25 of them
and I set a reasonable standard where I say that I will measure success by the completion of at least 5 goals in 365 days
I vary the intensity and commitment of the goals. For instance, one goal could be a simple as cleaning my car out....where as another goal may be as complex as losing weight
I make life as easy on myself as possible. I feel that you should make goals at the beginning of the year, write them down (either on paper, in a journal, or in a blog), and review them occasionally. Then, in Dec of the following year, review to see how you did and where you want to go in the next year.
Goals are important to keep life from becoming monotonous and unmemorable
I thought this was an excellent, fresh approach to New Years Resolutions. And I'm going to try it. So here is my list of goals from which I can pick from throughout the year to choose to work on:
- Save 10% of every pay check
- Give 10% of every pay check to the church
- Find ways to become more involved and plugged into church
- Read 5 good books
- Take the GRE
- Clean the apartment with more regularity (once a week is the goal!)
- Go through and purge un used/un wanted clothing every season
- Make the majority of Christmas gifts for 2011
- Find a way to volunteer in the community -- pound, soup kitchen, tutoring, etc and volunteer at least twice a month
- Clean car once a month
- Feel confident in a bathing suit on the beach (aka Lose the 10 lbs I've gained)
- Stop treating my body like a trash can
- Work on (and finish?) a quilt
- Find a way to send love to my family once a season
- Send a couple care packages to Mom through out the year
- Find a way to send needed items to armed forces overseas once a season
- Take more time with my appearance with more regularity (never know when you'll meet fate!)
- Eat out no more than once a week to conserve money, increase my cooking skills, and have more control over my diet/caloric intake
- Apply to GTCC for PTA and WCU for DPT
- Eat out no more than once a week to conserve money, increase my cooking skills, and have more control over my diet/caloric intake
- Apply to GTCC for PTA and WCU for DPT
Monday, December 27, 2010
Loneliness
Well the family has gone, and life moves on. I'm in Havelock dog sitting Gambit and Jasper, Chris & Jeanine's awesome pups. New Bern got about four inches of snow on the 26th, so things here have been slower and quieter than it would normally be for the After Christmas shopping rush.
And with all the snow and all the cold, there has been a lot of down time. Lots of movie time. And as I'm curled up on the love seat in Chris and Jeanine's house (their lovely huge house -- they live in on base housing and this is seriously nice. It makes me wish I were married and well established), the pangs of loneliness are quite strong. I wish there was a man on the couch with me, that I was curled up with, keeipng warm, snuggling, kissing, rubbing my back. The quiet, innocent intimacy is what I miss most. Just having someone with me, next to me. Touching me.
Emily is on the couch next to me. Her husband is a Marine and is deployed. They are half way through the deployment. I can't imagine the difficulty of a relationship across oceans. Of having a mate, but that mate being no where near for months. And these pangs of loneliness that I feel right now -- I imagine that they are a little taste of what she and other deployment wives/husbands might feel.
Except my loneliness is a faceless one. There is not one particular person who I'm longing for right now -- I'm just longing for a mate. I'm longing to have the finish line in sight. Where as the military mates long for one particular person who can't be there physically with them. Who can't keep in constant contact all the time. Where there is a constant question mark above their heads as to whether they are safe or will survive their assignments. Living in a military area like I do, and having met so many military couples, I've gained so much more respect for the military and their families and loved ones.
This loneliness that I feel... If Boy B and I continue, this is what I will feel often. The separation will be constant. He is who I want to pursue. I've done long distance. I know the struggles. I know how to overcome them. But I want a close distance relationship. Not necessarily right away; but eventually.
Am I crazy to have already considered moving to or closer to the mountains for him? That I feel that solid of a connection with him that the phrase "move for love" could very well be applied to me? I want a mate. I want someone to cuddle with. I want him.
And with all the snow and all the cold, there has been a lot of down time. Lots of movie time. And as I'm curled up on the love seat in Chris and Jeanine's house (their lovely huge house -- they live in on base housing and this is seriously nice. It makes me wish I were married and well established), the pangs of loneliness are quite strong. I wish there was a man on the couch with me, that I was curled up with, keeipng warm, snuggling, kissing, rubbing my back. The quiet, innocent intimacy is what I miss most. Just having someone with me, next to me. Touching me.
Emily is on the couch next to me. Her husband is a Marine and is deployed. They are half way through the deployment. I can't imagine the difficulty of a relationship across oceans. Of having a mate, but that mate being no where near for months. And these pangs of loneliness that I feel right now -- I imagine that they are a little taste of what she and other deployment wives/husbands might feel.
Except my loneliness is a faceless one. There is not one particular person who I'm longing for right now -- I'm just longing for a mate. I'm longing to have the finish line in sight. Where as the military mates long for one particular person who can't be there physically with them. Who can't keep in constant contact all the time. Where there is a constant question mark above their heads as to whether they are safe or will survive their assignments. Living in a military area like I do, and having met so many military couples, I've gained so much more respect for the military and their families and loved ones.
