Being married to a member of law enforcement is difficult.  It was hard before I worked with the same agency.  I almost feel like it's harder now that we work with the same agency.  Not so much because I hear the radio and all the sordid details about what happens in a night.  Oddly that doesn't effect me -- I know that he is well trained and that my worry really won't change anything except to distract him from his job.  What affects me is how little we see each other.  We've been on opposite shifts (I've been days, he's been nights), which means extremely limited time together.  And this just tends to build and build.  I'm a hold-it-in-until-I-explode kind of person.

He's just recently taken on additional responsibilities/roles in the agency.  Which means that he has training on his off days which I found out today lasts 10 hours.  Even less time together. While I completely support him and am happy for him that he is pushing his career further and better, I struggle with this too.  I have literally sacrificed my own career and my own professional dreams for him; because this county is where he has always lived and where his entire family lives and I want my kids to be raised with so much family near by.

What time he does have at home, he spends completely shut up -- head phones in and eyes glued to his computer screen.  He's watching his nerdy youtube videos about war history and war video games.  He's writing in his forums/war gaming.  Hours upon hours upon hours on his computer in his recliner. Breaks only for the bathroom or food.

I get that's how he decompresses.  I remind myself of that over and over.  But I get so frustrated.  There is so much to do.  I spend my days off running around the house like a chicken with its head cut off just trying to keep the chores moderated.  I get resentful.  That I work the exact same schedule yet have more responsibility on my head at home.  I withdraw.  I turn cold.

I've created the misery that I'm in.  Yes, the career change has been a positive one for me.  I love the job.  But it's a dead end job.  It's not professional.  I've put my husband before me more times than I can count -- why does that feel so wrong sometimes?? Why do I struggle with this??  Why am I unable to be satisfied or happy or whatever?