Here of late, I have really noticed that I am on edge. Well, not really on edge. Just stressed out. Worried about x,y, and z and that I won't have enough time to accomplish what I want to accomplish.
Stressed with the demands I am facing at work... Both jobs actually. I thoroughly enjoy what I do, but I don't enjoy the stress that comes with it.
Stressed with getting the house settled. Seriously. It's like a never ending slow moving avalanche of stuff. I seriously don't know where this is all coming from or where we're going to put it all to make and part of sense.
Stressed with getting the day to day chores done. I'm so side tracked with everything else that needs doing that the daily chores are falling further and further behind. The kitchen sink is ridiculous right now.
Stressed with finding ways to squeeze in workouts between jobs and chores.
Stressed with trying to find quality time to spend with my husband. Our time together is getting shorter and shorter it seems... Not really. It's the same it has been since he's moved over to shift work. But maybe I'm busier so it seems less. I've seen him for a total of about 20mins each day for the last three days. I may be a hoarder when it comes to time with my hubby, but that doesn't cut it for me.
It's all the little things that are building up. Adding up. Creating a small mountain. Weighing my spirits down and leaving me feeling quite overwhelmed. It didn't occur to me that part of my troubles is a lack of rest. Not until this evening. I had been talking to my friend Chrissy about my stress and she said to come over. So this afternoon after work I went over. And I sat down. Truly sat down. Not a sit-down-and-continue-working-on-something. A sit-down-and-do-nothing. It's been a while since I've done that. And it dawned on me that I'm not doing enough of it.
Suddenly the big things were smaller. Everything could wait. And I didn't want to move. It was glorious. In that moment, I realized that I needed more quiet time, more God time, in my life. And that when things calm down a bit and my responsibilities decrease a bit, I need to be more careful about what I commit myself to time wise in the future.
I used to handle a crazy busy schedule with ease. But as I'm experiencing now, I was always stressed, frequently ill, nearly never available for my friends/family, and just barely getting by. It was not a healthy way for me to live. And I can't keep that lifestyle up. It's just not right for me anymore.
So I'm looking forward to some changes in my life. Changing where I spend my time. How I spend my time. With whom I spend my time. I just have to get through this season first!
Sunday, July 26, 2015
Sunday, July 12, 2015
Stream of Consciousness
The quiet hum of the AC unit outside the window is comforting -- a little white noise to go behind the lilting melodies of the Pandora Nature station that's playing softly from my night stand. The soft glow of my lamp casts a comfortable atmosphere on the room, a room that when fully lit is actually more like chaos, as you can truly see all the boxes and piles of clothes and toiletries and socks and things that still have yet to find a home. But in the soft glow of my quiet lamp, those things somehow seem smaller, practically non-existant. I'm not complaining about the change in attitude. From demanding my attention to patiently waiting for their turn.
My To Do list grows as I lay in bed. My brain refusing to enter power save mode to make way for sleep. Too much to do, it has decided. Don't forget this... Don't forget that... I jot them down on my reminders just to appease my OCD brain, praying that it will quiet it's noise. Because the white noise of the AC unit and the Pandora Nature station is only just now starting to make any impact.
Every now and then, blips of TV noise make its way down the hallway and under the door to my ears. The husband is enjoying his newly delivered man chair and TV and a cold beer before bed. Nothing like a night cap and a motorcycle TV show to unwind.
I lie here in bed, my heart singing with gratitude and praise to God. For this day. For his work in my life. For his provision. For his blessings. How great is our God?!
Finally... The eyes are getting heavy. The AC shuts off. The lilting piano melody continues to hypnotize me away from the world and my own brain and into dream land...
My To Do list grows as I lay in bed. My brain refusing to enter power save mode to make way for sleep. Too much to do, it has decided. Don't forget this... Don't forget that... I jot them down on my reminders just to appease my OCD brain, praying that it will quiet it's noise. Because the white noise of the AC unit and the Pandora Nature station is only just now starting to make any impact.
Every now and then, blips of TV noise make its way down the hallway and under the door to my ears. The husband is enjoying his newly delivered man chair and TV and a cold beer before bed. Nothing like a night cap and a motorcycle TV show to unwind.
