No one is perfect.  And I can't demand perfection from someone.  But sometimes, I wish that I could magically snap my fingers and the one character flaw that a person has disappears.  Whether it be a short temper, being out of touch with reality, being spiteful, being bitter, or being addicted to something (drugs, alcohol, pornography)...  So often I wish I could fix it for a person.  But I can't.  All I can do is encourage, be patient, trust, and pray -- for those who are close to me, for those who aren't close to me.

I finally have a quiet moment alone and away from work.  It's colder tonight than it's been in a while, so it's nice to curl up on the couch under a blanket with my trusty 'journal' (blog) on my lap.  Time for some reflection... I think to myself as I log on.

But now that I'm here, I feel at a bit of a loss for words on what I want to say.  And just exactly how I want to say it.

I feel the mark of God's handiwork in my life in more places than I ever have before.  And more often I'm struck with awe when I see just what amazing people and situations are in my life.

And yet, there's this one piece of my 'puzzle' that will not fit.  I look on the state of things with my Mother with so many emotions.

Anger that she lays blame elsewhere, anger that she doesn't show much interest in me.  Anger that she talks crap about me to my sister.  Anger that she hasn't made an effort.  Anger that she continues to put me in situations to try and control me.  Anger that she doesn't respect who I am as a person.  Anger that she doesn't try to put herself in my shoes.

Frustration that our relationship will not progress.  Frustration that she continues to have such a hold on my emotions.

Sadness.  Great, incredible sadness.  Sadness that she isn't involved in my life.  Sadness that she can't look past things I did when I was much younger and appreciate the person I've grown to be.  Sadness that I don't have a mother in my life.  Sadness that she has alienated herself from everyone and that she is truly alone.  Sadness that her life has turned out the way it has.  Sadness that she isn't happy.  Sadness that she is so bitter.  Sadness that she sees her family as enemies.  Sadness that she can't open her arms in humbleness.  Sadness that every conversation we have turns into a guilt trip against me.  Sadness that she holds onto grudges.

I wish I knew how to make it right.
I wish I knew what to say, or what to do.

But I so feel like I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't.  I want her there, but to have her there leads to guilt trips, negativity, tension, empty conversations.

I love her.  She's my Mom.  But I feel like she uses it against me so often.  I feel like I can't even trust my own Mother.

I want to shake her.  I want her to wake up.  I want her to be my Mom, a woman who is involved in my life, who is supportive, who cares, who knows where the lines are and doesn't cross them.

I want to heal from the wounds.
I want her to heal from the wounds.

I feel like I'm missing out on so much, not having a good mother-daughter relationship.

But I can't fix it alone.

I know she's hurting.  And I don't enjoy knowing that my request has hurt her.  But I need to start slowly with her, and she doesn't see that.  She sees that she isn't being included in something that others are.  I wish it would help wake her up, but I know it's only causing her to become more and more bitter towards me.  I just wish it weren't.

Making the Most of What I'm Given

I'm in my fourth week of clinicals at the hospital, and although I'm still not in love with the site, the time is passing quickly and staying with Daniel is really helping the time fly.  And although staying with Daniel has cut my commute in half, my commute still takes 45-55mins each way.

For the past week, I've tried a new morning commute routine: spending it in reflection, prayer, and worship.  And what a difference it has made! It has helped shape my attitudes more positively, keep me more focused (which helped me save at least one patient from serious harm), and enjoy my time at a site which I really don't love.  One thing I've learned from this clinical -- your attitude is everything.

I've truly come to enjoy my quiet time.  My daily devotional.

I loveeeeeeeeeeee not craving or feeling satisfied from candy!! Seriously, I love it.

Know what I love more? Craving fresh vegetables, water, and protein.

Wild.

Maybe I really can stick to and make some changes!

SMART goals

There are good goals, and there are bad goals.  How you set your goals can make all the difference between acheiving those goals and never getting near said goals.  Good goals should be S.M.A.R.T.:

1.  Specific
2. Measurable
3. Action-Oriented and Attainable
4. Realistic
5. Time-Oriented

This is a lesson I learned in college.  But lately, I haven't been putting my own knowledge to use.  So I need to set some SMART goals.

