Pause from Packing

We come closer and closer every day to finally closing on our first home.  It's a rat race to cross all the t's and dot all the i's and get everything in line and ready on the business end.  Heck, not just the business end.  It's a rat race getting everything done for this!!  I have been packing a little bit every day for a week now.  And I still feel like there's so much more that needs to be packed!  Yet the progress is slow because we're still living here.  I don't want to live out of a suitcase but so much. By the same token, I also don't want to be scrambling but so much on moving day!  LoL.

Regardless of how crazy and confusing this is, my excitement is undeniable.  My gratitude to God for making this path available to us is unquestionable.

Now to find something else I can pack up...

Matthew 19

Today, the Supreme Court of the United States legalized gay marriage in all states of the nation.  My facebook blew up with love and happiness for the gays, everyone expressing excitement over the gays being given the right to marry.

I loved all the positivity.  How could anyone not love such an out pouring of love and happiness and excitement?!  But I was also very conflicted.

I know so very many people who are gay -- and I love them.  Each of them.  I do not agree with their lifestyle, I don't understand it.  But I love them regardless.  Because this is what my Heavenly Father does for me.  He loves me unconditionally even though I flub it up every single day, multiple times a day.  He knows my heart is pure and true, and that my faith is in Him.  So I pass along that grace, love, and forgiveness to those around me.  Even with people I don't "like" (our personalities are like oil and water), I still love and respect them as individuals.  I just recognize that that person and I aren't a good fit relationally.

So I'm happy that my gay friends are happy.  I don't want them or anyone to feel "less than" or "unloved" or "uncared for."

But my faith conflicts this ruling.  I didn't know that SCOTUS was ruling on gay marriage this week, this month, let alone today.  And just this morning, I was reading my Bible (like I try to do a few times a week) and was continuing my study in Matthew chapter 19...

(4)"Haven't you read," he replied, "that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female,' and said 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'? So they are no longer two, but one flesh.  Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate." (ending with verse 6)

God tells me that heterosexual marriage is his plan.  That homosexual marriage is man's plan for marriage.  But God also tells me not to love everyone.  So I will. I will continue to love "the gays".

I post this not to spread hate, because I don't hate.  I post this because it's confusing to me.  To help me sort through it all and come to a place where I feel like I have a stance and a position.

Jealous No More

I grew up in a pretty "normal" sized family.  In our house, it was just my parents, me, and my little sister (about a year and a half younger than me).  Occasionally we had the pet -- a rabbit for a while before my parents got over their fear of having an animal and kids, a dog, then a second dog, then two dogs and a cat (still hate that cat).  But it was really a normal sized family.  I was the oldest of the two children, and my sister and I were the only grand children on my Dad's side of the family (always have been, always will be at this point).

Growing up, I was always jealous of my little sister.  In middle school she developed such style and confidence - things I definitely didn't have.  She had the prettiest clothes (much prettier than mine because remember, I didn't develop style. Still not sure that I have! LoL).  She kept things in her room so organized and neat and pretty.  She learned how to do her make up (again, I still just stick to the basics) and her hair (she has such beautiful thick hair while mine was and still is so thin).  Mom always took her shopping and bought her stuff.  She got an iPod years before I did.  She got into pop music and rap music and was always up on what was new and cool.  She hung out with the popular kids in her grade at school.  In high school she was always going out, partying, living.  Meanwhile I was the nerdy sister who preferred to stay at home.  She was the apple of our mother's eye, and Mom doted (and still dotes) on her.  Anything Meghan wanted, Meghan got where my Mom was concerned.  And I didn't get that same doting love.  I got a hairdryer for my 16th birthday.  That was the most graciously received hair dryer in this worlds history.

Even in college, when I was excelling and growing and maturing and becoming the woman who led to who I am, and she was failing and floundering and stagnating and even back pedaling, I was still jealous of her.  Jealous of her confidence, style, things, the care-free attitude, her popularity, being considered the favorite.