I lie here in bed, my heart singing with gratitude and praise to God. For this day. For his work in my life. For his provision. For his blessings. How great is our God?!
Finally... The eyes are getting heavy. The AC shuts off. The lilting piano melody continues to hypnotize me away from the world and my own brain and into dream land...
What a whirlwind these last few weeks have been... It's been a race to find a house and buy a house before our loan rates expired. And I'm pleased to report that we made the deadline :) As I write this post, I am sitting in my bed in my new house, marveling in what we have done and what God has done for us. I'm so exhausted that I can't sleep, so I blog...
I have roots, for the first time in 10 years. Literally. 12 moves in 10 years. And for the first time since I graduated high school, I have roots. That's so huge.
For the first time in 10 years I am not a migrant, going where the work/school is. I'm not a wanderer. I'm not a gypsy. I'm not living in question as to how much longer it will be before I have to move again. My life suddenly became more concrete. More permanent. Less temporary. Less "keep my finger in the hole of the damn."
And suddenly, I'm dying to have local employment. Suddenly, the 50 minute commute is bothersome. Suddenly, I'm noticing what my work environment is really like. Suddenly, I'm questioning why I stayed so long. The blinders have come off.
So now the job hunt begins... For something more local, more convenient, to create roots to match the roots of my home.
I have roots, for the first time in 10 years. Literally. 12 moves in 10 years. And for the first time since I graduated high school, I have roots. That's so huge.
For the first time in 10 years I am not a migrant, going where the work/school is. I'm not a wanderer. I'm not a gypsy. I'm not living in question as to how much longer it will be before I have to move again. My life suddenly became more concrete. More permanent. Less temporary. Less "keep my finger in the hole of the damn."
And suddenly, I'm dying to have local employment. Suddenly, the 50 minute commute is bothersome. Suddenly, I'm noticing what my work environment is really like. Suddenly, I'm questioning why I stayed so long. The blinders have come off.
So now the job hunt begins... For something more local, more convenient, to create roots to match the roots of my home.
Friday, June 26, 2015
Pause from Packing
We come closer and closer every day to finally closing on our first home. It's a rat race to cross all the t's and dot all the i's and get everything in line and ready on the business end. Heck, not just the business end. It's a rat race getting everything done for this!! I have been packing a little bit every day for a week now. And I still feel like there's so much more that needs to be packed! Yet the progress is slow because we're still living here. I don't want to live out of a suitcase but so much. By the same token, I also don't want to be scrambling but so much on moving day! LoL.
Regardless of how crazy and confusing this is, my excitement is undeniable. My gratitude to God for making this path available to us is unquestionable.
Now to find something else I can pack up...
Regardless of how crazy and confusing this is, my excitement is undeniable. My gratitude to God for making this path available to us is unquestionable.
Now to find something else I can pack up...
Matthew 19
Today, the Supreme Court of the United States legalized gay marriage in all states of the nation. My facebook blew up with love and happiness for the gays, everyone expressing excitement over the gays being given the right to marry.
I loved all the positivity. How could anyone not love such an out pouring of love and happiness and excitement?! But I was also very conflicted.
I know so very many people who are gay -- and I love them. Each of them. I do not agree with their lifestyle, I don't understand it. But I love them regardless. Because this is what my Heavenly Father does for me. He loves me unconditionally even though I flub it up every single day, multiple times a day. He knows my heart is pure and true, and that my faith is in Him. So I pass along that grace, love, and forgiveness to those around me. Even with people I don't "like" (our personalities are like oil and water), I still love and respect them as individuals. I just recognize that that person and I aren't a good fit relationally.
So I'm happy that my gay friends are happy. I don't want them or anyone to feel "less than" or "unloved" or "uncared for."
But my faith conflicts this ruling. I didn't know that SCOTUS was ruling on gay marriage this week, this month, let alone today. And just this morning, I was reading my Bible (like I try to do a few times a week) and was continuing my study in Matthew chapter 19...
(4)"Haven't you read," he replied, "that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female,' and said 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate." (ending with verse 6)
God tells me that heterosexual marriage is his plan. That homosexual marriage is man's plan for marriage. But God also tells me not to love everyone. So I will. I will continue to love "the gays".
