Wedding Pictures

So many of my friends have updated their facebook lately -- with wedding related photos.  It's that age, right?  Where all your friends are getting engaged and married and starting their lives together.

It makes me happy to see these pictures -- I love to flip through the photo albums and see how they put their personality into their wedding, to see the love that exists between two people, the light in their faces...  It's simply beautiful.  It's inspiring.  It's hopeful.

And even I have been getting little butterflies in my tummy from my Man. :)  He makes these little comments alluding to the future and he just gives me such warm fuzzies.  I pray that I get that happy ending, but for now, I am just so happy for the present that I'm trying not to focus on the future or hopes.  I have the happy present.

And someday, I hope to have the happy ending.

Found the Focus

Tonight, I finally had my focus back.  For the past few weeks, I've been the most unfocused I've ever been.  My drive, determination, and desire to succeed on the path I have set myself down had been seriously lacking.  It is quite embarrassing how slack I had been...  Honestly.  I was even getting to the point of questioning myself -- whether I was cut out for this, if I could succeed, if I was meant to be a PTA.  And in this time period, I had several tests.  :-/  Not good timing for my work ethic to go on strike, let me tell you!

But tonight, it all came rushing back.  Thank. God.  Seriously.  If it hadn't, I am not sure I would be able to succeed through the program as tomorrow's test is nearly 1/3 of my grade in this class.  It's quite a bit of material.  But tonight I was able to sit down and study and outline and review and take notes.  I am not sure how much I absorbed (hopefully something!  At least one thing -- the flexor retinaculum ligament is the ligament that connects the carpals on the volar side of the wrist, creating the "roof" of the carpal tunnel), but it felt soooo good to sit down and study.  And not just that, but to actually enjoy studying.  To not be enticed by my laptop (and the internet) or my phone (and texting my night owl friends) or the TV (and it's endless opportunities for mind-numbing and distracting programming).  I put the radio on the Oldies station and just sat down at my "desk" and got to work.  

I didn't have the "this is too much, there's no point in me even trying because I'll never be able to learn all of this" attitude that has been plaguing me the last couple weeks.  Instead, I had the "okay, take it one bite at a time and make the connections.  You can do this.  You have to do this.  This is important to you.  You want this.  Sleep can wait.  You will be okay." attitude. 

There may be hope for me yet :) 

And there better be, as I have only one month of classes left in this semester before clinicals.  And then after that, only 6 weeks of classes next semester before clinicals.  I am on the last 10 laps of the Indy 500!  These tires better not blow and I better not run out of gas yet!  Sooooooo close to that checkered flag and a real paycheck!!!!

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about what my priorities are.  Where I'm spending my time.  If it's beneficial to me.  And I've come to many conclusions and taken a few steps in a different direction.

I had already mentioned that I will be leaving the Y.  Thursday is my last day as a class instructor, then I'll have another week of Personal Training.  And then all my responsibilities will be fulfilled and I can breathe from that.

I decided to request a more local clinical assignment so that I won't be logging so many miles, burning so much gas, and stretching myself so thin.  This is sad because I won't be able to stay with the boy during my clinical, but financially--it's the right decision.

I also decided to step down as Class President.  When my classmates are snapping at me, basically making demands on me, when I've been sick as a dog for a week -- well, that was kind of the last straw today.  They're all eager to jump down my throat but they are not in the least bit interested in putting in any work or time.  So I am stepping down.  One less responsibility.

So soon, I will only have school and Cato.  I am looking forward to actually being able to go home after class.  I'm not saying that I'll be more productive (I'll still probably procrastinate my homework until I have to burn the candles), but I'll be able to breathe, clean, shower, and get my life in order at my own pace.

I have also realized that I have been slack in taking care of myself.  I am not feeding it properly.  I am not exercising at all.  A few of the girls in class are doing Zumba after class 3x a week, so I'm going to try and go to that regularly.  And I'm also considering joining Gold's Gym.  I have no ties to that gym -- I don't know anyone who works there or who goes there.  Which will be nice.  I feel like I'm constantly being watched at the Y.  AND they have Body Pump and Body Step classes, which I love. (and which the Y does not have).  They also have Zumba, core classes, and yoga. I don't know... I'll have to look into fees, but it's just something that I've been thinking about this week.  Because I really need to get back to taking the time to take care of myself.

I just want some peace.  It's been missing for too long.