"Coincidence is God's way of Remaining Anonymous" ~Albert Einstein

About a month ago, my sister asked me if I'd be interested in coming to Clemson for a Zac Brown Band concert.  As if I could have said no!  So plans were made a little over a month ago for a family weekend -- we'd go to a baseball game, visit the spring football game, do the concert, tailgate, and enjoy the scenic area of Clemson.  At the time, I was looking forward to this weekend not only for the time I'd get to spend with my family (I hadn't gone to visit my Dad in Seneca SC in almost exactly one year) and the fun activities we'd participate in, but also as a distraction from Chris being gone. 

The day before I was to leave for this trip (which was this past weekend, by the way), Chris broke up with me.  "Coincidence is God's way of remaining anonymous." ~Albert Einstein 

As I'm sure you can gather from my previous posts, it was not at all expected.  I was blindsided.  And I was devestated.  Suddenly this trip (a seven hour drive one way, as I must mention) became overwhelming, and it became chore-like.  I didn't want to muster the energy, enthusiasm, or thought to pack.  I didn't want to have to focus on driving.  I didn't want to show up at my family's door in shambles when this was suppossed to be such a positive, fun weekend.  I wasn't sure I could hold myself together.  I was dreading it.

But I went.

And I don't think Chris chose Wednesday night coincidentally.  I think that was God.  That was God chosing the best time for something so painful and hurtful to happen.  Because He knew that the next day, I would be whisked away to a different place with distractions -- fun distractions -- and people who truly love me and accept me (my family).  And it was the best weekend ever.  We were so busy and had such a great time.

The concert was amazing.  The spring football game was dull but neat.  The baseball game was great.  The food was delicious.  The beer was cold.  The weather was sunny and warm.  My family was kind and didn't bring it up to me once and they were such a pillar of strength and encouragement and love.  It was such an amazing weekend of healing.  I feel so much better.  So much more whole.  So much more able to look to the future and see something bright. 

Chris is a memory, but it feels so much more distant than it actually is.  So much less painful.  Because instead of focusing on him and what happened, I'm turning my focus to me.  Again.

I go through these periods; these ups and downs.  I begin wanting to focus on me -- to better myself, to do things I want to do, to create and learn and volunteer and do good.  Then I get lonely.   I feel like I'll never meet "the One".  Then a guy comes along.  So it feels like it's a sign -- that we're meant to be.  And I latch onto him.  And "me" goes out the window.  And everything is happy and sunny for a while.  Then it all comes crashing down.

Balancing this load is tricky.  On one hand, a modern girl wants to be independent, self-sufficient, have a career and personal interests.  But on the other hand, a modern girl also wants to be the perfect girlfriend (then fiance, then wife, then mother), putting her man first, doing things for him to prove that she is "the perfect girl for him."  And then you have girls like me, who haven't mastered the balance.  Who can only do one hand at a time.

Adam, my sisters not-boyfriend boyfriend, came to Clemson this weekend and carpooled with me.  On the ride home today, we were talking (as two passengers must do on a 3.5 hour trip), and the subject of my lack of luck with men was lightly brushed.  And in this very light conversation, Adam made a good point.  It went something along these lines: "You have to be careful with who you think is a good guy.  You can't just jump the gun and say they're a good guy until they've done something to earn that right." 

And it just kind of clicked.  As soon as a guy comes into my life, I have a tendency to just put them in the "good guy" category.  They never have to work for that title, or for anything else.  It's not that I don't have standards, because there are many guys who don't get into my life or who don't get very far.  It's that I'm too quick to brush under the rug something suspicious or negative to shine the spotlight on a more acceptable quality.  You could sugar coat this and just say that I want to believe the best in people.  And this is true.  But it's a half truth. 

I need a dependable, reliable, trust-worthy guy who is going to earn not only those characteristics with me, but also the title of "good guy" and "boyfriend".  I can't treat myself as a second hand store when I'm selling first hand products.

But anyways.  So I've returned home after a much needed, very appropriate, perfectly timed weekend with my family with a lighter heart, some self-inspection, and a whole lot of question marks about what to do next and what life will bring me next.  And although there is a lot that I can do, sometimes you just have to wait it out and see if the eggs you've laid in these nests will hatch before you start laying other eggs.... (Referring to school, of course)