I post this not to spread hate, because I don't hate. I post this because it's confusing to me. To help me sort through it all and come to a place where I feel like I have a stance and a position.
I loved all the positivity. How could anyone not love such an out pouring of love and happiness and excitement?! But I was also very conflicted.
I know so very many people who are gay -- and I love them. Each of them. I do not agree with their lifestyle, I don't understand it. But I love them regardless. Because this is what my Heavenly Father does for me. He loves me unconditionally even though I flub it up every single day, multiple times a day. He knows my heart is pure and true, and that my faith is in Him. So I pass along that grace, love, and forgiveness to those around me. Even with people I don't "like" (our personalities are like oil and water), I still love and respect them as individuals. I just recognize that that person and I aren't a good fit relationally.
So I'm happy that my gay friends are happy. I don't want them or anyone to feel "less than" or "unloved" or "uncared for."
But my faith conflicts this ruling. I didn't know that SCOTUS was ruling on gay marriage this week, this month, let alone today. And just this morning, I was reading my Bible (like I try to do a few times a week) and was continuing my study in Matthew chapter 19...
(4)"Haven't you read," he replied, "that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female,' and said 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate." (ending with verse 6)
God tells me that heterosexual marriage is his plan. That homosexual marriage is man's plan for marriage. But God also tells me not to love everyone. So I will. I will continue to love "the gays".
I post this not to spread hate, because I don't hate. I post this because it's confusing to me. To help me sort through it all and come to a place where I feel like I have a stance and a position.
Tuesday, June 23, 2015
Jealous No More
I grew up in a pretty "normal" sized family. In our house, it was just my parents, me, and my little sister (about a year and a half younger than me). Occasionally we had the pet -- a rabbit for a while before my parents got over their fear of having an animal and kids, a dog, then a second dog, then two dogs and a cat (still hate that cat). But it was really a normal sized family. I was the oldest of the two children, and my sister and I were the only grand children on my Dad's side of the family (always have been, always will be at this point).
Growing up, I was always jealous of my little sister. In middle school she developed such style and confidence - things I definitely didn't have. She had the prettiest clothes (much prettier than mine because remember, I didn't develop style. Still not sure that I have! LoL). She kept things in her room so organized and neat and pretty. She learned how to do her make up (again, I still just stick to the basics) and her hair (she has such beautiful thick hair while mine was and still is so thin). Mom always took her shopping and bought her stuff. She got an iPod years before I did. She got into pop music and rap music and was always up on what was new and cool. She hung out with the popular kids in her grade at school. In high school she was always going out, partying, living. Meanwhile I was the nerdy sister who preferred to stay at home. She was the apple of our mother's eye, and Mom doted (and still dotes) on her. Anything Meghan wanted, Meghan got where my Mom was concerned. And I didn't get that same doting love. I got a hairdryer for my 16th birthday. That was the most graciously received hair dryer in this worlds history.
Even in college, when I was excelling and growing and maturing and becoming the woman who led to who I am, and she was failing and floundering and stagnating and even back pedaling, I was still jealous of her. Jealous of her confidence, style, things, the care-free attitude, her popularity, being considered the favorite.
It wasn't until this weekend that I realized just how ridiculous my jealousy has been. I spent a weekend with my grandparents, and between my sweet and precious time with them and my time at church (where he preached on sins of the flesh, which include envy/jealousy), I realized that my jealousy was unfounded. I was jealous of a girl who is my sister first and foremost. Who I should be rooting for and encouraging, not looking at with the side eye. And besides that, we are two totally different people, with two totally different experiences with life.
Then I looked a little more superficially at who I was jealous of versus who I am. And doing so freed me of my jealousy. Because I began realizing just how awesome I am. I began recognizing what I have accomplished (two college degrees, a full scholarship, baptism and re-birth, purchasing a car, paying down my debt, investing for my future). Where I am going in life. What I am doing in life (a full time job in a field that I love to pieces, a part time job that is challenging me in all the good ways, we're buying a house). Who I have in my life (GOD! a husband, a ton of loyal/deep/rich friendships, an extended in law family who have accepted me as a part of their family). And those are things that she doesn't have. I may not be super trendy in my wardrobe. I may not be my mother's favorite. But I am a dynamic, intelligent, kind, responsible, and grounded woman who is the daughter of the one true King (God) and I (just like all of his children) am his favorite. And I love that about me.
