Comfort Zone

I really have no idea why, but this year, as 2015 comes to a close and 2016 rises on the horizon, I can NOT get enough dreaming... Dreaming about just how different 2016 is going to be, and how I really failed at 2015...

2015 was a year where I was determined to stay in my comfort zone.  

And 2016 is already all about me leaving my comfort zone.

Which really makes me excited.  I can't stop imagining what I can accomplish in 2016 with this mindset.  

I'm going to start 2016 with a vision board... Will post pictures later!

2016

It's hard for me to believe that 2015 is already coming to a close.  Just a couple more days and we will ring in a new year.  There's something about 2016 that has me buzzing.  That has me really excited.  It is going to be a BIG year for me.  I just know that it is.  Big changes.  Big dreams.  Big trips.

To begin with, I am finally going to do something I've been too scared to do for too long.  I'm going to start a little business, where I sell the things I make.  I've always been a crafty person, and it's ridiculous that I haven't tried to take these skills and interests to the next level for a little extra spending money.  So I have begun the process -- I've purchased business cards, I've begun researching products that sell, and I have a business call tomorrow evening with a successful online entrepreneur who will help give me some direction on navigating the policies, shipping, and set up of my online shop.  I'm actually really excited about this business venture.  Even if I don't make a ton of money, it will be fun an exciting to even start!

I am also starting a new job in the new year.  After a year and a half of commuting 1 hour each way, I will finally have local employment.  It's not in my field, but I am 100% totally at peace with this change, and am looking forward to how it will grow me.  As a result of the fact that the employment will be local, I'm really looking forward to actually being able to become invested in my community.  Getting involved.  Having a social life.  Being able to get on a schedule where I can workout, clean, and enjoy life a little bit more!

We are also making HUGE strides in our lifestyle.  We have already cut out a ton of crap from our diet, and are already seeing major results.  So we know that this will only continue with more success in the new year!  I am so excited to feel better, be healthier, and be more confident.

I also have several events in the first half of the year that I am really looking forward to.  Two women's conferences (which are always such a boost to my spiritual life), an awesome Broadway play (LION KING!!!), and a big big trip to Las Vegas with one of my girlfriends.

Then, in the middle of the summer, I will become an aunt!!  I'm already buzzing about what I want to make for my first niece or nephew (I'm thinking nephew)... So many options!

And then, towards the end of the year, we have hopes and prayers that another dream will come to fruition.  But there's no telling about that... That's up to the good Lord and His timing.

So yeah... 2016 already is going to be huge for me.  And I'm so excited about all of it!  So ready!

What a Christmas Season...

My Dad came and visited for an extended weekend just after my birthday, which was really nice. He got to see the house for the first time, and we had a great time spending some time together and enjoying some of our favorite small town activities (like a living drive through nativity at one of the country churches).

Shortly after Dad left, I came down with a serious bug. I'm beginning to believe that my body thinks that Christmas is the perfect time to get sick, because I'm pretty sure this is the third year in a row that I've been sick on Christmas.  As a result, I missed ALL of the Hineses Christmas gatherings/events, which was a huge disappointment.

But it only got worse.  I got sicker and sicker until I finally had to throw in the towel, call out sick over my assigned weekend to work (which I have never done before), and went to urgent care. Two hours later, I left with a prescription for prednisone, an antibiotic, and codine syrup.  Two days later I'm feeling better (the sinus pressure is down, I can actually hear out of my ears, and I don't push tears out of my eyes every time I try to blow my nose), but definitely still not at 100%.  Just folding my laundry and making the bed left me sweating.  But I'm going to head into work this afternoon, simply because I feel terrible for not being there.

Despite the fact that I missed a lot of the Christmas festivities and have been sick as a dog, I can't help but have a heart that is overflowing with gratitude.  Gratitude for the generosity of our friends and families with their gifts (hello new Shark vacuum and some significant cash that will allow us to get the stumps in the back yard ground down to eventually make way for a fence for Cooper). I'm overwhelmed by the biggest gift of all, the biggest sacrifice of all -- Jesus.  A child born King.  King of the world, king of hearts, our savior.  What a gift he is...

A Little Something Nice

I spend my entire week wearing scrubs and workout clothing. So on the weeks where I get to go to church, I really enjoy dressing up.  Showing up to Gods House in style. Giving him special treatment in how I present myself in his House.  I don't always dress up.  But I thoroughly enjoy it when I do!  When I dress up, I put on full make up, heels and a dress, curl my hair, spritz on perfume, and donn fancy jewelry that my family or husband have given me.  And in my fancy clothes, I almost always feel a bit out of place.  People my age don't dress up.  I'm almost always over dressed.  And I think that's a pure shame.  That my generation doesn't take advantage of special occasions or of Sunday's to pull out finer clothing.

God doesn't care what you wear. I know this. And many Sundays I'm glad for it -- when I show up in my jeans and t-shirts. But there is something about looking nice that changes how you carry yourself, how you respect yourself, and thus how you treat others.

I wish more of my generation would dress up and embrace "fancy."

Who Is on the Throne of your Heart?

I've gotten to the point where I'm okay about going to church alone, without my husband, when he's working.  At first I hated going alone.  I hated that I didn't have anyone "with" me.  But I got to looking around one service, and realized just how many women were there on their own.  So this morning, I went to church. Alone.  And it was a good thing I did.  The sermon was relatively short and straight forward, only two scripture references.  But Pastor Aaron said something at the end of the sermon that really rocked me.

We all worship at the throne of some system.  But the problem is that many times Jesus isn't on that throne.  It doesn't matter if you've been saved for a month or for thirty years -- it's a daily decision to put Jesus on your throne.

