The Ponderings from a Day Off

It's a beautiful early summer day here in Eastern NC.  There are barely any clouds in the sky -- only the light wispy ones are visible -- there's a regular breeze, it's in the mid 80's with low humidity (I won't be singing this tune come the end of June), and I am propped up in a hammock under the shade of the back patio.  My view?  More than I could ask for in a suburban setting.  I have seen more birds fly by and land near today than I have any other day.  There's green grass in the back yard, a retention pond to my left (which actually lends a more scenic and pleasurable view with it's presence), and trees in the background.

I love trees.  Big, old, leafy trees.
Maybe that's why I enjoyed being a camp counselor at CSR for so many years -- the camp was nestled in the middle of a hardwood forest.  Oaks, maples, ash, and elms -- only the occasional pine was seen. Valleys in between the hills, typically with a stream trickling through with frogs and bees.  It was difficult to not find a peaceful spot on that property.

I've spent most of my afternoon in this hammock.  Alternately reading (currently about 2/3 of the way through Wm. Paul Young's new book Cross Roads and loving it) and checking facebook (where I found out I was volun-told to participate in a Mile Long Burpee Challenge.  I think I might die lol).

I am not sure why this hammock and this view holds such potent healing powers, but I am not going to question it.  It doesn't take long in this hammock before I become intensely introspective and not necessarily moody, but unsettled with where I am emotionally.  My mindset isn't right.

Self deprecation has abounded lately.  Guilt.  Negativity.  Dislike of my body.  Followed by sadness and depression about the "long way back" to where I was only two years ago, about how much work and dedication it will take.  Followed by the sense that I will never make it, that I'm 'doomed' to be this lumpy round version of me for the rest of my life -- that I'm becoming my mother.  Followed by further downward emotional spirals and emotional binge eating.

But here in this hammock, there is peace.



This morning, I removed all the clothes from my dresser and closet and under-bed bins that no longer fit because my waist line (and all other lines for that matter) has expanded past their capacities.  I folded them neatly, sorted them clearly, and placed them ceremoniously into large plastic storage tubs that have been "abandoned" in the garage.  Cathartic on one hand -- getting the constant reminder that I'm 'too much' for these clothes and the sense of decreased self-worth out of my daily view and life experience.  Depressing on the other hand -- so many clothes, so many cute clothes gone; my remaining 'wardrobe' is pathetic at best.

I put them in the garage as opposed to donating them to Goodwill or Salvation Army for one massive reason -- I'm not willing to give up on myself, I'm not willing to give up the dream that I will be able to one day wear those cute clothes again.  Not willing?  Not ready?  Same difference right now.



I am not sure why I go through such large emotional mountains every few years.  I get a healthy lifestyle, love it, find fulfillment in it, then somehow I lose it.  All of it.  Big time.

And then it's a fight to get back.

A very slow, painful, never ending game of tennis.



But one thing is very clear to me.  It's time to work.  Time to work on me.  Mind, body, and soul.  Time to spend more time in the hammock.  Time to spend more time in the Word.  Time to spend more time eliminating the negativity and creating self confidence.  Time to spend more time being active.  Time to spend less time eating junk.



Broken record?  Yes.  But I will continue to write about what is present in my life.  The struggles that I am experiencing.  I have to -- it helps me work through it.  And I will continue being a broken record until I can finally move the needle on the record player forward to the next song.

But in the meantime, I'm going to enjoy this beautiful day in the comforting embrace of this rope hammock.

This fat loss journey is hard for me.  It's not that I'm craving candy or sweets or anything.  Thank the Lord that phase has passed. Now I want anything and everything bread related.

I am not doing so well with this phase of cravings.
I am giving in from time to time.
Allowing my emotions and desires to rule what I fuel my body with.

And every time I indulge, I admit that it wasn't worth it.  It wasn't that good.

I guess this means I'm getting closer.  That I'm making progress.
But it's frustrating at the same time.

Frustrating that I'm still struggling.
Frustrating that my progress has been as slow as it has.
Frustrating that my toning and shaping isn't visually demonstrating what I feel; how much stronger I have become and how much better I feel.

Le Sigh.

On top of all of this, I am dealing with emotions of inadequacies.  Inadequacies that I'm too big.  That I'm not professional enough.  That I don't know enough.  That I'm not sharp enough.  Inadequate sums it all up in one word.

It's All in the Attitude

There are a lot of things in this life I have to be grateful for.  Working weekends is tough to turn into a blessing (I mean, let's be honest -- it blows).  But having my man come down for a night, take me out to dinner, treat me to some high dollar beer, and be able to cuddle with.... That is something to be grateful for.

He isn't perfect, but boy he sure is the best.