Growing up, I was always jealous of my little sister. In middle school she developed such style and confidence - things I definitely didn't have. She had the prettiest clothes (much prettier than mine because remember, I didn't develop style. Still not sure that I have! LoL). She kept things in her room so organized and neat and pretty. She learned how to do her make up (again, I still just stick to the basics) and her hair (she has such beautiful thick hair while mine was and still is so thin). Mom always took her shopping and bought her stuff. She got an iPod years before I did. She got into pop music and rap music and was always up on what was new and cool. She hung out with the popular kids in her grade at school. In high school she was always going out, partying, living. Meanwhile I was the nerdy sister who preferred to stay at home. She was the apple of our mother's eye, and Mom doted (and still dotes) on her. Anything Meghan wanted, Meghan got where my Mom was concerned. And I didn't get that same doting love. I got a hairdryer for my 16th birthday. That was the most graciously received hair dryer in this worlds history.
Even in college, when I was excelling and growing and maturing and becoming the woman who led to who I am, and she was failing and floundering and stagnating and even back pedaling, I was still jealous of her. Jealous of her confidence, style, things, the care-free attitude, her popularity, being considered the favorite.
It wasn't until this weekend that I realized just how ridiculous my jealousy has been. I spent a weekend with my grandparents, and between my sweet and precious time with them and my time at church (where he preached on sins of the flesh, which include envy/jealousy), I realized that my jealousy was unfounded. I was jealous of a girl who is my sister first and foremost. Who I should be rooting for and encouraging, not looking at with the side eye. And besides that, we are two totally different people, with two totally different experiences with life.
Then I looked a little more superficially at who I was jealous of versus who I am. And doing so freed me of my jealousy. Because I began realizing just how awesome I am. I began recognizing what I have accomplished (two college degrees, a full scholarship, baptism and re-birth, purchasing a car, paying down my debt, investing for my future). Where I am going in life. What I am doing in life (a full time job in a field that I love to pieces, a part time job that is challenging me in all the good ways, we're buying a house). Who I have in my life (GOD! a husband, a ton of loyal/deep/rich friendships, an extended in law family who have accepted me as a part of their family). And those are things that she doesn't have. I may not be super trendy in my wardrobe. I may not be my mother's favorite. But I am a dynamic, intelligent, kind, responsible, and grounded woman who is the daughter of the one true King (God) and I (just like all of his children) am his favorite. And I love that about me.
Sunday, June 21, 2015
Work.
Here of late, I have really been struggling at work. Struggling to maintain a positive attitude when I am surrounded by stress, demands, and conflicting personalities, all of whom want help (from me and everyone else). In the past, this has occurred but I was able to brush it off, work a little harder, stick really close to God, and get through it without being much worse for the wear. But this time, I have not been successful in that same vein. I have failed miserably, falling into my own negative and snappy attitude, feeling full of angst and annoyance. I'm ashamed of my behavior. Yet as much as I have tried to start each day fresh at work for the last two or three weeks, I haven't been able to overcome any of this. It was so bad that I was hating work and was wondering if this was the sign I needed to begin seriously job hunting closer to home...
I wasn't able to get to church tonight (let's just say I got a little enthusiastic about completing laundry and decided to wash both of my bras simultaneously, rendering them wet and unavailable for church), so I was able to experience the live online streaming feature that they offer. I'd never experienced church this way before, and I'll admit that it required me to police myself a bit more to avoid distractions (new window on the computer for facebook, phone, etc), but I was so grateful to have this option available. Before church began, I just prayed and prayed that I would get some direction in the service/sermon for work.
And Pastor Greg did not disappoint. Although his sermon wasn't directed at my work issues, the verses he pulled were appropriate. Galatians 5:16-26 is the passage that he primarily drew from, discussing the fight of Spirit vs. Flesh and what is permissible/holy/acceptable and what is not.
This verse was certainly not foreign to me. Many pastors pull this scripture when discussing improper behavior, namely to discuss and discourage pre-marital sex, adultery, violence, & alcohol/drunkenness. But I had not really paid much attention to the other behaviors that Paul lists that are acts of the flesh: discord, fits of rage, dissensions, factions, envy, and selfish ambition.
