I have a lot on my mind. A lot. I seem to always have a lot on my mind, don't I? I can't help it. It's a result of circumstance. Many times, it's the same lot on my mind that's been there for quite some time, that fades away then re-surfaces with a vengence. Life is cyclical in some ways and humans are creatures of habit, and I am no exception to this. I worry about the same things, stress about the same things, run the same things through my head over and over.
Today, money is on my mind. You never really understand or appreciate how spoiled you are until it all threatens to come to a halt. Til you're left to fend for yourself. To make something of yourself by yourself. It's not so much that I lack the drive to do this -- quite the opposite. It's that approaching my future this way is foreign to me. I've always had the security of support. And now, I don't know how much longer I will have that support. So I have to start thinking ahead, and anticipating, just in case that support is taken away. Making decisions like these don't come easily to me. I worry about long term reprocussions of them, of making the wrong choice, of digging myself deeper than I can crawl out of.
I was so lucky in undergrad. I had a scholarship that paid for school, and a father who made the ends meet for living expenses. Now? I'm about one inch from being completely on my own. And already, I feel the weight of financial demands overtaking my life.
Life should be about balance, happiness, peace. In many respects, I have all those things. But these financial demands are beginning to negate some of this. I deeply do not want to take out a loan to make my ends meet. But the fact is that if this support I'm receiving ends; I literally won't be able to afford living. I could try to find a hospital to pay for school, resulting in a contract to work with them after graduation, and thus being "stuck" in an area for a specific amount of time (2 years, 5 years? I don't know). Which maybe wouldn't be so bad, but out the window goes the freedom to go where I want to work. And frankly, I don't know where I want to go after school. Do I stay here and love the beach but never meet a guy? Do I move closer to family to save money but give up the beach (and maybe never meet a guy)? Do I follow the wind like I have since I was little and up and move to Colorado, Wyoming, Montana, or Wisconsin (yet leave behind my family, friends, and the beach, but maybe meet an outdoorsman)?
I don't want any more debt. I can barely handle the debt I have. But I may not have much of a choice.
1. Pray. Let go and let God.
ReplyDelete2. A few years in one place is not the end of the world. Staying put can be a real test for those of us who like freedom and mobility. But it does force you to learn new ways to cope with problems that you might otherwise just run away from.
3. Visit the school financial aid office. You may be eligible for grant money, not just a loan, if your financial situation takes a turn for the worse.
4. A little fairy godmother action now and then isn't out of the realm of possibility, either. (See bullet #1.)