Old Dog, New Tricks?

You know, I tend to be my own worst enemy when it comes to guys and relationships.

Much of this, however, stems from the guys I've dated/been with in the past.  When a girl has been exposed to nothing but good-for-nothing boyfriends all her life, it sets a precedence in her mind about what to expect for all future men/relationships.  And those precedences/habits are very hard to break--not many men want to hang around to try and "prove" that they aren't like the ones before; it requires too much time and work on their part.  And I think we can all agree that men are completely and totally impatient--this is no exception.

I think I've finally found a nice guy (I put it in italics because everytime I start to date a new guy, I'm convinced he's a nice guy.  And then a few months later they do a 180 and suddenly they are anything but a nice guy.).  He understands my apprehension, is willing to wait for intimacy, and is always checking to see if I'm comfortable with how things are.  Very conscientious, right?

And yet I'm still paranoid, still worried, still apprehensive, still scared.

I know the right guy will prove himself.  Yadda yadda yadda.  But if I'm managing to psych myself out, and that really isn't helping the situation.  I just wish the paranoia, worry, apprehension, and fear would be less of my primary focus...

So in High School, I was an avid reader and an even more active writer.  I loved to write -- poetry, stories, everything.  It was my emotional outlet.  I filled journal after journal of thoughts, images, plots...  I ate books like they were oxygen -- necessary for my very survival.

And I don't do either of those things anymore -- finding a good book to read is near impossible it seems, and attempting to write anything is like trying to strain mashed potatoes.

I miss them both.

I picked up Elizabeth Gilbert's novel "Committed" and started reading it today -- I love this author.  I read "Eat, Pray, Love" long before it was a movie or a mega-hit (only after it was a medium hit) and it was so inspiring.  I love how she writes about her life.  Draws me in like a magnet and makes me want to write again.

But it has been so long since I've done any writing that I don't even remember how to begin.

1 1/2 cups crushed iced
2-1 ounce shots of espresso OR use 3/4 cup of double strength (strong) coffee mixed with 1/2 cup of milk and increased crushed iced amount by 1/4 cup.
3/4 cup your choice of milk
3 tablespoons sugar (more or less depending on preference)
optional whipped cream in a can or freshly made and chocolate syrup
Instructions
Blend all the ingredients except the whipped cream in a blender for 30-45 seconds. Pour into a tall glass and top off with whipped cream and garnish with chocolate syrup. Best served with a straw. Enjoy!
Notes
Mocha Frappuccino Variation: Prepare everything the same as a regular Frappuccino (recipe above) except reduce sugar to 2 tablespoons and add 2 tablespoons of chocolate syrup. Enjoy!

**Other Variations**
*Use Splenda, flavored coffee syrups, or flavored coffee creamers for a portion of the milk. For a richer beverage, use half and half, or heavy cream for a portion of the milk.

I don't have time to maintain these regrets

Sometimes moving on is hard.  Sometimes it's not as hard as you make it out to be.  Sometimes all it takes is realizing -- truly realizing -- that what you're holding onto is a big old piece of shitty shit shit and that there's no reason to hold onto it.  And sometimes, all that's required to reach that realization is desperation -- desperation to move on and meet new people.

I went on a first date Thursday.  It was absolutely all I needed.

That one date (and subsequent conversations and future date planning :-D)... It opened my eyes to the reality of the type of guys I've dated in the past: assholes.  There's no other way to say it.

I have no idea if this new guy will develop into anything -- I'm just taking it one date at a time and making sure I get to know him before I make any sort of decision or commitment (including no kissing for a while).  But even if it doesn't, I have most definitely raised my standards for men!

The last remaining thing I was holding onto found its proper home after that date! :-D



I can't tell you how happy I am that I have finally been able to let go... The most freeing feeling ever.  No longer am I trapped by sadness, guilt, ugliness, or inferiority.