You could have knocked me over with a feather.  Was this some grand revelation? Not really. But boy was it a grand conviction on my heart.

Immediately after this point, Pastor Aaron took us into a time of prayer. Asking us to let God reveal to us what was on our hearts, asking us to let God reveal who was truly on our throne.  And the tears rolled -- big fat tears down the sides of my face. Jesus nor God had been on my throne for some time. And I hadn't even realized it. My husband was on the throne. The To Do List was on the throne. The Christmas Presents were on the throne. The Budget and getting out of debt was on the throne. The negativity of my surroundings was on the throne.  And during those few moments, God helped me take them off the throne.  To clear the seat for the King.

How quickly our priorities shift.  And how sneakily they shift - with us barely realizing it.

The sermon was awesome.  I highly recommend that you watch the service. Even When It Hurts is the title of the series, and this week was part 4 of the series, which will be posted early this week. http://opendoor.church/media/

25 “All this I have spoken while still with you. 26 But the Advocate, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you. 27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. John 14: 25-27

I love those quiet moments that I get between getting ready for work and having to leave for work.  I usually find myself with an odd 3-10 minutes of time in the morning, and they are usually my quietest of the day.  Daniel is either at work already or napping in his recliner.  The TV is off.  And the world is waking up.  It is just so peaceful and nice.

Day Off

Glory be! It's my day off! A "comp day" for working the weekend.  A weekday off.  A day that my husband also has off.  Glory glory glory!!

And it was a glorious day.  A neighborhood run.  A couples trip to Walmart (we went for $25 worth of stuff and left with $70 worth of stuff).  Disney movie time -- Daniel chose Frozen, which basically turned into a sing along.  Gardening -- we finally got the perennials planted that I bought a week ago off the Lowe's Last Chance Sale Rack, and found a few ant colonies in the process.  We washed my car.  I finished a no sew quilting art board project and hung it in my sewing room (first piece of "art" hung in the whole house!). And now, I'm enjoying some quiet time on the couch as it rains outside.  My heart is so full -- having spent my day productively, doing things that I love and that are meaningful to me.  I just know those new plants are drinking this rain up and my back yard paradise is just going to continue growing and becoming more and more my haven in times of trouble and stress.

I have so many other projects I want to accomplish today.  I have grades I need to report.  I have multiple quilt projects to begin and one important one to finish (the wedding quilt).  I have a book that I've been neglecting for too long.  I have Bible Study that needs to get done.  I have prep work for class.  I have laundry to do.  I have laundry detergent to make (seriously -- I've fallen in love with the homemade laundry detergent! So cheap and so much more effective!). I have a shower to scrub. Vacuuming to do.

But for now, I am completely content to just let my heart overflow with gratitude for this day and all that was able to be accomplished.

The Yard

Yesterday when I got home from work, the hubster had already headed off to his job and I found myself at home alone.  My normal Thursday night workout with some girlfriends got cancelled, and suddenly I had a lot of free time and no plans for that time (very rare for this busy body who always has to be doing, planning, or working on something).  It was a beautiful, warm, low humidity summer day in Eastern NC (even more rare than me not having plans!), so I dropped my purse in the house, changed into comfy clothes, grabbed a hat, and headed out to the back yard to my mini portable hammock (this is what you use until you can save up the money for the real deal).

I spent 45 minutes in that hammock yesterday.  I'd taken some magazines to read, but found myself uninterested in them so I set them aside.  Instead, I spent that time sitting, swinging, breathing deep breaths of fresh air.  I spent that time detoxing from the past few weeks, that have worked my heart and my emotions up into knots of frustration, stress, irritation, and a total sense of being overwhelmed.  I took in my back yard.  Which yesterday, was a paradise.  Green grass.  So many beautiful plants and flowers (thank you previous owners for having a positive sense of landscaping in the back yard -- I'll forgive you for totally screwing up the front flower beds as a result).  Birds chirping -- so many birds!  I took in a hummingbird in the back yard feeding off some flowers (time to buy a hummingbird feeder!!! Love those little birds).  I took in even the loud buzzing of bees -- a glorious sound in the days of reduced bee population.  I took in the gentle breeze.  And slowly, the knots around my heart started melting away.

For the first time in weeks, I felt relaxed and normal.  And not just normal, I felt inspired!  Inspired to work on the lawn and tackle that front flower bed that the previous owners jacked up so badly.  So off I went to Lowe's, where I raided the last chance rack (seriously! How did I not know this existed before?! AMAZING!) and nabbed a 50% off rose bush.  I grabbed my gardening gloves and all my gardening tools once home and went to work on that flower bed.  I pulled up weeds.  I pulled up ground cover plants -- seriously.  Juniper is TERRIBLE.  I pulled up clover.  And then, I pulled up a wolf spider.  A large wolf spider.  "Nope!  I'm done!" was my reaction and I went inside.  Shiver.  I hate big spiders.  And I hate fuzzy ones even worse.

Oh the Anxiety

Here of late, I have really noticed that I am on edge.  Well, not really on edge.  Just stressed out.  Worried about x,y, and z and that I won't have enough time to accomplish what I want to accomplish.

Stressed with the demands I am facing at work... Both jobs actually.  I thoroughly enjoy what I do, but I don't enjoy the stress that comes with it.

Stressed with getting the house settled.  Seriously.  It's like a never ending slow moving avalanche of stuff.  I seriously don't know where this is all coming from or where we're going to put it all to make and part of sense.