Yesterday was a rough day for me psychologically.  I did not want to be at work -- I was pissed off that it was my turn.  Mad at the world is an understatement.  But after about 30mins at work, one of my favorite quotes popped into my head:

Life is 10% what happens to it and 90% your attitude about it.

And as soon as I fixed my attitude and focused on each individual patient instead of the chore of having to work, my day turned around and ended up being a pretty awesome day.  Although I still hate working weekends.

I know no workplace is perfect.
And for the most part, I really enjoy my workplace.
But I'm kind of looking forward to moving on to the next one (in 1.5 years).

Go somewheres else with your high-and-mighty

I am beyond annoyed.  We spend 35 minutes of our 43minute long conversation talking about YOU.  I bring up how crazy and ridiculous my day was, and yet you once again turn MY day into conversation about YOU.

A.N.N.O.Y.E.D.

Do not belittle me.
Do not blow off my frustrations and make them less than what they are.

Go be self absorbed at the gym, because I'm done with it on the phone.

Knowledge Needs Action

Knowledge does not guarantee success.

You can know all the tips and tricks, you can know what you should and shouldn't do, you can know how your body responds to certain stimuli.  But if you don't enact this knowledge (which is inert) into action, that knowledge is basically useless.

I went to college for four years and studied exercise.
I have taught exercise classes on the side for the past three years.
I know what you have to do to change your physique.

But I have not been dedicated to putting this knowledge into practice.

I will be "on program" for 5-10 days, then a weekend will come around that is full of social events and go-go-go-go, and boom.  My knowledge bows down to cravings and desires.

Now, lifestyle is not about deprivation.
It's about making common sense choices and not having a "cheat meal" every other day.

But I am not doing so good with this...  I am living in mediocrity and accepting the fast and easy route that leads to temporary satisfaction of a mental desire but leads to long term guilt, regret, and negative impact on my body's functioning and physique.

So my action goals for the rest of the week (and that means through Sunday!) are going to be simple:
1.  Eat good to feel good
2.  Move with purpose each day
3.  Go to bed on time

Yes, I'm sure I've shared these goals before, but I have to write them down.  I have to share them.  Otherwise, they don't exist.


Lordy lordy lordy.
This is seriously a journey, this "lifestyle" thing.  It's long.  It's frustrating.  I'd like to say I'm making progress, but I am not sure that I am.

One step at a time, Blair.  One step at a time.

There is a Time For Everything... Including Rest.

Just like you need to dedicate yourself to your workouts to meet your goals, you also need to rest to allow your body to recover from your workouts to meet you goals.

And last night/this morning was my rest period.

This week's routine of staying up too late (past 10pm), waking up way before dawn (430am), and hitting the gym for weight lifting and sprint training (5-530am and/or 530-6am), coupled with some very long and draining work days (I'm talking 10 hour days here), had left me exhausted.

I knew it was time to get some serious sleep/rest.  I put myself to bed at 830pm last night and gave myself the morning off from the gym/weights... The end result? 10 glorious hours of much needed deep sleep.

Despite me taking the morning off, I won't be taking the day off. :)  Planning on heading to the gym this evening for a quick sweat sesh then later getting in some quality yoga time for some flexibility training.

I am going to do this.  I am going to get there.

Body Image??

The concept of 'body image' is confusing to me.  The concept of my body image is down right impossible for me to figure out.

I don't feel "fat", maybe slightly fluffier than I used to be.  But I don't feel fat.

When I close my eyes and picture myself, what I see there is not at all like what photographs show.

So often the pictures taken of me reflect an image I don't identify with.  That's not me.  I don't look like that.  I certainly don't feel like what that looks like.

How do you merge the concept of how you feel inside with the reality of what you look like??

It is so confusing.

It leaves me feeling unsettled with my confidence -- unsure of whether or not I feel the way I actually feel about my body.  Yes, there is fat on me, I am not an elite athlete or body builder.  Yes, I have some "cottage cheese" on my thighs.  But I don't feel like my size is outrageous.  Pictures tell a different story.

And then I see pictures like this one on social media like Pinterest: 

This girl is freaking killing it in the confidence department.  I mean, she is rocking her curves and she looks like she's proud of them.  And that is awesome.

Although I don't feel fat, I certainly don't have the confidence to do what that girl did.  No way jose.  So then I wonder, well maybe I do feel as "fat" as the pictures of me show.

This is my thought process.  Circling around and around and around in my head, trying to figure out how I feel about my body, and really getting no where.  Maybe this is why I've stagnated and haven't been able to make physique progress -- because I can't decide whether or not I'm okay with being my size/shape.  When I ask myself what it will take to feel good about my body, I cannot come up with an answer.  I simply don't know what it would take to feel confident enough to take a picture like that (even privately).