It wasn't until this weekend that I realized just how ridiculous my jealousy has been.  I spent a weekend with my grandparents, and between my sweet and precious time with them and my time at church (where he preached on sins of the flesh, which include envy/jealousy), I realized that my jealousy was unfounded.  I was jealous of a girl who is my sister first and foremost.  Who I should be rooting for and encouraging, not looking at with the side eye.  And besides that, we are two totally different people, with two totally different experiences with life.

Then I looked a little more superficially at who I was jealous of versus who I am.  And doing so freed me of my jealousy.  Because I began realizing just how awesome I am.  I began recognizing what I have accomplished (two college degrees, a full scholarship, baptism and re-birth, purchasing a car, paying down my debt, investing for my future).  Where I am going in life.  What I am doing in life (a full time job in a field that I love to pieces, a part time job that is challenging me in all the good ways, we're buying a house).  Who I have in my life (GOD! a husband, a ton of loyal/deep/rich friendships, an extended in law family who have accepted me as a part of their family).  And those are things that she doesn't have.  I may not be super trendy in my wardrobe.  I may not be my mother's favorite.  But I am a dynamic, intelligent, kind, responsible, and grounded woman who is the daughter of the one true King (God) and I (just like all of his children) am his favorite.  And I love that about me.

Work.

Here of late, I have really been struggling at work.  Struggling to maintain a positive attitude when I am surrounded by stress, demands, and conflicting personalities, all of whom want help (from me and everyone else).  In the past, this has occurred but I was able to brush it off, work a little harder, stick really close to God, and get through it without being much worse for the wear.  But this time, I have not been successful in that same vein.  I have failed miserably, falling into my own negative and snappy attitude, feeling full of angst and annoyance.  I'm ashamed of my behavior.  Yet as much as I have tried to start each day fresh at work for the last two or three weeks, I haven't been able to overcome any of this.  It was so bad that I was hating work and was wondering if this was the sign I needed to begin seriously job hunting closer to home...

I wasn't able to get to church tonight (let's just say I got a little enthusiastic about completing laundry and decided to wash both of my bras simultaneously, rendering them wet and unavailable for church), so I was able to experience the live online streaming feature that they offer.  I'd never experienced church this way before, and I'll admit that it required me to police myself a bit more to avoid distractions (new window on the computer for facebook, phone, etc), but I was so grateful to have this option available.  Before church began, I just prayed and prayed that I would get some direction in the service/sermon for work.

And Pastor Greg did not disappoint.  Although his sermon wasn't directed at my work issues, the verses he pulled were appropriate.  Galatians 5:16-26 is the passage that he primarily drew from, discussing the fight of Spirit vs. Flesh and what is permissible/holy/acceptable and what is not.

This verse was certainly not foreign to me.  Many pastors pull this scripture when discussing improper behavior, namely to discuss and discourage pre-marital sex, adultery, violence, & alcohol/drunkenness.  But I had not really paid much attention to the other behaviors that Paul lists that are acts of the flesh: discord, fits of rage, dissensions, factions, envy, and selfish ambition.

Wow. I mean... This perfectly describes my workplace environment right now (discord, dissensions, factions, envy, and selfish ambition). Proof positive that the environment I'm finding myself in at work is bad, negative, not good, not Godly.  But these adjectives can also be applied to my own behavior/attitudes lately: fits of rage (complaining, asking my coworkers to let me "bitch" and "vent" for a moment), envy (why does she get a break and I don't??), selfish ambition (I shouldn't have to work later than her.  I shouldn't have to be stuck with her suckiest patients.).  And these behaviors I've engaged in have not exactly helped the atmosphere of discord...

Ghandi did always say that you have to be the change you wish to see in the (workplace).  Le sigh.
I really really really need an attitude adjustment now.  I really really really need to change my perspective and my approach.  I need to change the language that my heart is speaking these days.

Well Pastor Greg didn't leave me hanging...

17 For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! 18 So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever. - 2 Corinthians 4: 17-18

This is the language I should be speaking.  Does it suck to be in this situation at work where we are inundated with patients and seemingly always short staffed?  Absolutely.  But this will not last.  And if I respond to these troubles with God's language and God's way, the glory I bring to him and the peace I bring to the office will outweigh the troubles and will last longer.  Instead of focusing on my present "misery" (I use the quotation marks because although my work situation is miserable to me, it would probably be heaven to someone else much less fortunate than I), I need to shift my attention to God's will, God's way, God's needs, God's calling.  And God's calling for me right now is this profession.  I need to trust him in this.