Stressed with getting the day to day chores done.  I'm so side tracked with everything else that needs doing that the daily chores are falling further and further behind.  The kitchen sink is ridiculous right now.

Stressed with finding ways to squeeze in workouts between jobs and chores.

Stressed with trying to find quality time to spend with my husband.  Our time together is getting shorter and shorter it seems...  Not really. It's the same it has been since he's moved over to shift work.  But maybe I'm busier so it seems less.  I've seen him for a total of about 20mins each day for the last three days.  I may be a hoarder when it comes to time with my hubby, but that doesn't cut it for me.

It's all the little things that are building up.  Adding up.  Creating a small mountain.  Weighing my spirits down and leaving me feeling quite overwhelmed.  It didn't occur to me that part of my troubles is a lack of rest.  Not until this evening. I had been talking to my friend Chrissy about my stress and she said to come over.  So this afternoon after work I went over.  And I sat down.  Truly sat down.  Not a sit-down-and-continue-working-on-something.  A sit-down-and-do-nothing.  It's been a while since I've done that.  And it dawned on me that I'm not doing enough of it.

Suddenly the big things were smaller.  Everything could wait.  And I didn't want to move.  It was glorious.  In that moment, I realized that I needed more quiet time, more God time, in my life.  And that when things calm down a bit and my responsibilities decrease a bit, I need to be more careful about what I commit myself to time wise in the future.

I used to handle a crazy busy schedule with ease.  But as I'm experiencing now, I was always stressed, frequently ill, nearly never available for my friends/family, and just barely getting by.  It was not a healthy way for me to live.  And I can't keep that lifestyle up.  It's just not right for me anymore.

So I'm looking forward to some changes in my life.  Changing where I spend my time.  How I spend my time.  With whom I spend my time.  I just have to get through this season first!

Stream of Consciousness

The quiet hum of the AC unit outside the window is comforting -- a little white noise to go behind the lilting melodies of the Pandora Nature station that's playing softly from my night stand.  The soft glow of my lamp casts a comfortable atmosphere on the room, a room that when fully lit is actually more like chaos, as you can truly see all the boxes and piles of clothes and toiletries and socks and things that still have yet to find a home.  But in the soft glow of my quiet lamp, those things somehow seem smaller, practically non-existant.  I'm not complaining about the change in attitude.  From demanding my attention to patiently waiting for their turn.

My To Do list grows as I lay in bed.  My brain refusing to enter power save mode to make way for sleep.  Too much to do, it has decided.  Don't forget this... Don't forget that... I jot them down on my reminders just to appease my OCD brain, praying that it will quiet it's noise.  Because the white noise of the AC unit and the Pandora Nature station is only just now starting to make any impact.

Every now and then, blips of TV noise make its way down the hallway and under the door to my ears.  The husband is enjoying his newly delivered man chair and TV and a cold beer before bed. Nothing like a night cap and a motorcycle TV show to unwind.

I lie here in bed, my heart singing with gratitude and praise to God.  For this day.  For his work in my life.  For his provision.  For his blessings. How great is our God?!

Finally... The eyes are getting heavy.  The AC shuts off.  The lilting piano melody continues to hypnotize me away from the world and my own brain and into dream land...

What a whirlwind these last few weeks have been... It's been a race to find a house and buy a house before our loan rates expired.  And I'm pleased to report that we made the deadline :)  As I write this post, I am sitting in my bed in my new house, marveling in what we have done and what God has done for us.  I'm so exhausted that I can't sleep, so I blog...

I have roots, for the first time in 10 years. Literally.  12 moves in 10 years.  And for the first time since I graduated high school, I have roots.  That's so huge.

For the first time in 10 years I am not a migrant, going where the work/school is.  I'm not a wanderer.  I'm not a gypsy.  I'm not living in question as to how much longer it will be before I have to move again.  My life suddenly became more concrete.  More permanent.  Less temporary.  Less "keep my finger in the hole of the damn."

And suddenly, I'm dying to have local employment.  Suddenly, the 50 minute commute is bothersome.  Suddenly, I'm noticing what my work environment is really like.  Suddenly, I'm questioning why I stayed so long.  The blinders have come off.

So now the job hunt begins... For something more local, more convenient, to create roots to match the roots of my home.

Pause from Packing

We come closer and closer every day to finally closing on our first home.  It's a rat race to cross all the t's and dot all the i's and get everything in line and ready on the business end.  Heck, not just the business end.  It's a rat race getting everything done for this!!  I have been packing a little bit every day for a week now.  And I still feel like there's so much more that needs to be packed!  Yet the progress is slow because we're still living here.  I don't want to live out of a suitcase but so much. By the same token, I also don't want to be scrambling but so much on moving day!  LoL.

Regardless of how crazy and confusing this is, my excitement is undeniable.  My gratitude to God for making this path available to us is unquestionable.

Now to find something else I can pack up...

Matthew 19

Today, the Supreme Court of the United States legalized gay marriage in all states of the nation.  My facebook blew up with love and happiness for the gays, everyone expressing excitement over the gays being given the right to marry.

I loved all the positivity.  How could anyone not love such an out pouring of love and happiness and excitement?!  But I was also very conflicted.

I know so very many people who are gay -- and I love them.  Each of them.  I do not agree with their lifestyle, I don't understand it.  But I love them regardless.  Because this is what my Heavenly Father does for me.  He loves me unconditionally even though I flub it up every single day, multiple times a day.  He knows my heart is pure and true, and that my faith is in Him.  So I pass along that grace, love, and forgiveness to those around me.  Even with people I don't "like" (our personalities are like oil and water), I still love and respect them as individuals.  I just recognize that that person and I aren't a good fit relationally.

