Well, it's apparent to me that a relationship is just not in the works for me. Not anytime soon. So I need to get over this. This crutch I have with needing to have someone. I need to re-learn the lesson to be happy and find happiness within myself. (I say this so many times. It's an empty truth. Something I know that needs to happen, but something I don't have much drive to achieve. So I repeat it, over and over, hoping that one time it'll finally sink in.)
I have calmed down quite a bit from the shock of yesterday. Yet even so, I occasionally (and for no reason) find myself tearing up and bursting into tears (primary example: I was in the take out line at Bojangles and just burst into tears. Tears from sadness; unhappiness; loneliness). I know it's only been a day, but it feels so much longer than that.
My self confidence has plummeted in the last year. I was at such a high Fall 2009. Now I'm in a pit. I feel unattractive, unworthy, and lost. Thankfully, I have made one change for myself: I've reconnected to God. I've begun studying the Bible and have a deep need to read and find solace through God's word. I suppose that this is excellent growth for someone to achieve. But I just feel like I haven't done any growth other than that.
I miss having friends. I miss feeling happy. I miss feeling accomplished. I miss having drive.
I'm house sitting for the next couple of weeks, and being here is both a blessing and a curse. It's a blessing because it gets me out of my apartment and the reminders that are there. It's nice to have TV. It's nice to be in a place that feels like home. That feels real, rooted, and permanent. But it's a curse because it's a reminder of what I do not have. Roots. Permanency (then again what in this life is permanent?). Family. Friends. Love/Partnership.
I wonder why it is that my emotional stability is so dependent upon having another person. But my friend Stacey made an excellent point; it's because that's what society expects of us. To have a partner. To move toward marriage. Even in the 21st century, that is what we are all expected (and thus what we all want) to achieve. This awareness of societal pressures on me comforts me, I don't feel like such a pathetic loser. But even so, it's a stigma that I often wish wasn't there -- so that I wouldn't feel this intense anxiety to base my happiness on whether or not I have a boyfriend. Some people have achieved this theoretical level of self efficacy of not feeling the need for a significant other. I have a few friends who are incredible women and who don't really base their happiness on their relationship status. But these same women... They have their weak points and even so, they complain about not having someone. Particularly around former anniversaries of particularly important partners or when one of their friends becomes engaged. It's like sand being thrown into the eyes.
I know I need to focus on accomplishing things that I would enjoy (such as more group fitness classes, running, exploring New Bern, painting pottery, etc) or that would in theory and on paper be "good for me" (such as volunteering with the Special Olympics, soup kitchens, shadowing, church, etc). But all of my energy and drive have evaporated. All I want to do is sit around and mope. Eat or not eat -- it doesn't really matter. I just don't really want to do. So the battle of need vs. want ensues... Akin to the epic battle of Harry Potter and Lord Voldemort: Niether can live while the other survives (http://harrypotter.wikia.com/wiki/The_Prophecy).
So until this battle is decided, I remain for what seems like eternity, in limbo.
I will approach one goal at a time instead of trying to overhaul my lifestyle at once. I'm not going to make a laundry list of them (I already did that in my New Years Resolutions post), because that will just make me feel overwhelmed. So my first goal will be this: to dedicate myself to and complete the Insanity workout (which, by the way, I received in the mail today!). This goal in and of itself will take 60 days for me to complete. And I am not starting until Monday. I'm not going to lie... I'm pretty terrified of this thing. But my body needs a jump start, and this is going to be it. I've gotten too used to my workouts, and this will be the shock it needs.
Ha. We'll see how this goal works... (Although I have to say, this will also achieve one of my New Years Resolutions! :-D Yay multitasking! haha)
I miss him. I miss having him in bed with me. I miss having him to come home to. I miss cooking for him. Kissing him. Cuddling with him. I miss it oh so very much.... ::sigh::
I know that this particular reason for grief is gone as I write this, but I wanted to say this: do not begrudge your psyche its time to grieve. Grief is important for healing. Grief is important for closure. If you shortcut the emotional process -- the tears, the moping, the sadness -- you may find it springs back out later. So give yourself time to grieve, and don't consider it a fault. And please don't beat yourself up for grieving for the loss of someone who you cared for. What if this was a platonic friend, or a family member? Would you have an "I shouldn't be doing this" reaction? Friendship and companionship are Good Things. To feel bad when they are lost just proves that you have a heart.
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