33 I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.” - John 16:33

The Hunt - Is it Over?

In the last 9 years, I have moved 10 times.  Sometimes twice in one year.  There were only two years during the last 9 years (and they were non-consecutive two years) that I didn't have at least one move.   I haven't had true roots or a true home since I graduated high school and moved out of my childhood home.  Even in college where I returned home for the first two summers, my childhood home was crumbling emotionally and physically so even that didn't feel like home anymore.

Then I met Daniel, and home became less about a place but more about being with a person.  And for the last four years, being with him was home.  But now we are exiting the phase where that's "enough."  Now we are entering the phase where we are desperate for roots.  For a place of our own.  To settle.  To not just exist from place to place but to live and grow and love.

I am excited to announce that about a two months ago we began the ever frustrating and ever confusing process of house hunting.  I have lost track of how many houses we've viewed in person, and there are countless houses that we've considered online.  We put a bid on a foreclosure but lost the bid.  That was the first huge heart break.  Then a month after that, we put an offer on a house that was "okay" and "would do," and in hidsight we can identify that we did so because we felt totally defeated after hunting and hunting and hunting and not finding what we were wanting.  We felt like our expectations were too high so we felt like we had to settle.  So we did.  And the closer we got to closing on that house, the worse we felt about going through on the deal.  In our hearts we didn't feel like it was the right choice.  So in the 11th hour we decided to walk from that house.

We felt horrible for letting the sellers down and for having put them through everything only to walk away.  But it was what we had to do because it was what was right for us.  We couldn't buy a house just to make someone else feel better.  It was a very emotional decision, wrought with tears and sadness.  Heartbreak number two.

It was back to the hunt.  That afternoon we found out that we had less than a month to find another house before our loan expired.  Could we get another loan offer? Absolutely.  But it would come with a higher interest rate and we'd lose over $2,000 in discounts.  So it wasn't just back to the hunt.  It was a racing hunt.

Our realtor sent us lists of dozens of houses to look into online and we were ruthless.  "Yes" "No" "Yes" "Yes" "Maybe."  We scheduled viewings for the weekend.

Wednesday night Daniel was working and I was on my own.  I went to check our PO Box and decided to just ride around a little bit and see if I could find some houses for sale and check out neighborhoods.  I stumbled upon a neighborhood I'd never been in before.  It wasn't huge, and was just tucked away from the busy streets.  The houses were cute and the neighborhood was quiet.  It was a mix of families, middle aged, and elderly.  It felt perfect.  And there were a few houses for sale that had flyers -- but they were priced waaaay above our price range.  My heart fell and I went home.  That clearly wasn't going to be a neighborhood that was going to work out.

And then Thursday morning our realtor sent me a single listing.  It was in our price range.  It literally had EVERYTHING we wanted in a house.  It was beautiful.  It was perfect.  It was in the neighborhood I had driven through just the night before.  It was listed Thursday morning.

We were desperate for a viewing.  We wondered if we even needed a viewing (it was that perfect) and if we should just make an offer sight un-seen.  But I knew that at the least Daniel needed to go look at it (he's the pickier of the two of us when it comes to house hunting).  So he and the realtor went Friday morning.  We put an offer in Friday afternoon, an offer both our realtor and the sellers realtor were convinced that they would either outright reject or counter.  And much to our surprise, the sellers accepted our offer!

So we are under contract!!

Pinch me.  Because this is unreal to me.  Every single part of this house has been God's work.  The fact that I'd ridden through this neighborhood just the night before.  The fact that we were the first viewing.  The fact that they accepted our offer that was under their asking price (and their asking price was way under-valuing the house) and included them paying closing costs.  The fact that they accepted our offer even though they had three other showings scheduled that weekend (and may have gotten a better offer).  The fact that the house has EVERYTHING.  The fact that the house is in our budget.  Just thinking about all of it... It brings tears to my eyes because this can't be coincidince.  This is God's work in our lives.  This is God's provision.  This is God's gift of hope, joy, encouragement, and love.  This would not have occurred without his timing and his interference.  My heart is so full just realizing that he cares about something so small as our house.  About not just providing for our basic needs, but for our comfort and simple pleasure/enjoyment.  He has so much to attend to, but he took the time to find us a house.  A home.  Roots.  The object of our hearts right now.