So I'm happy that my gay friends are happy.  I don't want them or anyone to feel "less than" or "unloved" or "uncared for."

But my faith conflicts this ruling.  I didn't know that SCOTUS was ruling on gay marriage this week, this month, let alone today.  And just this morning, I was reading my Bible (like I try to do a few times a week) and was continuing my study in Matthew chapter 19...

(4)"Haven't you read," he replied, "that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female,' and said 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'? So they are no longer two, but one flesh.  Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate." (ending with verse 6)

God tells me that heterosexual marriage is his plan.  That homosexual marriage is man's plan for marriage.  But God also tells me not to love everyone.  So I will. I will continue to love "the gays".

I post this not to spread hate, because I don't hate.  I post this because it's confusing to me.  To help me sort through it all and come to a place where I feel like I have a stance and a position.

Jealous No More

I grew up in a pretty "normal" sized family.  In our house, it was just my parents, me, and my little sister (about a year and a half younger than me).  Occasionally we had the pet -- a rabbit for a while before my parents got over their fear of having an animal and kids, a dog, then a second dog, then two dogs and a cat (still hate that cat).  But it was really a normal sized family.  I was the oldest of the two children, and my sister and I were the only grand children on my Dad's side of the family (always have been, always will be at this point).

Growing up, I was always jealous of my little sister.  In middle school she developed such style and confidence - things I definitely didn't have.  She had the prettiest clothes (much prettier than mine because remember, I didn't develop style. Still not sure that I have! LoL).  She kept things in her room so organized and neat and pretty.  She learned how to do her make up (again, I still just stick to the basics) and her hair (she has such beautiful thick hair while mine was and still is so thin).  Mom always took her shopping and bought her stuff.  She got an iPod years before I did.  She got into pop music and rap music and was always up on what was new and cool.  She hung out with the popular kids in her grade at school.  In high school she was always going out, partying, living.  Meanwhile I was the nerdy sister who preferred to stay at home.  She was the apple of our mother's eye, and Mom doted (and still dotes) on her.  Anything Meghan wanted, Meghan got where my Mom was concerned.  And I didn't get that same doting love.  I got a hairdryer for my 16th birthday.  That was the most graciously received hair dryer in this worlds history.

Even in college, when I was excelling and growing and maturing and becoming the woman who led to who I am, and she was failing and floundering and stagnating and even back pedaling, I was still jealous of her.  Jealous of her confidence, style, things, the care-free attitude, her popularity, being considered the favorite.

It wasn't until this weekend that I realized just how ridiculous my jealousy has been.  I spent a weekend with my grandparents, and between my sweet and precious time with them and my time at church (where he preached on sins of the flesh, which include envy/jealousy), I realized that my jealousy was unfounded.  I was jealous of a girl who is my sister first and foremost.  Who I should be rooting for and encouraging, not looking at with the side eye.  And besides that, we are two totally different people, with two totally different experiences with life.

Then I looked a little more superficially at who I was jealous of versus who I am.  And doing so freed me of my jealousy.  Because I began realizing just how awesome I am.  I began recognizing what I have accomplished (two college degrees, a full scholarship, baptism and re-birth, purchasing a car, paying down my debt, investing for my future).  Where I am going in life.  What I am doing in life (a full time job in a field that I love to pieces, a part time job that is challenging me in all the good ways, we're buying a house).  Who I have in my life (GOD! a husband, a ton of loyal/deep/rich friendships, an extended in law family who have accepted me as a part of their family).  And those are things that she doesn't have.  I may not be super trendy in my wardrobe.  I may not be my mother's favorite.  But I am a dynamic, intelligent, kind, responsible, and grounded woman who is the daughter of the one true King (God) and I (just like all of his children) am his favorite.  And I love that about me.

Work.

Here of late, I have really been struggling at work.  Struggling to maintain a positive attitude when I am surrounded by stress, demands, and conflicting personalities, all of whom want help (from me and everyone else).  In the past, this has occurred but I was able to brush it off, work a little harder, stick really close to God, and get through it without being much worse for the wear.  But this time, I have not been successful in that same vein.  I have failed miserably, falling into my own negative and snappy attitude, feeling full of angst and annoyance.  I'm ashamed of my behavior.  Yet as much as I have tried to start each day fresh at work for the last two or three weeks, I haven't been able to overcome any of this.  It was so bad that I was hating work and was wondering if this was the sign I needed to begin seriously job hunting closer to home...

I wasn't able to get to church tonight (let's just say I got a little enthusiastic about completing laundry and decided to wash both of my bras simultaneously, rendering them wet and unavailable for church), so I was able to experience the live online streaming feature that they offer.  I'd never experienced church this way before, and I'll admit that it required me to police myself a bit more to avoid distractions (new window on the computer for facebook, phone, etc), but I was so grateful to have this option available.  Before church began, I just prayed and prayed that I would get some direction in the service/sermon for work.

And Pastor Greg did not disappoint.  Although his sermon wasn't directed at my work issues, the verses he pulled were appropriate.  Galatians 5:16-26 is the passage that he primarily drew from, discussing the fight of Spirit vs. Flesh and what is permissible/holy/acceptable and what is not.

This verse was certainly not foreign to me.  Many pastors pull this scripture when discussing improper behavior, namely to discuss and discourage pre-marital sex, adultery, violence, & alcohol/drunkenness.  But I had not really paid much attention to the other behaviors that Paul lists that are acts of the flesh: discord, fits of rage, dissensions, factions, envy, and selfish ambition.