This loneliness that I feel... If Boy B and I continue, this is what I will feel often. The separation will be constant. He is who I want to pursue. I've done long distance. I know the struggles. I know how to overcome them. But I want a close distance relationship. Not necessarily right away; but eventually.
Am I crazy to have already considered moving to or closer to the mountains for him? That I feel that solid of a connection with him that the phrase "move for love" could very well be applied to me? I want a mate. I want someone to cuddle with. I want him.
Friday, December 24, 2010
Christmas Eve
Christmas Eve 2010 and I find myself surrounded by some of my most loved people -- some of my family. And I realize just how incredibly blessed I am. To have family who drives so far to come visit me (Dad all the way from the mountains of SC!). To have co-workers who are so genuine, honest, enjoyable, and sweet (we all exchanged Christmas gifts today and everything was so incredibly sweet and thoughtful!!). To have met and made friends here in New Bern who have helped to get and keep me plugged into Two Rivers Church; where Dad, Meghan, and myself just came from for the Christmas Eve service. To have dreams that have brought me to such a quaint little town, where I hope I am able to continue working toward those dreams.
I have so much that it's ridiculous. I am so lucky. So spoiled. In the material things, in the immaterial things. I want to find a way for me to give back more to the community... I want to continue living a simple life, and to make it even simpler all the time if I can.
There are many things I'm worried about right now... Job (to apply to become a Hooters girl? Will Cato cut my hours since we've just hired another associate?). Money (credit card bills, bills, bills, bills). Future (is PTA where I want to go?).
But I'm setting all those things aside and focusing on how lucky I am to have my family here. That on this symbolic night, Mary made her way into Bethlehem to give birth to Jesus, Son of God. That on this holiday, God sent his Son to live, teach, and to die. That Jesus' death was ordained before he was born, to absolve us of our sins and to offer us eternal life. To teach us of love, patience, and forgiveness. That these gifts were given to me (and to you!) on this day is what we need to remember. These gifts are the most important gifts of all. More important and more exciting than any gift under your tree.
"In those days Caesar Augustus issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world. (This was the first census that took place while Quirinius was governor of Syria.) And everyone went to his own town to register.
So Joseph also went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to Bethlehem the town of David, because he belonged to the house and line of David. He went there to register with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child. While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn.
And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger."
Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying,
"Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests." " Luke 2:1-14
I have so much that it's ridiculous. I am so lucky. So spoiled. In the material things, in the immaterial things. I want to find a way for me to give back more to the community... I want to continue living a simple life, and to make it even simpler all the time if I can.
There are many things I'm worried about right now... Job (to apply to become a Hooters girl? Will Cato cut my hours since we've just hired another associate?). Money (credit card bills, bills, bills, bills). Future (is PTA where I want to go?).
But I'm setting all those things aside and focusing on how lucky I am to have my family here. That on this symbolic night, Mary made her way into Bethlehem to give birth to Jesus, Son of God. That on this holiday, God sent his Son to live, teach, and to die. That Jesus' death was ordained before he was born, to absolve us of our sins and to offer us eternal life. To teach us of love, patience, and forgiveness. That these gifts were given to me (and to you!) on this day is what we need to remember. These gifts are the most important gifts of all. More important and more exciting than any gift under your tree.
"In those days Caesar Augustus issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world. (This was the first census that took place while Quirinius was governor of Syria.) And everyone went to his own town to register.
So Joseph also went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to Bethlehem the town of David, because he belonged to the house and line of David. He went there to register with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child. While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn.
And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger."
Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying,
"Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests." " Luke 2:1-14
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Well my Dad and Sister are in town. It's kind of awkward having them here, but I'm glad they're here. Except it's kind of awkward. I don't know why it is. It just is.
But it's more nice to have them in town during the holidays. Except I'm not a very good host. :( I never know what to do for entertainment. LoL.
But it's more nice to have them in town during the holidays. Except I'm not a very good host. :( I never know what to do for entertainment. LoL.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Feeling Inspired
Today I hung out with Emily, this super amazing, enthusiastic, loving, kind, open minded girl who's in my Sunday School class. She is pretty amazing. She is a photographer, something I'd love to be. And hanging out with her today -- it really inspired me. To do what I want to do. To not abide by society's rules but rules of what is real, what is appropriate, what is right.
I am bursting with inspiration. I want to do something. I feel like right now, I could do anything. I want so badly to burst into this photography bubble... To step outside of my amateur ways and to take it a step up. To be better. Art, crafts -- that is where my soul and passion lies. But how do I make that into something that is enjoyable and profitable for me? If I could make a career out of it, I would love to. But how... ?
