The more I go to this church, the more I love it. The people there are so warm and friendly, the lessons are easy to understand but they still stop and make you think about the way you live your life, the music is good, and dress is casual! :) I'm also beginning to feel more and more comfortable with my small group. I still feel a little awkward and like the outsider, but I'm slowly warming up and opening up. :)
We had a new girl in small group last night. Her name was Emily. She was a very nice person -- smart, articulate, and talkative. But as the night went on, it became obvious that Emily had been through a lot of terrible things lately. I mean terrible. It's her story so I won't share it here, but I can tell you it was really terrible. And for that my heart goes out to her. I think that Two Rivers Church and our Small Group will be a positive addition to her life. But Emily is just an odd ball -- before she attended a church service, she listened to every podcast of the sermons, was in frequent email contact with the pastor for a week or so, etc. Emily has innocence at her heart. I recognize that. But her talkative spirit is trying at times. Several times last night she corrected people, talked over people, and couldn't stop talking about her husband (who was deployed last month). Now there is absolutely nothing wrong with being in love or adoring your husband. Please don't misunderstand me. But the gushing I worry may become a bit much for me. For me, who's nearly 23 and still single, while I'm surrounded by people younger with me who are so deeply in love with their husbands. It still blows my mind. And I recognize that I am jealous that they found their happy endings. Jealous and it's a wound that's a bit agitated -- like cleaning it out with rubbing alcohol.
But I need to remove this jealousy from my perceptions. This is not a characteristic that I want to have describing myself. I truly am happy that they have this, it gives me hope! But I also wish I had it... By the same token, I also recognize that now may not be the best time for me to get involved. Fuck that. Of course it is. Perfect time. Perhaps the better way to say it is that I'm still not quite in the head space for a positive relationship. Or am I? I've done so much personal growth and maturing and growing up, I'm in the best head space I've been in for a very long time. For two years I'd say.
Wow. For two years... That's something amazing for me to be able to say. It truly is. I feel like a totally different person. And God has worked his magic pretty quickly in my life when I finally opened myself back up to Him. For that, I am so very thankful.
Going to church has become a weekly renewal -- of commitment to God, of my spirit, of my mind, of morals, of bettering myself. It challenges me, encourages me, comforts me.
And this morning, as the rain falls with such grace and melody outside my window, I am so happy. So happy, even though many people may look at my life and think I'm not on the right time table, or that they think I'm lacking (no career, no super close friends, no significant other, not making progress to paying off the debt, etc). But I am truly so happy. I'm at peace with myself, I don't thrive on drama, I have found myself in a place that's beautiful and simple to live in, I have found that I'm surrounded by good people, and I have found pleasure in every day.
So to close, I'd like to share a Bible verse that was shared in church yesterday and that I love:
"Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me." Psalm 51:10
This verse has been put to song, and I love the Capstone version of this song. Unfortunately there is not a YouTube video of this song, so I can't share this with you. But this verse... It describes perfectly my quest -- to renew my relationship with God, with goodness, with myself, with the right way of living. I want a clean heart, free of negativity, judgemental thinking, jealousy, angst, and drama.
And so I continue on my quest, on my walk with God. It gets better and better every day.
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