Wow. I mean... This perfectly describes my workplace environment right now (discord, dissensions, factions, envy, and selfish ambition). Proof positive that the environment I'm finding myself in at work is bad, negative, not good, not Godly.  But these adjectives can also be applied to my own behavior/attitudes lately: fits of rage (complaining, asking my coworkers to let me "bitch" and "vent" for a moment), envy (why does she get a break and I don't??), selfish ambition (I shouldn't have to work later than her.  I shouldn't have to be stuck with her suckiest patients.).  And these behaviors I've engaged in have not exactly helped the atmosphere of discord...

Ghandi did always say that you have to be the change you wish to see in the (workplace).  Le sigh.
I really really really need an attitude adjustment now.  I really really really need to change my perspective and my approach.  I need to change the language that my heart is speaking these days.

Well Pastor Greg didn't leave me hanging...

17 For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! 18 So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever. - 2 Corinthians 4: 17-18

This is the language I should be speaking.  Does it suck to be in this situation at work where we are inundated with patients and seemingly always short staffed?  Absolutely.  But this will not last.  And if I respond to these troubles with God's language and God's way, the glory I bring to him and the peace I bring to the office will outweigh the troubles and will last longer.  Instead of focusing on my present "misery" (I use the quotation marks because although my work situation is miserable to me, it would probably be heaven to someone else much less fortunate than I), I need to shift my attention to God's will, God's way, God's needs, God's calling.  And God's calling for me right now is this profession.  I need to trust him in this.

33 I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.” - John 16:33

The Hunt - Is it Over?

In the last 9 years, I have moved 10 times.  Sometimes twice in one year.  There were only two years during the last 9 years (and they were non-consecutive two years) that I didn't have at least one move.   I haven't had true roots or a true home since I graduated high school and moved out of my childhood home.  Even in college where I returned home for the first two summers, my childhood home was crumbling emotionally and physically so even that didn't feel like home anymore.

Then I met Daniel, and home became less about a place but more about being with a person.  And for the last four years, being with him was home.  But now we are exiting the phase where that's "enough."  Now we are entering the phase where we are desperate for roots.  For a place of our own.  To settle.  To not just exist from place to place but to live and grow and love.

I am excited to announce that about a two months ago we began the ever frustrating and ever confusing process of house hunting.  I have lost track of how many houses we've viewed in person, and there are countless houses that we've considered online.  We put a bid on a foreclosure but lost the bid.  That was the first huge heart break.  Then a month after that, we put an offer on a house that was "okay" and "would do," and in hidsight we can identify that we did so because we felt totally defeated after hunting and hunting and hunting and not finding what we were wanting.  We felt like our expectations were too high so we felt like we had to settle.  So we did.  And the closer we got to closing on that house, the worse we felt about going through on the deal.  In our hearts we didn't feel like it was the right choice.  So in the 11th hour we decided to walk from that house.

We felt horrible for letting the sellers down and for having put them through everything only to walk away.  But it was what we had to do because it was what was right for us.  We couldn't buy a house just to make someone else feel better.  It was a very emotional decision, wrought with tears and sadness.  Heartbreak number two.

It was back to the hunt.  That afternoon we found out that we had less than a month to find another house before our loan expired.  Could we get another loan offer? Absolutely.  But it would come with a higher interest rate and we'd lose over $2,000 in discounts.  So it wasn't just back to the hunt.  It was a racing hunt.

Our realtor sent us lists of dozens of houses to look into online and we were ruthless.  "Yes" "No" "Yes" "Yes" "Maybe."  We scheduled viewings for the weekend.

Wednesday night Daniel was working and I was on my own.  I went to check our PO Box and decided to just ride around a little bit and see if I could find some houses for sale and check out neighborhoods.  I stumbled upon a neighborhood I'd never been in before.  It wasn't huge, and was just tucked away from the busy streets.  The houses were cute and the neighborhood was quiet.  It was a mix of families, middle aged, and elderly.  It felt perfect.  And there were a few houses for sale that had flyers -- but they were priced waaaay above our price range.  My heart fell and I went home.  That clearly wasn't going to be a neighborhood that was going to work out.

And then Thursday morning our realtor sent me a single listing.  It was in our price range.  It literally had EVERYTHING we wanted in a house.  It was beautiful.  It was perfect.  It was in the neighborhood I had driven through just the night before.  It was listed Thursday morning.

We were desperate for a viewing.  We wondered if we even needed a viewing (it was that perfect) and if we should just make an offer sight un-seen.  But I knew that at the least Daniel needed to go look at it (he's the pickier of the two of us when it comes to house hunting).  So he and the realtor went Friday morning.  We put an offer in Friday afternoon, an offer both our realtor and the sellers realtor were convinced that they would either outright reject or counter.  And much to our surprise, the sellers accepted our offer!

So we are under contract!!

Pinch me.  Because this is unreal to me.  Every single part of this house has been God's work.  The fact that I'd ridden through this neighborhood just the night before.  The fact that we were the first viewing.  The fact that they accepted our offer that was under their asking price (and their asking price was way under-valuing the house) and included them paying closing costs.  The fact that they accepted our offer even though they had three other showings scheduled that weekend (and may have gotten a better offer).  The fact that the house has EVERYTHING.  The fact that the house is in our budget.  Just thinking about all of it... It brings tears to my eyes because this can't be coincidince.  This is God's work in our lives.  This is God's provision.  This is God's gift of hope, joy, encouragement, and love.  This would not have occurred without his timing and his interference.  My heart is so full just realizing that he cares about something so small as our house.  About not just providing for our basic needs, but for our comfort and simple pleasure/enjoyment.  He has so much to attend to, but he took the time to find us a house.  A home.  Roots.  The object of our hearts right now.