For some great reading on what to do with inspiration:
http://ordinarytooutstanding.org/2010/01/28/words-of-inspiration-take-advantage-when-inspiration-hits/
I am bursting with inspiration. I want to do something. I feel like right now, I could do anything. I want so badly to burst into this photography bubble... To step outside of my amateur ways and to take it a step up. To be better. Art, crafts -- that is where my soul and passion lies. But how do I make that into something that is enjoyable and profitable for me? If I could make a career out of it, I would love to. But how... ?
For some great reading on what to do with inspiration:
http://ordinarytooutstanding.org/2010/01/28/words-of-inspiration-take-advantage-when-inspiration-hits/
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Worried Sick
I'm so worried right now...
As I was closing at Cato last night, I received a text from Boy B. All it said was "Hospital..." I didn't hear from him again for about two hours. I still don't know what happened (besides a car wreck). I still don't know what was wrong with him. I still don't know know anything. I haven't heard from him since about 12am.
I don't know if he broke a bone. I don't know if he needed surgery. I don't know if he's under anesthesia. Nothing.
My brain thinks it's pretty bad because in one of the four texts, he said "I'll be ok". Which to me sounds like the macho way of saying 'I'm really fucked up right now, but I'm at the hospital so they'll fix me.'
I was up until after 4am last night because I wasn't tired because I was worried.
I still haven't heard from him... It's getting close to being 12 hours since I heard from him. I don't want to blow his phone up... If I were in the hospital and I were really fucked up, I would probably want some rest and some peace and quiet. But damn I wish I knew what was going on. Because I'm really worried about him.
As I was closing at Cato last night, I received a text from Boy B. All it said was "Hospital..." I didn't hear from him again for about two hours. I still don't know what happened (besides a car wreck). I still don't know what was wrong with him. I still don't know know anything. I haven't heard from him since about 12am.
I don't know if he broke a bone. I don't know if he needed surgery. I don't know if he's under anesthesia. Nothing.
My brain thinks it's pretty bad because in one of the four texts, he said "I'll be ok". Which to me sounds like the macho way of saying 'I'm really fucked up right now, but I'm at the hospital so they'll fix me.'
I was up until after 4am last night because I wasn't tired because I was worried.
I still haven't heard from him... It's getting close to being 12 hours since I heard from him. I don't want to blow his phone up... If I were in the hospital and I were really fucked up, I would probably want some rest and some peace and quiet. But damn I wish I knew what was going on. Because I'm really worried about him.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Joyce Meyer's Words of Wisdom
This morning after work, I came home with my Dunkin Donuts coffee and had a seat on my couch to watch Joyce Meyer's message. This morning, she spoke about faithfulness. About how God changes you and things in your life little by little. God is not a fast food resturant. He takes his time with each one of us. She made excellent points -- we hear about Jesus when he's born, but not again until he's 12. And what does the Bible say he did? He grew. Then after the one story when he was 12? Not again until 30. We hear about John the Baptist, who spent 25 years in the desert. And what happened in that 25 years? We have no idea. But after 25 years, John the Baptist came out a changed man. It took God 25 years to make the change needed. And the lesson that dove-tailed in with this is the fact that you have to be faithful over the time in order for the change to occur. You have to do the right things over and over and over and over again. You can't just do them once and expect the change to be lasting or fulfilling or substantial.
Joyce's message was good for me to hear. There are many things that I started but have not been faithful with.
I have not been faithful to God. I started going to church, but have not been faithful in my Jesus Freak love. I have waivered. I keep coming back, and it keeps shining through. But I have not been as dedicated to God as I should have been.
I have not been faithful with my money. I have waivered from reducing my spending to make more payments on my credit card. I have not made regular deposits to my savings account as I said I would.
I have not been faithful with my cute apartment or amazing car. I have not kept them clean like I should have. I have become lazy.
I have not been faithful with my health. I have lapsed from eating healthy and exercising regularly. I have given way to slothful and gluttony ways. I have become lazy.
Joyce's message was what I needed to hear. I have, of late, become unhappy with all of the things I listed above. I didn't like the habits that I had slipped into, and have been wanting to change. But now I need to. I can't be unfaithful in any of these things. My physical and metaphysical self depend on it. On being faithful.
Here are some quotes/wisdoms from Joyce's message this morning:
"Give some, Save some"
"you keep your word and if for some reason you can't, you go and explain yourself."
"be committed to a standard of values; between your own heart and God"
"dont think your standards won't be tested, because they will be"
"to gain something you have to lose something. you know; like lose the attitude"
"everyones got a case of the "gimmes" - give me give me give me"
"even those in troubled relationships -- you want that other person to change. 'God, please change them,' you say. dont even worry about the other person. you need to ask God what you need to change."
"stop worrying about what God is doing with everybody else."
If you have not been exposed to Joyce Meyer, I highly recommend her. She's not your normal preacher. Her messages are relevant, easy to follow, and she has a great sense of humor. You will not be bored.
