Disastrous

Saturday (3:30am)
That's the only way I feel I could accuratley describe in one word how this weekend has gone.

I drove here, got a nice welcome.  We hung out.  We made out.  We cuddled.  And then came the obligatory "serious talk."

And what do I learn from this serious talk (after making out with him and losing layers as time progressed -- no sex though!)?  That he's interested and wants a relationship with me, but that he isn't ready right now.  Because he's starting school (23 yr old freshman because he was in the army for 6 years), and that's the most important thing he'll ever do in his life, and he wants to make sure he can balance everything (school, work, lacrosse, me) before he pursues an actual relationship.  But that nothing has changed in how he feels about me.

And I'm sitting there like, well...why did I just drive 5.5 hours to see you then?  Did you just waste my time?  My money? My gas?  Did I just get led on?  I'm hurt.  I'm confused.  I'm embarrassed (I'm here, open, and half naked in his bed when he tells me this!).  I don't know how to proceed.  I'm anxious -- does he even want me here anymore?  Is he telling me to leave?  Ugh!  So confused!!

Sunday (1:00pm)

I'm no longer in Boone.  I'm in Greensboro; a pit stop between Boone and home to see my sister and my best friend Suja.  Some distance.  Some solitude.  Some thinking and reflecting time.

Saturday evening (many hours after I began the Saturday post), Bryan and I ended up driving up Beech Mountain to visit some of his Army buddies that were in town on a retreat.  Buddies Bryan hasn't seen since he got out.  I was a little nervous -- would I get ignored?  Would they be total assholes?  But I ended up having a blast!!  We drank and played drinking games and laughed a lot.  It was great!

There were a couple awkward moments though...  Like when the Chaplain asked our relationship status after Bryan introduced me.  Bryan kind of stammered and fidgetted (I like to observe reactions as this tells me a lot), so after a few excruciating seconds I spoke up and said "We're undefined." And Bryan kind of relaxed and explained to the Chaplain that we're not in a relationship yet but we're leaning towards it.  ... Like when he and I were sharing a joke and laughing our butts off together and his buddy Lee walked up and gave us this weird look and said "Y'all are perfect for eachother."  Yeah.  Awkward.  Especially after the "serious" conversation that we had the night before.

I sent my best friend Suja a facebook message Saturday morning at like 2:30am telling her about the "serious" conversation.  I was crushed for some reason when he said that.  I mean, did I really expect to leave Boone with a boyfriend?  I guess subconsciously I did.  And when he said that he wasn't ready, my subconscious desire was finally acknowledged by my consciousness and the honesty that he gave me hit me so hard because I didn't even realize what I had expected.

You know, meeting a guy and pursuing it reveals a lot about yourself in the process.  You find out if you're cynical, a realist, an optimist.  You find out if you're a hopeless romantic, or whether you believe love is an untangible gift that you don't even know if you've received yet.  You find out whether or not you're honest with yourself (and apparently I missed a detail!).

But anywho.... I digress.  We went up to Beech Mountain to visit, ended up spending the night there, and had a good time.  He was pretty drunk and was a little more touchy-feely with me.  A little more proud to claim me as his.  And boy was he ready to go to bed with me!  Haha.  Oh that ol' boy wanted sex somethin' awful.  But I am proud to report that I maintained self-control and didn't let things get out of hand.  Oh sure I teased (tortured? mwhahaha) the heck out of him (He even said something along the lines of: "You're so mean.  Here I am laying prostrate on this bed wanting you and all you can do is love having such power over me."  Well it was true.  Tehehe).  But no matter how much he begged and attempted "the slip", he was thwarted.

I woke up to a still-naked Bryan (and I was still fully clothed!) and the most beautiful sunrise I've seen in a long time.  The hotel was at the peak of a mountain, so the views were breath-taking.  And there was about 2 feet of fresh snow on the ground from the previous night...  So it was spectacular. 

Being in the mountains made me miss them.  I hadn't been to the mountains in probably three years.  And visiting... I felt them calling me home.  I've always loved the mountains more than I loved the beach, so it's ironic that I live so near the coast and so far from the mountains.  But the beauty...  Pictures don't do it justice.  Nor do words.

But Suja responded to my message, and just reading her reassuring words calmed my anxiety about Bryan quite a bit.  I realized that I probably over reacted (although can you blame a girl?  I mean, I realized in the instant that I wanted something I couldn't have all in the same time.  Talk about psychological warfare!).  And this visit...  Well it raised some thoughts...

-  Sure.  I've done long distance relationships before.  But do I want one now?  Can I handle the separation?
-  He's a freshman in college.  He's going to want to go out and party and I can't blame him for that.  Will that bother me?  Take a negative toll on me and our...relationship?
-  When we were alone, we didn't do much talking.  Is not having anything to talk about a bad sign?
-  He wasn't very touchy feely.  Granted this might just be his personality, or is it a sign that he's not that into me?

Aside from the slow conversation, he and I are very compatible when it comes to our personalities.  Our chemistry is boiling over.  So in that aspect, we would be a good couple (I don't say perfect because perfect doesn't exist).  But the other aspects... They make me hesitant to get into a relationship with him.  And the fact that he said that he's not ready -- that is good for me.  I shouldn't have freaked out.  Because this will give me time to decide whether or not it is really right for me.

I do wish I could go back and change how I reacted Friday night to the "serious talk."  But what's done is done.  If he can't accept me (like me, or someday love me) inspite of my tendency to react without thoughtful consideration, then he's not the guy for me.  So, I throw up my hands at my mistake, and recognize his un-readiness as a welcome blessing.  And I'll slowly make my way home to the coast today with a heart that is content, that got answers she didn't even realize she was looking for, and a renewed vigor to achieve my dreams and return to the Piedmont or the Foothills someday. 

Just one last little blip...  If you haven't seen the mountains covered in fresh snow, with sunshine and blue skies... You don't know what crisp really is.  This is a beauty that every soul should seek out if it isn't in their backdoor.  This is a solitude, a peace, a comfort that will overwhelm any fears or anxieties.