Ever have "one of those weeks" where nothing seems to go right, all you can do is doubt yourself, you're so busy that you start questioning what your priorities are, and where all you want to do is crawl into bed and just stay there?
Yeah. I'm there.
Except, it's been "one of those seasons" as opposed to just "one of those weeks."
I don't want to say that I'm depressed -- depression is not a topic that I take lightly or a word that I use easily. Many members of my family have been struck by this disease and I've seen it's effects first hand -- so I don't want to diminish their experiences by using such a powerful label to describe myself. However one thing is for certain... I am way off the beaten path that is normally "me."
And the last couple of days have really been rough. Emotionally. Mentally. Confidently. Professionally.
Just plain rough.
I've been in this mind set only once before in my life. The summer before my senior year of college, where a break up sent my world reeling. I lost all concept of who I was. It was awful. So much doubt, insecurity, fear... Not to mention weight gain. And I'm there again... Priorities all twisted, life feeling somewhat upside down, the mundane day-to-day necessities even seem overwhelming.
Wah wah wah, right?
Put on your big girl panties and deal with it, Blair.
So today I began a habit that was put on the back burner -- morning Bible study after my workout. And what a difference that made in today! Positive attitude, confidence in my abilities and knowledge as a professional, empathy and patience.
So that was nice... A good place to begin the re-organization of myself and my priorities. And I pray that it's the beginning of the passing of this "season."
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Sunday, June 9, 2013
Weekend Recap
What a weekend! I took a whirlwind trip to Wrightsville Beach, leaving home on Saturday morning and returning home Sunday mid afternoon, to witness and celebrate the marriage of one of my college friends. I was really looking forward to this event for several reasons...
1. An excuse to stay in a beach front hotel (even if only for 24 hours)
2. An excuse to get away with the fiance on something that's actually like a vacation!
3. Seeing many old friends from college that I haven't seen in a long time
4. Witnessing a Jewish wedding ceremony (I'd never seen one before) of a college friend
5. The delicious food for both hors devours as well as for dinner
6. An open bar
7. Being around a group of people that enjoy having fun and make everything fun wherever they go
It was a gorgeous hotel with beautiful views, the food was exquisite, the drinks were strong, and the laughs and dancing was plentiful.
Daniel had more than his fill of drinks, and paid the price today. Unfortunately this put a damper on my hopes of spending more time on the beach and of spending some quality time exploring downtown Wilmington. But I had such a good time seeing so many friends from college...
And my goodness... Being able to wake up and walk out onto my ocean front balcony and read with the sound of waves in the back ground?? Pure magic for me...
1. An excuse to stay in a beach front hotel (even if only for 24 hours)
2. An excuse to get away with the fiance on something that's actually like a vacation!
3. Seeing many old friends from college that I haven't seen in a long time
4. Witnessing a Jewish wedding ceremony (I'd never seen one before) of a college friend
5. The delicious food for both hors devours as well as for dinner
6. An open bar
7. Being around a group of people that enjoy having fun and make everything fun wherever they go
It was a gorgeous hotel with beautiful views, the food was exquisite, the drinks were strong, and the laughs and dancing was plentiful.
Daniel had more than his fill of drinks, and paid the price today. Unfortunately this put a damper on my hopes of spending more time on the beach and of spending some quality time exploring downtown Wilmington. But I had such a good time seeing so many friends from college...
And my goodness... Being able to wake up and walk out onto my ocean front balcony and read with the sound of waves in the back ground?? Pure magic for me...
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
Relationships (with anyone)
I don't really understand why some people make relationships so difficult and complicated. The people who thrive on this style of relationship also thrive on having the "upper hand," and thus rely on manipulation to get/have what they want. So instead of an actual healthy relationship, it becomes something more sinister. That sucks out the energy, positivity, and joy of having a relationship with that person.
In most situations, relationships like these begin voluntarily and innocently. Friends. Or maybe as a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. And then when the relationship goes south, they can't walk away from a terrible lifestyle because they have begun to believe the lies of the "upper hand."
I empathize with those in relationships like these. Not because my main squeeze treats me this way (he most certainly doesn't). But because I have a relationship with someone who I can never sever ties to (aka: a family member) who loves to have a difficult and complicated relationship.
I could write for hundreds of pages about this relationship. And I have probably already written several posts about this person and our relationship already.
I won't go into specific details, because God teaches me to honor and love. Which is why it's so difficult for me to understand this relationship. To honorably and truthfully interact in this relationship. Because I truly feel as if the works and efforts are not reciprocated. I truly feel consistently let down in this relationship.