Joyce's message was good for me to hear. There are many things that I started but have not been faithful with.
I have not been faithful to God. I started going to church, but have not been faithful in my Jesus Freak love. I have waivered. I keep coming back, and it keeps shining through. But I have not been as dedicated to God as I should have been.
I have not been faithful with my money. I have waivered from reducing my spending to make more payments on my credit card. I have not made regular deposits to my savings account as I said I would.
I have not been faithful with my cute apartment or amazing car. I have not kept them clean like I should have. I have become lazy.
I have not been faithful with my health. I have lapsed from eating healthy and exercising regularly. I have given way to slothful and gluttony ways. I have become lazy.
Joyce's message was what I needed to hear. I have, of late, become unhappy with all of the things I listed above. I didn't like the habits that I had slipped into, and have been wanting to change. But now I need to. I can't be unfaithful in any of these things. My physical and metaphysical self depend on it. On being faithful.
Here are some quotes/wisdoms from Joyce's message this morning:
"Give some, Save some"
"you keep your word and if for some reason you can't, you go and explain yourself."
"be committed to a standard of values; between your own heart and God"
"dont think your standards won't be tested, because they will be"
"to gain something you have to lose something. you know; like lose the attitude"
"everyones got a case of the "gimmes" - give me give me give me"
"even those in troubled relationships -- you want that other person to change. 'God, please change them,' you say. dont even worry about the other person. you need to ask God what you need to change."
"stop worrying about what God is doing with everybody else."
If you have not been exposed to Joyce Meyer, I highly recommend her. She's not your normal preacher. Her messages are relevant, easy to follow, and she has a great sense of humor. You will not be bored.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Excellent Article
Here's an excelent article that stumbleupon.com sent me to! :) There is so much truth in this article that it's crazy. It explains everything so much better than I ever could....
http://www.stevenaitchison.co.uk/blog/2009/09/02/12-qualities-women-want-in-their-men/
http://www.stevenaitchison.co.uk/blog/2009/09/02/12-qualities-women-want-in-their-men/
Monday, December 13, 2010
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 30 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 30 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you...
1. I want a dog so badly, but I am afraid that I can't handle the financial responsibilities so I haven't gotten one yet.
2. I am one of those people who have to talk things out to make a decision
3. I love to crochet!
4. My favorite color (right now) is green -- because it's such a happy color!
5. I think that the Frank Sinatra era was so romantic... (Written as "The Man I Love" by Billie Holliday is playing on the iTunes! haha)
6. I wish I knew how to hunt
7. I shop for Christmas presents all year. It's kind of my favorite holiday ever.
8. I love candlelight
9. I love sunsets (sunrises are nice too; but I hate being up so early!)
10. I am developing wino tendencies
11. I dislike cleaning, but hate messiness/clutter/dirtiness
12. If I had to pick a favorite genre of music, it'd be country. Particularly: Josh Turner, Jason Aldean, Billy Currington, Garth Brooks, Darius Rucker, and Zac Brown Band.
13. I miss reading substantial books.
14. I miss having culture in the city I live in.
15. I love the way a man smells -- his cologne, deoderant, a little musky sweat, his soap... Rawr!
16. I have made so many mistakes in the past year and a half, but I don't regret any of them -- I've learned so much and know that I'll be a better girl friend, wife, friend, and mother because of it.
17. I hate being so far away from my family.
18. My boobs are no longer my best asset-- my ass is! haha
19. I stay up too late too often for my own good
20. I haven't had good sex since November of last year. I've had sex since then, but not good sex.
21.
1. I want a dog so badly, but I am afraid that I can't handle the financial responsibilities so I haven't gotten one yet.
2. I am one of those people who have to talk things out to make a decision
3. I love to crochet!
4. My favorite color (right now) is green -- because it's such a happy color!
5. I think that the Frank Sinatra era was so romantic... (Written as "The Man I Love" by Billie Holliday is playing on the iTunes! haha)
6. I wish I knew how to hunt
7. I shop for Christmas presents all year. It's kind of my favorite holiday ever.
8. I love candlelight
9. I love sunsets (sunrises are nice too; but I hate being up so early!)
10. I am developing wino tendencies
11. I dislike cleaning, but hate messiness/clutter/dirtiness
12. If I had to pick a favorite genre of music, it'd be country. Particularly: Josh Turner, Jason Aldean, Billy Currington, Garth Brooks, Darius Rucker, and Zac Brown Band.
13. I miss reading substantial books.
14. I miss having culture in the city I live in.
15. I love the way a man smells -- his cologne, deoderant, a little musky sweat, his soap... Rawr!
16. I have made so many mistakes in the past year and a half, but I don't regret any of them -- I've learned so much and know that I'll be a better girl friend, wife, friend, and mother because of it.