God is good all the time.
All the time God is good.
Praise!!

So now we pray that it doesn't fall through.  We pray for a quick process.  And God willing, we will be moving within a month!  Hopefully the last move for a good long time. :) :)

Committed

I have finally found the desire and inspiration to begin reading again. I used to be such a book worm, devouring book after book -- I think as an adolescent I kept the high school library in business single handedly :-p

But when I went off to college, reading for pleasure took a back seat to school work and partying.  My attention to novels was dismal.  And ever since then, it has really been a struggle to return to my reading ways.  That is, until I found a used book store here in town!  50 cents for paperbacks, $1 for hardbacks!!!!  And you can sell back books and get 50 cents in store credit.  Can we say heaven?!  I've already spent so much money there... LoL.  My to-read stack is quite tall at this point.

The book that I am currently reading is Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert. It's a story of a woman who suddenly finds herself facing marriage when she and her fella were completely content with just co-habitating.  After a terrible divorce, neither of them are exactly excited about this development.  So Elizabeth kicks into research mode, deciding to learn as much as she can about the institution of marriage.

I'm loving this book for so many reasons.  Mostly because Elizabeth is not going into marriage with rose colored glasses on.  She knows that there is something about the ceremony that changes things, that changes the relationship, that can take things from simple and easy to complicated and hard.  A reality that I am personally going through, except I wasn't prepared.  I wasn't prepared for how much I would struggle with becoming a wife and the pressures that history/society/myself have put on my shoulders.  I wasn't prepared for the irritations, moods, frustrations, and just how different Daniel and I are.  Yes, I was totally naive to the institution of marriage.

As a result of my naivette, I've gotten some things twisted.  And this book by Gilbert is really helping me to look at marriage with a different point of view.  The cross-cultural and historical truths about marriage are not only interesting, but they really put things into perspective.  For example, I have learned that in Western society, we place a huge amount of stress that our spouse be our everything -- our best friend, our confidant, our protector, our inspiration, our comedic relief, our workout partner, our chore partner...  But that in so many other cultures, that stress isn't there.  The spouse is the spouse.  There aren't any expectations, so there aren't any disappointments.

Now granted, I am only about 1/3 of the way through this book.  But just reading the first 80 pages, I've let go of so many of my demands and expectations of Daniel.  Demands and expectations that might be "fair" if we were to split the household duties 50/50, but they aren't fair in the sense that they are things that are important to me but he really could care less about.  Why am I trying to force him to care about something he really doesn't care about?  Dumb.  So dumb.

It's requiring a lot of humility on my part, and a whole lot more physical labor on my part (hello more household chores), but if doing that will decrease my irritation/frustration and improve our relationship, then so be it.  Marriage is sacrifice, right?

And instead of depending on him to be my everything -- I've decided to depend on him less for my emotional needs.  Pause for gasping...  Men don't usually want to talk for hours about every little thing.  They just aren't interested, and their attention span just isn't that long.  So again, why am I trying to force something he doesn't care about?  Instead, I'm spending more time with my girlfriends, who do care, who will listen attentively, and who will understand my distress/concern and be able to help me sort through things.  Less annoyance for my husband.

I'm looking forward to reading the rest of this book, as I hope it will continue to educate me and inspire me to improve my marriage.

So many times my struggles with anxiety get the better of me. So many times imaginary fears and scenarios feel more real than reality does. So quickly can my mind spiral into worse case scenario.

It's worse when I'm tired. When I'm stressed. When I'm lonely. When I'm out of my routine. All of which I am tonight. Bad news bears.

As a result, I feel extremely separated. Isolated. Unloved. Less than. Depressed.
All of those are false feelings about my reality, yet the blues/depression remain.

I hate this about myself.