So what is involved in a relationship? Here are my thoughts on what a relationship (with anyone mind you) should include....
- Communication. You have to talk to each other on a fairly regular basis -- both about important/serious things, as well as light hearted things.
- Time. You have to spend time with each other, building memories and stories.
- Trust. You have to be able to trust the person with the serious/important details with your life and know that they will be there for you when you need them.
- Comfort. You have to be able to feel comfortable being around a person. You can't have a relationship with someone who gives you the willies all the time.
- Respect. You have to be able to respect each other's needs, space, and decisions in life. You won't always agree with what someone does/says, but you have to be able to respect their decisions.
- Love. You have to be able to love and care for a person to be in a relationship with them -- and most of the time, this love is the source of respect for a decision you disagree with.
- Effort. You both have to put in time and effort to reach out to one another and build/strengthen a relationship.
- Courtesy. Courtesy of each other's differing beliefs, courtesy of each other's sensitivies.
- Sacrifice. So often you need to sacrifice for the other person. Sometimes this comes in the form of time -- sacrificing your time to spend with the person who needs you. It's not always about you.
- Desire. Desire to have a relationship with someone.
- Inclusion. You have to include each other in your lives. Granted you can't invite everyone to everything, but you need to include a particular person in plans and activities that are appropriate for the relationship.
- Open-ness. You have to be open and honest with those you are in relationship with. But you also have to balance the levels of open-ness with honoring your other relationships.
In most situations, relationships like these begin voluntarily and innocently. Friends. Or maybe as a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. And then when the relationship goes south, they can't walk away from a terrible lifestyle because they have begun to believe the lies of the "upper hand."
I empathize with those in relationships like these. Not because my main squeeze treats me this way (he most certainly doesn't). But because I have a relationship with someone who I can never sever ties to (aka: a family member) who loves to have a difficult and complicated relationship.
I could write for hundreds of pages about this relationship. And I have probably already written several posts about this person and our relationship already.
I won't go into specific details, because God teaches me to honor and love. Which is why it's so difficult for me to understand this relationship. To honorably and truthfully interact in this relationship. Because I truly feel as if the works and efforts are not reciprocated. I truly feel consistently let down in this relationship.
So what is involved in a relationship? Here are my thoughts on what a relationship (with anyone mind you) should include....
- Communication. You have to talk to each other on a fairly regular basis -- both about important/serious things, as well as light hearted things.
- Time. You have to spend time with each other, building memories and stories.
- Trust. You have to be able to trust the person with the serious/important details with your life and know that they will be there for you when you need them.
- Comfort. You have to be able to feel comfortable being around a person. You can't have a relationship with someone who gives you the willies all the time.
- Respect. You have to be able to respect each other's needs, space, and decisions in life. You won't always agree with what someone does/says, but you have to be able to respect their decisions.
- Love. You have to be able to love and care for a person to be in a relationship with them -- and most of the time, this love is the source of respect for a decision you disagree with.
- Effort. You both have to put in time and effort to reach out to one another and build/strengthen a relationship.
- Courtesy. Courtesy of each other's differing beliefs, courtesy of each other's sensitivies.
- Sacrifice. So often you need to sacrifice for the other person. Sometimes this comes in the form of time -- sacrificing your time to spend with the person who needs you. It's not always about you.
- Desire. Desire to have a relationship with someone.
- Inclusion. You have to include each other in your lives. Granted you can't invite everyone to everything, but you need to include a particular person in plans and activities that are appropriate for the relationship.
- Open-ness. You have to be open and honest with those you are in relationship with. But you also have to balance the levels of open-ness with honoring your other relationships.
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Books.
Yesterday I finished the first real book I've read in a year. That's right. A year.
How horrible! I can't believe that I have gone this long without substantial literature in my life, that challenged me, enriched me, and touched my heart.
I used to be such a book worm. And right now, I've got the itch again. I've got my next book ready and lined up for me! :)
I just finished Cross Roads by Wm Paul Young.
I am about to begin The Lost Symbol by Dan Brown.
After that, who knows?! Maybe I'll finally start tackling that Books Wish List on my Amazon account :)
How horrible! I can't believe that I have gone this long without substantial literature in my life, that challenged me, enriched me, and touched my heart.
I used to be such a book worm. And right now, I've got the itch again. I've got my next book ready and lined up for me! :)
I just finished Cross Roads by Wm Paul Young.
I am about to begin The Lost Symbol by Dan Brown.