17. I hate being so far away from my family.
18. My boobs are no longer my best asset-- my ass is! haha
19. I stay up too late too often for my own good
20. I haven't had good sex since November of last year. I've had sex since then, but not good sex.
21.
I Am So Impressed
Today I have been seriously impressed by Boy B.
I woke up a little peeved at him for not texting me last night (petty, I know). And didn't hear from him until about 730pm. I had gone to Jacksonville with Kat for a movie and some shopping (and I totally found two pair of super hot black boots that I bought!! Woot!), so was heading home when he texted me.
So I get home and we start skyping. And I mention that I don't have to work until Monday night, and that I didn't know what I was going to do with myself with so much free time! And he made the joke about coming to see him. Which had actually crossed my mind pretty seriously on the ride home from Jacksonville. And I told him that.
He, of course, got really excited about the possibility. But I was doubtful about whether or not I should go... I mean, I want to, but I was worried that it might be moving a little too fast. He played the "If you want to come, come on. But it's okay if you don't want to" card. Which didn't help at all.
So I was debating this for about two hours. At 11pm, I was like screw it. I'm going to go. So I'm in my room skyping and packing. I paused to think for a moment and Boy B said something that seriously impressed me: "Maybe you shouldn't come. Ugh! That's only 1/4 of me." I said "What do you mean?"
Bryan: "I mean that 3/4 of me is screaming for you to come, but that 1/4 of me is scared that if you come it'd be moving to fast for you and I really don't want to mess this up with you."
I was so surprised. Impressed. Touched. This guy really seems to care.
Haha. He was so cute. After he said this, his face got all sad. And he kept hitting himself in the head jokingly saying "Why didn't I just shut up?" And he made the comment before we hung up (his neighbor was heading over) "You should be in a car right now..." And I said: "We want me to be in a car right now, but that doesn't mean I should be in a car right now..." And he said "Yeah, you're right."
I just couldn't believe that he did the right thing. I've never had a guy do that before.
I really think this one's going to be different... I hope this one's different...
And I'll close this post with a couple songs. Brad's song is a classic that just kind of on my mind (I want a guy who feels like that about me)
And this is Billy Currington's new song that I am so in love with right now (and might apply to Boy B???):
I woke up a little peeved at him for not texting me last night (petty, I know). And didn't hear from him until about 730pm. I had gone to Jacksonville with Kat for a movie and some shopping (and I totally found two pair of super hot black boots that I bought!! Woot!), so was heading home when he texted me.
So I get home and we start skyping. And I mention that I don't have to work until Monday night, and that I didn't know what I was going to do with myself with so much free time! And he made the joke about coming to see him. Which had actually crossed my mind pretty seriously on the ride home from Jacksonville. And I told him that.
He, of course, got really excited about the possibility. But I was doubtful about whether or not I should go... I mean, I want to, but I was worried that it might be moving a little too fast. He played the "If you want to come, come on. But it's okay if you don't want to" card. Which didn't help at all.
So I was debating this for about two hours. At 11pm, I was like screw it. I'm going to go. So I'm in my room skyping and packing. I paused to think for a moment and Boy B said something that seriously impressed me: "Maybe you shouldn't come. Ugh! That's only 1/4 of me." I said "What do you mean?"
Bryan: "I mean that 3/4 of me is screaming for you to come, but that 1/4 of me is scared that if you come it'd be moving to fast for you and I really don't want to mess this up with you."
I was so surprised. Impressed. Touched. This guy really seems to care.
Haha. He was so cute. After he said this, his face got all sad. And he kept hitting himself in the head jokingly saying "Why didn't I just shut up?" And he made the comment before we hung up (his neighbor was heading over) "You should be in a car right now..." And I said: "We want me to be in a car right now, but that doesn't mean I should be in a car right now..." And he said "Yeah, you're right."
I just couldn't believe that he did the right thing. I've never had a guy do that before.
I really think this one's going to be different... I hope this one's different...
And I'll close this post with a couple songs. Brad's song is a classic that just kind of on my mind (I want a guy who feels like that about me)
And this is Billy Currington's new song that I am so in love with right now (and might apply to Boy B???):
Long Distance
Can Long Distance work? Do I want to get into a Long Distance relationship?
Last night I had a little reminder of what LDR's are like. I might have even gotten a taste of how Joey felt when I went to ECU and went out and partied. It's not so much that I'm mad or that my feelings were incredibly hurt by last night (only slightly maimed), but I was so lonely without him there to talk to.
I didn't have a problem with him going out. I was actually pretty jealous. But there was a little voice in the back of my head: "Blair, when you met him, he didn't act like he was in a relationship and he was. He flirted shamelessly with you and pursued you. Would he do the same to me? Be in a relationship with me but flirting shamelessly with other girls? Pursuing them?" For some reason, I really trust this guy. And I know he wouldn't cheat. But if he has a pattern of behavior like that... I just don't know if I'm okay with this developing.