God is good all the time.
All the time God is good.
Praise!!

So now we pray that it doesn't fall through.  We pray for a quick process.  And God willing, we will be moving within a month!  Hopefully the last move for a good long time. :) :)

Committed

I have finally found the desire and inspiration to begin reading again. I used to be such a book worm, devouring book after book -- I think as an adolescent I kept the high school library in business single handedly :-p

But when I went off to college, reading for pleasure took a back seat to school work and partying.  My attention to novels was dismal.  And ever since then, it has really been a struggle to return to my reading ways.  That is, until I found a used book store here in town!  50 cents for paperbacks, $1 for hardbacks!!!!  And you can sell back books and get 50 cents in store credit.  Can we say heaven?!  I've already spent so much money there... LoL.  My to-read stack is quite tall at this point.

The book that I am currently reading is Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert. It's a story of a woman who suddenly finds herself facing marriage when she and her fella were completely content with just co-habitating.  After a terrible divorce, neither of them are exactly excited about this development.  So Elizabeth kicks into research mode, deciding to learn as much as she can about the institution of marriage.

I'm loving this book for so many reasons.  Mostly because Elizabeth is not going into marriage with rose colored glasses on.  She knows that there is something about the ceremony that changes things, that changes the relationship, that can take things from simple and easy to complicated and hard.  A reality that I am personally going through, except I wasn't prepared.  I wasn't prepared for how much I would struggle with becoming a wife and the pressures that history/society/myself have put on my shoulders.  I wasn't prepared for the irritations, moods, frustrations, and just how different Daniel and I are.  Yes, I was totally naive to the institution of marriage.

As a result of my naivette, I've gotten some things twisted.  And this book by Gilbert is really helping me to look at marriage with a different point of view.  The cross-cultural and historical truths about marriage are not only interesting, but they really put things into perspective.  For example, I have learned that in Western society, we place a huge amount of stress that our spouse be our everything -- our best friend, our confidant, our protector, our inspiration, our comedic relief, our workout partner, our chore partner...  But that in so many other cultures, that stress isn't there.  The spouse is the spouse.  There aren't any expectations, so there aren't any disappointments.

Now granted, I am only about 1/3 of the way through this book.  But just reading the first 80 pages, I've let go of so many of my demands and expectations of Daniel.  Demands and expectations that might be "fair" if we were to split the household duties 50/50, but they aren't fair in the sense that they are things that are important to me but he really could care less about.  Why am I trying to force him to care about something he really doesn't care about?  Dumb.  So dumb.

It's requiring a lot of humility on my part, and a whole lot more physical labor on my part (hello more household chores), but if doing that will decrease my irritation/frustration and improve our relationship, then so be it.  Marriage is sacrifice, right?

And instead of depending on him to be my everything -- I've decided to depend on him less for my emotional needs.  Pause for gasping...  Men don't usually want to talk for hours about every little thing.  They just aren't interested, and their attention span just isn't that long.  So again, why am I trying to force something he doesn't care about?  Instead, I'm spending more time with my girlfriends, who do care, who will listen attentively, and who will understand my distress/concern and be able to help me sort through things.  Less annoyance for my husband.

I'm looking forward to reading the rest of this book, as I hope it will continue to educate me and inspire me to improve my marriage.

So many times my struggles with anxiety get the better of me. So many times imaginary fears and scenarios feel more real than reality does. So quickly can my mind spiral into worse case scenario.

It's worse when I'm tired. When I'm stressed. When I'm lonely. When I'm out of my routine. All of which I am tonight. Bad news bears.

As a result, I feel extremely separated. Isolated. Unloved. Less than. Depressed.
All of those are false feelings about my reality, yet the blues/depression remain.

I hate this about myself.

We Can't Afford Perfect

It's crazy to me how things work out.

My last post I shared about how frustrated we were getting about house hunting.  We found the "perfect" house but couldn't afford it.  We've looked at countless houses in the last two months, houses ranging from city homes to country homes.  Old homes to new homes.  Fixer uppers, mostly.

But after looking at the "perfect" house and cementing what our budget truly is, then spending some time in prayer (well, I did at least), a seed was planted in my heart. That seed was a house that we saw among the first houses that we looked at.  At the time, we had written that house off because it didn't have a fireplace and because it didn't have that it factor that we were looking for.  It was a fine house, nothing wrong with it, but we just weren't sure. But after two months, we finally had the experience under our belt.  We've seen what's available in our budget.  We've seen what you get in our budget.  And most of it is crap.  So when we went to look at this house on Saturday night, we were able to see the house with fresh eyes.  Eyes that had the experience and knowledge that wasn't there the first time.  And it was a whole new experience.

So we put an offer in. LoL.
We have a verbal agreement with the seller, but we aren't officially under contract until we get the paperwork, which will hopefully be today!

Is it perfect? No. It doesn't have a fireplace.  It will need a new deck.  It will eventually need a new HVAC unit.  Lots of paint (it's painted like a beach house lol).

But if there's one thing that I've learned, our budget won't get us perfect.

House hunting is the pits.

So can I just say that house hunting is over rated?  We've been looking for about two months now, which is not abnormal of a time period, but we are just getting to the point where we feel like we don't know anything anymore.

Our list of wants in house are: 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, a fireplace, a garage or outbuilding for Daniel's motorcycle, a dining room that will accommodate our existing dining room furniture, outdoor living area (deck or front porch), not on a main road/neighborhood feel, and charm.