After that, who knows?! Maybe I'll finally start tackling that Books Wish List on my Amazon account :)
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
The Ponderings from a Day Off
It's a beautiful early summer day here in Eastern NC. There are barely any clouds in the sky -- only the light wispy ones are visible -- there's a regular breeze, it's in the mid 80's with low humidity (I won't be singing this tune come the end of June), and I am propped up in a hammock under the shade of the back patio. My view? More than I could ask for in a suburban setting. I have seen more birds fly by and land near today than I have any other day. There's green grass in the back yard, a retention pond to my left (which actually lends a more scenic and pleasurable view with it's presence), and trees in the background.
I love trees. Big, old, leafy trees.
Maybe that's why I enjoyed being a camp counselor at CSR for so many years -- the camp was nestled in the middle of a hardwood forest. Oaks, maples, ash, and elms -- only the occasional pine was seen. Valleys in between the hills, typically with a stream trickling through with frogs and bees. It was difficult to not find a peaceful spot on that property.
I've spent most of my afternoon in this hammock. Alternately reading (currently about 2/3 of the way through Wm. Paul Young's new book Cross Roads and loving it) and checking facebook (where I found out I was volun-told to participate in a Mile Long Burpee Challenge. I think I might die lol).
I am not sure why this hammock and this view holds such potent healing powers, but I am not going to question it. It doesn't take long in this hammock before I become intensely introspective and not necessarily moody, but unsettled with where I am emotionally. My mindset isn't right.
Self deprecation has abounded lately. Guilt. Negativity. Dislike of my body. Followed by sadness and depression about the "long way back" to where I was only two years ago, about how much work and dedication it will take. Followed by the sense that I will never make it, that I'm 'doomed' to be this lumpy round version of me for the rest of my life -- that I'm becoming my mother. Followed by further downward emotional spirals and emotional binge eating.
But here in this hammock, there is peace.
This morning, I removed all the clothes from my dresser and closet and under-bed bins that no longer fit because my waist line (and all other lines for that matter) has expanded past their capacities. I folded them neatly, sorted them clearly, and placed them ceremoniously into large plastic storage tubs that have been "abandoned" in the garage. Cathartic on one hand -- getting the constant reminder that I'm 'too much' for these clothes and the sense of decreased self-worth out of my daily view and life experience. Depressing on the other hand -- so many clothes, so many cute clothes gone; my remaining 'wardrobe' is pathetic at best.
I put them in the garage as opposed to donating them to Goodwill or Salvation Army for one massive reason -- I'm not willing to give up on myself, I'm not willing to give up the dream that I will be able to one day wear those cute clothes again. Not willing? Not ready? Same difference right now.
I am not sure why I go through such large emotional mountains every few years. I get a healthy lifestyle, love it, find fulfillment in it, then somehow I lose it. All of it. Big time.
And then it's a fight to get back.
A very slow, painful, never ending game of tennis.
But one thing is very clear to me. It's time to work. Time to work on me. Mind, body, and soul. Time to spend more time in the hammock. Time to spend more time in the Word. Time to spend more time eliminating the negativity and creating self confidence. Time to spend more time being active. Time to spend less time eating junk.
Broken record? Yes. But I will continue to write about what is present in my life. The struggles that I am experiencing. I have to -- it helps me work through it. And I will continue being a broken record until I can finally move the needle on the record player forward to the next song.
But in the meantime, I'm going to enjoy this beautiful day in the comforting embrace of this rope hammock.
I love trees. Big, old, leafy trees.
Maybe that's why I enjoyed being a camp counselor at CSR for so many years -- the camp was nestled in the middle of a hardwood forest. Oaks, maples, ash, and elms -- only the occasional pine was seen. Valleys in between the hills, typically with a stream trickling through with frogs and bees. It was difficult to not find a peaceful spot on that property.
I've spent most of my afternoon in this hammock. Alternately reading (currently about 2/3 of the way through Wm. Paul Young's new book Cross Roads and loving it) and checking facebook (where I found out I was volun-told to participate in a Mile Long Burpee Challenge. I think I might die lol).
I am not sure why this hammock and this view holds such potent healing powers, but I am not going to question it. It doesn't take long in this hammock before I become intensely introspective and not necessarily moody, but unsettled with where I am emotionally. My mindset isn't right.
Self deprecation has abounded lately. Guilt. Negativity. Dislike of my body. Followed by sadness and depression about the "long way back" to where I was only two years ago, about how much work and dedication it will take. Followed by the sense that I will never make it, that I'm 'doomed' to be this lumpy round version of me for the rest of my life -- that I'm becoming my mother. Followed by further downward emotional spirals and emotional binge eating.
But here in this hammock, there is peace.