He did have the manners to text me and let me know he was going out, and asked if we could text. I said sure. Well, I believe he got caught up in the party because I didn't get a text back from him until 2:35am "I'm sorry... I kinda fucked that up." Like what am I suppossed to say to that?
I had an absolutely awful day at work yesterday. And I wanted to tell him about it. But he went out. So I was left with Mom to call. It made me sad that he wasn't there to talk to about my day.
Yes, I'm kinda mad that I had an awful day and he wasn't there to talk to about it. Yes, I'm kinda mad that he didn't even drunk text me. Yes, I'm kinda worried that he did what I'm scared he'd do: flirt shamelessly with other girls. Yes, I've kind of pulled away from him in a natural defensive reaction to these fears.
One of the things I listed as a desire for the next boyfriend was that he was close distance. So that I could see him regularly. Be with him regularly. And here I am getting involved with someone who is no less than 5.5 hours away from me.
Can this LDR work? Do I want a LDR?
Last night I had a little reminder of what LDR's are like. I might have even gotten a taste of how Joey felt when I went to ECU and went out and partied. It's not so much that I'm mad or that my feelings were incredibly hurt by last night (only slightly maimed), but I was so lonely without him there to talk to.
I didn't have a problem with him going out. I was actually pretty jealous. But there was a little voice in the back of my head: "Blair, when you met him, he didn't act like he was in a relationship and he was. He flirted shamelessly with you and pursued you. Would he do the same to me? Be in a relationship with me but flirting shamelessly with other girls? Pursuing them?" For some reason, I really trust this guy. And I know he wouldn't cheat. But if he has a pattern of behavior like that... I just don't know if I'm okay with this developing.
He did have the manners to text me and let me know he was going out, and asked if we could text. I said sure. Well, I believe he got caught up in the party because I didn't get a text back from him until 2:35am "I'm sorry... I kinda fucked that up." Like what am I suppossed to say to that?
I had an absolutely awful day at work yesterday. And I wanted to tell him about it. But he went out. So I was left with Mom to call. It made me sad that he wasn't there to talk to about my day.
Yes, I'm kinda mad that I had an awful day and he wasn't there to talk to about it. Yes, I'm kinda mad that he didn't even drunk text me. Yes, I'm kinda worried that he did what I'm scared he'd do: flirt shamelessly with other girls. Yes, I've kind of pulled away from him in a natural defensive reaction to these fears.
One of the things I listed as a desire for the next boyfriend was that he was close distance. So that I could see him regularly. Be with him regularly. And here I am getting involved with someone who is no less than 5.5 hours away from me.
Can this LDR work? Do I want a LDR?
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Why Do I Have to Ask Permission to Date?
Well, things have once again taken a turn. Sheryl Crow's song "Everyday Is a Winding Road" is so true...
The past twenty four hours have been wraught with drama.
Last night Boy B and I were skyping and it just kind of hit me -- this guy is going to be something special in my life. Whether that's as an incredible friend and influence or as a boyfriend. In some way, this guy is going to have a pretty big impact on my life. And I knew that I needed to be honest with K about what was going on. So I texted her to let her know that Boy B had asked me out (they went to high school together and is how we met). Well, K went crazy.
She called me and went on for 30 minutes hysterically about how I was a crazy fool to be interested in him and that he would ruin my life. Well, the concerned friend part only lasted about 10 minutes. The rest was about how this would ruin her life.
When two of your friends decide to pursue each other, there's that natural anxiety that at some point they will break up and you would be caught in the middle of the pain, the drama, etc.
But K took it to a whole 'nother level. Talking about how if we dated and broke up she would have to deal with the mess from both of us, which would distract her from her internship and would put her future in jeopardy.
I just couldn't believe how selfish it all became. That she made it about her when it really had nothing to do with her. And that the only reason I was involving her to let her know what was going on was out of respect for her, because I didn't want her to hear it from him instead of me, and I didn't want it to come out at her Christmas party as he'd planned.
Once I passed out, she apparently called Boy B and they had it out. And I woke up to five messages in my facebook inbox from her -- starting hysterically and ending meekly.
It was just overwhelming all of the drama. It hurt my feelings that she was so selfish about it. I understand her fear, but it's my life. I'm an adult and break ups aren't super traumatic anymore -- it's honest, compassionate, and proper. I was just so surprised that she was doing the exact same thing to me that her friends do to her (which leaves her pinned in and miserable): micromanaging my life.
::sigh::
We talked on facebook chat today and she seemed much calmer about it, and we seemed good. I don't think she supports the idea of Boy B and I dating, but I think she realizes that it's our lives and that all she can do is hope it goes well (which is still pessimistic). All three of us understand where the other two stand, but we're caught on this tightrope of figuring it all out right now.
But yes... Boy B and I are just friends right now. Building the foundation of friendship and seeing where it goes from there. No plans. No plots. Just chill conversation.
