Who Is on the Throne of your Heart?

I've gotten to the point where I'm okay about going to church alone, without my husband, when he's working.  At first I hated going alone.  I hated that I didn't have anyone "with" me.  But I got to looking around one service, and realized just how many women were there on their own.  So this morning, I went to church. Alone.  And it was a good thing I did.  The sermon was relatively short and straight forward, only two scripture references.  But Pastor Aaron said something at the end of the sermon that really rocked me.

We all worship at the throne of some system.  But the problem is that many times Jesus isn't on that throne.  It doesn't matter if you've been saved for a month or for thirty years -- it's a daily decision to put Jesus on your throne.

You could have knocked me over with a feather.  Was this some grand revelation? Not really. But boy was it a grand conviction on my heart.

Immediately after this point, Pastor Aaron took us into a time of prayer. Asking us to let God reveal to us what was on our hearts, asking us to let God reveal who was truly on our throne.  And the tears rolled -- big fat tears down the sides of my face. Jesus nor God had been on my throne for some time. And I hadn't even realized it. My husband was on the throne. The To Do List was on the throne. The Christmas Presents were on the throne. The Budget and getting out of debt was on the throne. The negativity of my surroundings was on the throne.  And during those few moments, God helped me take them off the throne.  To clear the seat for the King.

How quickly our priorities shift.  And how sneakily they shift - with us barely realizing it.

The sermon was awesome.  I highly recommend that you watch the service. Even When It Hurts is the title of the series, and this week was part 4 of the series, which will be posted early this week. http://opendoor.church/media/

25 “All this I have spoken while still with you. 26 But the Advocate, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you. 27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. John 14: 25-27

I love those quiet moments that I get between getting ready for work and having to leave for work.  I usually find myself with an odd 3-10 minutes of time in the morning, and they are usually my quietest of the day.  Daniel is either at work already or napping in his recliner.  The TV is off.  And the world is waking up.  It is just so peaceful and nice.

Day Off

Glory be! It's my day off! A "comp day" for working the weekend.  A weekday off.  A day that my husband also has off.  Glory glory glory!!

And it was a glorious day.  A neighborhood run.  A couples trip to Walmart (we went for $25 worth of stuff and left with $70 worth of stuff).  Disney movie time -- Daniel chose Frozen, which basically turned into a sing along.  Gardening -- we finally got the perennials planted that I bought a week ago off the Lowe's Last Chance Sale Rack, and found a few ant colonies in the process.  We washed my car.  I finished a no sew quilting art board project and hung it in my sewing room (first piece of "art" hung in the whole house!). And now, I'm enjoying some quiet time on the couch as it rains outside.  My heart is so full -- having spent my day productively, doing things that I love and that are meaningful to me.  I just know those new plants are drinking this rain up and my back yard paradise is just going to continue growing and becoming more and more my haven in times of trouble and stress.

I have so many other projects I want to accomplish today.  I have grades I need to report.  I have multiple quilt projects to begin and one important one to finish (the wedding quilt).  I have a book that I've been neglecting for too long.  I have Bible Study that needs to get done.  I have prep work for class.  I have laundry to do.  I have laundry detergent to make (seriously -- I've fallen in love with the homemade laundry detergent! So cheap and so much more effective!). I have a shower to scrub. Vacuuming to do.

But for now, I am completely content to just let my heart overflow with gratitude for this day and all that was able to be accomplished.

The Yard

Yesterday when I got home from work, the hubster had already headed off to his job and I found myself at home alone.  My normal Thursday night workout with some girlfriends got cancelled, and suddenly I had a lot of free time and no plans for that time (very rare for this busy body who always has to be doing, planning, or working on something).  It was a beautiful, warm, low humidity summer day in Eastern NC (even more rare than me not having plans!), so I dropped my purse in the house, changed into comfy clothes, grabbed a hat, and headed out to the back yard to my mini portable hammock (this is what you use until you can save up the money for the real deal).

I spent 45 minutes in that hammock yesterday.  I'd taken some magazines to read, but found myself uninterested in them so I set them aside.  Instead, I spent that time sitting, swinging, breathing deep breaths of fresh air.  I spent that time detoxing from the past few weeks, that have worked my heart and my emotions up into knots of frustration, stress, irritation, and a total sense of being overwhelmed.  I took in my back yard.  Which yesterday, was a paradise.  Green grass.  So many beautiful plants and flowers (thank you previous owners for having a positive sense of landscaping in the back yard -- I'll forgive you for totally screwing up the front flower beds as a result).  Birds chirping -- so many birds!  I took in a hummingbird in the back yard feeding off some flowers (time to buy a hummingbird feeder!!! Love those little birds).  I took in even the loud buzzing of bees -- a glorious sound in the days of reduced bee population.  I took in the gentle breeze.  And slowly, the knots around my heart started melting away.

