It's been a while since I had the time, motivation, or quiet to sit down and journal/blog... There are so many spinning parts in our lives right now, so many "things" that we're waiting on or trying to get going that we are still at a bit of a stand still. We're still going through the job hunt (both of us, actually). One of us is making some progress in moving forward in their career (hint, it's not me); one of us is still waiting for the job market to relax enough for positions to become available (hint, it's me).
I am still very much struggling with what to do with my career. Do I return to school and get my doctorate? Do I take that risk/jump and cut our income? What if when I graduate I find myself in the exact same position I'm in now -- qualified but without any job openings? I will fully admit that I am paralyzed with fear on this topic. I don't want to make the wrong choice. And both choices (Stay a PTA or Become a PT) have valid and very strong pros/cons. Neither option out weigh the other.
This is a personality trait that I've noticed I'm developing -- indecisiveness. I used to be so sure of what I wanted to do and I could make decisions lickety split. I had no problem with that. But as I've grown up (I refuse to say "gotten older" or "aged" to even my patients, let alone to myself), I've become more middle ground. More, "Let me take some time and think about this." More, "I need more information." More, "I need a sign saying that this is the way to go."
Through my various high school and college jobs, I was conditioned through my mistakes not to make bold statements or to be outspoken. It was always looked down on -- they wanted someone who would come in, do their job, not make a fuss or rock the boat, be productive, be flexible, and then go home. And in an effort to become a better employee with less stress on myself (from the "trouble" and the judgments), I have become that employee. But it's also spilled over into my personal life. I am the quiet wife who is (admittedly) trying to find nice ways to ask for help, but who always declines the offer of help. I am the wife who takes on the management of the home (i.e, budgets, cleaning, grocery shopping, cooking) because (1) it's what I'm "supposed to do" (2) it's just easier if I do it (3) Daniel's very much okay with a messy home. I come home, do my job, try not to rock the boat, and go to bed. So my annoyance gets bottled up and disposed of when I workout.
Daniel is wonderful and supportive of whichever decision I make. But he's also smart enough to not make the decision for me -- despite how much I would like him to. So the responsibility returns to my shoulders.
How often I wish I didn't have to make decisions...
The pressure is heavy on my shoulders...
My conditioning to not have an opinion and to be quiet is stifling me. I can see that now. Granted, that doesn't mean I need to become bold and brazen. But I need to establish what my opinions are, and I need to stand for them. So by the flip side of the coin, that suggests I need to do some soul searching on me.
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