Tumblr and other Topics

So out of pure curiosity, I started a Tumblr account ( http://blairkl.tumblr.com/ ) recently.  And let me tell you -- I've found it to be incredibly interesting!!!  It's very easy to use, and has been an excellent way for me to explore some topics I'm interested and to find some really great blogs.  Particularly about health information, tips, and hot topics.  LOVE it!  And I'm also using it for some much more casual blogging (because I have no life and no friends so I blog haha).  So check it out!  It's really interesting!!! A cross betweeen blogger, facebook, and twitter.

On my tumblr, I shared an email that my friend Kelley sent to me  ( http://blairkl.tumblr.com/post/6358587926/untie-the-rope ).  This one email has validated and inspired many of my decisions lately.  It validated the tattoo (which I still love by the way!).  It inspired a hair cut (Chris had asked me to grow it out when he was gone, so this was kind of another freeing experience.  And I love it too!).  And it also inspired me to suggest a move out date to my Mom this afternoon.

I am proud of myself for standing up for myself to my Mom, who has settled into my apartment and gotten so comfortable that she never thought I'd ask her to leave.  She was obviously surprised when I said it, but I gave her two months notice so she could have time to figure things out.  I asked if it was enough time and she responded "I'll make it be enough time."  sigh.

It's hard not letting her guilt trip get to me.  I understand her position and her fear and her anxiety, but the fact is, like the email said:  She's not functioning on my level nor does she want to help herself so I can't help her anymore and I need to untie that rope and let her life be her life.  I don't want her to be homeless or live in her car or anything horrible like that -- she's my Mom and I care about what happens to her.  But she cannot depend on me.  She is at an age where she should be capable of caring for herself.  And she needs to do that.  And unfortunately, she's put me in a position where I have to make decisions like that.  I wish she hadn't, but it is what it is.

I've done what I could to give her a leg up in life and to give her some extra time to put her life together.  It was suppossed to be a one month long event, and by the end of July she will have had five months.  I just simply can't anymore.

I love her.  I wish the best for her.  I want to help her and I want her to succeed (and I wish I could have been there to help her make it happen).  But it's time.

A Haircut

Today I got a haircut.  Last week I got a tattoo.  The past 30 days I've lost five pounds.  This season I've fallen in love, had my heart broken (twice by the same man), opened my heart and home to a couch surfer (in the form of my mom), re-discovered God, and started a new career path.  This year I uprooted my life and moved to a new town where I knew no one, had no idea who I was (still don't think I do), and really had no opinions on anything.

Life is truly an adventure, and you just simply never know where you're going to be or what's going to happen.  There are only a few constants -- family (which includes friends that are so close they're like family), God, and change (which some may see as 'ruined plans' but I am learning to embrace as God's blessings).

Today's haircut may not seem like an important change.  And in the scheme of life, it isn't.  But it was a big day.  When Chris and I dated and before he left, he asked me to grow my hair out for him.  I agreed.  Cutting it today and doing something because I wanted to do it -- it was a beginning on a whole new lease on life.   Seeing the lifeless, dead, and dry strands of my hair be cut from me and fall to the floor, to feel the lightness that came afterwards -- nothing can replace a long overdue and desperately needed hair cut.  It was a final "fuck you".  An embrace of myself and my natural beauty (I look so much better with shoulder length hair; anything longer just looks poofy, lifeless, and shapeless).  A new spring to my step.  And yes, the boost of confidence turned some heads today :)

Life is an adventure, and something as small as a haircut can be a pretty big part of that adventure.

Culinary Success!!

This was the main showing of my dinner tonight: a light, fresh, crispy, and delicious summer salad.

Lately, I have been loving the idea of eating clean -- eating foods as close to their pure state as possible, with as few excessive ingredients as possible.  And this dish was a testement to how delicious, easy, and filling this concept can be.

Chopped Cucumber

Chopped Tomato

Fresh green beans, al dente cooked

Garbanzo beans (rinsed from the can, not cooked)

Peas (not cooked, frozen)

Fresh corn cut off the cob (no butter)

Toss with a little italian salad dressing (just enough to lightly coat) and crushed black pepper.

YUM