Oh the Anxiety

Here of late, I have really noticed that I am on edge.  Well, not really on edge.  Just stressed out.  Worried about x,y, and z and that I won't have enough time to accomplish what I want to accomplish.

Stressed with the demands I am facing at work... Both jobs actually.  I thoroughly enjoy what I do, but I don't enjoy the stress that comes with it.

Stressed with getting the house settled.  Seriously.  It's like a never ending slow moving avalanche of stuff.  I seriously don't know where this is all coming from or where we're going to put it all to make and part of sense.

Stressed with getting the day to day chores done.  I'm so side tracked with everything else that needs doing that the daily chores are falling further and further behind.  The kitchen sink is ridiculous right now.

Stressed with finding ways to squeeze in workouts between jobs and chores.

Stressed with trying to find quality time to spend with my husband.  Our time together is getting shorter and shorter it seems...  Not really. It's the same it has been since he's moved over to shift work.  But maybe I'm busier so it seems less.  I've seen him for a total of about 20mins each day for the last three days.  I may be a hoarder when it comes to time with my hubby, but that doesn't cut it for me.

It's all the little things that are building up.  Adding up.  Creating a small mountain.  Weighing my spirits down and leaving me feeling quite overwhelmed.  It didn't occur to me that part of my troubles is a lack of rest.  Not until this evening. I had been talking to my friend Chrissy about my stress and she said to come over.  So this afternoon after work I went over.  And I sat down.  Truly sat down.  Not a sit-down-and-continue-working-on-something.  A sit-down-and-do-nothing.  It's been a while since I've done that.  And it dawned on me that I'm not doing enough of it.

Suddenly the big things were smaller.  Everything could wait.  And I didn't want to move.  It was glorious.  In that moment, I realized that I needed more quiet time, more God time, in my life.  And that when things calm down a bit and my responsibilities decrease a bit, I need to be more careful about what I commit myself to time wise in the future.

I used to handle a crazy busy schedule with ease.  But as I'm experiencing now, I was always stressed, frequently ill, nearly never available for my friends/family, and just barely getting by.  It was not a healthy way for me to live.  And I can't keep that lifestyle up.  It's just not right for me anymore.

So I'm looking forward to some changes in my life.  Changing where I spend my time.  How I spend my time.  With whom I spend my time.  I just have to get through this season first!

Stream of Consciousness

The quiet hum of the AC unit outside the window is comforting -- a little white noise to go behind the lilting melodies of the Pandora Nature station that's playing softly from my night stand.  The soft glow of my lamp casts a comfortable atmosphere on the room, a room that when fully lit is actually more like chaos, as you can truly see all the boxes and piles of clothes and toiletries and socks and things that still have yet to find a home.  But in the soft glow of my quiet lamp, those things somehow seem smaller, practically non-existant.  I'm not complaining about the change in attitude.  From demanding my attention to patiently waiting for their turn.

My To Do list grows as I lay in bed.  My brain refusing to enter power save mode to make way for sleep.  Too much to do, it has decided.  Don't forget this... Don't forget that... I jot them down on my reminders just to appease my OCD brain, praying that it will quiet it's noise.  Because the white noise of the AC unit and the Pandora Nature station is only just now starting to make any impact.

Every now and then, blips of TV noise make its way down the hallway and under the door to my ears.  The husband is enjoying his newly delivered man chair and TV and a cold beer before bed. Nothing like a night cap and a motorcycle TV show to unwind.

I lie here in bed, my heart singing with gratitude and praise to God.  For this day.  For his work in my life.  For his provision.  For his blessings. How great is our God?!

Finally... The eyes are getting heavy.  The AC shuts off.  The lilting piano melody continues to hypnotize me away from the world and my own brain and into dream land...

What a whirlwind these last few weeks have been... It's been a race to find a house and buy a house before our loan rates expired.  And I'm pleased to report that we made the deadline :)  As I write this post, I am sitting in my bed in my new house, marveling in what we have done and what God has done for us.  I'm so exhausted that I can't sleep, so I blog...

I have roots, for the first time in 10 years. Literally.  12 moves in 10 years.  And for the first time since I graduated high school, I have roots.  That's so huge.

For the first time in 10 years I am not a migrant, going where the work/school is.  I'm not a wanderer.  I'm not a gypsy.  I'm not living in question as to how much longer it will be before I have to move again.  My life suddenly became more concrete.  More permanent.  Less temporary.  Less "keep my finger in the hole of the damn."

And suddenly, I'm dying to have local employment.  Suddenly, the 50 minute commute is bothersome.  Suddenly, I'm noticing what my work environment is really like.  Suddenly, I'm questioning why I stayed so long.  The blinders have come off.

So now the job hunt begins... For something more local, more convenient, to create roots to match the roots of my home.