I had no idea that such basic requirements would prove to be so difficult to find.

And I definitely had no idea just how expensive it gets so quickly.  We've gotten to the point where we've decided we just can't live in the city limits. Taxes are just too high which makes our budget even smaller.  And properties outside of the city limits that are not on main/busy roads that are in our price range are very few and far between.

We found a beautiful, perfect home.  But it was 20k above our original budget, and although we were pre-approved from the bank for that amount, there was no way we would be able to make it work and maintain financial security.  No way.  You want to talk about heart breaking having to walk away from the perfect house...

Are our standards too high?
Are we not meant to own a home?
Are we being too picky?

I feel so bad for our realtor... I hope and pray that he isn't getting exacerbated with us and knows that we aren't trying to jerk him around.  He knows we're first time home owners, so he's probably used to it.  But I still feel bad.

I am so grateful for where we live now. But it is not ours. We're so ready to have a place that's ours.

Prayers over our hunt would be greatly appreciated...

Rare Day Off

There is something about a mindless day off... I don't get these very often.  Most of the time, my days off (comp days for working weekends) are filled with errands to places that only have 9-5pm business hours and I can't take care of since I work an hour away from where I live.  But today was a rare mindless day off.  I got to sleep in, enjoy a morning movie (thank you John Cena), wander around Michaels and the Dollar Store (without Daniel asking if I was done yet lol), and I even got to go look at some houses with our realtor!

Our house hunt continues, as the house we previously put in a bid on (it was a foreclosure) was out bid.  I was sad for a little bit, but I felt very much at peace with losing that house.  As soon as I heard we were outbid (we had time to increase our bid if we'd wanted to), I knew that wasn't the house for us.  So it felt really good today to get back out house hunting, and it felt really encouraging to find not just one but three homes that would be good fits for us.  So hopefully Daniel will be able to go see them Saturday and we can move forward.

And in the mean time, I continue to search for fun baby shower ideas for the shower I'm planning for June.  I had no idea that planning a baby shower could be so much fun! :)

But for now, I get to enjoy some rare couch time and hope that I can convince Daniel into going for a burger for dinner :)

New Financial Focus

You know what feels really good? Having one of our frequent budget meetings (we don't quite follow Dave Ramsey's suggestion to have one every month, but we have a budget meeting about every three months it seems) and being able to shift our financial focus.

Our first focus was two fold: paying down our credit card debt while building up 3 months of expenses in savings. Daniel's is officially paid off and mine is at it's lowest balance since my junior year of undergraduate college.  That feels REALLY good!  It isn't totally paid off, but it will be in the next four months! :) :) :) :) :) Annnnd we got our three months of expenses in savings (albeit this doesn't include a rent/mortgage payment because we don't have that expense right now).

Our second focus was to start saving for retirement.  This entailed many financial planning meetings (we went to a professional for this one!), lots of discussion, lots of reading on my part (I was woefully uneducated about investments and life insurance), and realigning our budget.  This was the first "big money bill" as a married couple that we had to add to our budget.  This took quite a bit of adjustment, particularly on my part!  But we finally figured this out and have settled into a routine where this "bill" no longer scares us nor do we freak out about making sure our bank account can accommodate this bill, because we know we have the money in the bank.

So now it was time to shift our focus for a third time in seven months of marriage (man we've made some great financial progress already!). Time to start getting used to having a mortgage payment.  We don't own a home yet, but we felt it was a good idea to get used to having an even BIGGER bill that we'd have to pay every month. And until we own a home, this money just goes straight into savings.  So we're seriously boosting our savings account while getting accustomed to an over-inflated mortgage payment (we chose to pay more than what we expect to actually pay for a mortgage so that the actual mortgage is less frightening and easier for us to meet emotionally).  I'm pretty stoked about this!  We'll build up three months of mortgage emergency fund money, and then we'll begin saving up for any necessary home renovation projects for whatever home we end up buying.

It felt really good to sit down with our budget and be able to make our money work for us, to be able to shift our financial focus once again.  It feels good to know that we CAN handle a mortgage while living comfortably (albeit with a budget that has zero room for errors).  It feels good to be in control of our money instead of our money ruling us.  And it definitely feels good to know that my husband and I are on the same page with the same plan of action!

Budgeting works folks.  Get on the same page with your partner.  Talk about it.  Set goals.  Work your ass off. And meet your goals!  Because YOU CAN!

Am I a Conservative or a Feminist??

Daniel and I are beginning the process of finding our first home, and we are so far enjoying the process.  There has been, of course, quite a bit of information, contracts, and legal jargon to digest.  And in some cases sign.  

I am all for the Biblical definition of marriage -- where the man is the head of the house and leads his wife and family.  LOVE it.  I understand its importance and that this traditional/Biblical view still influences business, society, and culture today (granted maybe not as much as it should in some instances).

But ever since I've gotten married, I have discovered that my signature (and thus my value as a member of the partnership) is "less than."  I am either signing second on everything or not signing at all.  And this is really bothering me.

It's bothering me that my husband is deemed more valuable than I by business.  It is bothering me that he has more say and more respect than I do.

Why do I always have to sign second?

Why am I relegated to cooking all the meals, grocery shopping every week, and cleaning the house while my husband's only responsibilities are taking out the trash (which he has to be reminded to do; and even then he ignored the giant pile of boxes on his week long vacation) and fixing things (that light bulb is still waiting after three weeks)?