I will say, however, that right now, things with him are looking very promising!!
If I can talk to a guy for 6 hours at a time without getting bored... I think that says a lot. Not to mention how respectful he's been of me and my requests so far.
So that was one part of the drama.
Then today, Mom hit me with more drama. Long story short, she called me and asked for Nanny and Papa's phone number. I told her I didn't feel comfortable getting into the middle of that and that I'd given her their number three times before. So she said she'd call information and hung up on me.
About ten minutes later she calls me back and is hysterical. She asks me about a situation that happened 2 years ago. She asks if I remember who called who. Which I didn't. She asks if I remember what she said, which I didn't. At which she lost it -- saying "You have to remember this! So that if a [ ] asks or if the [ ] ask, you have an answer" and proceeded to try and tell me what happened. I stopped her. "Mom, I love you, but I can't lie and say I remember something that I don't. It's not ethical for you to try and convince me that I remember something that I don't." To which she hung up on me.
I feel terrible that I can't remember. But I can't lie for her to villianize my father. I don't like being put in the middle. She claims over and over that she doesn't want to put me in the middle but when I point out that she's crossing the line she blows up. I am so conflicted on what to do. I don't want my mother to be in trouble. But at the same time, she knew she had this bill to deal with and has been running from it instead of working to deal with it. I love her, I want to help her, but to lie?? I just don't think I can do this... ::sigh::
And yes, I'm mad that she's putting me in this position. But what else could she do? I don't know what to do...
The past twenty four hours have been wraught with drama.
Last night Boy B and I were skyping and it just kind of hit me -- this guy is going to be something special in my life. Whether that's as an incredible friend and influence or as a boyfriend. In some way, this guy is going to have a pretty big impact on my life. And I knew that I needed to be honest with K about what was going on. So I texted her to let her know that Boy B had asked me out (they went to high school together and is how we met). Well, K went crazy.
She called me and went on for 30 minutes hysterically about how I was a crazy fool to be interested in him and that he would ruin my life. Well, the concerned friend part only lasted about 10 minutes. The rest was about how this would ruin her life.
When two of your friends decide to pursue each other, there's that natural anxiety that at some point they will break up and you would be caught in the middle of the pain, the drama, etc.
But K took it to a whole 'nother level. Talking about how if we dated and broke up she would have to deal with the mess from both of us, which would distract her from her internship and would put her future in jeopardy.
I just couldn't believe how selfish it all became. That she made it about her when it really had nothing to do with her. And that the only reason I was involving her to let her know what was going on was out of respect for her, because I didn't want her to hear it from him instead of me, and I didn't want it to come out at her Christmas party as he'd planned.
Once I passed out, she apparently called Boy B and they had it out. And I woke up to five messages in my facebook inbox from her -- starting hysterically and ending meekly.
It was just overwhelming all of the drama. It hurt my feelings that she was so selfish about it. I understand her fear, but it's my life. I'm an adult and break ups aren't super traumatic anymore -- it's honest, compassionate, and proper. I was just so surprised that she was doing the exact same thing to me that her friends do to her (which leaves her pinned in and miserable): micromanaging my life.
::sigh::
We talked on facebook chat today and she seemed much calmer about it, and we seemed good. I don't think she supports the idea of Boy B and I dating, but I think she realizes that it's our lives and that all she can do is hope it goes well (which is still pessimistic). All three of us understand where the other two stand, but we're caught on this tightrope of figuring it all out right now.
But yes... Boy B and I are just friends right now. Building the foundation of friendship and seeing where it goes from there. No plans. No plots. Just chill conversation.
I will say, however, that right now, things with him are looking very promising!!
If I can talk to a guy for 6 hours at a time without getting bored... I think that says a lot. Not to mention how respectful he's been of me and my requests so far.
So that was one part of the drama.
Then today, Mom hit me with more drama. Long story short, she called me and asked for Nanny and Papa's phone number. I told her I didn't feel comfortable getting into the middle of that and that I'd given her their number three times before. So she said she'd call information and hung up on me.
About ten minutes later she calls me back and is hysterical. She asks me about a situation that happened 2 years ago. She asks if I remember who called who. Which I didn't. She asks if I remember what she said, which I didn't. At which she lost it -- saying "You have to remember this! So that if a [ ] asks or if the [ ] ask, you have an answer" and proceeded to try and tell me what happened. I stopped her. "Mom, I love you, but I can't lie and say I remember something that I don't. It's not ethical for you to try and convince me that I remember something that I don't." To which she hung up on me.
I feel terrible that I can't remember. But I can't lie for her to villianize my father. I don't like being put in the middle. She claims over and over that she doesn't want to put me in the middle but when I point out that she's crossing the line she blows up. I am so conflicted on what to do. I don't want my mother to be in trouble. But at the same time, she knew she had this bill to deal with and has been running from it instead of working to deal with it. I love her, I want to help her, but to lie?? I just don't think I can do this... ::sigh::
And yes, I'm mad that she's putting me in this position. But what else could she do? I don't know what to do...