This morning, I removed all the clothes from my dresser and closet and under-bed bins that no longer fit because my waist line (and all other lines for that matter) has expanded past their capacities. I folded them neatly, sorted them clearly, and placed them ceremoniously into large plastic storage tubs that have been "abandoned" in the garage. Cathartic on one hand -- getting the constant reminder that I'm 'too much' for these clothes and the sense of decreased self-worth out of my daily view and life experience. Depressing on the other hand -- so many clothes, so many cute clothes gone; my remaining 'wardrobe' is pathetic at best.
I put them in the garage as opposed to donating them to Goodwill or Salvation Army for one massive reason -- I'm not willing to give up on myself, I'm not willing to give up the dream that I will be able to one day wear those cute clothes again. Not willing? Not ready? Same difference right now.
I am not sure why I go through such large emotional mountains every few years. I get a healthy lifestyle, love it, find fulfillment in it, then somehow I lose it. All of it. Big time.
And then it's a fight to get back.
A very slow, painful, never ending game of tennis.
But one thing is very clear to me. It's time to work. Time to work on me. Mind, body, and soul. Time to spend more time in the hammock. Time to spend more time in the Word. Time to spend more time eliminating the negativity and creating self confidence. Time to spend more time being active. Time to spend less time eating junk.
Broken record? Yes. But I will continue to write about what is present in my life. The struggles that I am experiencing. I have to -- it helps me work through it. And I will continue being a broken record until I can finally move the needle on the record player forward to the next song.
But in the meantime, I'm going to enjoy this beautiful day in the comforting embrace of this rope hammock.
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
This fat loss journey is hard for me. It's not that I'm craving candy or sweets or anything. Thank the Lord that phase has passed. Now I want anything and everything bread related.
I am not doing so well with this phase of cravings.
I am giving in from time to time.
Allowing my emotions and desires to rule what I fuel my body with.
And every time I indulge, I admit that it wasn't worth it. It wasn't that good.
I guess this means I'm getting closer. That I'm making progress.
But it's frustrating at the same time.
Frustrating that I'm still struggling.
Frustrating that my progress has been as slow as it has.
Frustrating that my toning and shaping isn't visually demonstrating what I feel; how much stronger I have become and how much better I feel.
Le Sigh.
On top of all of this, I am dealing with emotions of inadequacies. Inadequacies that I'm too big. That I'm not professional enough. That I don't know enough. That I'm not sharp enough. Inadequate sums it all up in one word.
I am not doing so well with this phase of cravings.
I am giving in from time to time.
Allowing my emotions and desires to rule what I fuel my body with.
And every time I indulge, I admit that it wasn't worth it. It wasn't that good.
I guess this means I'm getting closer. That I'm making progress.
But it's frustrating at the same time.
Frustrating that I'm still struggling.
Frustrating that my progress has been as slow as it has.
Frustrating that my toning and shaping isn't visually demonstrating what I feel; how much stronger I have become and how much better I feel.
Le Sigh.
On top of all of this, I am dealing with emotions of inadequacies. Inadequacies that I'm too big. That I'm not professional enough. That I don't know enough. That I'm not sharp enough. Inadequate sums it all up in one word.
Sunday, May 5, 2013
It's All in the Attitude
There are a lot of things in this life I have to be grateful for. Working weekends is tough to turn into a blessing (I mean, let's be honest -- it blows). But having my man come down for a night, take me out to dinner, treat me to some high dollar beer, and be able to cuddle with.... That is something to be grateful for.
He isn't perfect, but boy he sure is the best.
Yesterday was a rough day for me psychologically. I did not want to be at work -- I was pissed off that it was my turn. Mad at the world is an understatement. But after about 30mins at work, one of my favorite quotes popped into my head:
Life is 10% what happens to it and 90% your attitude about it.
And as soon as I fixed my attitude and focused on each individual patient instead of the chore of having to work, my day turned around and ended up being a pretty awesome day. Although I still hate working weekends.
I know no workplace is perfect.
And for the most part, I really enjoy my workplace.
But I'm kind of looking forward to moving on to the next one (in 1.5 years).
He isn't perfect, but boy he sure is the best.
Yesterday was a rough day for me psychologically. I did not want to be at work -- I was pissed off that it was my turn. Mad at the world is an understatement. But after about 30mins at work, one of my favorite quotes popped into my head:
Life is 10% what happens to it and 90% your attitude about it.
And as soon as I fixed my attitude and focused on each individual patient instead of the chore of having to work, my day turned around and ended up being a pretty awesome day. Although I still hate working weekends.
I know no workplace is perfect.
And for the most part, I really enjoy my workplace.
But I'm kind of looking forward to moving on to the next one (in 1.5 years).
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