I just got back from a visit to my Grandparents in Hartsville, SC. It's a long trip (usually about a 4 hour drive one way), but it's a long trip that is always worth it, because I don't know how much longer this world will be blessed with their spirits and I want to take advantage of the time I have when I can.
They say that some of the main traits of a Sagittarius (such as myself) is a restless spirit, with a love of travel, whether that be for business, pleasure, or just for an escape. And as I age, I find this to be more and more true of myself. I am always looking for an excuse to get out of Dodge and go somewhere, anywhere. This weekend was one of those unexpected road trips. I wasn't expecting any time off from work, let alone a whole weekend, so when I got both time off and the whole weekend off, I immediately made plans to head to the great state of South Carolina.
I went to SC with a lot on my mind. A lot of anxiety, sadness, loneliness, and a feeling of failure. About school (the current state of the program at Craven CC, whether or not to apply to other programs, and where to apply??). About work (it's such a dead end job!). About love (yet another one has bit the dust with his flaky behavior -- I need steady and dependable, by the way -- and once again I'm very much alone, without prospects, and have no idea where to begin. Let alone the question of whether or not love exists, and if it's meant for me). About God (I felt slightly abandoned through all of this).
Being around my grandparents always has a way of calming my mind. I told them about my frustrations, and about the option to move to Greensboro and live with Meghan in the Fall. They were very receptive and supportive and enthusiastic about this option. But Nanny also mentioned that the technical school near their house had the program (hinting to come live with them and attend school there). And this idea appealed to me. With the exception of the out of state tuition, of course. And the other exception of the fact that I would be even further from my friends... So they both calmed and rattled my anxiety about school. I want to please them, to make them proud, to not be that wayward grandchild that they see my sister as.
But if I ever doubted true love, all I have to do is go visit them. These two people amaze me. They are the quinticential old married couple, who after more than 50 years married to each other, they are still in love and are still going out of their way to do things for each other. I sat and observed Papa go out of his way to attend to Nanny, making the bed for her (like he does every morning), doing the dishes for her (like he does every night), driving her around town ... Essentially being the man of the house and treating his wife like his queen. You can tell when Nanny is inwardly rolling her eyes at him (which to me is just as cute that she just lets him go about his way even though she knows an easier way to do things), but the love that they show is simply amazing. They prove to me that having a successful marriage is possible. With work, time, love, and compromise. So they eased my mind about the existence of love, but raked my anxiety about love in the sense that they were already together at my age. And here I am, with nothing but failed relationships to show for myself.
I know that these relationships didn't fail because I was unwilling to compromise. In fact, the fact that I was so willing to work only left me open for heart break after heart ache. And it's so frustrating. To meet someone, see amazing potential with that person, logically look for red flags and see nothing of great importance, then begin to fall for them, to open myself up to them. Only for them to cut it off, cut me out, and leave me hanging? It's frustrating.
My friend Suja tells me that I need a break. And I remind her that I've been on break from seriously persuing men for more than 4 months now. That this "break" was only instituted for 3 months, but that it has persisted. And that even on my "break," my heart gets broken. Because I never considered having a serious relationship with any of the men that came along during my break (and told them straight up that I didn't want a relationship, but that they could casually see me with no expectations for anything physical, as I reserve those benefits for relationships only), except for the most recent one. Who I let in. Who sent such mixed signals with such erratic behavior that I knew in my heart (even though this acknowledgement killed me) that I needed to let it go.
And for women, letting go without the explanation, the closure, the "talk," well that's just cruel. And I think I could argue it not only hurts worse, but it's harder to get over, because we don't understand why. Why we weren't good enough. And so we put ourselves through mental anguish. Even when we're "over" the guy for the most part, our heart still cries (and might always) because we don't understand.
While I was at my grandparents, I had time to catch up on my daily Bible reading. I am doing a Reading Plan through YouVersion, which you can access online or on your Blackberry or iPhone. The Reading Plan is a Chronological plan, which I'm hoping will help me place events in the proper order. But this week that Plan has had me reading Job. So as I mentioned, I was able to catch up on about five days of missed Bible study, which was really nice. Job is a book that has really resounded with my soul right now, as I feel a bit forsaken like Job did. So through reading and studying the book of Job, I feel like my anxiety has calmed some. I have learned that God tests, and that you must be patient and faithful in your belief. That you may think God has abandoned you, but he hasn't. And that you can never lose your faith.
So being with my grandparents has calmed and stirred a lot of things in my mind and in my heart, and they meet in the middle with a tight throat. They spur me to be better, to never give up, and to keep my chin up in patience. And as always, I left with too many leftovers and treats, as well as sewing materials (including a JellyRoll and a jellyroll project book!!! Can't wait to crack into these!!). And I return anxious to make a difference in the world, in my life, and to live life as simply as I can. Because the rest is just fluff.
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