Sunday, December 5, 2010
All Good Things
This past weekend, I spent it in Fayetteville visiting Josh. Josh was very excited for me to come visit him, and I wasn't. My heart wasn't in it, but I wanted to give it one more shot.
It was such a horrible weekend...
We went from almost no physical contact to making out for hours and him pushing for more. Total turn off.
His style of cuddling? Smothering. I like to cuddle, but he wanted every inch of our bodies touching and it was just too much for me.
Thursday night, we're laying in bed half naked, and all of a sudden he's talking about his ex. I literally said "Why are you talking about her? You have a half naked woman in your bed." Like really... what the fuck??
He kept using extreme adjectives to describe the most benign things -- how he hated fruit or how he hated the drivers in Fayetteville. It just reminded me too much of Aaron, who used the same negative attitudes and it eventually came to describe me and belittle me. Major red flag. I want someone who is tolerant, even keel, and calm!
He took me as his date to his Unit's Christmas Party. I was expecting an adult cocktail hour. It was a family Christmas party primarily for the kids (Santa was coming). We get there, and he introduces me to three or four people and we get in line for dinner. Once we have our plates, we go into the dining room. He takes one look around and turns around and walks away. We ended up eating alone in another room. When I asked why, he said he just wasn't interested in meeting people or socializing or making friends. I couldn't believe this. I am not a social animal, but I also don't want to be a recluse.
He didn't want to go out or do anything all weekend. Aside from the Christmas party, all we did was sit on his air mattress and watch netflix.
He asked me what kind of bed I liked to sleep on so that when he goes to purchase one, he gets one that will make me feel comfortable. Sweet, but totally out of line. We weren't even in a relationship!!! That's something you ask when you're pretty seriously dating.
He couldn't decide whether or not he wanted to re-enlist or get a job.... He kept asking me my opinion and what to do and all that. There's nothing wrong with asking someones opinion, but I need a man who knows what he wants to do. Who has dreams -- he said he didn't care what job he had. He said he'd be fine working at McDonalds. Major red flag.
All in all, it was all just entirely too overwhelming. He wants a relationship. And I don't feel it.
So I had to end it with him tonight...
And it sucked. I don't ever want to hurt someone or let someone down. But I would rather be honest than lie to him. He took it well. He didn't seem mad or upset or hurt. He appreciated the honesty. But I was still shaken. This was the first guy with whom I ended it. I'm still sad that another possibility has ended in burning flames.
But as the saying goes: All good things must come to an end.
It was such a horrible weekend...
We went from almost no physical contact to making out for hours and him pushing for more. Total turn off.
His style of cuddling? Smothering. I like to cuddle, but he wanted every inch of our bodies touching and it was just too much for me.
Thursday night, we're laying in bed half naked, and all of a sudden he's talking about his ex. I literally said "Why are you talking about her? You have a half naked woman in your bed." Like really... what the fuck??
He kept using extreme adjectives to describe the most benign things -- how he hated fruit or how he hated the drivers in Fayetteville. It just reminded me too much of Aaron, who used the same negative attitudes and it eventually came to describe me and belittle me. Major red flag. I want someone who is tolerant, even keel, and calm!
He took me as his date to his Unit's Christmas Party. I was expecting an adult cocktail hour. It was a family Christmas party primarily for the kids (Santa was coming). We get there, and he introduces me to three or four people and we get in line for dinner. Once we have our plates, we go into the dining room. He takes one look around and turns around and walks away. We ended up eating alone in another room. When I asked why, he said he just wasn't interested in meeting people or socializing or making friends. I couldn't believe this. I am not a social animal, but I also don't want to be a recluse.
He didn't want to go out or do anything all weekend. Aside from the Christmas party, all we did was sit on his air mattress and watch netflix.
He asked me what kind of bed I liked to sleep on so that when he goes to purchase one, he gets one that will make me feel comfortable. Sweet, but totally out of line. We weren't even in a relationship!!! That's something you ask when you're pretty seriously dating.
He couldn't decide whether or not he wanted to re-enlist or get a job.... He kept asking me my opinion and what to do and all that. There's nothing wrong with asking someones opinion, but I need a man who knows what he wants to do. Who has dreams -- he said he didn't care what job he had. He said he'd be fine working at McDonalds. Major red flag.
All in all, it was all just entirely too overwhelming. He wants a relationship. And I don't feel it.
So I had to end it with him tonight...
And it sucked. I don't ever want to hurt someone or let someone down. But I would rather be honest than lie to him. He took it well. He didn't seem mad or upset or hurt. He appreciated the honesty. But I was still shaken. This was the first guy with whom I ended it. I'm still sad that another possibility has ended in burning flames.
But as the saying goes: All good things must come to an end.
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