- I weigh 168 pounds today, and I'd like to weigh 156 pounds by graduation (May 12).  That's a difference of 12 pounds in five weeks.

- I have registered to run a 5K May 5th. I would like to be able to continuously run at least 2 miles before needing a break in order to prepare for this 5K.  I'd like to achieve this goal in two weeks--April 18th--by completing daily workouts/training.

I think that'll be enough for now.

What a fantastic weekend...  Daniel and I were able to get out of dodge for a few days and make a *very* long 8 hour drive to visit with my Dad and my Sister in the lovely Clemson area.  We had an absolute blast. We were able to see Clemson defeat #7 Miami in baseball (and get quite sunburned in the process!), hike to and enjoy three different waterfalls in the area (pictures below), enjoy a rousing and very competitive round of putt putt golf at a local state park (by far the simplest in appearance but the most amazing putting course!!), some Yahtzee, a tonnnnn of amazing food and spirits, and soooo much laughter and good times.  I swear, this was such an amazing visit. 

Daniel, myself, and Meghan

Awww I love this pic of us!!

Meghan, Dad, myself, and Daniel enjoying

Issaqueena Falls, SC

I was so sad to see the weekend come to an end and have to say goodbye...

It's Been a While, Hasn't it?

Tonight is pretty much the first time I've had internet for personal use in about a month.  I have to say -- it's been kind of nice not having regular internet access.  Instead of being "hooked" on it and "needing" to check some site or another, I've lived free and clear -- enjoying time and interest in real-life activities such as running or crafting or cleaning. (yes, cleaning was just listed as a positive experience and activity)

So where am I now, one month later?

To begin with, moving weekend was chaotic.  Without the help of Dad, Aunt Genny, and Daniel--it would never have been completed.  I was so thankful that they were able to help me...  My box springs was unable to fit up the stairs, so I'm now sleeping on plywood on my bed frame (which works just fine, by the way).  And to be honest, that situation was so draining that I can't possibly do it justice almost a month later... Just suffice it to say that moving day was a straight up cluster fuck.

The first of two clinicals this semester came to an end at the beginning of this week...  I was heartbroken to leave.  I so enjoyed the experience, the patients, the staff, the work.  That clinical alone made me fall in love with what will be my career.  When you pick a career, it's often because you find it an attractive career and you think you'll enjoy it.  But until you actually get your hands dirty are you able to really see if you're cut out for it.  And by golly I love it!

The second of the two clinicals for this semester began on Wednesday.  I'm still deciding what I think about the facility, the attitudes, the organization, etc.  Today was the first day that I felt engaged at all, and that was largely due to the fact that I just stepped in and started treating patients -- I believe much to the surprise of my clinical instructor who didn't tell me to do so.  I even got her to let me start learning their electronic health record system.  So we'll see.  Wednesday and Thursday I was miserable.  But today was different, so maybe it'll be okay?

My second clinical is located 1.5 hours away from my home, so I attempted to find more local housing for the clinical period.  My sources were unsuccessful, so I'm currently staying with Daniel.  He was generous enough to allow me to stay with him, and the first three days were fine, with the exception of last night/this morning... We didn't have a fight, but I pointed out something he does that hurts me, and well now we're in that awkward stage of a relationship where you're not mad, but things aren't all peachy king.  Just the first of many of these situations, I'm sure.

Tuesday I took my car into the mechanic to just get a check up on it.  Turns out -- over $2,000 worth of very serious, very unsafe issues were brought to my attention.  The value of the car pretty much.  But as I'm unable to afford a different vehicle on my crappy income and even crappier credit, fix it I will!  So after scraping and scrimping and some very understanding people who largely affect my circumstances, Fabio will be taken in for 1/3 of the repairs.  It's a start.  I have no idea how I'm going to get the rest of the repairs done, but I know that God will provide and He will make sure I'm okay.

I have applied for graduation and am looking forward to being done with school in just over a month.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is pretty much what's new with me since I last blogged.  Please keep me in your prayers for safe travel and a clear head as I try to finish my last clinical assignment.  This was a very "newsy" blog that didn't really have much direction, but I felt it necessary for everyone to understand where I am and what's going on for future context... :)