Wow. I mean... This perfectly describes my workplace environment right now (discord, dissensions, factions, envy, and selfish ambition). Proof positive that the environment I'm finding myself in at work is bad, negative, not good, not Godly. But these adjectives can also be applied to my own behavior/attitudes lately: fits of rage (complaining, asking my coworkers to let me "bitch" and "vent" for a moment), envy (why does she get a break and I don't??), selfish ambition (I shouldn't have to work later than her. I shouldn't have to be stuck with her suckiest patients.). And these behaviors I've engaged in have not exactly helped the atmosphere of discord...
Ghandi did always say that you have to be the change you wish to see in the (workplace). Le sigh.
I really really really need an attitude adjustment now. I really really really need to change my perspective and my approach. I need to change the language that my heart is speaking these days.
Well Pastor Greg didn't leave me hanging...
17 For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! 18 So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever. - 2 Corinthians 4: 17-18
This is the language I should be speaking. Does it suck to be in this situation at work where we are inundated with patients and seemingly always short staffed? Absolutely. But this will not last. And if I respond to these troubles with God's language and God's way, the glory I bring to him and the peace I bring to the office will outweigh the troubles and will last longer. Instead of focusing on my present "misery" (I use the quotation marks because although my work situation is miserable to me, it would probably be heaven to someone else much less fortunate than I), I need to shift my attention to God's will, God's way, God's needs, God's calling. And God's calling for me right now is this profession. I need to trust him in this.
33 I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.” - John 16:33
I wasn't able to get to church tonight (let's just say I got a little enthusiastic about completing laundry and decided to wash both of my bras simultaneously, rendering them wet and unavailable for church), so I was able to experience the live online streaming feature that they offer. I'd never experienced church this way before, and I'll admit that it required me to police myself a bit more to avoid distractions (new window on the computer for facebook, phone, etc), but I was so grateful to have this option available. Before church began, I just prayed and prayed that I would get some direction in the service/sermon for work.
And Pastor Greg did not disappoint. Although his sermon wasn't directed at my work issues, the verses he pulled were appropriate. Galatians 5:16-26 is the passage that he primarily drew from, discussing the fight of Spirit vs. Flesh and what is permissible/holy/acceptable and what is not.
This verse was certainly not foreign to me. Many pastors pull this scripture when discussing improper behavior, namely to discuss and discourage pre-marital sex, adultery, violence, & alcohol/drunkenness. But I had not really paid much attention to the other behaviors that Paul lists that are acts of the flesh: discord, fits of rage, dissensions, factions, envy, and selfish ambition.
Wow. I mean... This perfectly describes my workplace environment right now (discord, dissensions, factions, envy, and selfish ambition). Proof positive that the environment I'm finding myself in at work is bad, negative, not good, not Godly. But these adjectives can also be applied to my own behavior/attitudes lately: fits of rage (complaining, asking my coworkers to let me "bitch" and "vent" for a moment), envy (why does she get a break and I don't??), selfish ambition (I shouldn't have to work later than her. I shouldn't have to be stuck with her suckiest patients.). And these behaviors I've engaged in have not exactly helped the atmosphere of discord...
Ghandi did always say that you have to be the change you wish to see in the (workplace). Le sigh.
I really really really need an attitude adjustment now. I really really really need to change my perspective and my approach. I need to change the language that my heart is speaking these days.
Well Pastor Greg didn't leave me hanging...
17 For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! 18 So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever. - 2 Corinthians 4: 17-18
This is the language I should be speaking. Does it suck to be in this situation at work where we are inundated with patients and seemingly always short staffed? Absolutely. But this will not last. And if I respond to these troubles with God's language and God's way, the glory I bring to him and the peace I bring to the office will outweigh the troubles and will last longer. Instead of focusing on my present "misery" (I use the quotation marks because although my work situation is miserable to me, it would probably be heaven to someone else much less fortunate than I), I need to shift my attention to God's will, God's way, God's needs, God's calling. And God's calling for me right now is this profession. I need to trust him in this.
33 I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.” - John 16:33
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