I am struggling to accept the Biblical definition of gender roles in this case. I am struggling to accept my "place" as a wife -- as second.  And when I expressed these issues to Daniel, he responded by saying "I think you are more important than keeping the kitchen clean, the dinners cooked, and the bedroom clean."  Wow... Really??????  That's the automatic role that you put me in? Of course it is.  He had a week of vacation and cleaned the dishes once, never cooked dinner, never made the bed, never vacuumed, and didn't even bother to go grocery shopping (in fact complained that he didn't have any food to eat).

How to I reconcile my Biblical beliefs with my frustrations of being "boxed in" and feeling limited?

Decisions and Opinions -- How does a Silent One Respond?

It's been a while since I had the time, motivation, or quiet to sit down and journal/blog...  There are so many spinning parts in our lives right now, so many "things" that we're waiting on or trying to get going that we are still at a bit of a stand still.  We're still going through the job hunt (both of us, actually).  One of us is making some progress in moving forward in their career (hint, it's not me); one of us is still waiting for the job market to relax enough for positions to become available (hint, it's me).

I am still very much struggling with what to do with my career.  Do I return to school and get my doctorate?  Do I take that risk/jump and cut our income?  What if when I graduate I find myself in the exact same position I'm in now -- qualified but without any job openings?  I will fully admit that I am paralyzed with fear on this topic.  I don't want to make the wrong choice.  And both choices (Stay a PTA or Become a PT) have valid and very strong pros/cons.  Neither option out weigh the other.

This is a personality trait that I've noticed I'm developing -- indecisiveness.  I used to be so sure of what I wanted to do and I could make decisions lickety split. I had no problem with that.   But as I've grown up (I refuse to say "gotten older" or "aged" to even my patients, let alone to myself), I've become more middle ground.  More, "Let me take some time and think about this." More, "I need more information."  More, "I need a sign saying that this is the way to go."

Through my various high school and college jobs, I was conditioned through my mistakes not to make bold statements or to be outspoken.  It was always looked down on -- they wanted someone who would come in, do their job, not make a fuss or rock the boat, be productive, be flexible, and then go home.  And in an effort to become a better employee with less stress on myself (from the "trouble" and the judgments), I have become that employee. But it's also spilled over into my personal life.  I am the quiet wife who is (admittedly) trying to find nice ways to ask for help, but who always declines the offer of help.  I am the wife who takes on the management of the home (i.e, budgets, cleaning, grocery shopping, cooking) because (1) it's what I'm "supposed to do" (2) it's just easier if I do it (3) Daniel's very much okay with a messy home.  I come home, do my job, try not to rock the boat, and go to bed.  So my annoyance gets bottled up and disposed of when I workout.

Daniel is wonderful and supportive of whichever decision I make.  But he's also smart enough to not make the decision for me -- despite how much I would like him to.  So the responsibility returns to my shoulders.

How often I wish I didn't have to make decisions...
The pressure is heavy on my shoulders...

My conditioning to not have an opinion and to be quiet is stifling me. I can see that now.  Granted, that doesn't mean I need to become bold and brazen.  But I need to establish what my opinions are, and I need to stand for them.  So by the flip side of the coin, that suggests I need to do some soul searching on me.

To Do Lists

There are so many things that are on my "To Do List" these days...

- Complete 1 chapter each week in my GRE study book
- Workout 3-4x/week
- Eat healthier
- Get started on that damn weight loss
- Spend more time reading literature/fiction
- Spend more time working on self reflection and growth (currently working on Mindfulness)
- Keep up with the Ladies Bible Study Book (Currently reading "The Best Yes" by Lysa Terkhurst; and yes, I'm already a week behind)
- Be better about flossing (yes; this is actually a goal)
- Work on keeping the house clean, organized, and simplified (lots of purge sessions!)
- Work on putting the cell phone away more often
- Work on being less reactionary (ie; be slower to become angry)
- GET TO THAT DANG WEDDING QUILT
- Be better at staying in touch with friends

LoL. Can you tell I'm a perfectionist and an over-achiever?

Short Life Update

....Two and a half months later....

Daniel and I have settled into a quiet routine that we are enjoying... There hasn't been a whole lot of excitement in our lives but I feel like now I have enough material to compose a post with a life update...

• We are looking forward to our first season ticket holder season of ECU Baseball! Games start next week, and our tickets will arrive on Monday.  We're excited to have season tickets and friends to enjoy the games with and relaxing but entertaining evening events to attend.  There is just something about baseball that we really enjoy.  I certainly don't know all the rules, but it is definitely a nice quiet relaxing way to spend the lovely spring evenings after work :)
• One of my aunts has made a huge life change and as a result, we are going to inherit some very beautiful furniture to furnish a home -- whenever we get a place of our own. Of course this means that we are going to have to now figure out if our storage unit is large enough to hold our old furniture plus the new furniture, but we'll tackle that on a warmer day.  We're just excited about the furniture we're getting!!!
• Daniel is continuing to make strides in his career and is continuing to aim for the position that he wants.  There hasn't been any movement yet, but we are continuing to be prayerful and faithful over the situation.  God has certainly instilled more hope and positivity about the situation than we have experienced yet, so I believe firmly that something good is going to happen soon.
• My career has not been looking very hopeful to change jobs to one more local.  The job market for my position has been incredibly sparse and disheartening. I'm continuing the hunt, but Daniel and I have pretty much come to the decision that it is probably time for me to go back to grad school and advance my degree to open new opportunities in my career (not to mention a pay raise).  So please cover me in prayers as we move forward with exploring this option... I am very nervous about it.

I told you things have been nice and quiet around here ;)  It's been nice to just kind of "be" with my husband and to settle into our lives.