For the first time in weeks, I felt relaxed and normal.  And not just normal, I felt inspired!  Inspired to work on the lawn and tackle that front flower bed that the previous owners jacked up so badly.  So off I went to Lowe's, where I raided the last chance rack (seriously! How did I not know this existed before?! AMAZING!) and nabbed a 50% off rose bush.  I grabbed my gardening gloves and all my gardening tools once home and went to work on that flower bed.  I pulled up weeds.  I pulled up ground cover plants -- seriously.  Juniper is TERRIBLE.  I pulled up clover.  And then, I pulled up a wolf spider.  A large wolf spider.  "Nope!  I'm done!" was my reaction and I went inside.  Shiver.  I hate big spiders.  And I hate fuzzy ones even worse.

Oh the Anxiety

Here of late, I have really noticed that I am on edge.  Well, not really on edge.  Just stressed out.  Worried about x,y, and z and that I won't have enough time to accomplish what I want to accomplish.

Stressed with the demands I am facing at work... Both jobs actually.  I thoroughly enjoy what I do, but I don't enjoy the stress that comes with it.

Stressed with getting the house settled.  Seriously.  It's like a never ending slow moving avalanche of stuff.  I seriously don't know where this is all coming from or where we're going to put it all to make and part of sense.

Stressed with getting the day to day chores done.  I'm so side tracked with everything else that needs doing that the daily chores are falling further and further behind.  The kitchen sink is ridiculous right now.

Stressed with finding ways to squeeze in workouts between jobs and chores.

Stressed with trying to find quality time to spend with my husband.  Our time together is getting shorter and shorter it seems...  Not really. It's the same it has been since he's moved over to shift work.  But maybe I'm busier so it seems less.  I've seen him for a total of about 20mins each day for the last three days.  I may be a hoarder when it comes to time with my hubby, but that doesn't cut it for me.

It's all the little things that are building up.  Adding up.  Creating a small mountain.  Weighing my spirits down and leaving me feeling quite overwhelmed.  It didn't occur to me that part of my troubles is a lack of rest.  Not until this evening. I had been talking to my friend Chrissy about my stress and she said to come over.  So this afternoon after work I went over.  And I sat down.  Truly sat down.  Not a sit-down-and-continue-working-on-something.  A sit-down-and-do-nothing.  It's been a while since I've done that.  And it dawned on me that I'm not doing enough of it.

Suddenly the big things were smaller.  Everything could wait.  And I didn't want to move.  It was glorious.  In that moment, I realized that I needed more quiet time, more God time, in my life.  And that when things calm down a bit and my responsibilities decrease a bit, I need to be more careful about what I commit myself to time wise in the future.

I used to handle a crazy busy schedule with ease.  But as I'm experiencing now, I was always stressed, frequently ill, nearly never available for my friends/family, and just barely getting by.  It was not a healthy way for me to live.  And I can't keep that lifestyle up.  It's just not right for me anymore.

So I'm looking forward to some changes in my life.  Changing where I spend my time.  How I spend my time.  With whom I spend my time.  I just have to get through this season first!

Stream of Consciousness

The quiet hum of the AC unit outside the window is comforting -- a little white noise to go behind the lilting melodies of the Pandora Nature station that's playing softly from my night stand.  The soft glow of my lamp casts a comfortable atmosphere on the room, a room that when fully lit is actually more like chaos, as you can truly see all the boxes and piles of clothes and toiletries and socks and things that still have yet to find a home.  But in the soft glow of my quiet lamp, those things somehow seem smaller, practically non-existant.  I'm not complaining about the change in attitude.  From demanding my attention to patiently waiting for their turn.

My To Do list grows as I lay in bed.  My brain refusing to enter power save mode to make way for sleep.  Too much to do, it has decided.  Don't forget this... Don't forget that... I jot them down on my reminders just to appease my OCD brain, praying that it will quiet it's noise.  Because the white noise of the AC unit and the Pandora Nature station is only just now starting to make any impact.

Every now and then, blips of TV noise make its way down the hallway and under the door to my ears.  The husband is enjoying his newly delivered man chair and TV and a cold beer before bed. Nothing like a night cap and a motorcycle TV show to unwind.

I lie here in bed, my heart singing with gratitude and praise to God.  For this day.  For his work in my life.  For his provision.  For his blessings. How great is our God?!

Finally... The eyes are getting heavy.  The AC shuts off.  The lilting piano melody continues to hypnotize me away from the world and my own brain and into dream land...

What a whirlwind these last few weeks have been... It's been a race to find a house and buy a house before our loan rates expired.  And I'm pleased to report that we made the deadline :)  As I write this post, I am sitting in my bed in my new house, marveling in what we have done and what God has done for us.  I'm so exhausted that I can't sleep, so I blog...

I have roots, for the first time in 10 years. Literally.  12 moves in 10 years.  And for the first time since I graduated high school, I have roots.  That's so huge.

For the first time in 10 years I am not a migrant, going where the work/school is.  I'm not a wanderer.  I'm not a gypsy.  I'm not living in question as to how much longer it will be before I have to move again.  My life suddenly became more concrete.  More permanent.  Less temporary.  Less "keep my finger in the hole of the damn."

And suddenly, I'm dying to have local employment.  Suddenly, the 50 minute commute is bothersome.  Suddenly, I'm noticing what my work environment is really like.  Suddenly, I'm questioning why I stayed so long.  The blinders have come off.

So now the job hunt begins... For something more local, more convenient, to create roots to match the roots of my home.